Maggie sat in her desk chair on Monday afternoon, swinging herself back and forth with the toe of her work sneaker. There had been so much to take in yesterday, and she was struggling to make sense of it. That Asher still missed his husband—that wasn’t a surprise. Of course he did. But the degree to which he wished to have Alex back?
Harder to process.
When he’d told her that, the realization had struck hard: Alex would always be a part of whatever relationship she had with Asher and Ruth. And trusting Asher’s assurances that he was ready to build something with her didn’t come easy. That Ruth was ready to make that change. Trusting someone romantically after growing up with no faith in love was hard enough. Parenting was another thing entirely...
At least I didn’t bolt.
That was progress. She’d shocked herself when she’d resisted the urge to flee. It had been nearly impossible to stay put after Asher had announced he wanted Alex with him—how else could she take that to mean anything but that she didn’t live up to his husband’s example? But she’d forced herself to stay, to ask for clarification.
And he’d said all the right things.
Add that to yesterday having been great with Ruth—styling her hair, taking her to the ski simulator, the marathon string of Uno games they’d played in front of the space heater in Lachlan’s office when they’d gone to the addition to move Asher’s things from the main room.
It felt right, earning a place in Ruth’s life. They needed a whole lot more time together, but Maggie was starting to wonder if she had the right instincts to be a mother figure, despite having grown up with the opposite.
But wondering was too wishy-washy. Taking that final step with both of them—believing she could be a mother to Ruth and laying her heart in Asher’s hands—didn’t come so easily.
Snatching her cell off her desk, she shot off a rapid text to a joint thread she had with Garnet and Emma.
How do I let myself fall in love?
Wow, that looked ridiculous in a text bubble. Her friends must have thought so, too, because they didn’t respond. Possible they were at work. Or they were on a separate text thread, hashing out what they should say before they responded.
She killed time for a few more minutes. She both wanted advice and was petrified of having to take it. When her phone buzzed twice in rapid succession, she almost hit the ceiling.
Emma: Just be honest about what you’re feeling, Maggie. Talk to him.
Garnet: Emma’s right.
Oh for crying out loud, they were colluding against her.
See you at the barn in an hour?
That one wasn’t from Emma or Garnet.
Asher.
Maggie cracked a smile. Her chest warmed.
Be honest... Talk to him...
See you in the barn.
Put it together, and she had her answer.
She wiped her sweaty palms on her scrub pants. Talking to him in the barn in an hour. Sounded easy, but was pretty much the hardest thing.
Before she could muster the courage to head home and change, Lachlan poked his head in her office.
“Take off, Maggie,” he said. “Marisol’s ducking the weather over at Zach’s with the baby, so I’ll stick around to touch base with Asher. He figures he should be done by the end of the week.”
“I know,” she said. “He was worried after being sick yesterday, though.”
Bracing his hand on the doorjamb, Lachlan cocked a brow. “You talked to him?”
“I... I hung out with Ruth for a while, given he was under the weather.”
Lachlan grinned. “Marisol told me.”
Irritation flared up her neck. Why Lachlan had to commit to being the annoying youngest sibling so well, she didn’t know. “So why did you ask? You are such a pain in the rear.”
“Then I’m doing my job.”
“Since when does anyone in our family ever do their job?”
The accusation hung in the air, dripping with decades of suppressed resentment.
Lachlan blinked in shock. “When have I ever not been there for you, Maggie?”
“That’s not what I meant.”
He crossed his arms. “Maybe not, but you said it, and I think it’s true to a point. You’re always waiting for the rug pull, aren’t you? Even though Grams and Gramps showed you what a home could be, and I’ve had your back since we were kids. Why do you have to give Mom and Dad so much power over your life? You and Stella both—you’re so damned afraid, and you’re missing out.”
If it had just been Garnet’s reminder about growth yesterday, or Lachlan’s rebuke today, Maggie might have been able to ignore them. But to have two people in her life deliver such similar messages...
She lowered her gaze and swore.
Lachlan slipped sideways against the door frame, barely catching himself before he toppled over. “What did you say?”
“Something that was right two seconds ago but doesn’t need to be repeated,” she said between gritted teeth.
“No, say it again,” he encouraged. “Let it out, Maggie. Whatever you’ve been holding in that brain of yours—that heart, more likely—for so long.”
“I don’t need to swear again, Lach,” she said softly. “But I could open up some. Especially with Asher.” Her throat tightened, but she fought the fear. Asher was an amazing person, who had a whole lot on the line himself. He’d listen and would support her, no matter what it meant for them going forward. It would just take being fully honest about where she was coming from and why she was so stinking afraid. Afraid she wasn’t good enough and would never live up to Alex’s memory. And maybe with admitting how she felt, she could lose some of that fear. Enough to create a future with him and Ruth.
An hour later, Maggie waited in the main area of the barn, but stacking and restacking various supplies could only keep a person busy to a point. Nerves skittered along her skin as she tried to put her thoughts in logical order. She’d sent her brother home after their chat and had stuck around to finish paperwork. She glanced down at her purple scrubs and utilitarian sneakers. Why had she not run home to get changed? Asher would be here any minute, and her work clothes weren’t exactly the height of fashion.
She was in the middle of reorganizing a training supply cupboard when Ruth and Jackson tumbled into the main area of the addition, a tangle of blue-gray dog limbs and messy pigtails.
“Can I read my book on the couch in the office?” Ruth asked. “I’m almost done this awesome story about dragons. Except they’re cats. And there’s a portal. It’s so cool.”
“That does sound cool,” Maggie said. “And help yourself to the couch. The heater’s there if you get chilly.”
Asher strolled through the front door as Ruth tore down the back hallway, Jackson loping at her heels. His gaze went smoky as he looked Maggie up and down.
Son of a biscuit, that slow grin... It lit a fire in her belly.
But they’d have to wait to explore that. They had far too much company and needed to talk.
He closed the space between them and brushed his fingers along her cheek. “Have I ever told you how cute you look in scrubs?”
Her heart hammered, and she took the easy route—going for casual banter rather than asking him to come to her office so she could spill her guts. “Just what a grown woman wants to be—cute,” she said, pretending annoyance.
He peeked behind her, appearing to check for his daughter’s presence. With a satisfied half smile, he dipped his lips to forehead. “I’d kiss you, but I want to make sure I’m not sick anymore.”
“A hug’s good, too.”
Getting to see this man was really the perfect way to end her workday.
Work up some courage, and you might be able to come home to him, too.
He drew back. “A person can be more than one thing, Maggie. In your case, looks-wise? Sexy, beautiful, attractive—pick a synonym, any synonym.” He smirked. “And I stand by cute.”
She couldn’t get past the first part of his claim. “More than one thing,” she repeated.
Her grandmother had believed bad things came in threes. Well, advice came in threes too, apparently.
Asher shot her a puzzled look. “Well, yeah. We all have facets, Maggie. And I gotta say, yours fascinate me. Even though you’re still keeping some of them from view.”
She inhaled deeply. “About that... Do you think Ruth will be occupied for a bit if we have a talk?”
His brows drew together. “She won’t even notice. The kid loves herself some dragons.”
“And cats, apparently.”
Maybe one day Asher and Ruth would want to move into Maggie’s place and they could adopt a whole menagerie, minus the dragon—
Slamming the brakes on that fantasy, she took a deep breath.
“What do you want to talk about, love?”
How I fall for you a little more every time you call me that.
“I have so much baggage. It seems unfair to saddle you with it,” she blurted.
He held up a hand. “You have baggage? I come with a kid. And grief.”
She wrung her hands. “Sure, but even with the complications, you still manage to be brave. And I’m...not. I mean, sure, I had fun with Ruth yesterday. And I was glad to be able to pitch in and make your day a little easier. But is that really what a relationship is?”
“Well, yeah. Sort of.” He studied her. “I mean, it’s also sharing a glass of wine on a Thursday evening, and holding hands while taking the dog out for a walk, and sneaking kisses and a whole lot of mindless pleasure. But it’s nothing exceptional. Your average relationship is exceptional in its normalcy.”
“I didn’t see a lot of normal,” she admitted. “I saw Mom drinking wine until she passed out on a Thursday, and was yelled at when I dared ask for a dog. And mindless pleasure? Maybe my dad had that—with his mistress du jour.”
He hissed out a breath. “God, Maggie.”
She shrugged.
“But you’ve seen love, though. Your grandparents, your brother and Marisol. Hell, my brother and Garnet, too. I get your parents were a rotten example, and that leaves an imprint. Alex’s parents’ rejection hurt until the day he died. But the love in his life from his chosen family—me, Ruth, my family, our friends—it overflowed.”
“It’s so hard to trust that if I reach out, my heart will be safe. It’s not just my parents. My ex-boyfriend left me and stole our dog, Asher—” Her throat tightened, making his name sound like a croak. “I didn’t get to say goodbye. It’s not the same as losing a person, I know. And I logically know you wouldn’t do anything like that. But it’s hard to break out of the mindset of that being what a relationship is.”
“I—” He sighed. “Being vulnerable is risky. I know that. I know exactly what it’s like to fall, to commit, to love with my whole self and then when it falls apart to not be whole for a while. But I’m working at putting myself back together. I won’t be exactly the same again, and I’m okay with that. And when I think about where I want to be, who I want to be with? I see being with you. And I hate the idea of taking the risk with you and not having it work out, or God forbid, losing you. But I hate the idea of not having you in my life more.”
Her eyes stung. “I want you in my life, too. And Ruth. And I wish I was as resilient as you.”
“It’s a choice, Maggie. Before Alex died, he and I talked about me finding love again. He wanted that for me. I wanted that for me. But that didn’t make it easy. I had to decide to actually do the thing. Hell, I make that decision every day. But I promised I’d move forward when I was ready. And with you—I’m ready.”
“I—” She wrapped her arms around herself.
“Hey.” In the absence of furniture, he sat with his back braced against one of the cabinets he’d built. He motioned her over. “Don’t close up. Just this once. Come snuggle for a second, stay open with me. Push a little farther, see how it goes.”
Farther. Stay open. Her heart pounded, but just like she’d tried extra yesterday and she’d managed to bond with Ruth, maybe she could progress here, too. She sat between his splayed legs, her knees bent over one of his thighs. She settled against his flannel-covered chest. So much strength, and not just physical. Yeah, he had muscle definition to spare, and his arms ringed her in a hug more comforting than anything she’d ever known. Enough to hold her and buoy her and make her feel like she might possibly be enough for this man.
And his daughter.
“I’m so afraid of failing Ruth like my mom and dad failed me. Teaching her how to work with a dog and braiding her hair does not a mother make.”
“Uh, that’s exactly what a mother does. Just like all those little things that make up a partnership? Same goes for parenting.”
Hope pulsed at her center. If parenting truly was about the little things, then she could see herself being a mother, a mentor to Ruth. Would it really be that simple? She wanted it to be. So much. Except how could anything be simple? “There will always be a third parent in the room. A third partner. Someone you’ll always deeply love. And living up to the example he set? Filling the hole he left in your lives, being the parent he was? I don’t know if I can do that.”
A gasp sounded from around the corner and Ruth appeared in the hallway. She dropped her backpack on the floor and hugged herself tightly. “No one can be like Papa.”
Maggie jerked to sitting and tried to scramble out of Asher’s arms. He didn’t stop her from standing, but he rose with her, keeping a hand on her shoulder.
“No one needs to be, Ruth. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.” He lowered his voice and murmured, “Alex included.”
For Maggie’s benefit only, she assumed.
“Papa told me it would be okay if Dad found someone else to love. So why can’t you love us back?”
“Oh, Ruth, I’m just...” Scared. Asher’s hand tightened on her shoulder, and she took a deep breath. “Figuring things out.”
“Peanut,” Asher said, “eavesdropping can mean hearing things out of context. And hearing adults-only things.”
“But you said you couldn’t be a parent,” Ruth cried, piercing Maggie with an accusatory look that cut her to her soul. “You don’t like spending time with me?”
“That’s not what Maggie said,” Asher soothed, beckoning his daughter over with a hand.
She shook her head. “I don’t want a hug.”
Asher’s posture crumbled a little.
And Maggie desperately wanted to hold them both up, knowing all the while she was the one pulling them down. Driving a wedge between father and daughter.
She couldn’t let that happen. “I love spending time with you, but I want to make sure I fit in your life,” she insisted. The truth burned in her chest like a supernova. She did love spending time with Ruth. Heck, she plain loved everything about Ruth. And Asher.
Reeling from that realization, she was slow on the uptake when Ruth whispered, “You don’t want to be my stepmom.”
“What?” Maggie said on a gasp. It was the opposite. She wanted nothing but that. Nothing but that and to be with Asher, obviously, but the two were part and parcel... “Ruth, no, I—”
“Ruthie,” Asher warned. “You’re getting carried away.”
“No, I’m not!” She whirled around and ducked back into Lachlan’s half-furnished office. The dog scooted in, almost getting his whiplike tail stuck in the door as Ruth slammed it.
The lock clicked.
Maggie’s heart plummeted. “I messed things up.”
Asher raked a hand through his hair. “Once she’s cooled off, we can explain again, that we’re not ready to think about terms like stepmom.”
“But I was starting to think—” No. Stop. Listen to Asher. So she’d had a realization she wanted to build a life with him and Ruth? That was no good, not if it didn’t benefit them, too. And look at the rift she’d caused today—she couldn’t guarantee she wouldn’t mess things up again in the future. The prospect of causing problems between Ruth and Asher made her sick to her stomach. They deserved better than that.
Even if it meant letting them go.
Asher watched Maggie’s face crumble. But it was more than her face. It looked like she was dissolving on the inside, too. Falling back into the self-protective patterns she’d learned while being raised by asshole parents, maybe?
Damn, he hoped not. Okay. Think.
He scrubbed his hands down his face. This could have gone better. But he and Maggie could fix it.
“Give me a sec,” he said to Maggie before walking over to the office door and resting his forehead against it. “Ruth? Honey?” He pitched his voice loud enough for his daughter to hear. “Talk to me.”
“I want to be alone!”
Maggie, eyes wide and hands clasped in a nervous knot, stood a few yards away at the end of the hallway. “I’ll give you some privacy.”
“Not necessary.” Asher examined the lock on the door. It didn’t have a safety feature where it could be opened from the outside with a bobby pin or anything. “This needs a key. Do you have one?”
She nodded. “They’re over at my house—want me to go get them?”
“Uh, not yet. I’m going to see if I can get her to open the door.”
“I’ll head home so that you can try to talk to her without me around. Text me if you need me to bring you the keys.”
He reached a hand out to her, but she was too far to touch. “Stay, Maggie.”
“Your daughter needs you.”
“Which doesn’t preclude you staying.”
She looked unconvinced. “Yeah, I think it does.”
He lowered his voice to make sure Ruth didn’t catch what he said. “What are you saying?”
“That you should focus on your daughter.”
Damn, the pain in her eyes. “I know I should, and I will, but look... I know Ruth. She wasn’t bothered by you and me being together. She just needs to feel secure.”
“I—” Tears shone in her eyes. “I want her to be secure more than anything. I wish I’d had that as a child—it’s the most important thing. But if we stay together... I’ll get between you somehow. And I can’t let that happen.”
His chest clenched. “How, Maggie?”
Her teeth tugged on her lower lip. “I already am. She locked herself in my brother’s office.”
“Kids have rough days,” he murmured.
“You think I don’t know that? That’s exactly what I’m trying to minimize.”
He mumbled a curse. “Maggie, I love you. And I’m pretty sure Ruth does, too. And I think you’re capable of returning that. I really do. But you’ve got to believe it, too.”
“I know.” She stepped forward. Resting a hand on his cheek, she rose on her toes and kissed him softly. A heart-rending press of lips. “And that’s what I’m trying to do. I want to believe I can do this.”
“I’m good with trying. It eventually turns into doing.”
Her throat bobbed. “But you deserve more than that, Asher. So does Ruth. I can’t ever replace Alex, but until I can be sure I can be what you and Ruth need... This can’t work.” Tears trickled down her cheeks and she wiped them away with the back of her hand. “Coax your kid out of that office. She’s more likely to come out if I’m not here.”
“I wholly disagree.” His chest burned—love, panic, annoyance. “But I’m fresh out of ways to show you that you’re exactly what Ruth and I need.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Don’t be sorry. Just figure out what you need to figure out.” He clenched his jaw. As much as he wanted to take the risk for her, it was something she had to do herself. And he and Ruth were helpless bystanders. “But you’re right—until you do, I need to put Ruth first. Make sure she’s not getting hurt. I’ll call you if I need the keys.”
Shoulders slumped, Maggie turned and headed for the door. Her footsteps receded. He hated that she was walking away. Hated that his daughter was hiding, too. He leaned against the office door again. “Ruthie? What’s the issue, here? Do you not like the idea of me dating Maggie?”
“She doesn’t want me!”
They had a couple of layers of steel and insulated foam between them, but her heartbreak carried straight through.
Asher’s heart squeezed. “She didn’t say that, honey. She’s being thoughtful about whether she wants to commit with me, yes. But Ruth—that’s a good thing. It shows she wants what’s best for both of us. It shows she loves us.”
I hope.
A loud sniffle reached his ears. “What’s wrong with me, Daddy?”
Oh, God, that was enough to crack his chest open. He held a hand to his rib cage, shocked he didn’t find a bloody wound. “Nothing, Ruth. You’re incredible.”
“Why did we have to move? It’s no fun being new and trying to make friends—” Her words broke off in a sob.
He flattened a palm on the door, his own eyes stinging. “Let me in, honey. We can talk it out some more. Figure out how to help you find your place.”
“No! I want to be alone.”
“Not happening. Maggie’s gone to get the keys,” he fudged. “And I want to give you a hug.”
“I need to be by myself! Promise you won’t come in.”
“I can’t do that, Ruth.” His lungs shuddered with defeat. He could unlock the door and violate her need for space. Or he could sit out here and feel like the crappiest father in the world. Sliding to the ground, he leaned against the door, letting his head fall back on the cool surface. “I’ll give you a half hour, okay?”
He heard her moving around, and the click of Great Dane nails on laminate.
“Ruth? You’re good with a half hour?”
“Maybe.”
“I’ll be right here,” he promised.
“And Maggie’s coming back?”
“Like I said, getting the keys,” he lied. Having his heart broken was one thing. But his daughter’s was still too fragile to suffer another loss.