12

DEALING WITH REJECTION IN
YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Everyone knows what it feels like to be criticized and rejected at times, even by the very people in our lives we desperately want to please.

· What experiences and people come to mind when you hear the word “rejection”?

· How do you usually deal with rejection?

· How would you like to be able to deal with rejection?

God Himself rejected us until we were accepted by Him in Christ at salvation (see Romans 15:7). Since then we have been the target of Satan, the accuser, who never stops lying to us about how worthless we are to God and others.

· What role do you think Satan plays to the feelings of rejection you live with? Why would he want you to focus on feelings and experiences of rejection?

In this life we all have to live with the pain and pressure of rejection—but we don’t have to let that pain and pressure cripple us or our growth in Christ.

WHEN YOU ARE CRITICIZED OR REJECTED

We have several options when it comes to dealing with rejection, but unfortunately we all learned early in life to take one of three defensive (and ineffective) positions.

Beat the System. Some people defend themselves against rejection by buying into the dog-eat-dog system and learning to compete and scheme to get ahead.

· Are you dealing with rejection by trying to earn acceptance through your performance? Are you driven to do everything right? Are you unable to let anyone get close to you? Are you worried and stressed out most of the time?

· Even if this isn’t your defensive position of choice, evaluate the effectiveness of this option. Why does or doesn’t it work?

· How can this “beat the system” approach impact a person’s relationship with God?

Beat-the-system controllers are some of the most insecure people you’ll ever meet. And, sadly, their defensive strategy only leads to more rejection. Others soon begin to resent these people for their self-centered living.

Give in to the System. Many people respond to rejection by simply giving in to it. They continue to try to satisfy others, but their failures drive them to believe that they really are unlovable and that being rejected makes sense.

· Where, if at all, are you buying into someone’s false judgment of your worth? Which of the world’s false values lead you to self-condemnation and feelings of inferiority?

· Even if this isn’t your defensive position of choice, evaluate the effectiveness of this option. Why does or doesn’t it work?

· How can this “give in to the system” approach impact a person’s relationship with God?

By giving in to the world’s false judgment, people who accept the world’s standards of worth and realize they don’t measure up can only look forward to more and more rejection. In fact, having bought the world’s lie, they even reject themselves, leading them to question or doubt any acceptance that might come their way.

Rebel Against the System. Rebels and dropouts respond to rejection by saying, “I don’t need you or your love.” Although deep inside they crave acceptance, these people refuse to admit their needs.

· Are you a rebel or a dropout when it comes to dealing with rejection? Do you feel a lot of self-hatred and bitterness and often wish you’d never been born?

· Are you irresponsible and undisciplined, rebelling against everyone and everything despite the fact that you’re hurting yourself by doing so?

· Even if this isn’t your defensive position of choice, evaluate the effectiveness of this option. Why does or doesn’t it work?

· How can this “rebel” approach impact a person’s relationship with God?

The attitude and behavior of people who rebel tend to alienate others and push them to defend the system being rejected. The rebels’ responses to those who reject them breed further rejection.

Defensiveness Is Defenseless. As long as we live on this earth we will experience rejection. How should we respond to it? Should we try to defend ourselves? No—for two reasons.

· First, if you are in the wrong, you don’t have a defense. What happens—as hard as it may be to do—when you simply respond to an accusation with, “You’re right; I was wrong”?

· Second, if you are right, you don’t need a defense. What does Jesus model for you in this regard? (See 1 Peter 2:23.)

If you find yourself responding to rejection defensively, try focusing your attention on those things that will build up and establish your faith.

· What are some specific things—things that can build up your faith—you can think about the next time you feel rejected or unworthy?

The world’s system for determining your value as a person is not what determines your value. Your allegiance is to Christ your Lord, not to the world, and He is the reason you are worthy.

WHEN YOU ARE TEMPTED TO CRITICIZE OR REJECT OTHERS

Rejection is a two-way street: You can receive it and you can give it. We’ve looked at the first. Now let’s look at how to respond to the temptation to tear up others with criticism or rejection.

· What message does God have for you in Romans 14:4 and Philippians 2:3?

· Think about your relationships for a moment. Are you in line with what God’s Word says in Romans 14:4 and Philippians 2:3, or do you tend to attack people’s character rather than taking responsibility for your own?

· Do you tend to be absorbed with your own needs instead of looking out for your friends’ needs?

· What do you need to confess and repent?

Instead of devoting ourselves to developing our own characters and meeting each other’s needs, we often yield to Satan’s prodding to criticize each other and selfishly meet our own needs. We need to practice what God’s Word says if we are to grow up in Christ and glorify Him in our friendships.

Focus on Responsibilities. Satan has deceived us in our relationships by tempting us to focus on our rights instead of on our responsibilities.

· Think about your relationship with your parents. What happens when you focus on your rights?

· What happens when you focus on your responsibility to be an obedient son or daughter? (If you can’t answer this second question, find out!)

· Now think about your relationship with a friend. What happens when you focus on your rights?

· What happens when you focus on your responsibility to be the kind of friend to your friend that you want him or her to be to you? (Yes, that’s a loose paraphrase of the Golden Rule.)

Keep in mind that God is more concerned about how well we fulfill our responsibilities, not whether we receive everything we feel we have coming to us.

Don’t Play the Role of Conscience. Sometimes we may be tempted to play the role of the conscience or even the Holy Spirit in someone else’s life.

· Why is being another person’s conscience sometimes tempting?

· How do you feel when someone plays conscience for you?

Our job as God’s representatives on this planet is to surround people with acceptance and let the Holy Spirit do His job of convicting in His time.

Discipline Yes, Judgment No. We are required by God to confront and restore Christians who have clearly violated Scripture (see Matthew 18:15-16) but we are not allowed to judge their characters.

· How would you react to “You’re a liar,” a statement about your character? To “You just told a lie,” a statement about your behavior? Why would you react differently?

· Do you tend to confront? Judge? Or avoid the issue entirely? What would God have you do—and how?

We must care enough about people to confront their sinful behaviors, but we should never tear down their characters.

Express Your Needs Without Judging. It’s okay to express your needs to others, but it’s important to do so without slamming them in the process.

· How do you respond to a “you” accusation (“You never call.”)?

· How do you respond to an “I” message (“I miss it when you don’t call regularly.’’)?

· Think about your own speech patterns. Which is more common—the “you” accusation or the “I” message? How do people respond to your pattern?

We all have basic human needs to feel loved, accepted and worthwhile. The bases for Satan’s work of temptation in your life are real needs that are not being met.

· What makes it tough for you to express your needs in a proper way?

· What need(s) would you share and allow other people to meet if you were willing to take the risk of stepping out from behind your mask?

· What’s the worst thing that could happen if you took that step of risk? Could you survive?

· What’s the best thing that could happen if you told someone what you really need right now? Is that possible result worth the risk?

By not letting other believers meet our legitimate needs, we are acting independently of God and leave ourselves vulnerable to the world, the flesh and the devil. We are also robbing people of the opportunity to minister to our needs.

· When have you had the opportunity to minister to someone in need?

· What did you feel like when you were able to help? That’s the gift you give when you are open and willing to let someone help you!

God works in our lives through committed Christian relationships. So the next time you’re tempted to find character defects and performance flaws in another believer, ask for the grace of God to see beyond those externals. After all, isn’t that what you want others to do for you?

START STOMPING!

Yikes! Who’s That in the Mirror? What did you learn about yourself from your study of Romans 14:4 and Philippians 2:3? To whom do you need to apologize? Choose one person on your list and do it today! As part of your apology, you may want to let him or her know that you’re learning about what God wants in our relationships with others.

The “I”s Have It. What will you say in the following situations? (Practicing “I” messages just may help one pop out the next time a “you” accusation would fly!)

· At the last minute, your friend once again cancels plans with you to be with his or her girlfriend or boyfriend instead.

· Your mother comments on what you’re wearing as you’re heading out the door and it feels like criticism.

· Your dad focuses on your C+ in math instead of the English grade you worked hard to pull up.

What Have You Got to Lose? It feels pretty good to have God love you through His people, so dive in! Be wise in whom you choose, but find someone to tell about a need you have right now. Get together with the person before seven days go by. And give yourself permission to start the conversation with, “This is really hard for me …” Don’t be surprised when God richly blesses you with warm acceptance and love. That’s just the kind of God He is!

God, You’ve clearly shown me what You want from my relationships with other people—and I’ve seen how easy it is for me to be critical instead of taking responsibility for myself. I’ve also seen how self-centered I can be. Please forgive me—and please change me! Give me, I ask, the grace to not be defensive when I’m rejected, the grace to express my needs without judging the people who are letting me down, and especially the grace to see people as You see them. I guess what I’m saying is “Help me live by Your Golden Rule.” I ask that in Jesus’ name. Amen.

STRENGTH GIVERS

These words are for you and about you! As you read each day’s verse, ask yourself, “How would my life be different if I could live out this truth?”—and ask God to help you do so.

Monday:	Matthew 7:12
Tuesday:	Galatians 6:2
Wednesday:	Ephesians 4:1
Thursday:	Hebrews 3:1
Friday:	1 John 3:11,16