Thomas had no idea where he intended to go. When he moved through the rectory, brushing past the housekeeper, who’d gone from disinterest to unabashed eavesdropping; when he walked down the front steps and into the bright Irish sunlight; when he stood there for a moment, blinking, disoriented, he only had one thought—
Away.
He had to get away.
He did not want to see his grandmother. He did not want to see the new Duke of Wyndham.
He did not want Amelia to see him.
And so he hopped on his horse and rode. He rode all the way to Butlersbridge, since it was the only place he knew. He passed the drive to Cloverhill—he was not ready to go back there, not when the rest of them would be returning so soon—and continued on until he saw a public house on his right. It looked reputable enough, so he dismounted and went in.
And that was where Amelia found him, five hours later.
“We’ve been looking for you,” she said, her tone trying to be bright and cheerful.
Thomas closed his eyes for a moment, rubbing one finger along the bridge of his nose before he replied. “It appears you have found me.”
She sucked in her lips, her eyes resting on the half-empty tankard of ale that sat before him.
“I am not drunk, if that is what you are wondering.”
“I would not fault you if you were.”
“A tolerant woman.” He sat back in his chair, his posture lazy and loose. “What a pity I did not marry you.”
Not drunk, perhaps, but he’d had enough alcohol to have become a little bit mean.
She did not reply. Which was probably for the best. If she’d given him the set-down he so richly deserved, he’d have had to respond in kind. Because that was the sort of mood he was in. And then he’d have to dislike himself even more than he did right now.
Frankly, he found the whole proposition rather tiresome.
She did not deserve his foul mood, but then again, he had attempted to remove himself from social interaction. She was the one who had hunted him down, all the way to the Derragarra Inn.
She sat in the chair across from him, regarding him with an even expression. And then it occurred to him—
“What are you doing here?”
“I believe I said I was looking for you.”
He looked around. They were in a pub, for God’s sake. Men were drinking. “You came without a chaperone?”
She gave a little shrug. “I doubt anyone has noticed I’ve gone missing. There is quite a bit of excitement at Cloverhill.”
“All are feting the new duke?” he asked, dry and wry.
She cocked her head to the side, a tiny acknowledgment of his sarcasm. “All are feting his upcoming marriage.”
He looked up sharply at that.
“Not to me,” she put in hastily, raising a hand as if to ward off the query.
“Yes,” he murmured. “All that feting would be a bit awkward without the bride.”
Her mouth clamped together, betraying her impatience with him. But she kept her temper, saying, “He is marrying Grace.”
“Is he now?” He smiled at that. For real. “That’s good. That’s a good thing.”
“They seem to love each other very much.”
He looked up at her. She was sitting very quietly. It wasn’t just her voice, though; it was her demeanor, her aspect. Her hair was pulled back loosely, with a few misbehaving tendrils tucked behind her ears, and her mouth—she wasn’t smiling, but she wasn’t frowning, either. Considering all that had transpired that day, she was remarkably serene and composed. And maybe a little happy. If not for herself, then for Jack and Grace.
“The proposal was very romantic,” she informed him.
“You witnessed it?”
She grinned. “We all did.”
“Even my grandmother?”
“Oh, yes.”
He chuckled, despite his determination to remain cross. “I am sorry I missed it.”
“I am sorry you missed it, too.”
There was something in her voice…And when he looked up, there was something in her eyes, too. But he didn’t want to see it. He didn’t want to know it. He did not want her pity or her sympathy or whatever it was when a woman’s face held that awful expression—a little bit maternal, a little bit sad, as if she wanted to fix his problems for him, make it all go away with a kiss and a There, there.
Was it too much to ask for a few bloody moments to wallow in his own miseries?
And they were his own. It wasn’t the sort of thing that could ever be classified as a shared experience.
Ah, yes, I am the man formerly known as the Duke of Wyndham.
It was going to be bloody brilliant at parties.
“I think Mr. Audley is scared,” Amelia said.
“He should be.”
She nodded a bit at that, her expression thoughtful. “I suppose so. He will have a great deal to learn. You always seemed terribly busy whenever I was at Belgrave.”
He took a drink of his ale, not because he wanted it—it was his third tankard, and he rather thought he’d had enough. But if she thought he was planning to drink himself stupid, perhaps she’d leave.
It would be easier without her.
Today. Here. He was Mr. Thomas Cavendish, gentleman of Lincolnshire, and right now it would be easier without her.
But she did not take the hint, and if anything, she seemed to be settling more deeply into her seat as she said, “Grace will help him, I’m sure. She knows so much about Belgrave.”
“She’s a good woman.”
“Yes, she is.” She looked down at her fingers, idly tracing the scratches and grooves in the table, then glanced back up. “I did not know her very well before this trip.”
He found that an odd statement. “You have known her your entire life.”
“But not well,” she clarified. “She was always Elizabeth’s friend, not mine.”
“I imagine Grace would disagree with that assessment.”
Her brows rose, just enough to exhibit her disdain. “It is easy to see that you don’t have siblings.”
“Meaning?”
“It’s impossible for one to have friendships in equal measure with two siblings. One must always be the primary friend.”
“How complicated it must be,” he said in a dry voice, “befriending the Willoughby sisters.”
“Five times more complicated than befriending you.”
“But not nearly as difficult.”
She looked at him with a cool expression. “At the moment, I would have to concur.”
“Ouch.” He smiled, but without much humor. Much being a bit of an overstatement.
She did not respond, which for some reason needled him. And so—even though he knew he was being an ass—he leaned over, peering down at her hands.
She pulled them back immediately. “What are your doing?”
“Checking for claws,” he replied, his very voice a smirk.
She stood. Abruptly. “You are not yourself.”
It was enough to make him laugh. “You’ve only just realized?”
“I’m not talking about your name,” she shot back.
“Oh, it must be my charming attitude and aspect, then.”
Her lips pinched. “You are not usually so sarcastic.”
Good Lord. What did she expect from him? “Pray have a bit of sympathy, Lady Amelia. Am I permitted at least a few hours to mourn the loss of everything I hold dear?”
She sat, but her movements were gingerly, and she did not look comfortable in her position. “Forgive me.” Her jaw clenched, and she swallowed before she said, “I should be more understanding.”
He let out an aggravated breath, rubbing his hand over his eye and forehead. Damn, he was tired. He hadn’t slept the night before, not a wink, and at least an hour of his wakefulness had been spent in the rather uncomfortable state of wanting her. And now she was acting like this?
“Don’t beg my forgiveness,” he said, exhausted by the whole thing.
She opened her mouth, then shut it. He suspected she’d been about to apologize for apologizing.
He took another drink.
Again, she did not take the hint. “What will you do?”
“This afternoon?” he murmured, knowing full well that wasn’t what she meant.
She gave him a peeved look.
“I don’t know,” he said irritably. “It’s only been a few hours.”
“Well, yes, but you’ve been thinking about it for over a week. And on the boat you seemed quite certain that this would be the outcome.”
“It’s not the same.”
“But—”
“For God’s sake, Amelia, will you let well enough alone?”
She drew back, and he instantly regretted his outburst. But not enough to apologize for it.
“I should go,” she said, her voice flat.
He certainly wasn’t going to stop her. Hadn’t he been trying to be rid of her? She would walk out that door, and he’d finally have some peace and quiet, and he wouldn’t have to just sit here, trying so hard not to look at her face.
At her mouth.
At that little spot on her lips that she liked to touch with her tongue when she was nervous.
But as she rose to her feet, something grabbed him from the inside—that annoying little kernel of integrity that refused to make its exit along with the rest of his identity.
Bloody hell.
“Do you have an escort?” he asked.
“I don’t need one,” she replied, clearly unimpressed with his tone.
He stood, his chair scraping loudly against the floor. “I will escort you back.”
“I believe I said—”
He took her arm, a bit more roughly than he’d intended. “You are an unmarried woman, alone in a foreign land.”
She gave him a look of some disbelief. “I have a mount, Thomas. It is not as if I will be walking the roads alone.”
“I will escort you,” he repeated.
“Will you be civil?”
“Civility seems to be the one thing I cannot lose,” he said dryly. “Else I’d have been happy to leave you be.”
For a moment he thought she might argue, but her innate good sense took hold. “Very well,” she said, with an impatient breath. “You may feel free to deposit me at the end of the lane, should you wish.”
“Is that a dare, Lady Amelia?”
She turned to him with eyes so sad he almost felt punched. “When did you start calling me lady again?”
He stared at her for several moments before finally answering, soft and low, “When I ceased to be a lord.”
She made no comment, but he saw her throat work. Bloody hell, she had better not cry. He could not do this if she cried.
“Let us return, then,” she said, and she pulled her arm free and stepped quickly in front of him. He heard the catch in her voice, though, and as she walked to the door, he could see that her gait was not right.
She looked too stiff and she was not holding her hands the way she usually did. Her arm did not sway in that tiny, graceful movement he so adored.
Except he hadn’t realized he adored it.
He had not even known that he knew the rhythms of her walk until he saw that she wasn’t doing it.
And it was so damned frustrating that now, in the middle of all of this rot, when he wanted to do nothing but sit and be sorry for himself, he hurt for her.
“Amelia,” he said once they exited the inn. His voice sounded abrupt, but he hadn’t meant to call out to her. It had just…happened.
She stopped. Her fingers went up to her face and back down again before she turned.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
She did not ask why, but the question hung in the air nonetheless.
“For being so rude. You were undeserving of it.”
She looked up and then to the side before finally meeting his gaze. “You behaved far better than most men would have done in your situation.”
Somehow he managed a smile. “If you happen to meet someone else—in my situation, that is—kindly give him my direction.”
A tiny, mortified giggle escaped her lips. “I’m so sorry,” she got out. Barely.
“Oh, don’t be. If anyone deserves to laugh, it is you.”
“No,” she said immediately. “No. I could never—”
“That’s not what I meant,” he said, cutting her off before she could say something that might make him feel even more of a clod. “Merely that you’ve had your life overturned as well.”
He helped her up to her saddle, trying not to allow his hands to linger at her waist. Or to notice that she smelled like roses.
“It’s not far back to Cloverhill,” she said once they were on their way.
He nodded.
“Oh yes, of course you must know that. You’d have ridden past, on the way back from Maguiresbridge.”
He nodded again.
She nodded, too, then faced front, her eyes focused securely on the road ahead of her. She was quite a good rider, he noted. He did not know how she’d fare under less sedate conditions, but her posture and seat were perfect.
He wondered if her spine would soften, if her shoulders might slouch just a bit if she actually turned and looked at him.
But she didn’t. Every time he glanced in her direction, he saw her profile. Until finally they reached the turnoff to Cloverhill.
“The end of the drive, I believe you specified,” he murmured.
“Are you coming in?” she asked. Her voice wasn’t tentative, but there was something heartbreakingly careful about it.
“No.”
She nodded. “I understand.”
He doubted that she did, but there seemed no reason to say it.
“Are you coming back at all?” she asked.
“No.” He hadn’t thought about it until this moment, but no, he did not wish to journey back to England with their traveling party. “I will make my own way back to Belgrave,” he told her. And after that, he could not say. He supposed he’d remain in residence for a week or so to show Jack what was what. Collect his belongings. Surely some of it was his and not the dukedom’s. It would be rather hard to swallow if he did not even own his own boots.
Why that was more depressing than the loss of the entire bloody castle, he’d never know.
“Good-bye, then,” she said, and she smiled a bit. But just a bit. In its own way, her smile was the saddest thing he’d ever seen.
“Good-bye, Amelia.”
She paused for a moment, then nudged her mount to the left, preparing to set off down the drive.
“Wait!” he called out.
She turned in her seat, her eyes shining hopeful. A bit of her hair caught the breeze, lifting through the air in a sinuous arc before she impatiently jabbed at it, shoving it behind her ear.
“I must beg a favor,” he said. It was true, actually, although that did not quite explain the relief he felt when she brought her mount back to his side.
“Of course,” she said.
“I need to write a short letter. To the duke.” He cleared his throat. It was difficult to guess just how long it would take before that rolled off his tongue. “Will you be my messenger?”
“Yes, but I would be happy just to pass along a message. So you don’t have to go to the trouble of…” Her hand worked awkwardly through the air. “Well, to the trouble of writing it, I suppose.”
“If you pass along my words, they will know you have seen me.”
Her lips parted but she did not reply.
“You have your reputation to consider,” he said quietly.
She swallowed, and he knew what she was thinking. They had never had to worry about her reputation before.
“Of course,” she said, her voice clipped.
“Will you meet me right here?” he asked. “Just after sundown.”
“No.”
He blinked in surprise.
“You might be late, and I don’t wish to wait for you on a public road.”
“I won’t be late,” he told her.
“I will meet you at the gazebo.”
“There is a gazebo?”
“Mrs. Audley showed it to me earlier.” She explained to him how to get there, then added, “It is not far from the house. But you won’t be seen, if that is your concern.”
He nodded. “Thank you. I appreciate your assistance.”
She rode away then, and he waited, watching her as she grew smaller and smaller in the distance. He waited until she went around the slight curve in the drive, taking her out of his vision. And then he waited some more.
And then, finally, when he knew in his heart that she’d got down from her horse and made her way inside, he turned and rode off.
But not until then.