‘Have fun and look after your mum,’ Vic said to Hayley, parking outside the leisure centre the following morning.
‘Mummy looks after me, silly!’ She rolled her eyes, looking a lot like my mum. ‘Can I get out now?’
‘Just a minute, you.’ I grabbed my bag from the footwell, returning Vic’s smile.
He was clearly relieved I seemed more relaxed, after struggling to get through dinner the night before. I’d gone to bed early with a persistent headache in the end, only to lie awake fretting for half the night.
‘Sure you don’t want me to come in?’ he said, wiggling his eyebrows. ‘I’ve got my swimming gear in the boot.’
‘You have?’
‘I sometimes use the pool near the hospital.’
‘Oh, that’s right.’ I spotted Marianne’s ancient Volvo, back from the garage, parked a few rows away. ‘We’ll be fine,’ I said. ‘Weren’t you going to the gym?’
‘I might just go to the café and read the papers,’ he said, glancing through the windscreen. The sky was ultramarine blue, the sun already hot. ‘I don’t fancy the treadmill this morning.’
I leaned over and kissed him. ‘We’ll be ready in a couple of hours.’
‘Come on, Mummy.’ Hayley had unclipped her seatbelt and was drumming her heels. ‘You’re always so slow.’
‘And you are very impatient, young lady.’
Marianne was waiting for us by the pool area with her granddaughter, Charlotte, a cherubic five-year-old with rosy cheeks and blonde ringlets.
‘OK?’ she said, touching my arm once Vic had headed up to the café on the second floor. ‘You look pale.’
‘You’d think I’d be used to this by now,’ I murmured, while the girls compared swimming bags. The humid, chlorinated air seemed to clog my lungs, making it harder to breathe. ‘It never gets any easier.’
‘Shall we try the outdoor pool?’
Feeling the bite of failure, I shook my head. ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘Not today.’ The outdoor pool was too deep, too busy. I couldn’t risk it.
Marianne smiled her understanding. ‘Another time.’
‘Can we do paddles in the baby pool first?’ Hayley asked.
‘Of course,’ I said, as I always did. Hayley knew that ‘Mummy only goes in the baby pool’ because Matt and I had presented it as a fact as soon as she was old enough to understand. I knew one day she’d ask why but, for now, she accepted it. ‘I’ll be watching,’ I said, tapping my nose.
‘I’m going to swim all the way up and down,’ she announced, face bright with excitement, and I marvelled, not for the first time, that while my daughter truly loved being in the water, I’d happily never set foot near a swimming pool again. At first, just the feel of a swimming costume, cold and tight against my skin, would tip me back to that day at Perran Cove. I’d got around it by wearing a two-piece, not caring that it showcased my pregnancy stretch marks or cellulite on my thighs – things I’d worried about revealing to Vic, who’d kissed every inch of me and told me I was beautiful.
In the changing cubicle, I fought back a feeling of claustrophobia and focused on stripping to my bikini, and helping Hayley undress.
Next door, Marianne was chatting to Charlotte and the sound soothed my nerves a little, quietening the questions roiling in my head. The last thing I wanted was Hayley picking up that anything was wrong, but she was happily oblivious as we emerged, her hair tucked into her Disney swimming cap. Apart from protecting her hair, it helped me keep her in sight, and to Marianne’s delight, Charlotte had insisted on wearing an identical cap.
Marianne kept casting me looks of concern as we herded the girls to the pool. Glancing up, I saw Vic in the café above the viewing gallery, a mug and paper in front of him. He smiled and blew a kiss, and I banished the thought that he was probably wishing he was somewhere else. He loved me, and loved being with me. He’d been willing to cancel our trip to Perran Cove to prove it.
A movement caught my eye. Pam had arrived to join Vic, canary-like in a yellow sundress that showed off her suntanned arms. I watched him greet her, unable from a distance to read the tone of his smile. She often came to watch before she did her shopping – had even asked to come in the water once, which Hayley had loved. Mum had been with us that time and was a bit affronted by Pam’s presence.
‘Hasn’t she got a family of her own to hang out with?’
‘Actually, no,’ I’d said. ‘And Hayley likes her.’
Chastened, Mum had been extra nice to Pam, but it struck me now that she hadn’t had much to say to her at my party the other night. I wondered whether Mum was jealous.
I returned Pam’s cheery wave, then watched the girls high-step into the water holding hands, shrieking and giggling. My body fizzed with tension. I wouldn’t relax until we were in the car, on our way home.
Understanding that it wasn’t the best time to make conversation, Marianne shrugged off her enormous towel and placed it with a couple of smaller ones on the bench, next to mine and Hayley’s. Her body was soft and white, the straps of her navy swimsuit cutting into the plump folds of her flesh, but she moved unselfconsciously after the girls.
‘You coming?’ She threw me a smile over her shoulder. I took my cue, wading after them, trying to pretend I was walking through a grassy meadow, not heading towards a deeper body of water.
I’d coped when Hayley was a toddler, able to splash with her in the shallows, and had trusted Matt with her in the bigger pool, even if I couldn’t watch when he ducked her underwater. It was harder now she wanted to throw herself around, doing handstands and having breath-holding competitions, and she and Charlotte loved dunking each other. I was hyperaware of other children, watchful of her being pulled under or knocked into, but the odd time it happened, she’d been unfazed.
‘Remember, you’re projecting your own fears,’ Matt had said in the past, hair plastered to his head, eyes pink-rimmed with chlorine. ‘Hayley isn’t frightened of the water – she’s a good little swimmer.’
It was true, but that didn’t stop my heart rate rising if she slipped out of sight for a second, though I did my best to hide my panic.
The pool was already getting busier, filling up with Saturday dads, toddlers with parents, teenagers, and plenty more headed up the steps to the outdoor pool.
I stared for a moment at the slice of sky visible through the open double doors, wishing I was outside, breathing fresh air. Preferably in the garden at home, painting, while Vic tended to the borders and Hayley played with Baxter on the lawn.
Tearing my eyes away, I glanced down at my feet, distorted by the clear water. My toenails were a vivid shade of fuchsia. I’d painted them the day before my birthday, which felt like a decade ago.
Hayley. With a jolt of adrenaline, I looked up, expecting to see her sturdy body next to Charlotte’s, their feet kicking up the water, splashing each other, but there was someone else in front of me: a woman in a lurid green bathing suit, bending low, holding the chubby hands of a toddler stomping his feet, gurgling up at her with a look of wonder.
I shoved past, water splashing up my calves, nearly falling over two little girls on their tummies, wearing goggles that gave them an alien-like appearance, pushing a rubber duck between them.
‘Hayley!’ My voice was lost in the clamour of shouts, squeals and splashes that echoed around me. ‘Marianne!’ Where was she? I spun around, trying to catch a glimpse, in time to see a teenager slip on the tiles as he ran towards the main pool. He fell in sideways, creating a wave-like effect that sent his friends thrashing to the sides. Seconds later, his head bobbed up, face split with laughter.
Where was Hayley? I seemed to be rotating on the spot, eyes zooming in on people who weren’t her. I looked frantically up at the café, but Vic was talking to Pam, not looking at the pool at all.
I made a whimpering sound as I scoured the area again for any sign of Marianne, moving closer to the gulley that joined the two pools. I pushed out a breath and pressed my lips into a smile for the mum with the toddler, who was giving me strange looks. As long as Marianne was with Hayley, she’d be fine, I told myself over and over. They went into the adjoining pool every week, at which point I got out and sat on the side to watch, pretending to enjoy myself.
I couldn’t get out now. Not until I knew where they were.
As my eyes raked the water, I thought I saw a flash of pink, then a small arm shoot above the surface. Hayley? I flicked a glance at the lifeguard in his distinctive red and yellow top. He seemed to be keeping a lookout, but it was busy. He could easily miss someone in difficulty.
The lifeguard hadn’t been patrolling the coves that day. If he had been – if he’d called the coastguard straight away – maybe the man wouldn’t have drowned and I wouldn’t be standing here, too terrified to move.
The arm appeared again, small and white in the midst of a circle of boys, the sound of their laughter distorted by the water.
My body lurched into action. I tripped through the shallows towards the gulley, the blood roaring in my ears. The water was higher, round my knees, my thighs. ‘Hayley!’ People turned, their faces a blur as I thrashed past, a few startled shouts as I splashed water in their eyes. ‘Where is she?’
Marianne was there, unfamiliar with her hair turned dark by the water and slicked to her scalp, her mouth a circle of shock. ‘Beth!’
‘Where is she?’ I could hardly get the words out.
‘What?’
I took a breath, dropped, and suddenly I was underwater, pressing air out through my nose, eyes stinging and burning as I held them wide open, looking for a small body at the bottom of the pool. All I could see were several sets of spindly legs treading water, and a young girl swimming towards me, hair trailing around her like fronds of sea grass.
I shot up like a scuba diver, gasping and rubbing my eyes, hair clinging to my cheeks like seaweed.
‘Beth, what on earth’s wrong?’
I felt the weight of Marianne’s hand on my shoulder and shrugged away, heart drumming in my chest. ‘Hayley,’ I managed to choke out.
‘Mummy, you’re nearly swimming!’
I prised open my chlorine-rinsed eyes to see a blurred version of Hayley in front of me, head and shoulders poking out of the water, her eyelashes spiky and wet. I blinked, trying to rearrange my face. ‘There you are!’ It was an attempt to sound spirited, as though we were playing a game, but came out sounding mangled. ‘I couldn’t see you.’ I was starting to shiver, my body juddering with a life of its own. I wanted to grab Hayley and run, but knew she’d be scared if I didn’t act like myself.
‘Mummy, you look funny.’ She doggy-paddled closer and patted my cheeks with wet hands. ‘Your hair’s drippy.’
Charlotte joined her, bobbing like a seal, her eyes wide and curious.
‘Go and play,’ I said to Hayley, catching her hands and kissing each in turn. ‘I just came to chat to Marianne.’
As they flipped away, agile as fish, I turned to meet Marianne’s worried gaze. ‘Don’t,’ I said through chattering teeth. ‘I know they’re safe with you, I just … I couldn’t see her, that’s all.’
‘Look at where you are.’ A smile broke over her face, which was damp and blotched with freckles close up. ‘Beth, you’re in the deep end.’
Sensation came flooding back. The deep end wasn’t that deep in the junior pool, but the water felt like a belt around my waist. I waited for panic to rise, but felt nothing beyond a bone-deep relief that my daughter was safe. ‘I couldn’t see her,’ I said again, eyes pinned to where she and Charlotte were swimming together, arms cutting through the water.
‘This is good, Beth.’ Marianne tipped onto her back and pushed away, towards the girls. ‘Maybe you should book some lessons,’ she called. ‘You’re stronger than you think.’
I stared after her, rubbing my upper arms, which were rippled with gooseflesh. Had Marianne sneaked Hayley out of sight as a test, even though she knew how terrified I’d be? Terrified enough to come looking?
I had to get out, even though it meant ripping my eyes away from Hayley for a few moments. The water felt weighty, but pushing through it wasn’t hard after all. It was just a pool, I reminded myself. There weren’t any giant waves waiting to enfold me; just ripples and eddies around my hips and legs.
I risked a glance up and caught Vic’s eye in time to see him gesture that he was coming down. He must have seen what happened. There was no sign of Pam, but as I looked for Marianne and the girls, I thought I glimpsed Matt, heading through the swing doors to the exit. My heart bumped. It wouldn’t be him, just someone with a similar gait. He didn’t come here when it was my turn to bring Hayley, and anyway, he’d be preparing for their trip to France tomorrow.
I grabbed my towel and draped it around me before sitting on the bench, waiting for Vic to appear. Eyes back on Hayley, a peculiar feeling of calm settled over me. OK, so I hadn’t exactly waded into a stormy ocean to save my daughter, but I’d rushed through water to find her, in spite of my crushing fear. As I let that sink in, another feeling rose and dug its claws in. A determination to face whatever was coming and beat it.
Marianne was right. I was stronger than I’d thought.
Swimming pools are strange places. Unnatural. That lifeguard wasn’t really watching what was going on. You have to be alert all the time, but I suppose it gets boring. It was odd, seeing you rush to ‘save’ her. Mother’s instinct, I suppose. I assumed your fear would override it. I was banking on it really. You surprised me. It means what’s coming might be trickier to pull off. Tricky, but far from impossible.
Not long now.