“You’re going to kill yourself if you push much harder,” Lou said as I struggled to cross the room.
“Over thinking is more… dangerous… than pushing myself.”
My knee gave way and Lou jumped to my aid. I saw the quick movement, the hand coming and ducked instinctively. Down I went. “Damn it, Lou… you can’t move like… that around me yet.” He offered me a hand up. “No, don’t. I have to do it myself.”
“Who says? In case you didn’t notice you have a broken collarbone and if you fall on it wrong you’ll be back in bed again.”
“Rusty’s taking me home, to … the ranch, in a few weeks…. I need to be strong enough to ride.”
“Riding is easier than walking.”
“Not the way I do it.”
“I should have known. Do you do anything the easy way? If you survive your trip to the ranch, I’d like you to track again.”
“Really? What happened … change your mind?”
“You. You deserve a place on the team and have proven yourself as a tracker and a scout. You’re clearly not staying out of trouble on your own. So there’s no reason to hold you back. Plus, the guys are driving me nuts. Victor and Landon are getting some much needed practice but they really miss you and, I have to admit, I do too.”
“Big tough search commanders aren’t supposed… to get soft like that.”
I started back across the room. I hadn’t realized how close a call I’d had until I tried to walk. During my first attempt, in a physical therapy session that I thought was unneeded and unwanted, I couldn’t even stand erect. My balance was so off I listed to the side. I needed to retrain my brain a little bit. After building up strength and practicing for hours with parallel bars for support I was able to maintain a standing position and eventually walk short distances.
When the hospital finally turned me loose and I was able to go home I thought I’d be happy, snug and warm. I looked forward to my own soft bed and being able to eat anything I wanted any time I wanted. Rusty surprised me by asking what he could do to make the house feel safe again. Stern’s gone, what’s not safe about our home, I thought. But as I lay in bed next to Rusty I could only picture Stern standing there, sneering at me. That first night I couldn’t sleep and turned my back to the dresser. I crept closer and closer to Rusty, needing his touch. I hid in his arms but I couldn’t lie on that side for long because of my shoulder. We finally switched sides of the bed, but then we couldn’t sleep because everything felt backwards to us. Unable to sleep and with no energy to get out of bed we naturally started touching. At first it was comforting and playful. He was gentle, aware I didn’t have much energy and knowing it could hurt. He allowed me to progress at my own speed and everything appeared to be going fine until he moved over me, entering me. Seeing the male face moving so close, the stimulation of sex, increased the conditioned response and flashbacks took over. I cowered and cried. I didn’t want this to happen, but I couldn’t help it! He backed off.
“It’s okay, babe, don’t worry. Shh, I knew this could happen. I’m sorry I pushed you. Here’s where we get creative. Hush, come on, it’s just me.” He spoke quietly so he wouldn’t intimidate me and started again, from the beginning. Then he unexpectedly stopped. “Come here,” he said, coaxing me out of bed. He led me to the den where he lit a very fake looking fire in our gas fireplace. He laid a blanket on the floor and drew me down onto it, then started from the beginning. “We’re back at the cabin,” he whispered. “Can you feel the fire? Can you hear the loons? We just had dinner and it’s too dark out to go anywhere. It’s just us.” A few touches. “Mmm, I love you so much. I want this to be good for you. Just relax. Feel the fire?” I closed my eyes trying to take pleasure in his touch. Just feel, Cass, don’t think. Listen, it’s Rusty. Rusty’s magic fingers, playing, teasing, oh man, okay. Touching, touching, mmm, yeah. Then a finger inside and the thumb, rubbing, rubbing. Come on, Rusty, come here. Please, come here. Oh! He waited until I was just on the edge and then he twisted around and lifted me and before I knew it I was on top. I wanted to be touched so badly! “You’re in control, babe. Now I can see you. I love looking at you. You look so good in the firelight.”
I didn’t look good. Though the swelling had gone down and my appearance was returning to normal, I looked awful. I was also developing an attitude. There was one thing that I would defend with every fiber of my being. I refused to allow Stern to come between Rusty and me. We had a need, both emotionally and physically, to be close, to reach beyond everyday sex and grasp at life, pure, simple and free. Teague Stern was not going to steal that from me. I drove Stern from my thoughts and reached for Rusty, reveling in those shivery, tantalizing sensations that drove my body crazy. It was a struggle. Pain and joy mingled. Flashbacks threatened and Rusty excited me, fueling a night I would never forget. I longed for the culmination, the climax, that would tell me Stern had not won, but to win the battle required action on my part. Rusty watched eagerly and touched a little too gently. More! Rusty more! My breathing quickened as I gasped with gentle moans. All of a sudden I climaxed, my back arched and I grabbed hold of his arms for balance. I moved, up and down, up and down on top of him as he thrust inside me, driving my climax to new heights. Just when I thought I couldn’t keep it up anymore, when I thought I was going to collapse in a heap on top of him, Rusty suddenly came inside me. It was the culmination of physical ecstasy and emotional triumph blending until, at last, total exhaustion forced us both to stop. With the blanket beneath us, we lay on the floor in a wet, tangled heap. He held me close worried he’d pushed too hard, too fast.
“It’s okay,” I cried into his shoulder. “It’s a good cry… just stay with me…. Don’t go away.”
“I won’t, where would I go? Only to you, shh, babe, only to you.”
The next day the doorbell rang and I peeked out, still wary of visitors at the house. It was Landon. I heard a loud woof on the other side of the door and opened it wide. Shadow bounded into the house nearly knocking me over.
“Whoa boy, gentle, be gentle,” Landon said, but it was no use. He hadn’t used a commanding voice, or words Shadow understood. “I didn’t know what you usually fed him,” he began.
“Thank you.”
“But I fed him grocery store dog food. I hope that’s okay.”
It wasn’t what Shadow usually ate but I couldn’t complain. I threw my good arm around Shadow’s neck, but he squirmed loose. He didn’t like to feel confined.
“Landon, how... can I thank you? You saved him... from the pound. They would have kept... him for me, but it would have been...” memories of the pit threatened, “as bad as Stern’s barn... to him.”
“My landlord wasn’t happy, but I told him it would only be for a few days.”
He was back. Shadow was back. I’d wondered if either one of us would survive that adventure and here we were together again.
“Cassidy? Are you okay?” Landon asked.
“Yes,” I sniffed. “I’m okay. I’m more okay now... than I was before. Thank you... for bringing him back.... I don’t know what... I’d do without him.”
After Shadow explored every nook and cranny of the house and confirmed that Rusty was all right, too, he came back and curled up at my feet. I painfully lowered myself to floor level where I could reach out and pet him. Landon watched us for a minute before he unexpectedly excused himself.
“Do you... have to go?” I asked, “Tell me about the calls... I miss work...”
“Cassidy... no, not yet. Just let me leave here seeing you and Shadow like this. That’s the best thank you I could get. You know, I’d never experienced the devotion of a dog before. He waited by my front door all day, every day. When I came home he would follow me around for a little while. He’d eat if I fed him, but then he would always go back to the front door. He was just waiting. Waiting for you. That’s why I’m here. To show him he wasn’t waiting in vain.”
He got up to leave but then he turned around.
“I guess we’re all like Shadow. When something happens to you, we wait. We know you’ll be back, because you always come back.” He walked over and offered me a hand up, then clasped me in a gentle hug, careful of my shoulder. “You just keep doing that, okay?”
“O... kay,” I answered.
“I’m going to steal a cookie,” he declared walking into the kitchen. I heard the sound of the cookie jar lid being lifted, the dry sound of cookies being sorted. He then reappeared examining the cookie for nuts and gave me a quick wave before walking out the front door. It would be a long time before I would be seeing Landon again. I had to work my way back to the call list and that would take patience, time and hard work.
We decided to rearrange the furniture in our bedroom so the dresser would be less visible from the bed. We moved the coffee table to the den temporarily. After Shadow came home, I spent several days trying to brush him out before giving up and calling a groomer. Rusty went to work and I attempted to become more active by learning to weed and cook one handed. At times I was able to manage and then there were times when the process of doing simple activities eluded me. Finally it was time to pack for the ranch but even that proved to be difficult.
“Rusty, why is my brain… so fuddled? What happened to me? I can’t even decide what… to take to the ranch.”
“It doesn’t matter. The doctors have a name for it but what’s important is that it’ll get better with time.”
“What if I… can’t track anymore?”
“That would be very sad, but it’s such a part of you, I don’t think you’d lose that ability very easily. Go out back. See if the deer have visited. See if you can find Shadow’s tracks. I bet you can.”
I was too fearful to find out because at the moment nothing felt natural to me anymore. I had to think about everything I did.
The trip to the ranch was exhausting. I tried to be cheerful when we arrived but I also quickly escaped to my room and fell into a deep sleep, awaking later to the dinner bell. I couldn’t eat and only picked at my food. My mother looked on, concerned. The table grew very quiet.
“So, what kind of trouble have you gotten yourself into since the wedding?” Randy asked, attempting to lighten the mood.
I tried to form a response but my thoughts and emotions got all jumbled up until all I could do was flee. I pushed my chair back in such a rush it fell over with a bang. I set it up right and left a very surprised family behind me as I fled the house. I made my way down to the barn and looked in on Shasta, the quarter horse I’d had since I was a teenager. His big head swung my way in recognition. With my emotions all a jumble I ducked in fear, then kicked myself for letting my reactions get the better of me again. I walked from stall to stall and each time a horse poked its head out at me I’d jump back, duck or flinch. Returning to Shasta’s stall I tried petting him one handed. I’d learned very early that the horses never demanded an explanation when things weren’t right. They accepted me with all my flaws and hang-ups. It was easy to turn to them when I needed a little distance from people.
I used the wall of the stall as a ladder and when I reached the top it was high enough for me to reach over with a leg and slide carefully onto Shasta’s back, then I lifted the chain holding the door closed and eased my horse forward. The gate swung slowly open. It generally wasn’t wise to ride without a saddle or bridle but I wouldn’t have been able to lift the saddle and bridle high enough. After giving him a gentle kick with my heels he moved forward and I kept him moving until we were out of the barn, then I let him wander. He saw activity at the house and since his trainer, Randy, was there he trotted up to the porch. As I bounced up on horseback my mom took one look at us and frowned.
“Cassidy, what is wrong with you? You barely said, ‘Hi, good to see you.’ when you arrived and you didn’t eat dinner. You’ve barely spoken three words. Now here you are riding with no control whatsoever. All this is not like you at all!”
Steve, Randy, Martha and Mom all stood there like a firing squad and I was doomed. Dad and Rusty came out the front door. I gave Shasta a kick and he startled forward and then turned. I kicked him again, needing to go anywhere to avoid the inevitable trouble magnet story. I should have known better.
“Steve, put a saddle and bridle on that horse before she kills herself,” my dad boomed.
Steve started walking toward Shasta and I gave the horse another kick but Steve whistled and Shasta immediately obeyed his trainer. Steve caught him easily and walked us back to the barn. At least it was Steve, I thought. If there was a ranch hand I could talk to, it was him.
“Cassidy, your mom’s right, something’s wrong.” I slid off Shasta and tried to make a run for it but it didn’t work. I was too emotional to do two things at once. “Hold up, kid, you’re not going anywhere until I get to the bottom of this.” We walked into the barn and he confronted me. “Do you really want to ride or is this a way to escape?”
It felt as though I was back in the hospital again, trying to form sentences.
“Steve… I can’t… I can’t talk… I try but it gets stuck.”
He gave me a strange expression, put Shasta in his stall then turned and asked, “Okay, why?”
“I… I… was in hospital. I got beat up. Stern… Stern did it.”
“When?”
“I… I don’t know… I’ve been awake three weeks.”
“What do you mean, awake?”
“I… don’t know. Steve, I lose words…. When I get emotional. Or need my brain for physical… I lose words.”
“Because you were beaten up?”
“Rusty brought me… to find peace… to ride, get my balance… I just need peace.”
“Oh, kid, the troubles you’ve seen,” he said sadly and reached out to hug me but I flinched away.
“I’m sorry!” I cried, “Try again.”
He wrapped me in a hug. “I’ll talk to your mom and dad. You don’t need to try and do this again. Maybe it’ll come out more naturally if you can relax.”
“Steve? I’m scared…. What if I can’t track?”
“Of course you can track. If you can eat, you can track.”
“Took me… while to eat. Steve, one more… no, two more.”
“What’s that?”
“Don’t make Rusty… tell it.”
“And?”
“Can’t use my… left arm… collar bone broke. Saddle and bridle… can’t do it. Think I can ride.”
“Okay, kid, you need anything, just holler.”
He brought me around the side of the barn and drew a big X with the toe of his boot.
“I’m going to go talk to your folks. I’ll leave a nice clear trail and when you get to the end of it you’ll know if you can track. I won’t hide my tracks, but I won’t make them obvious either. You’ll see. You can track. Give me a few minutes head start.”
He started out but I had no concept of how much time had gone by. I waited and waited then started tracking when I got tired of just standing around. Cowboy boots aren’t difficult to track. They usually leave a good heel print and so I was able to follow Steve’s trail fairly easily and arrived at the ranch house rather pleased with myself. I found Rusty, but he looked at me with concern.
“I can track Steve,” I announced in a whole, complete sentence. It was short but it was there.
“Why’d Steve rush in here to talk to your mom and dad so fast?”
“I told him… enough so… they understand. They still… have questions. But… they’ll understand why it’s hard.”
“You were doing really good for a while. What happened?”
“I can do one thing… at a time. Emotions, try to do something physical and I lose words. See? I sit quiet and calm, I can talk.”
“What threw you off?”
“I can’t talk about the… beating without flashbacks… then my emotions… go haywire and my words disappear.”
“You told him you were beaten?”
“Barely. I could hardly get it out.”
Things became a little tense for a while. My mom didn’t know how to talk to me. She wanted to know more but she was afraid to ask.
“You should have called,” she said.
“I couldn’t... call,” I countered.
“Then Rusty should have....”
“He was... with me. Mom... he sticks with me every minute.”
“A parent needs to know these things,” she said. “If you had kids you’d understand.”
“I know, Mom... but at first I couldn’t... and then... to tell it... I couldn’t... just remembering... makes it all come back... Maybe that’s why... Rusty didn’t push... me to call... He knows... what I see... I just want... to be normal. And you see... now... what happened.”
There isn’t a whole lot a parent can do when their kid insists on doing things on their own. Sometimes they just have to hope they raised them smart enough and tough enough to make it through. She decided it wouldn’t do any good to push the matter. She had made her point and things calmed down a little bit.
“Mom, I’ll talk… just have patience. I talk better when I’m calm… But I’ll try to talk about anything.”
“I have to admit, this isn’t as bad as Steve made it sound.”
“I was very emotional... when I talked to Steve. Emotions will wipe out my words really fast.”
“You’ve got a broken collarbone?”
“Yeah, it should be in a sling, but… But I had my arms tied down for two weeks and I refuse to use one. I just try not to use it.”
“Can you try on clothes?”
“You want to go shopping?”
“Yeah, there’s this dress that I think might be perfect for you.”
“Why do you only find dresses?”
“I don’t know. I like them, even though I never wear them. They make a girl feel pretty.”
“I might need some help with my left arm. I do wear dresses on dates with Rusty.”
“Is Rusty good to you?”
“Oh yeah, he’s so good for me, Mom, nobody else could… could put up with the… things I go through. See, there goes my words. As soon as I get emotional.”
Shopping seemed to relax us a bit, although trying to talk while walking and struggling to get into outfits was hard. Mom explained to Jesse what to expect so Jesse slowed down, listened carefully, and kept her questions nice and general. Patrick, however, didn’t know any better.
“Aunt Cassidy? Why are you talking weird?” he asked.
“Something bad happened to me… and it hurt my brain,” I answered.
“What happened?”
“Patrick, leave Cassidy alone,” Jesse interrupted.
“A bad man beat me up.”
“How does that hurt your brain?”
“I… don’t know, Pat…. It just does… if it’s bad enough.”
We had a very successful shopping trip, which is a good thing when you are shopping with my mother because she makes up for lost time and buys everything. This also makes me very careful about what I choose to really like. She loves to shop and has enough money to buy whatever she wants, but I’ve always been careful to not take advantage of her generosity. We bought the dress and several sweaters.
“Woo hoo, Casssssidyyyy, you’re buying boyfriend sweaters for Rusty?”
“Boyfriend sweaters?” I’d never heard the term.
“You know, sweaters meant to attract a boyfriend.”
“Did I? I just… thought they were cute.”
“Oh yeah? You watch Rusty and you’ll know what kind of sweaters you bought! That reminds me, we can finish scrapbooking your honeymoon photos if you want to. There’s only about four more pages to go.”
“Sounds like fun… what did you do… with the boyfriend photos?”
“I think you’ll like it. I’ll show you when you come over.”
At the rate we were going I’d be shopping and scrapbooking until it was time to head back home. I really needed to be working on my riding and tracking. The combination of talking while trying on clothes, and walking around a busy mall was very wearing. Mom could tell it was taking its toll on me, so we called it a day after lunch and returned to the ranch.
When we got home Jesse dug around in my shopping bag and pulled out a deep green sweater.
“You put this on for dinner and you’ll see what kind of a sweater this is.”
I found Rusty talking with my dad.
“I need… a rest. I’m going to nap.”
Rusty followed me upstairs and sat with me while I put my things away.
“Do I get to see the dress for dinner tonight?”
“Nope, Jesse insists... you have to see the green sweater first. I’ll wear the dress for Thanksgiving.” Oh, no! Duh me! If Thanksgiving was coming, it was now November and I’d missed most of the month! “Rusty! I… I missed… I’m sorry.”
“Hey, hold up. Calm down and you’ll talk better. Come on,” he said, rubbing my shoulders gently. “What’s so important that you missed?”
“I missed… your birthday… I didn’t mean to… I even have a plan… I just couldn’t do it.”
“My birthday? My birthday means that much to you?”
“Of course!”
“Babe, you were unconscious on my birthday. And you did give me a present. Lie down and let me tell you about it.” Once I was comfortably settled he laid down and scooted close to me. “I’d been at the hospital since they brought you in. I was afraid to leave. You were right on the edge at that point. Nobody could tell me anything. The doctors weren’t committing to any prognosis yet. They didn’t want to get my hopes up. You were having a rough time of it. You would stir a little, but then as soon as I got a glimpse, a flicker of hope, it seemed like something closed in and you’d fight it. Kelly came to the hospital and insisted I needed a break. He wanted to take me out. I couldn’t, though, I couldn’t leave you. We sat for a long time talking. Then Landon came to see you and Kelly told him about my birthday. I hadn’t even noticed it was my birthday. Landon said he’d stay with you and he’d call if anything happened. They insisted, even if it was only an hour, that I had to get away. I asked Kelly if we could stop by the station to pick up a few things. I turned on my computer, logged in and was going to download my email and gather up a few files. I was sitting there trying to think of what I needed but I couldn’t focus on work. I tried, but it was no use. All of a sudden Kelly goes, ‘Rusty look!’ and when I looked up, there on my computer screen in bright, colorful letters was ‘I Love You’. It was only there for a few seconds and then the picture changed to a photo of you and Shasta in the barn. It was like you were reaching right out through the monitor, and just like at the hospital I only got a few seconds here and maybe a glimpse there.” He paused, attempting to keep his emotions in check before continuing. “I couldn’t stay away. We picked up a pizza and went back to the hospital and shared it with Landon. I felt better for being there. So you see, you did give me something on my birthday, a little ray of sunshine and just a little bit of hope.”
“Kelly was there for your birthday?”
“Yeah, he spent the evening with me in your room.”
“I don’t know what day it was, but the first time I heard your voice you were with Kelly. The lines still pop into my head and I don’t know why. You said, ‘He’s broken her, Kelly, what if her mind’s gone?’ and Kelly said, ‘You can’t think like that.’ And …”
“Cass stop, please stop!” he said, clearly bothered by what I’d heard. “I didn’t know you could hear me.”
“I didn’t know either…and you said, ‘I can’t even get near her… She fights anything’… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to fight you. I spent ages in flashbacks.”
“Hush, I know. I know. How do you remember that?”
“I… just do… but in a way it helped… my first thoughts… that I knew were thoughts… were in response to those words. I told myself I was not broken… I was going to beat this… and… and I’m still trying. I’ll have your birthday present finished a few days after we get home.”
“I’ve got all the birthday present I need. Right here. My little fighter.”