Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others.
Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval.
Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.
—LAO TZU
CONFIDENCE IS AN OUTER reflection of an inner alignment. You know when someone has confidence; their presence speaks before they do. Have you ever met someone new and wondered, “Who is that person? They have such a great energy, such a spark, and they are radiating sheer confidence.” And … have you ever felt that you could use a little more? But sometimes the desire for confidence and the possession of it can seem far apart. Maybe you want to reduce some of the stress you deal with but haven’t felt like you could make demands to carve out the time; maybe in your job, you want to speak out more in meetings but have held back; maybe you want more closeness in your relationships, but it was never the right time to raise the subject. Or perhaps you have a dream you’ve been harboring in your heart, but it would take a leap into uncertainty to get going.
The good news is that confidence is not reserved for the lucky few. There is a source of energy that helps you feel more connected and confident, and anyone can tap into it. This confidence you exude is much more than stand up straight, shoulders back, chin up, and put a smile on your face; that is all external. The confidence we are talking about comes from the inside, and you cannot help but access it when you are at home in your skin, when you feel aligned with who you are, and quite simply when you are enjoying your life.
You might be thinking, “Easy to say, but how does this happen?” It’s easy to get caught up in negative thoughts and beliefs that have been holding us back and forget to think of what gives us energy. When our mind automatically goes to what we don’t like about ourselves or our situation, when we focus on how we don’t measure up, or on how others have it so together, we are setting our energy in motion, but not in the direction that we would like. We are effectively closing down the valve that connects us to the clear energy we all desire, the energy that connects us to our inner resources, our joy, and our confidence.
Inner confidence is also described as feeling your power to take a step forward. According to Ohio State University professor Richard Petty, “Confidence is what turns our thoughts into actions.”1 This includes getting through both the mental obstacles as well as the challenges to get into action. Getting out of our own way mentally opens the door to gaining confidence from doing. When you want to be the architect of your own life, you need both aspects: feeling like you are willing to take a step forward (even if you have fears), then acting upon that and taking the step. The good news is that these can be developed. The more we practice a new perspective, habit, or skill, the better we become at it. We learn as we go.
In this chapter we’ll look at both of these aspects: confidence from inner alignment and from learning something new. We’ll explore the power of belief and the different mind-sets that either support or sabotage our lives. We’ll cover the downsides of self-esteem and how women can deal with the confidence gap. Then I’ll give you some tactical hints, including knowing your strengths, how to feel your confidence grow, and how to track its progress as it emerges. Greater confidence is absolutely available—here are some ways to accelerate your journey.
We’ve all heard the saying “Just believe in yourself,” but what happens when you feel discouraged or disappointed in life or even in yourself? What if you’ve had a few things that have not gone your way and you feel a little stuck? When you want to see external changes, it’s always good to start with internal shifts. One of the most powerful shifts to make is learning to manage your mind-set.
After decades of research, Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck discovered that how we think about our talents and abilities is one of the greatest influences in how successful we are in the world, and this works for business, in school, for families, and relationships.2 She explains that if we believe that our intelligence, talents, or personality are “fixed,” that we’re either naturally good at something or we’re not (and if not, then why bother putting energy in that direction), that is called a fixed mind-set. Someone with a fixed mind-set would not be interested in trying something outside their comfort zone. It’s not their “thing,” and chances are, if it’s that challenging, it’s not worth their time—move on! Besides, if they really go out on a limb and go for it, it could make them look stupid, or worse yet, it could fall flat, and they would feel like a failure—who needs that? Better to go with what comes easily and stay on proven paths where success is much more likely. Unfortunately, this is a very limited way to live. If we succumb to the fixed mind-set because it is familiar, we are effectively strangling our potential by buying into an old limiting belief.
On the other hand, if we believe that intelligence, personality, and character can be developed, and potential can grow by putting effort into learning new skills, that’s called a growth mind-set. Someone with a growth mind-set approaches fresh challenges with curiosity and as a lifelong learner. They do not put the pressure on themselves to do it perfectly—after all, they are just starting out. This gives them the courage to take risks in areas untried. If something is somewhat challenging, it is actually a good thing. They know that the more they practice and the more effort they put in, the more their skills improve. Edison made ten thousand prototypes before coming out with the lightbulb—he definitely had a growth mind-set. Challenges are just part of the journey—if some path doesn’t work out, that doesn’t mean it’s the end. Take another route.
The exciting thing about these mind-sets is that once we get to know them both, we can more easily notice when a fixed mind-set is putting limits on our confidence. Imagine yourself as a detective saying, “Aha—caught you in the act, fixed mind-set. Is that what I really want? Will that perspective help me—NO! It will actually keep me right where I am. I’m tapping into my growth mind-set instead!” That awareness brings us to a choice point, and in that way, it brings us back to our own power.
At Project Happiness, we teach these concepts even to elementary school–age children, by translating them into the language of kids. The fixed mind-set, the one that thinks you are limited and shouldn’t try something new, is similar to the inner critic voice. For kids, it’s called your “Inner Meanie.”
The growth mind-set, which kids call their “Inner Friend,” inspires you to stretch through struggles and encourages you, saying that even if you don’t know it yet, you will progress—just keep trying. Teaching kids how to make the choice for this empowering mind-set puts them more in charge of their internal state. One teacher working with at-risk students stated, “When students realize that they have control over effort and thus the results they see, they are off and running.”3 We had a class of seven-year-olds telling one another: “Don’t listen to your Inner Meanie; listen to your Inner Friend!” Whether you call it focusing on your growth mind-set or on your “Inner Friend,” you can make that choice just as easily.
FIXED MIND-SET (INNER MEANIE) |
|
GROWTH MIND-SET (INNER FRIEND) |
If I try something new, I’ll risk looking incompetent. |
| When I try something new, I’ll grow. |
Challenges are a waste of time. If it’s not my sweet spot, why bother? |
|
I put effort into challenges as they help my brain, capacity, and confidence get stronger. |
If it doesn’t work out, I’m a failure—I’ll be humiliated for life. |
|
If my strategy failed, I’ll learn from it and try something new—the most successful people deal with challenges all the time. |
We need challenges to grow, but according to the research, those with a fixed mind-set are five times more likely to avoid challenges.4 This is actually a bigger deal than it might seem. Jenny and Alexa were in the same after-school soccer league. Jenny had exceptional hand-eye coordination and impressive speed. She had been the star center for a few years in a row. Alexa, new to the area, was an average but enthusiastic player. You could see her doing early-morning drills before the day started.
Halfway through the season, the longtime coach had to leave town for a family emergency, and a young new coach came on board. She was a fanatic about practice and drove the kids hard. Jenny, the star player, didn’t like it one bit, missed most practices, and showed up just for the games. She couldn’t wait for the old coach to return, which to her dismay, did not happen, as she had to relocate to care for her ailing parents. So the team had to adapt to the new coach. Jenny did not go to practice; Alexa was consistent.
Over the season and into the next, something unexpected happened—the girl who was average started getting better than the girl who was gifted. It took everyone by surprise when Alexa started scoring goals every single game. For the first time, Jenny had a challenge: to put in more effort and rise to her innate potential or bow out—what would she do? As you may have guessed, her interest in the game started to wane. She said it no longer grabbed her, and she’d rather spend more time on other interests.
Though Jenny had made brilliant plays in the past, Alexa’s consistent practice made her stronger and much more skilled than anyone could have predicted. Her confidence grew along with her experience, and this rippled into all areas of her life.
If everyone stayed inside their comfort zones, there would be no possibility for progress and no opportunity for positive change. Challenges open the door to capacities you would not have known you had. You find out what you are made of.
JOURNAL CHALLENGE
In your journal, jot down a time when you faced a struggle that challenged you beyond what you thought you could handle, but you made it through.
• Describe how you felt and what you learned through that experience.
• Also write down a challenge that you are facing today. What beliefs could help you shift your perspective on that situation?
You give yourself a huge advantage by moving into the mind-set that sees setbacks as opportunities for improvement and effort as the driver of growth. Instead of listening to your inner critic, you will train yourself to listen to your inner coach. Confidence is a natural by-product of witnessing the results of your efforts. So is a renewed ability to trust yourself, to trust in life, and to feel the expanded energy of being at home in your own skin. That’s what gives you a glow, a radiance, and an energy that draws in those around you. That’s why some say confidence is sexy! With this way of thinking, you don’t have to worry about confidence—it will emerge within you.
Having healthy confidence is sometimes confused with having high self-esteem, but they are really not the same. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that it depends on external success, and it is based on how you stack up against others. Here’s how it works: When we are feeling successful, then the self-esteem is in great shape. Let’s say we ace a presentation, do well at a sports game, or win an argument, and we judge ourselves as valuable—life is good. The downside is that whenever something does not go right, whenever we make a mistake or fail at a goal, we judge ourselves as unworthy; the self-esteem fizzles like a balloon losing all its air.
Self-esteem is also based on being seen as better than someone else. Most people don’t realize that, with all best intentions, when they emphasize self-esteem, they are actually entering the land of comparison and competition. This applies to parenting, too. Every parent wants their kids to do well and have friends; this will give them the foundation for success in life. It sounds good, and if they bring home the As and are invited to the birthday party, their parents are happy and the child’s self-esteem is stoked. But what happens if their grades drop; what happens if someone was mean to them that day? Is that any reason for the child to feel less worthy?
Instead of praising the grades (“You’re the best in your class, you’re a genius”), consider praising the effort put into a project (“I can really see you worked hard on that”). The point is to guide children to do their best and strive for learning, rather than the elusive “gold star.” Instead of praising popularity, emphasize being a good person. Being a person you are proud of is far more important for long-term confidence than being admired by random people.
When we measure ourselves by factors that are beyond our control, like a job promotion, or the number of likes on a social media post, then we are giving others control of how confident we feel about ourselves. This prompts the question—is that the choice we want to make? When everything is perfectly in sync, all is well. But when any one thing goes wrong, the most anticipated results can blow up in no time flat. Being dependent on external circumstances is a setup for eroding confidence instead of building it up.
Amy Morin, in an article for Psychology Today, suggests that if you have to measure yourself at all, base it on things that you have a say in, not the external events of your life over which you have no control. When you have a solid sense of yourself and you feel good about yourself, you will be able to ride the waves of change. No matter if a project you are working on is delayed, if you are going through a breakup or job loss, you can connect to an inner knowing that you will get through it; you always do. She states, “Instead of chasing … self-esteem, measure your self-worth by who you are at your core.5
“Use a measuring stick based on factors you can control—not the external events in your life. When you know who you are—and you’re pleased with the person you have become—you’ll experience a sense of peace through life’s inevitable ups and downs.”6
This is where self-compassion comes in. Unlike self-esteem, which has us judge our worthiness based on how we perform compared to others, self-compassion reminds us that everyone makes mistakes. Accepting ourselves, imperfections and all, is key. Otherwise, we spend way too much time agonizing about how it “should” have been. Even if we did not do well in a situation, we are all worthy of kindness. When you speak to yourself as you would a good friend, you can bounce back from setbacks faster and feel better about yourself. This leads to a confidence that is sourced internally—and one that is better able to withstand life’s challenges.
According to Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion, “If you’re self-compassionate, you’ll tend to have higher self-esteem than if you’re endlessly self-critical.7 You can have self-compassion even when you’ve failed miserably. It does not depend on being better than other people.”8
You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings. You are not meant for crawling, so don’t. You have wings. Learn to use them and fly.
—RUMI
Some women are lucky enough to have inherent self-confidence or to have been raised in families that fostered this quality. But a recent study9 of four hundred students showed that girls lose faith in their own talents by the age of six. Part of the study had boys and girls play a new board game. For some kids, the explanation was that it was “for children who are really, really smart” and for another group it was described as “for children who try really, really hard.” The results? “Six- and seven-year-old girls were as likely as boys to enjoy the game for those who try, but much less likely to say they enjoy the game for smart children.”
A BBC article quotes Professor Andrei Cimpian, who states, “Early on, society’s stereotypes can create differences in trajectory.… It’s disheartening to see these effects emerge so early. When you see them, you realize how much of an uphill battle it’s going to be.”10
Though these tendencies are showing up in childhood, the facts are that these days, more women are graduating from college than men. According to the U.S. Department of Education, women will comprise more than 56 percent of students on campuses in the United States, and that trend is expected to grow.11
So why are so few women represented in traditional positions of influence? We have talked about the glass ceiling for years, but can confidence and mental beliefs also play a part? In this current climate, there is more urgency than ever to address the issue, and greater numbers of people than ever who want to see change. In some industries, the contrast in conditions is not as significant, but in some it is shocking; just think of what female actors or anchorwomen get paid as compared to their male colleagues. Time to rebalance the scales.…
The good news is that there is a renewed energy to engineer a shift. In order to set a strong foundation, certain key pillars need to be in place. These are pay equity, leadership equity, and responsibility equity. Christine Lagarde, managing director of the International Monetary Fund, points out, “Globally, women earn only three-quarters as much as men … even with the same level of education, and in the same occupation.”12
• Pay equity means getting equal pay for equal work—this is front and center.
• Leadership equity will happen through women having access to the highest echelons of power: by voting more women into offices and boardrooms, by promoting them in organizations and communities, and by encouraging education and awareness.
• Responsibility equity has to do with shared responsibilities in the household and instituting proper maternity and paternity leave and daycare. Currently, the United States is the only industrialized country that does not offer paid maternity leave. “In Sweden’s efforts to achieve gender equality, each parent is entitled to 240 of the 480 days of paid parental leave.”13 On a recent trip there, I was pleasantly surprised at how many dads were out during the week, midday with their babies. Maybe we can learn a few things.…
In the meantime, in the United States, progressive corporations, many of them in the tech sector, are leading the way in offering generous paid time off for maternity leave (and in some cases, such as Netflix, paternity leave). Besides creating goodwill and reducing stress so that parents can be fully present during this critical phase, by having paid leave policies in place, these businesses avoid the cost of having to seek and engage new hires. This is a win-win on so many levels.
While we work toward advancing the infrastructure of society, it’s equally important to look below the surface. There are widespread mental beliefs that prevent these changes from happening as quickly as we would like. Aside from some inspiring examples of women following their own wisdom and creating a new definition of success, there are ingrained ways of thinking that play a big part in the confidence gap. Here is a quick overview. Tick off the ones that apply to you or the women in your life:
Given these mental constraints, it’s no wonder that it’s harder for women to claim their appropriate place. Here are ten ways to foster greater confidence:
1. Encourage girls and women to strive less for being seen as “good” and more for being seen as having moxie, resilience, and grit. Authenticity over perfectionism. It is better to prize effort, tenacity, and resourcefulness rather than the qualities of being likable, attractive, or pleasing. The movie Wonder Woman ignited a viral thread of delight as women created videos of themselves embodying that badass but caring superhero. Women were recognizing that part of themselves on the screen.
2. Embrace the superpowers of empathy, emotional intelligence, and heart-centered leadership. These are huge advantages and will help you advance as artificial intelligence gains more momentum.
3. Don’t stay long in blame or rumination. Pointing fingers at others or at yourself will not move you forward; it will keep you stagnant. Know what you stand for and make a plan. Then keep on going.
4. When in doubt, choose action. You already know enough to take the first step.
Don’t be intimidated by what you don’t know. That can be your greatest strength and ensure you do things differently from everyone else.
—SARAH BLAKELY
5. Develop your tribe of supporters, allies, collaborators, and groups that share your vision. Make the time to develop these relationships—they will sustain you.
6. Use your voice + hard facts + passion to drive change and embrace the idea of failing forward.
Keep on going! We need to accept that … we’ll screw up royally sometimes—understanding that failure is not the opposite of success, it’s part of success.
—ARIANNA HUFFINGTON
7. Get the fuel from your core values and use those as a foundation for how you handle conflict and for the decisions you make. You will have the courage of your convictions and sleep well at night.
8. Confidence is a choice you can make. Authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman point out in The Confidence Code: “You’re born with a set of genes, and that’s basically your concrete highway. But during the course of your life, you can build bridges and tunnels and other roads around that highway … that basically can change the way you are.”18 You can always add skills and new pathways to build up your confidence. In any given situation, you can have the intention to choose the confident path, and by traveling it more frequently, it expands into a road. Neuroplasticity would agree. By reinforcing any neural pathway, it gets stronger and eventually becomes your go-to approach.
9. Claim your talents and your gifts. Look at what you have accomplished so far, instead of everything left on your bucket list. Take that in and savor it—it will energize the next steps of your journey.
10. Trust in your ability to figure it out. Your curiosity, combined with your intuition, focus, and drive is a powerful recipe for progress. It’s time to bring your perception of your abilities in line with your abilities. By getting out of your comfort zone and aligning with your true nature, you trust in who you really are.
In order to claim our talents and uniqueness, as we move from the confidence gap into the confidence flow, a valuable tool is getting to know our personal strengths.
If someone were to ask you, “What are your top strengths and how would you describe your character?” would you be able to answer? Each person has different degrees of twenty-four character strengths, such as creativity, bravery, kindness, teamwork, forgiveness, and gratitude, just to name a few. You can get your personal profile by taking the University of Pennsylvania VIA Survey character quiz, developed by Dr. Martin Seligman.19
Finding out our character strengths is the first step. For confidence, fulfillment, and happiness to rise, the challenge is to put our top strengths into action in our daily lives. Let’s say one of your strengths was creativity and you were dying a slow death in a restrictive desk job: then creativity would be informing you that by ignoring that facet of yourself, you are missing a source of accomplishment and joy. If leadership was one of your character strengths, this is a signal that as you use your leadership even more, you will experience both deeper fulfillment and the confidence that arises from honoring your essential self.
JOURNAL CHALLENGE
In your journal, jot down your own particular strengths, how you are already using them, and some ways you can bring them out even more.
As you use your innate strengths in day-to-day life, you will discover that when you act in alignment with what is most important to you and your values, not only will others have trust and confidence in you, but you can experience a deeper trust in yourself, more joy, and more self-confidence—you are being true to who you are.
Of course, it doesn’t end there. In order to expand your world and the confidence you have within it, it’s important to get a sense of your best self—the best version of you possible. This is the you that is living up to your potential, using all the characteristics that you want to embody. It’s the you that has the strength, the capacity, and the success bursting forth … on your terms. It is basically how you want to show up in the world.
Brendon Burchard, author of High Performance Habits, offers another way to define the best of who you are.20
If you were asked to describe your inner self, what words would you use? If you were asked to name some qualities that reflected who you aspire to be, in other words how you want to show up to others, would they be any different? This exercise asks you to think of words that reveal attributes you want to bring out of yourself, how you want others to experience you, and qualities that amplify your success in life.
JOURNAL CHALLENGE
Take out your journal and follow the prompts; you will want to look back at these words later. Here are the instructions:
Select three words that define the best of who you are and that will serve to guide your thoughts and actions in your personal life. At a core level, are you: bold, compassionate, enthusiastic, reflective, kind, creative, strong-minded, present … The list is as long as there are people. What three words best describe how you aspire to be in the world and why?
Next, select three words that describe how you want to relate to others. It could be to your family, coworkers, friends, strangers, anyone and everyone that you interact with.
Some words to prompt your thinking are: aware, fair, curious, uplifting, courageous, appreciative, playful, caring … The words you select will be unique to you. What three words describe how you want to interact in the world and how you want others to see you? Jot down why.
Then, select the three words that remind you of what has, and what will, make you most successful in life. What are your secrets to success? Some ideas: presence, perseverance, friendliness, vision, generosity, focus, humor, boldness.… What words will make you most successful, and why?
Finally, the difference between people who simply say the words and those who put them into action can come down to having a bigger reason to show up as your confident best self. Who or what is compelling you to keep on going because they depend on you? Is there someone who believes in you that you have to show up for? Do you need to be at your best for a cause that touches your heart: maybe you want to end suffering, maybe you want to be a voice for those who cannot be heard? For whatever reason, you know that giving up is not an option. Have a strong “why.”
If you want to get the maximum benefit from your words, then program them into your phone as reminders. On the iPhone, as you set the time for your alarm, you’ll want to press the word “label” and replace it with your three words. Now, every time your alarm goes off, you are reminding yourself of your best self. Hold the intention to step into it. Because people are dynamic, these words can change as you do. You might want to revisit this exercise every year, and see if there are any new qualities you want to focus on.
When you decide that you want to be more confident and are willing to put some effort into it, you are already on your way. Here are a few steps that can help:
Confidence grows with the inner work (know your triggers and have a plan to deal with them) and is reinforced with action. Psychologists call it the confidence competence loop. The more you practice the guitar, the better you get at playing it … then the more confidence you feel in playing it, the more you want to practice.… Sure, repeating the scales can be dull, but these exercises help attune the ear and provide the foundation from which to create. The best athletes understand that by doing their drills, they are developing the confidence, mental strength, and physical skills to be at their best in the heat of action. Repetition brings competence. Competence brings confidence. Confidence allows you to try something new that you might otherwise be afraid to. When you reach out of your comfort zone and go for that challenge, anything is possible. Confidence on the rise …
Here’s a challenge: For the next month choose one theme, a new interest, or something you are passionate about, put it in the calendar, and build it into your day or week.
If you talk about it, it’s a dream, if you envision it, it’s possible, but if you schedule it, it’s real.
—TONY ROBBINS
If you are planning a big tennis match or any other activity where you want to draw on your confidence, take some time to prepare. This could mean anything from figuring out exactly what you want and why, to visualizing how well it could go. You may not know all the specific steps to achieving this goal, but start thinking of yourself as the person you desire to be on every level, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Visualize how you want to show up: your confidence, poise, ease, humor … whatever is most important to you. Add details to make this as vivid as you can. If you want to be a __________, start seeing that in place. How would you feel, what would you see, what would you hear? It’s most important that you open your valve to align with your expanded energy and then close your eyes and feel this in your body. Then you can start trying that on in reality, acting like you are already in that confident state.
That’s your work on the mental level. Then bring in your pragmatic side. Anticipate the inevitable challenges, as there are always things that come up, and have a Plan B ready. (“If it happens this way, I can do that.”) Every obstacle allows you to learn something new. Arthur Ashe says it well: “One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation.”
You will see that with your efforts you do progress. Sometimes, though, as you develop more confidence, get stronger or more focused as you work toward a goal, it can change the dynamics with the people around you who are used to seeing you a certain way. If they resent that you are growing into a bigger version of yourself, it’s important not to buy into what others may think and to show yourself some love and support. Create a mantra that is meaningful for you: “I am strong and beautiful.” “Life is opening for me—I am unstoppable.” “I am growing every day.” You’ll think of what works best for you. Consider putting these messages on sticky notes in key places like the bathroom mirror or your computer, phone, or fridge.
To vibrate at the frequency of confidence and positivity, it also helps to keep your own levels high by daily meditation and gratitude. By something as simple as journaling a few things you are grateful for, as well as noting a few good qualities you saw in yourself that day, your sense of well-being and confidence will go up. You will also discover that your attention is less on what you are lacking and more on what you already have. You are enough, just as you are.
You may be tempted to compare yourself to others. Don’t do it! Instead, realize that your uniqueness is what counts and surround yourself with just a few handpicked people who are excited to see your confidence emerge. We tend to have an affinity with those who are vibrating at a similar level of energy (your vibe attracts your tribe). Make an intention to be around at least some people who lift you up, and you will do the same for them. As you appreciate yourself more, focus on what puts a smile on your face, and align with what is meaningful to you, you cannot help but build your confidence in powerful ways.
As you revise old ways of thinking, reconnect with your inner nature, and make decisions based on your values and best energy, you will tap into an innate confidence that waits within … always. Confidence is who you are on your deepest levels, and it is there to be accessed and amplified. The great thing about confidence is not only does it help you bring forth your best self, it can help you use your powers for good.
YOUR CONFIDENCE + CARING + COMMITMENT = UNSTOPPABLE CHANGE
Wonder Woman (or insert your favorite superhero) has nothing on you.
With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.
—HIS HOLINESS THE DALAI LAMA