11

HEALING EMOTIONAL WOUNDS FROM YOUR PAST

“We must learn how to resolve past problems or our hurt will keep building up as we continue to withdraw from life.”

Dan and Cindy were a fine young Christian couple who were preparing for ministry on the mission field. Then tragedy struck. Cindy was raped, and the event tore the couple up inside. The shock was so severe that they moved to another town. As hard as she tried to get back to normal life, Cindy couldn’t shake the horrible memories and feelings from her experience.

Six months after the rape, Dan and Cindy attended a church conference where I (Neil) was speaking. During the conference, Cindy called me in tears. “Neil, I just can’t get over this thing. I know God can turn everything into good, but how is He going to do that? Every time I think about what happened I start to cry.”

“Wait a minute, Cindy,” I said. “You’ve misunderstood something. God will work everything out for good, but He doesn’t make a bad thing good. What happened to you was very bad. God’s good thing is to show you how you can walk through your crisis and come out of it a better person.”

“But I just can’t separate myself from my experience,” she sobbed. “I’ve been raped, Neil, and I’ll be a victim of that all my life.”

“No, Cindy,” I insisted. “The rape happened to you, but it hasn’t changed who you are, nor does it have to control you. You were the victim of a terrible, ugly tragedy. But if you only see yourself as a rape victim for the rest of your life, you will never get over your tragedy. You’re a child of God. No event or person, good or bad, can rob you of that.”

Cindy got a grip on the truth that Jesus Christ, not her past hurts, determines her identity. She and Dan are serving the Lord today.

BAD THINGS DO HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE

All of us have a number of hurtful, upsetting experiences in our past that have scarred us emotionally. You may have been physically, emotionally or sexually abused by a family member. You may have been severely frightened as a child. You may have suffered through a painful relationship: a broken friendship, the sudden death of someone special to you, the divorce of your parents. One or more shocking, hurtful events may have caused deep inner pain that has hindered your growth as a Christian.

Unlike our day-to-day emotions that vary according to how we think, the pain from past hurts is always there. Certain topics can trigger these hurts and cause a strong emotional reaction. For example, you may have felt something when you read Cindy’s story at the start of this chapter. If you or a close friend have been raped, just the mention of rape may have sparked anger, hatred or fear in you. However, if you have only read about rape victims but never been one or known one, your emotional response may have been very low.

Even something as simple as a name can prompt an emotional reaction. If your kind, loving grandfather is (or was) named Bill, you probably have a good feeling toward other men named Bill. But if as a child you had a neighbor named Bill who frightened you or abused you, you may not feel so good about other men you meet named Bill.

Let’s call these long-term feelings, which hide deep inside us, primary emotions. The power of our primary emotions is determined by our past experiences. The more shocking and painful the experience was, the stronger will be our primary emotion.

Many of our primary emotions lie hidden within us and have very little effect on our lives until something comes along to trigger them. Have you ever brought up a topic of conversation that upset someone and sent him storming out of the room? What set him off? you wondered. He was set off by a bad experience in his past that was triggered by your topic. The trigger can be anything in the present that links a person with his past conflict.

Most people try to control their primary emotions by avoiding the people or events that trigger them. But we can’t cut ourselves off completely from everything that may set off negative feelings. We are bound to see something on TV or hear something in a conversation that will bring to mind an unpleasant experience. We must learn how to resolve past problems or our hurt will keep building up as we continue to withdraw from life.

LEARNING TO RESOLVE PRIMARY EMOTIONS

We have no control over a primary emotion when it is triggered. It doesn’t do any good to feel guilty about something we have no control over. But we can take a close look at the situation to bring it under control.

For example, suppose you meet a man named Bill. He looks a little like the Bill who abused you as a child. Even though he’s not the same person, you have strong feelings of fear or dislike for him. But you quickly remind yourself that this is not the same Bill. And when you begin to think properly about Bill, your negative emotion will be transformed into a more positive one. This is how we get a grip on reality when negative emotions from past experiences try to rule our daily lives.

You have used this process lots of times and also helped others do it. Someone gets ticked off, so you get in his face and tell him to cool down and get real. You are helping that person gain control of himself by making him think. Notice how this works the next time you watch a football game and tempers explode on the field. One player grabs an angry teammate and says, “Listen, Meathead, you’re going to cost us a 15-yard penalty and perhaps the game if you don’t simmer down.” Later the player will see the conflict in perspective and even feel a little silly about it.

Most people we counsel have had serious hurts in the past. Some have experienced such abuse that they have no conscious memory of their experiences. Others avoid any people or experiences that will bring back those bad memories. Some who remember but don’t want to deal with it act like it never happened. Others try to cover over the pain with food, drugs or sex.

This is not God’s way. God does everything in the light. He knows best when to bring past problems into the light to be dealt with. God also allows each person to grow in his Christian life to the point where he is able to face the past. And if God doesn’t reveal a painful memory, there’s a good reason for it. We have prayed with many people that God would reveal anything in the past that is keeping them in bondage to their pain—and God has answered those prayers in His time.

Psalm 139:23-24 reads, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” God knows about the hidden hurts within you that you may not be able to see. When you ask God to search your heart, He will show you those dark areas of your past and bring them to light at the right time.

SEE YOUR PAST IN THE LIGHT OF WHO YOU ARE

So, how does God want us to resolve these past experiences? In two ways. First, we have the privilege of looking at them in the light of who we are now as opposed to who we were then. Refuse to believe that you are a slave to your past experiences. As a Christian, you are the product of the work of Christ on the cross. You are literally a new creature in Christ (see 2 Corinthians 5:17). Old things, including the shocking pain of past experiences, are passed away. The old you is gone; the new you is here. The way you handled those experiences without Christ may still be programmed in your memory, but you are now free to respond in a new way in Christ.

People who have been hurt in the past have their emotions stuck up near the ceiling. When a present event sparks that primary emotion, they believe what they feel instead of believing what is true. For example, people who have been verbally abused by their parents have a hard time believing they are completely loved by Father God. Their primary emotions argue that they are unloved by their parent. If they have been told all their lives that they will never amount to anything, they find it hard to believe that they are loved and valued by God. They believe what they feel and their walk is off course.

Now that you are in Christ, you can look at those events from the perspective of who you are today. You may be struggling with the question, “Where was God when all this was going on?” He was there as others hurt you or as you made some bad choices. But don’t worry about what was going on then. The truth is, He is in your life right now desiring to set you free from your past. You can’t fix your past, but you can be free from it. Seeing past events through your new identity in Christ is what starts the process of healing those damaged emotions.

FORGIVE THOSE WHO HAVE HURT YOU IN THE PAST

The second step in resolving past problems is to forgive those who have hurt you. After encouraging Cindy to see her rape in light of who she is in Christ, I (Neil) said, “Cindy, you also need to forgive the man who raped you.” Cindy’s response was typical of many believers who have suffered physical, sexual or emotional pain at the hands of others: “How can I forgive him? What he did was wrong.”

Perhaps you have asked the same question. Why should you forgive those who have hurt you in the past?

First, forgiveness is required by God. As soon as Jesus spoke the amen to His model prayer—which included a request for God’s forgiveness—He commented, “If you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:14-15). We must base our relationships with others on the same standard on which God bases His relationship with us: love, acceptance and forgiveness (see Matthew 18:21-35).

Second, forgiveness is necessary to avoid being trapped by Satan. Unforgiveness is a primary means Satan uses to gain entrance to believers’ lives. Paul encouraged people to forgive each other “in order that no advantage be taken of us by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his schemes” (2 Corinthians 2:11). Unforgiveness is an open invitation to Satan’s bondage in our lives.

Third, forgiveness is to be the normal way of life for all Christians. Paul wrote, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

What Is Forgiveness?

In order to understand what forgiveness is, we must first see what it is not.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. People who try to forgive by forgetting hurts they have suffered usually fail to do both. The Bible says that God will not remember our sins (see Hebrews 10:17). But God knows everything, so He can’t forget. What it means is that God will not bring up our past sins and use them against us (see Psalm 103:12). It is possible to forgive without forgetting.

Forgiveness does not mean that you must put up with someone’s sin. Beth, a college girl, came to me (Dave) in tears, explaining that her mother continued to abuse her verbally and control her as she had during childhood. Beth had no desire to forgive her mother since she fully expected to be hurt again and again. “Am I supposed to let her keep ruining my life?” Beth demanded.

No, forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you must be a doormat to his or her continual sin. I encouraged Beth to lovingly but firmly tell her mother that she would no longer tolerate verbal abuse and manipulation. It’s okay to forgive another’s past sins and, at the same time, take a stand against future sins. (If you are living in an abusive situation, ask your pastor how you can set scriptural boundaries to protect yourself from further abuse.)

Forgiveness does not demand revenge or repayment for hurts suffered. “You mean I’m just supposed to let them off the hook?” you may argue. Yes, you let them off your hook, realizing that God does not let them off His hook. God is the just Judge who will make everything right in the end (see Romans 12:19).

So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness means deciding to live with the consequences of another person’s sin. In reality, you will have to live with the consequences of his sin whether you forgive him or not. For example, imagine that someone in your youth group comes to you and says, “I have gossiped about you. Will you forgive me?” He can’t take back gossip any easier than you can put toothpaste back into the tube. You’re going to live with the gossip this person spread about you no matter how you respond to the gossiper.

You can either choose to live in bitterness and unforgiveness or in peace and forgiveness by deciding not to hold the offense against him. The latter, of course, is God’s way.

Twelve Steps to Forgiveness

You may say, “I can’t forgive this person because he hurt me so badly.” Yes, the pain is real. Nobody has really forgiven someone without admitting the hurt and the hatred involved. But until you forgive that person, he will continue to hurt you because you have not released yourself from the past. Forgiveness is the only way to stop the pain.

Here are 12 steps you can use to walk through the process of forgiving someone who has hurt you. Following these steps will help you unchain yourself from the past and get on with your life:

1.   Write on a sheet of paper the names of the persons who hurt you. Describe in writing the specific wrongs you suffered. For example: rejection, gossip, lack of love, unfairness, physical, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse or hatred. Ask the Lord to reveal to your mind specifically who you need to forgive from your heart. Some names may come to your mind that surprise you or that you have forgotten. Of the hundreds of people who have completed this list, 95 percent put father and mother as the first two. Three out of the first four names on most lists are close relatives. The two most overlooked people for these lists are God and yourself. God doesn’t need to be forgiven, but we sometimes hold false expectations of God that lead us to anger or bitterness toward Him. We need to be released from those expectations and feelings we have of God. We also need to forgive ourselves for weaknesses and sins that God has long since forgiven.

2.   Face the hurt and the hate. Write down how you feel about these people and their offenses. Remember: It is not a sin to admit the reality of your emotions. God knows exactly how you feel, whether you admit it or not. If you bury your feelings you will bypass the possibility of forgiveness. You must forgive from your heart.

3.   Realize that the cross of Christ makes forgiveness possible, fair and right. Jesus took upon Himself all the sins of the world—including yours and those of the persons who have offended you—and He died “once for all” (Hebrews 10:10).

4.   Decide that you will bear the burden of each person’s sin (see Galatians 6:1-2). This means that you will not strike back at the person in the future by using the information about his sin against him (see Proverbs 17:9; Luke 6:27-34). We are to take the burden of offenses against us just as Christ took the burden of our sins.

5.   Decide to forgive. Forgiveness is an act of the will, a conscious choice to let the other person off the hook and free yourself from the past. You may not feel like making this decision, but since God tells you to, you can choose to forgive. The other person may truly be in the wrong and in need of discipline or correction, but your responsibility is to let him off your hook. Make that decision now; your feelings of forgiveness will follow in time. You will gain your freedom by forgiving. If you don’t forgive, you will be bound to that person.

6.   Take your list to God and pray the following: “I forgive [name] for [list the offenses].” Let God bring to the surface every remembered pain. Stay with that person until every rejection, injustice, abuse, betrayal or neglect is specifically identified. Then go on to the next person. If you have felt bitter toward this person for some time, you may want to find a Christian counselor or trusted friend who will pray with you about it (see James 5:16).

7.   Destroy the list. You are now free. Do not tell the offenders what you have done. Your forgiveness is between you and God only! The person you may need to forgive could be dead, such as a grandparent who abused you. It doesn’t matter. You still need to forgive.

8.   Do not expect that your decision to forgive will result in major changes in the other persons. Instead, pray for them (see Matthew 5:44) so that they too may find the freedom of forgiveness (see Galatians 5:1,13-14).

9.   Try to understand the people you have forgiven. They are victims also.

10.   Expect positive results of forgiveness in you. In time you will be able to think about the people who offended you without feeling hurt, anger or resentment. In many cases your forgiveness may result in your relationship being restored. In some cases that may not happen if they don’t want the relationship restored.

11.   Thank God for the lessons you have learned and the maturity you have gained as a result of your decision to forgive the offenders (see Romans 8:28-29).

12.   Be sure to accept your part of the blame. Confess your failure to God and to others (see 1 John 1:9). Realize that if someone has something against you, you must go to that person (see Matthew 5:23-26).

Forgive and Be Free

One of the most inspiring stories of forgiveness is that of the late Corrie ten Boom. Corrie was a Christian Dutch woman who was imprisoned, beaten and humiliated in a Nazi concentration camp during World War II. After the war she returned to Germany to preach the good news of God’s forgiveness.

At the close of a service in 1947, Corrie’s message of forgiveness was put to a severe test. As people filed out of the church, one man came forward to talk to her. She recognized him immediately as one of the guards from the prison camp. She thought about his whip and his uniform with the skull and crossbones on the cap. She remembered the shame of walking naked past him with thousands of women prisoners. She remembered her sister’s slow, terrible death there. Her blood seemed to freeze.

Corrie tried to avoid talking to him, hoping he wouldn’t remember her. But he identified himself as a guard at the camp where she had been. He said, “Since that time I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there.” Then he stuck out his hand. “Will you forgive me?”

She stood there with coldness clutching her heart. She did not want to forgive him. She didn’t feel like forgiving him. But she knew forgiveness is an act of the will, not an emotion. “Jesus, help me!” she prayed silently. “I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling.”

Almost mechanically she reached out to grasp his hand. As they joined hands, a healing warmth seemed to flood her whole being, bringing tears to her eyes. “I forgive you, brother!” she cried. “With my whole heart!”

The former guard and the former prisoner grasped each other’s hands for a long moment. Forgiveness had healed the hurts of the past.¹

When we forgive, we throw off the chains of bitterness and start the process of healing those damaged emotions. We are no longer bound by our past. By forgiving and setting the other person free, we find that we have really set ourselves free.

TRUTH ENCOUNTER

1.   Name one area where you need God’s help in dealing with your past. What action(s) do you need to take?

2.   What is forgiveness?

3.   Why isn’t forgiving the same as forgetting?

4.   Will you choose to forgive those who have hurt you? What will happen if you don’t?

Note

1.   Adapted from a tract by Good News Publishers, Westchester, Illinois.