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I wake the next morning with my eyes swollen. When my mom asks about it, I just tell her I had a hard time going to sleep. Simon gives me a look, but he doesn’t push it.
With the help of some pop tarts I find enough energy to make it to school. Gracie and Alyssa link arms with me, and we walk inside. If I just keep the smile on my face, I can almost imagine I truly am happy. I’ll never be the same, but I can heal enough to be a good friend. And maybe, sometime years in the future, I’ll be able to open my heart again, but it would have to be someone even more amazing than Jax, and I’m not sure such a man exists.
“Jackie Bartell?”
It’s the last class of the day and almost the end of school when I look up to see the secretary standing in my classroom door.
I approach her, and she hands me a pair of black drumsticks.
“What’s this?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” the secretary says. “Some guy brought them in while I was at lunch and said they were for you. He didn’t leave a note or his name.”
“That’s weird,” I say.
I hadn’t been practicing the drums in a while, but the band teacher encouraged me to keep going. Maybe he had the sticks delivered to me. It didn’t make sense, but I had no other explanations.
I’m not even sure these are made of wood. They’re pretty fancy for drumsticks.
I shove them in my backpack right as the bell rings, zipping up around them, even though they still stick out. My classroom is near the music room, so I pop my head in. Mr. Garland is gathering up sheet music and looking it over as I enter.
“Mr. Garland,” I say. It’s strange to ask him about this.
“What can I help you with, Jackie?”
He glances up at me for the first time, and his eyes zero in on the drumsticks.
“Did you decide to pick up the drums again?” he asks, pointing.
“Um,” I raise an eyebrow. “Not really.”
He looks confused. “Then why would you spend fifty dollars on sticks that nice?”
Fifty dollars? For drumsticks? No way.
“So...” I start, already knowing the answer. “You didn’t send these to me?”
“No,” Mr. Garland says, balking. “And even if I did, they’d be the cheap five-dollar school-grade ones. Not those.”
“Thanks anyway,” I say, rushing from the room so I don’t have to bring it up anymore.
Maybe my parents somehow figured out I’ve been playing the drums. But they won’t even pay for my gas much less spend this much money on a gift when it’s not my birthday or a holiday. That only leaves one option.
It doesn’t compute. Especially since he announced he had a girlfriend. But the only person I can think of who would have bought these sticks is Jax, and the music store is the only place I know to find him.
I make my way to the parking lot and spot Gracie and Alyssa. I freeze, unsure what I should do. Part of me wants to approach them, but they’ll ask questions, and I’ll tell them. I have a feeling they’ll look at me like I’m some sort of kicked puppy for believing it’s Jax.
Plus, they’ve witnessed enough of my heartbreak. If I’m going to the music shop one last time, I have to do it by myself.
I hide behind a group of tall boys talking and laughing, and there’s so many it’s easy to get by unseen. Once I get to the parking lot, I run.
Maybe it’s pointless, but I have to do this now, or I might miss my chance again.
It’s agony waiting for drivers to turn left out of the school parking lot, but soon I’m on the road and heading for Music to My Ears.
The store is closer to the school than my home, thankfully, so I only have to wait through one excruciating red light.
My heart thumps faster and faster as I spot the shop from the road. The lights are on inside. I have no idea what that means, but I hope I can see Jax one last time.
I imagine his anger has cooled now that he’s going back to Take5, and he’s doing this to apologize before he starts his new life.
My breathing reaches hyperventilation status as I find a parking spot, so I take a second to cool myself down. I reach for my pack and grab the drumsticks out before marching up to the music shop door.
It’s crazy to see the entire place cleaned out, but one thing has stayed the same. The bells still chime as I enter.
He must be here. He has to be if the door was unlocked. I’m unsure whether to go to his hiding place behind the register, or to the empty storage room at the back, but my bet is the register so I go that direction first.
My knees wobble when I spot him. Even though he’s wearing a hat and medical-type mask over his mouth, I recognize him. I would recognize him anywhere.
He glances to me, standing at the same time he removes his mask.
“You made it,” he says, a crooked smile on his face.
I thought I’d be happy to see that smile again, but I’m not. How can he be perfectly whole when I’ve gone through hell and back? Is he not sorry for everything he put me through?
I chuck one precious drumstick at his head.
He ducks just as it wizzes by his ear. So I chuck the other one, this time aiming a little lower. It hits the tip of his ear.
“Ow!”
I pivot on my heel, stomping out to the storefront.
“What did you do that for?” he says, calling after me.
I pause and see a stray piece of paper. I crumple that up and huck it at him as well.
“Seriously?” His mouth is open, and his eyebrows are raised.
As if he doesn’t know exactly what he’s done.
“You’re lucky I don’t have anything more dangerous to throw at you!”
It’s been four months, two weeks, three days, and one hour since he left, and this is the first thing I say to him.
“I’m so sorry—” he starts, but I don’t want to hear it.
I find an eraser in my pocket so I chuck that at him, too. I wish it was something bigger that would hurt him. Not badly, but just enough for him to feel my pain.
“You have no right!”
He holds up his hands in defense. “Okay, I get it.”
“No!” I say, stamping a foot like a toddler. “I don’t think you get it.”
“You’re right,” he agrees. “I don’t.”
“You left me!” I burst. “I didn’t even have a chance to explain.”
His eyes fill with tears as his chest rises with air. “That was stupid of me.”
As if that excuses him. For the past six months I’ve been wallowing in sorrow.
“It was the worst thing I’ve ever been through!”
His hands start to lower. “I can see that.”
I clench my fists all the tighter, wishing there were more things to throw. “Then you show up out of nowhere and run from me again.”
“I know, I can ex—”
“And then I have to hear from the media you have a new girlfriend!”
His eyes widen as he pulls his head backward. “What?”
“I read the statement your entertainment agency released yesterday.”
“Oh,” he says, relaxing, “that.”
I toss my hands up in the air. “Yes, that!”
“There’s a reason,” he says.
“I don’t want to hear it,” I answer, flipping around and opening the door.
Jax takes hold of my wrist before I can go and spins me into his embrace, holding me tight.
“Will you quit walking away and give me a second to apologize?”
I wiggle out of his grip. “No, you didn’t give me a chance, so why would I give you one?”
I rush for the exit, and my fingers are slipping from the door as I hear him yell after me.
“Because I love you!”
My feet stumble, and I come to a halt. The bells ding, and Jax is there, standing in front of me.
“I need you to give me a chance because I love you. There’s nothing I regret more than leaving that day.”
How can I trust him after everything I’ve been through? I huff, staring at a point just above his head.
He kneels down, right there in the asphalt, looking up to me still on the curb. “Please,” he says. “Just give me a half hour. If you still want me to leave you alone after that, I will, but I have to tell you my side of the story.” His eyes look big and round and puppy-like. But I won’t fall for it. At least not completely.
I guess it wouldn’t hurt to listen for a half hour, and I hate to see him looking so pitiful in the street. Besides, I would never want him to go through everything I went through.
“Fine,” I consent. “Let’s go back inside.”
I head straight to the room behind the register. My arms cross, and I focus on the wall as he enters.
“You don’t have to forgive me,” he starts. “Maybe you shouldn’t since I didn’t give you this same curtesy.”
I huff again, still refusing to look at him.
“But,” he says, “I have hope you’ll understand me.”
That softens me a bit, but I try not to show it.
“First,” he continues, “I have to clear up something you said. I don’t have a girlfriend. That statement my company released, it was because I want to date you.”
He pauses like he’s waiting for a reaction from me. There’s plenty of reactiveness happening in my belly. I could melt right then and there and run into his arms, but nothing will be solved between us if I do that. So, I stay in my stubborn stance and keep listening.
“It was a mistake for me to go. I was angry at first because I was selfish. I thought my company would never forgive me, and my family was more important. But when we went back to Hong Kong, I fell into a deep depression. Life without you was no life.”
I dare to look at him for the first time and see how slumped over he’s become. His head hangs, his black hair in front of his eyes.
“I know we didn’t date that long, but I also know I’ve never been as happy as I was in that time with you, and I started to think if I had my career back and you by side, I would have everything. I guess I was being greedy.”
He raises his gaze and locks his eyes on me. My arms start to unfold, his words softening me, but I still say nothing.
One corner of his mouth turns up. “It didn’t take me four months to figure that out, by the way. It only took a few weeks. I’ve been fighting for months with YPJ because I knew if I came back, I couldn’t hide anymore.”
“Then why did you run at the festival?” I ask, finding my voice. “The company had already announced your return.”
“Yes,” he said, “but I didn’t want the paparazzi getting to you before I could make the announcement. The company wanted to wait until I resumed activities, but I told them I’d run away again if they didn’t release the statement now. That way I could come to you with nothing to stop us. Except maybe me, because I deserve to be kicked to the curb.”
Dang, it’s sweet how much he did so we could be back together.
“You couldn’t have called and told me all this?” I say, a crack in my voice.
He closes his eyes. “I deserve to be reprimanded in every possible way.”
“That’s not an answer.”
When he looks to me again, water fills his eyes. “I’m a coward, okay? I didn’t want you to reject me before everything was taken care of. If you didn’t forgive me, and I couldn’t go back to Take5, there wouldn’t be much left for me, and I couldn’t face that possibility.”
I step forward and give him a gentle punch in the shoulder. “Don’t ever do that again!”
Now that I’m within his reach, he pulls me towards him. I wrap my arms around his neck, and he holds me around the waist, embracing me as tightly as he can. I bury my head in his neck and take in his fresh scent that I’ve missed so much.
“Does this mean you forgive me?” he whispers in my ear.
“I wasn’t that mad to begin with,” I say. “There was an empty spot in my life without you, and for the first time in a long time, I feel whole again.”
He pulls away so he can look at me, and moves a hair from my eyes. “I love you, Jackie Bartell.”
“And I love you Jax Yang.”
He lips meet mine and it feels like flowers are blooming in my chest. Where there was once ice, there’s grass growing, and instead of a cold wind, birds are singing. The longest, coldest, winter of my life is finally over.
The Fight