Fear

The very cave you are afraid to enter turns out to be the source of what you are looking for.

—JOSEPH CAMPBELL

LET’S FACE IT—WE LIVE in a fear-based world. Just watching the news is enough to make anyone not want to leave their bed. In a culture where charging hard and being “strong” are highly prized, acknowledging our fears is not a badge of honor. Fear is not an emotion that people want to announce to the world.

But fear, at its best, switches on an innate capacity to react more quickly so we can escape dangerous threats. You could even say it’s because of fear that the human species is here today. So why do we have disdain or even shame about this emotion; why do we tend to reject or suppress not only the fear itself, but the message it is trying to tell us? Doesn’t it deserve some respect, too?

The perception that feeling fear is a weakness undercuts its potential, as fear has always been designed to protect and serve us. When a person feels fear, it doesn’t mean that they are weak or that they are strong—it means that they are tuned in, awake, aware.

There is great resourcefulness available when we acknowledge the fear, see it for what it is, and then take action. It is when we cover up our fears or push them to the back of some dark corner in the mind that they can fester and grow and take on a life of their own.

Because we are all dealing with so many stressors, whether they come from the outside world or from inside our minds, it’s important and even vital to look at this emotion with fresh eyes. As much as we’d like to push them away or simply press delete, these fears are tools that the ego uses to try to keep us safe—they serve a purpose. Fear is an essential signal, warning us to pay attention to our inner messages.

So, given all its bad press and how intense life can be, consider this an opportunity to relearn how to work with this emotion. Imagine if we could use our fear as fuel—we can. Imagine if we could intuitively get the gift that fear offers, and so avoid future situations that could threaten our safety, not to mention our sanity. Fear has much to share. Can we be open enough to take it in? In this chapter, we’ll explore why fear exists, the different types of fear, including some of fear’s paradoxes, and how fear can be your friend. We’ll also look at what happens when fear goes underground and at some useful strategies to make the most of this underappreciated emotion.

Why Fear Exists

Fear is part of our ancestral arsenal. Throughout evolution, the species survived because people were able to tune in to the signals of fear. At its best, fear is an instinctive response to a dangerous situation. Whether it was a predatory animal lurking in the distance, a thunderclap warning of a major storm, or the sight of people fighting in close proximity, these were signals to fight, take flight, or freeze.

We just have to look in the animal kingdom for examples of how different animals react to the fear of danger. Just like humans, it’s fight, flight, or freeze. Tigers, for example, will mark and defend their territory when they feel threatened; they’ll fight when danger approaches. When villagers near Bali’s Mount Agung volcano noticed snakes and monkeys streaming away from the mountain and into the villages, some thought it was a sign that the volcano would erupt soon,1 and it did! The animals, fearing danger, intuitively took flight. When the American possum is frightened, it will freeze, meaning they play dead (“playing possum”). Fight, flight, or freeze. We are not that far from our four-legged friends, who demonstrate that all these responses can be lifesaving in times of danger.

Fear is a powerful emotion. When it surges in, it makes it hard to think about anything else and forces us to focus our full attention on the threat at hand. This emotion commands you into the present moment, so that you can get a sense of where you are in relationship to what you perceive as danger. You become more alert2, your reaction time quickens, and your senses are fully activated so that you can take your next move. The body, in all its brilliance, mobilizes, too. You may experience trembling, rapid heartbeat, or tightness in the chest. All the systems not absolutely necessary for fight, flight, or freeze have been designed to shut down. Even the blood vessels in your gut dial down (which most people know as butterflies in their stomach)3, in order for the blood to be redirected to the outer extremities, like arms and legs. This is so you have the power to quickly make your move if you have to.

Knowing the Faces of Fear

Fear comes in many forms, from mild uneasiness to full-on terror and so many states in between. If we were to look at the spectrum of fear, it would progress from uneasiness, to apprehension, to worry, distress, anxiety, alarm, panic, terror, right up to horror. Fear can also be expressed through emotional states such as self-doubt, feeling isolated, helpless, agitated, jumpy, overwhelmed, insecure, unworthy, excluded, persecuted, or exposed. Quite the range!

 

JOURNAL CHALLENGE

To get to know your fears better, take out your journal and:

•  Pick several words from the paragraph above that you relate to

•  Point to the situations that bring up those feelings

•  Describe a potential shift to move you forward; for example:

TYPE OF FEAR

   

SITUATION

   

SHIFT

Apprehension

   

I had to talk in front of the group and got so nervous I forgot everything.

   

Practice over and over in advance until it feels natural. Now it is something I enjoy.

Not being enough

   

I compare myself to everyone all the time.

   

Explore and appreciate what is unique about me, instead of trying to blend in/seek acceptance from others

Fear is not among the warm and fuzzy feelings we seek, but what we don’t often consider is that this emotion is part of every human experience, and it holds lessons for us if we pay attention. By becoming familiar with our go-to types of fear and some ways to deal with them, we begin to take away their sting. We also develop our own strategies, which can be useful when we want to help others deal with their fears, too. By naming the emotion, we can look at it more objectively, rather than getting swept up into its energy. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this strategy “Name It to Tame It.”

CLASSIC FEARS

Now let’s explore some of the classic fears (noting that anxiety has its own chapter and phobias are beyond the scope of this book). Consider if there is one or maybe a few that stand out for you, and add these to your journal page.

The following are potential thought starters to encounter the fears intellectually and emotionally, as well as some ways to look at them before facing them head-on. This is about taking inventory of your fears and the potential ways you can shift them. The more you know about them, the less they can hold you hostage. See which ones relate to you.

FEAR OF LOSS

1.  The fear includes losing a loved one, like when you love someone so much you can’t imagine life without them. This applies to romantic or family relationships, friends, mentors, even beloved pets.

Shift: Let this fear bring you into the present moment so you value and take advantage of the time you do have together. This can be a powerful perspective adjustment that will help connect you more deeply than you thought possible.

2.  Fear of loss also includes job worries or financial concerns.

Shift: For greater peace of mind, realize that we cannot control all of life, and often we can only see part of the story. But we can derive lessons from every situation we encounter. The fear of financial instability is one of the greatest motivators to move out of our comfort zone and stretch to an expanded version of who we think we can be.

3.  Then there’s the fear of losing opportunities: when you make a decision to take one path, you’ll miss out on what the other could offer (opportunity cost).

Shift: Instead of being on the fence and going into analysis paralysis, there is great relief in making a decision. After that, you are in the game and can course correct as you go along.

4.  You may also think you are running out of time to achieve what you were dreaming of.

Shift: For a happier life, where you don’t drive yourself crazy, substitute appreciation for expectation. Be grateful for the gifts, talents, and life experience you already have, and realize that imposed deadlines are stories that keep us stuck. Life is dynamic—so are you!

FEAR OF CHANGE

5.  Fear of failure: You may be starting a new job, and there is a fear of discomfort—a lot of hard work is involved; are you ready for that?

Shift: Your next step is always your choice. Hard work, tenacity, and caring about what you are doing makes you stand out from the crowd. It will also open doors.

6.  And what if the whole thing doesn’t work?

Shift: Is anything guaranteed in life? It may not work exactly as you planned it, but nothing is ever wasted. When you look back, you’ll recognize how it enriched your life and led you to your next stage. Rather than look at the negative—imagine how you would feel if it did turn out well—step into that.

7.  Maybe you’d like to leave a job or relationship. Will you find something better?

Shift: Check in with yourself to see if your job or relationship supports your values and aspirations. Does it help you live as your best self or can you do something to make it so? If not, life is as big as you can imagine it. Explore opportunities, reach out, and take the first step.

8.  There could be a fear of moving. Will you make friends?

Shift: If you are open to people, they will be open to you. If you greet someone new not with suspicion, but as an old friend, chances are they will respond in kind. Try it for a week and see what you notice.

9.  You may think you’re not a good enough friend, parent … you can fill in the blanks.

Shift: All you have to do is try your best, be present, and put your heart into it. Your heart speaks louder than words.

10.  Let’s not forget fear of success—what happens if everything works out beyond your expectations—will you be able to handle it and will people treat you the same way?

Shift: Number one—you are already successful. Be proud that you are a good person. You deserve to live fully. Self-sabotage is the body’s way of protecting you from something you had been afraid of in the past. If you are taking the next step, it’s because it is your time. Be tender with that as you are now ramping up. The truth is as you shine, you give others permission to do the same.

FEAR OF REJECTION

11.  It is so easy to feel as if you’re “not enough.” Every ad is a reminder to buy something to be “more impressive.” What to do? In your journal, write down a few thoughts that can change your perspective.

Shift: Don’t buy into the hype. There will always be someone more or less (powerful, creative … fill in the blank) than you. It’s not about comparison—it’s about claiming your unique values, passions, and gifts. These are your superpowers; don’t undervalue them or yourself. When you express your inner nature, old fears have no relevance.

12.  It feels dangerous to show any vulnerability. But you can get so tired constantly putting up a mask.

Shift: Masks are exhausting. The strongest people have the courage to be vulnerable and to live fully. It’s about having the confidence to show you are human. The funny thing is that it gives others permission to be real as well.

13.  You may be doing well on the outside but are plagued by insecurity. Imposter syndrome is real.

Shift: Yes, it is! Imposter syndrome describes people who cannot internalize their accomplishments and who are afraid of being discovered to be a fraud. According to research, 70 percent of people have felt this way.4 Realize that your accomplishments do not define your worth. Trust in your overall competence. And practice savoring the small everyday wins. Gratitude for the little things puts the so-called big things in perspective.

14.  You may find it challenging to accept praise or even acknowledge your accomplishments in case others are jealous.

Shift: As long as you know you are doing your best, that’s the greatest acknowledgment. But accepting a sincere compliment is good, too. Learn to say thank you and take in the moment. At the same time, don’t let either praise or criticism go to your head. What matters is not what people say, it’s how much you are connected to your core values.

FEAR OF HARM

15.  If you see life as dangerous and view people as out to take advantage of you, you may shut down emotionally or become numbed out.

Shift: Every relationship teaches us something—whether it is what we value or what doesn’t work. Be discerning, but don’t close yourself off. Embrace the lesson, support yourself, and notice how strong you are getting.

When you send out a vibration of fear of being harmed, you are energetically making that more dominant. Instead, focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. Choose thoughts of being supported and empowered. Remember the people you are there for when they need an ear, and know that they are there for you as well. Spend time with people who remind you how strong you really are.

Reflect on one time that you confronted a daunting situation, and you faced your fear and made it through. That quality is in you still.

FEAR OF DEATH

16. Many people have a strong fear of death, especially if it represents a fear of the unknown, emptiness, the void, or the end. This is a primal fear.

Shift: The prospect of death is never easy. It is unknown territory, except for those who have near-death experiences. This happened to my father, and it brightened his view of death immensely.

Dr. Sam Parnia, author of Erasing Death,5 conducted the largest research study of near-death experiences. All patients reported looking down at their bodies on the operating room table from above (as my father had). They could also make reference to the exact conversations the doctors and nurses were having as they looked at them from above. One might say that these conversations were just hallucinations, but not so, as they were consistently validated by the doctors and nurses who confirmed the details the patients had reported. According to Parnia’s research, “The mind, the self, the thing that makes us who we are [also called the soul] is actually able to continue even though many of them [participants] have reached the point of death.”6

There are religions, including Christianity, Judaism7, and Islam, that believe the soul also exists in other realms, and religions such as Hinduism and Buddhism include reincarnation. Psychotherapist Dr. Brian Weiss makes a strong case for reincarnation as he chronicles multiple past lives in his classic book Many Lives, Many Masters. Everyone will determine their own interpretation of what happens after death—it is highly personal.

But even scientific evidence is now revealing that the death of the body is not necessarily the end of the line. The words of Albert Einstein concur: “Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.” Some people report feeling the energy of their loved ones nearby, even after they have passed. In many ways this is a comforting way of looking at the world.

With that in mind, then why is death so harrowing? We generally tend to think of death as a traumatic experience. But what if dying was not as terrifying as we might think? Recent research from Kurt Gray, associate professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, reports, “When we imagine our emotions as we approach death, we think mostly of sadness and terror. But it turns out, dying is less sad and terrifying—and happier—than you think.”8 He compared blogs from people who were dying of cancer with blogs from healthy people challenged to imagine they had just a few months to live. You’d expect the terminally ill group to be full of doom and gloom, but this group actually used more positive words like “happiness” and “love” (and fewer words like “anxiety” and “terror”) than the group imagining their deaths. The real terminal patients had come to feel a greater gratitude and peace for their life, perhaps because they knew it was waning.

Some strategies to deal with the fear of death include this challenge: If you made the choice to live this year as if it were your last, who would you reach out to, and what would you choose to do? Make a bucket list and intentionally fill your time with positive experiences. When you are designing your days to include meaningful activities, life satisfaction rises, and the fear of death is far less likely to be as dominant in your mind.

A gratitude journal also helps to emphasize the preciousness of each day. Even little graces, conversations, and observations take on greater magnitude when one becomes aware of the impermanence of life.

On a more practical side, those who put their affairs in order are often less afraid to die, as they know that even if anything unexpected happens, their wishes will be honored.

The fear of death is an invitation to control what we can, explore a spiritual or philosophical foundation that resonates, and then choose on a daily basis to live and love fully. Even the fear of death cannot engulf us when we are focused on sharing love. This becomes the greatest legacy of all.

Paradoxes of Fear

We have seen that fear comes in many shapes and guises. Have you ever felt you had one type of fear going on, just to have an opposite aspect show up almost simultaneously? Another way to look at fear is through the conflicted feelings that this emotion can bring up. Sometimes, for example, we have a fear of failure (“I need this to work to support my plans”), but hidden in that is a fear of success (“If this works out too well, I may alienate those closest to me”). We may fluctuate between both extremes depending on the situations we are facing. Here are a few different ranges in which fear can show up. Can you visualize each one as a line of energy? Which end are you closer to?

 

JOURNAL CHALLENGE

Take out your journal and replicate the lines below. Where would you position yourself in each example? Put an X on the spot. Depending on what’s going on, you may find yourself at one side one day, and at the opposite side the next, or somewhere in the middle. This can even happen within the span of fifteen minutes! Fear can take you on a roller-coaster ride. Yet we don’t often look at ourselves in this way. Notice any insights you gain about your fears and your preferences. You may be surprised at what you discover.

In this small exercise, you are getting to witness your unique fears: old ones, new ones, maybe some that have been in hiding. By getting these fears out of your head and onto paper, you are freeing valuable space in your mind so you can discern which are the fears that protect you, the fears that guide you, and those that don’t serve you at all. Even knowing this changes the game: Awareness gives you choices. Choices give you power.

How Fear Is Your Friend—the Positive Side of Fear

Fear can provide the focus to help you collect yourself, harness your energy, and make your next move. To ease into this, there’s only one thing required, and it’s not something that comes naturally to everyone. It entails paying attention to your fear rather than second-guessing or squashing it. It involves being with it, honoring your instinct, and letting the answers come to you. In the height of fear, when you ask yourself “What’s my next move?” listen for the clues. You will get them quickly, usually in directives like “run, hide, fight, scream, be quiet, trust yourself, you got this…”

Fear will work for you, but you have to respect it and tune in to its message. A word of warning—this is not that easy in this day and age. If anything, there is constant pressure to disregard the instinct of fear. The adage “No fear” has taken on a life of its own. From a young age, children are taught “Don’t be afraid; don’t be a baby.”9 As adults, we hear “Be unstoppable—the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Note to self: maybe it’s time to stop pushing down our fear and instead listen to the signals it is sending.

Here’s a question: If fear enters your mind or body, in reaction to a clue in your environment, does that mean you are a coward? The answer is a full-on “NO!” On the contrary, it means you have the actual good sense to pay attention to your biological instinct, your genuine gut feeling, instead of overriding, ignoring, or censoring it even from yourself!

Author and educator Karla McLaren puts it well: “Fear is not cowardice; it is the protective mechanism inside you that knows you’re not adequately prepared for whatever is coming next. Fear stops you—not to immobilize you, but to give you the time you need to gather yourself and your resources.”10 Simply said, fear is not cowardice; it is caution.

When Fear Is Suppressed: What Happens When Fear Goes Underground?

By suppressing or belittling fear in order to appear confident, considerate, or courteous, there may be a price to pay. In his notable book The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker, a danger analyst, explores the difference between fear, worry, and anxiety.

Fear is involuntary; it is the body’s warning system that something here and now is a threat—so pay attention! It is safety-oriented and responsive to immediate dangers. The classic example is a woman waiting for an elevator late at night. It opens and there’s a strange man inside. She gets an uncomfortable feeling in her body, but her mind steps in to say, “It’s just an elevator ride. I don’t want to shut the door in his face. That would be just rude.” She goes in, against her gut feeling. He moves too close to her in the elevator, and she feels his hot breath on the side of her neck. She gets off at the very next floor, saying to herself, “I had a feeling…”

The point is she did have a warning sign; her gut sensation was trying to give her a message. Although nothing happened, she did not honor it—she opted for politeness and got on the elevator. When fear is flowing, it tries to send warning signals; but it’s up to us to pay attention. How many times have you had an odd feeling about a situation—maybe you had an inkling that a deal was too good to be true, or maybe you felt upset after spending time with someone and you couldn’t quite figure out why?

 

JOURNAL CHALLENGE

In your journal, jot down one situation when you listened to your instincts, and one when you ignored the red flags. Now list the outcomes for both situations.

The truth is, there will always be a protocol of accepted ways to act so you “don’t rock the boat.” But this is the perfect time to let go of what other people want and put yourself first. Think of yourself as an animal in the jungle—what instinct is trying to come through? Be fierce enough to respect it and give it its due. That way you can react decisively and in alignment with your inner guidance. You already have an internal safety system. This is an invitation to recognize that your instincts are there for you, like a wise presence inside, just waiting for you to pay attention.

Keeping the circuits open to those intuitive warnings is more important than we may know. By consistently dismissing the instinctive fear messages and telling ourselves “not to be afraid” or “they are just letting off steam, not to worry,” we are literally training our brains to disregard and eventually disable those signals that are there to serve us. Women in abusive relationships may even try to tell themselves that it is a badge of honor to dismiss their feelings of fear.

Eventually, when we downgrade and ignore our fears, that powerful built-in safety system, which has been repeatedly overridden, ends up becoming weaker. Unlike the animal that deals with their fear instinct head-on and then returns to a calmer place, as we repeatedly ignore and rationalize ourselves out of our fears, the internal security system breaks down and the signal becomes so faint we can barely hear it at all.11 Unless true fear is recognized as the ally it is, it cannot protect you from real danger.

How Changing Your Beliefs Can Change Your Life

Sometimes we inherit beliefs from those around us. You’ve heard the expression “Kids don’t miss a thing”? Even from infancy, we learn by watching those closest to us. The brain’s mirror neurons influence children to empathetically feel what their parents feel, as if those emotions were their own. As young children, usually under seven years of age, we can take on attitudes and beliefs from those around us, such as parents, caretakers, or close family. This applies to fears as well.

In his renowned book The Biology of Belief, biologist Bruce Lipton states, “The fundamental behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes we observe in our parents become ‘hardwired’ as synaptic pathways in our subconscious minds. Once programmed into the subconscious mind, they control our biology for the rest of our lives … or at least until we make the effort to reprogram them.”12

When parents unknowingly brand their children with messages like “don’t walk ahead, you’ll be kidnapped” or “you can’t do anything right” or “don’t bother me now—why can’t you see I’m busy…” or whatever the negative words may be, a child’s subconscious brain takes in the message that they are not safe, not important, or not good enough as part of their identity. These old hurts show up as fears or feelings of unworthiness and can shape how people see themselves and their potential for years to come.

When we suppress what is uncomfortable, it stays trapped. Dr. Candace Pert, author of Molecules of Emotion, explains, “When emotions are repressed, denied, not allowed to be whatever they may be, our network pathways get blocked, stopping the flow of the vital feel-good, unifying chemicals that run both our biology and our behavior.”13

We can stay stuck on autopilot, with the subconscious mind and its embedded negative tapes running the show. Or we can be with the fears, feel where they rest in our bodies, and invite them to the surface so they can be released. These disowned or “shadow” parts of ourselves want to be acknowledged. They point the way to what is ready to be healed.

If the wound is the place where the light enters you, we then have the opportunity to turn that wound into wisdom. What has it taught us? Where is it guiding us, and how can we use that insight to empower our life and perhaps make a difference for someone else, too? Sometimes our fears can point us to our purpose.

Strategies for Change

I have chosen five strategies to help you: learn self-compassion, how to make it safe for your fears to emerge, how to release old fears, take baby steps to desensitize yourself to fear, and finally how to take full-on action. Each addresses a different aspect, and together they equip you to know yourself better, be gentler with your tender parts, and be fearless when you need to be. One caveat: these tools are geared for everyday fears. To deal with severe forms of fear or anxiety disorders, a mental health professional can help in more direct ways. That said, try each one and see which resonates with you the most. You will find a different type of relief in each technique. Then repeat your favorite daily for twenty-one days, which is the time it takes to embed a new habit. By practicing intentional activities, you change the neural pathways in the brain. Some may be able to see a shift in less time, depending on how close you already are to releasing that belief. Be easy with yourself. It has taken years to formulate these fears—give yourself some breathing room to let them go.

1. PERFECTIONISM AND THE POWER OF SELF-COMPASSION

Perfectionism is a social fear of being judged, and it is growing. We live in a society that celebrates how people appear on the surface, the myth of popularity, and the adulation of celebrity. These days, getting your picture posted on social media is often seen as more importantly than heartfully experiencing what you were feeling in the first place. How people “represent” their lives has become more important than energetically being present.

One research study reveals that socially prescribed perfectionism among college students is escalating at an unprecedented pace, along with all the mental health issues it brings, including anxiety, depression, social phobia, and suicidal thoughts.14 We don’t talk about the fact that we have willingly enrolled in a system that puts salt into that wound on a daily basis. It’s time for some discernment. It’s time to look at what is working for us. And it’s time to prioritize our focus on pursuits that support us, not tear us down.

Unknowingly, we have been seduced into the cult of comparison, setting ourselves up even further for feeling like we just don’t measure up. Most people, no matter what their income level or education, no matter their accomplishments or accolades, carry some fear of not being good enough. There is too much pressure to be “on your game” all the time.

Brené Brown makes an important distinction. She explains that striving to be your best is one thing. Perfectionism is a different animal. It is enmeshed with the belief that “if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.”15 In that way fear serves as a shield—on one hand, it is trying to keep you safe; on the other hand, it is also keeping people from getting close.

Perfectionism is being stuck in the fear of what people will think. It could tie back to the childhood need to behave in a certain way in order to receive love and acceptance from a parent. Perhaps life was unstable and you had to be the one who took care of things; you became the caretaker or the responsible one at a young age. Or maybe your parents wanted to brag about your accomplishments to their friends in order to make themselves look better. In any case, who you are on the inside was not recognized nearly as much as what you did on the outside.

In adult life, people who are perfectionists measure themselves on their accomplishments, attention to detail, and ability to get things done. There is nothing wrong with healthy striving, but the challenge for a perfectionist is to be gentle with yourself, avoid the “it has to be perfect or I am a total loser” thinking, and allow the process to unfold. As the saying goes, “Done is better than perfect.”

Dare to try new things and do them badly; get messy; be a learner in life. Instead of not starting something new for fear of not knowing enough, you will always move forward when you try to grow. There is great freedom and even amusement in this!

Perfectionists get trapped when they measure themselves only on how well they are at “doing.” There is no joie de vivre here as it can too easily become an insatiable drive. Because even with serial successes, there is always another goal, another mountain to climb; it is never ever enough.

So if you are a perfectionist, and I consider myself a recovering one, be aware of your self-talk. How many times a day do you unconsciously put yourself down? Have you noticed that some of the internal messages can be so cruel you would never dream of saying them to anyone else? It could range from “Bad hair day,” to “those pants look disgusting” to “This isn’t working … I’m done.” The self-directed arrows are not about a skill that could be improved; it’s that you don’t measure up. A method some people use is to put a hair elastic around their wrist and snap it when they catch themselves in self-critical mode. But do not use that newfound awareness to say “Oh, there I am again, putting myself down.” Instead, celebrate that you are waking up from mental habits that would keep you stuck.

The antidote to perfectionism and the inner critic’s barrage is a healthy dose of self-compassion. This helps you bounce back faster than chasing down self-esteem, which still bases your value on doing “better” than those around you.

That addresses the head; now what about the heart? What about the part of you that feels upset and afraid to take the next step? Self-compassion also invites you to lighten up. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion, points to the three parts:

  • Mindfulness: This helps you come into the present moment and not overidentify with what is bothering you.
  • Common humanity: Rather than making you feel isolated, self-compassion focuses on our shared humanity; everyone everywhere goes through rough patches. Sharing our real-life challenges actually cuts across all boundaries and brings us closer.
  • Self-kindness: Practice self-kindness instead of self-judgment. Try treating yourself as you would a dear friend. What tone of voice would you use? What soothing words might you say? Consider putting a hand over your heart and saying, “(Your name)—it is a tough situation, and it’s perfectly normal to be afraid.… You will find a way to get through it; you always do.” Calm rather than condemn. It is like a wise part of yourself is helping the part of you that is scared or confused. You learn to accept yourself as someone who is just doing their best to navigate the ever-changing landscape of life. You begin to notice all the things you have discovered about yourself along the way. You understand that mistakes are also useful in providing a powerful lesson—they guide you forward so much faster than if you had retreated into your comfort zone. Rather than tell you that you are stupid, they remind you that you have the courage to try something new and you are growing.

Failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something.

—MORIHEI UESHIBA

Now, if you’re among those who think that this practice would make you unmotivated and guarantee your couch potato status, studies prove that the exact opposite is true.16 In this increasingly stressful world, grit is not enough to keep on going for the long run. Perseverance at all costs leads to burnout. If you want to bounce back more quickly, this tool must be in your toolbox. Instead of being a critic, be a coach. Self-compassion will build your emotional resilience over time, not to mention make you happier, more productive, and more confident.

2. HOLDING YOUR FEARS SOFTLY: “THE PEACE PROCESS”

When fears come up, we have the choice to befriend them and utilize their protective focus to get through to the other side … or to numb them out with binges of TV, food, exercise, work, sex, drugs, whatever keeps you from the unresolved emotions that are emerging to be healed. This reveals the biggest fear of all—to actually feel your feelings.

When you open the door to welcoming all your emotions, one thing is key: go gently; this has to be a safe zone. Fears are fragile; they need a soft touch. It’s not instinctive—most people tend to be incredibly hard on themselves, often without realizing it. Proceed lightly. You are now bringing sunlight to the darker places and honoring your fears with tenderness.

Imagine a baby who is sobbing. Similar to a baby, your fears are crying out to you to notice them, listen to them, and give them your attention. You would not lock a baby in a dark basement; it’s the same with your fears. You want to make it safe for them to emerge. Just like a baby, they may need to be held, comforted, and allowed to relax in your caring presence.

Christian Mickelsen has developed a process that is a gentle but powerful way to deal with fears. Called “The Peace Process,”17 it bypasses the mind by addressing the feelings embedded in the body. The body, which stores all types of memories, including traumatic ones, is used as a pathway to release fear. There are seven steps. Choose a fear you have, probably not your most intense one as you are learning the process. You can do this again with the bigger fears once you know how it works. Think about the fear, let it come to the forefront of your mind. Remember that you are in a safe place and that the fear can’t hurt you, then focus on feeling it in your body. These steps will help you through the process:

  1. Find the feeling: Because feelings can be felt in the body, think of your fear and notice where it shows up in your body (most people identify the heart area, the throat, or the gut, though it could be anywhere).
  2. Stay present: Keep your attention on that part or parts of your body. Do not try to solve the issue in your mind or numb it out with food, phones, or other go-to addictions. You can do this!
  3. Accept that feeling: Instead of suppressing it, let the feeling come up for air. Like you would a hurt child, try to send it some care, some love.
  4. Focus on where the feeling is most intense: In that feeling lodged somewhere in your body, there’s one spot that has the most charge, the most intensity. Put and keep your tender attention right there.
  5. Let it breathe: When you focus your care on that area in your body, the feeling may move or get more or less intense. Invite it to get bigger and witness how it changes. Mickelsen compares it to an oil candle. He states, “The fuel needs oxygen to burn, but once it’s burned out it’s over. Your attention is the oxygen and the feeling is the fuel. We never know how much fuel is in there.” So it requires you staying with it and providing the presence to help it to run its course. It could be seconds or minutes or, rarely, a few hours.
  6. Connect with peace: Let the feeling grow and move around, keeping your loving attention on the part that seems to be most intensified. Eventually you’ll notice that the fear will dissipate, and the feeling of peace will be stronger than the feeling of fear. This usually occurs in five to ten minutes. Sometimes it can be more, sometimes it will go faster—stay with it.
  7. Find lasting peace: After the fear has subsided, you will feel a neutral feeling, which is a sense of peace. Test that you’ve cleared the fear entirely by thinking about the issue you were releasing. See if you are feeling anything but peace, and if so, repeat the process again. Depending on how deep-seated the feelings are, this may be a gradual process with several layers to get through. But every time you do it moves you to greater freedom. Soon, you will notice that you feel less entrapped by the fear that was keeping you stuck. You are giving yourself breathing room and the green light to go forward and bring out the best within you.

3. SAYING THANK YOU AND RELEASING YOUR FEAR

By thanking the old beliefs for doing their utmost to keep you safe and then releasing them for something better, you are creating space to embrace a more aware and updated version of yourself. For example, replace “Don’t trust strangers” with “I enjoy connecting with wonderful people.” Swap “I’m afraid to be myself” with “The people I want to spend time with appreciate my unique approach to life.” Trade “I’m afraid I won’t succeed” with “I learn and grow with every experience.”

 

JOURNAL CHALLENGE

After you identify what fear you want to release, open your journal and describe the fear. Write down how it protected you in years past, and thank it for being there in its intention to keep you safe. Now you are ready to let it go.

Here is a body-centered (somatic) visualization to help you release it. Imagine you are giving the limiting belief or fear a color. Now visualize that color collecting in your body, and then moving down your torso, down your legs, through the bottom of your feet, and into the center of the planet, where it dissolves. It’s easy, like a magnet is pulling it out of your body. Then visualize a golden sun, with your new insights, excitement, and positive energies coming into the top of your head and moving down inside your body, filling you up top to toes with a warm serene feeling, completely replacing any trace of the color of the old belief. Enjoy the sensation of warmth, lightness, comfort, and peace. Sit with this for a moment or two. Then open your eyes. You are now prepared to put your focus on positive change and to go forward to experience the best of your life. You can repeat this anytime.

4. START SMALL: HOW TO DESENSITIZE YOUR FEARS

There’s a reason that, as a child, you start riding a bike with training wheels. You are taking action, but in a way that makes you feel safe. For this strategy, you create a plan, think of the finer details, and begin with little actions18 to help you gain momentum. Action is the antidote to fear.

If you have a fear of public speaking, then get together with one good friend who does not judge you and will be kind no matter what they have to say, and speak in front of them. Did you die? No! It probably went better than you had anticipated. Onward! The next step is to practice. The more you repeat an activity and notice that nothing bad happens, the more it desensitizes you to fear’s grip. Using the example of public speaking, you’ll begin to feel more at ease each time you rehearse it in front of others. Then you might challenge yourself to speak in front of a small group. Soon you will be ready to try speaking in front of a bigger gathering. Then maybe take a course or join a Toastmaster chapter. With slow, deliberate actions, you will prove to yourself that little steps lead to big strides.

5. THE FIVE-SECOND RULE—GETTING INTO ACTION

The Peace Process eases the way for buried fears to be released from the body, making it safe to let the fear dissipate. But what about the fears (not the anxieties) that we are already aware of, that live front and center in the mind? George Patton said, “There is a time to take counsel of your fears, and there is a time to never listen to any fear.” Fears of trying something new, fears of shining too bright (don’t ever listen to that one!), fears of sharing your ideas in a group, fears of going over to talk to someone new … these are fears of basically overcoming inertia to finally get out of your comfort zone, which may be increasingly uncomfortable because you know you want more!

This brand of fear does well with another strategy to get you unstuck. Developed by Mel Robbins for getting you past your old habits, it’s called the Five-Second Rule.19 This is useful when there’s something you know you should do, but you feel either scared or overwhelmed by the notion. The idea is that from the initial time you have an impulse to do something new, you have a five-second window before your old conditioning that would keep you stuck kicks in. Five seconds can flip you into action. The counting distracts you from the habit of hesitating, overthinking, and worrying. When you reach the number one, that’s your cue to immediately, that second, MOVE! Think of a rocket taking off and use that same countdown, so in your mind, or even out loud, you actually say to yourself, “Five, four, three, two, one—GO!” By counting (to redirect the mind) and immediately moving (to activate the body), you interrupt the old patterns of hesitation. Based on the research, this allows you to take control of your prefrontal cortex, the decision-making area of the brain, and helps you build a feeling of having more control in your own life.

This deceptively simple technique will help you override procrastination, apathy, and old habits that keep you from progressing. Use this rule to ask for that raise, sign up for that class, finally schedule some time to take care of yourself, or have that tough conversation. When you do something in spite of your fears and activate your internal locus of control, you restore your faith in yourself, get stronger, and develop grit and a confidence that no one can take away.

These techniques will soften your fears and inspire you to take action now. Do these exercises and choose one you’d like to practice consecutively. It will help you see your fears in a whole new way.

Fears are there for a purpose. They can point us to our intuition and shift us back on course to be aligned with our true nature. Take a moment to acknowledge your willingness to look at all the parts of life. It is not easy to look at our fears. Recognize your courage and readiness to bring these aspects to the surface.

Now think of an image of pure shining energy that is covered with the shadow layer of fears. You are that pure energy, and the fears are simply a covering. They do not define you, nor are they who you really are. Think of fears as a part of yourself that feels separate and basically wants to return to the central core. When this shadow/fear layer feels safe enough to share its lessons, then the layer of fear can be released. When we learn from our fears, their energy transforms into wisdom. The sooner we can come to peace with our “shadow” (difficult or more painful) layer of beliefs, the sooner we can take the learning within the situations and move forward. When we intentionally explore these unsettling beliefs and release them gently, then we remind ourselves of our true nature and reconnect with the core essence of who we really are.