Let all those that seek thee rejoice and be glad in thee: let such as love thy salvation say continually,
The Lord be magnified.
Psalm 40:16
“I keep telling you it’s not, and besides that, I can’t. I really thought long and hard about it. I had months to think it through, and this is the decision I’ve made.” It’s what’s best for the baby; I’m not being selfish. I think it would be selfish of me to keep the baby when the baby can have a better life somewhere else, with someone else.
“I can’t tell you what to do. I’ll help you in Simon’s place if you want to go ahead with keeping up the lies you’ve told my parents. I won’t let anyone know that I know anything different from what you’ve told them.”
“You’d really do that?”
“Yes, I would. I suppose no one will get hurt if they never learn the truth. And if you were only going to put the baby up for adoption anyway, my parents would be the perfect choice.”
Relief soared through Bree’s body and she leaned back in the hard wooden chair. She had thought her plan was about to come crashing around about her, but now that Andrew knew, things might work out even better.
“Would you come to my house with me soon? I need to pick up some more money.”
“Don’t you keep your money in a bank?”
“Normally I do, but I left money in my room at home.” Bree didn’t like telling Andrew a lie now that he was helping her, but she knew he wouldn’t go to the house with her if he knew she was going to have to steal money from her parents to support herself for the next few months. It was the only way she could get any money.
“Did you work?”
“I was between jobs and deciding what to do with my life. I don’t think I’m the type to go to college and study. I have a problem with concentration.”
“What did you do for work?”
Bree looked away, not happy about having to tell another lie. But how could she tell this hard-working Amish man that she’d never worked a day in her life and had been supported by the very people she’d been bitterly complaining about? “I’m sorry, Andrew, I just lied to you.” She saw his eyebrows scrunch together and lines appear in his forehead.
“What did you lie about?” he asked.
“I’ve never worked. My parents gave me an allowance and it is true about me trying to figure out what to do with my life. All I know is that a baby can’t be part of it. I just want to find something that I enjoy doing so I can feel fulfilled.”
“What do you enjoy doing?”
“I don’t know; it’s hard to say. I guess I’ll have to try a few things to figure that out. Do you like building?”
“Yes I do like building, but I’d still have to do it even if I didn’t like it. You have to do something to bring the money in.”
“I guess I’m just useless. That’s what my parents say to me all the time.”
He gave a little laugh. “Sounds like you’re feeling sorry for yourself.”
“I am totally sorry for myself. I’m in a bad situation, so I do feel sad for myself.”
“Cheer up, you’ve got me to help you through. I’ll be your friend and take Simon’s place.”
“You’ll be my friend for real?”
“For real.”
“That makes me feel so much better.”
“When we go back to your house to get your money, will your parents be there?”
“I don’t think so.”
“You could try telling them the truth and see what happens. They could surprise you.”
“They must never know.”
He rubbed his forehead and shook his head. “I can’t believe this is all happening. It seems we lived a quiet life until you showed up.”
Her lips formed a pout. “Sorry! I feel bad about everything.”
“There’s no need to feel bad it’s just that it’s an unbelievable situation – this whole thing. I find it hard to learn that your parents don’t care about you having a baby. I thought Englishers would be more accepting of things like that.”
“My parents aren’t like regular people.”
“I haven’t had much to do with Englishers but your parents do sound odd if what you’ve said is true.”
“I’m not lying about them, Andrew.”
“I don’t think you were lying about them, at all.”
“Oh.” She looked down into her tea.
“Do you want me to get you more tea? That’ll be cold by now.”
“Do you have time?”
He nodded and stood up to order more hot drinks. She closed her eyes and for the first time since Simon’s death, she felt a fleeting moment where she sensed peace. Andrew had said he’d keep her secret and be her friend. Maybe Simon was watching over her and had found her another friend. And if Andrew was willing to keep her secret, that’s exactly what he was.
Andrew sat opposite her again and smiled at her. “Hello,” he said with a big smile.
She smiled back at him.
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. Going through all this on your own. Don’t forget, though, you’re not on your own now.”
Bree smiled at him, glad he was doing his best to help her. It couldn’t have been easy for him to make the choice to keep a secret from his parents. “That’s how I feel; I’m not alone any longer and it’s so good to finally share my secret with someone. I’ve been alone most of my life and Simon was the first person I felt I could truly be myself with.”
“What was your friendship like with him?”
“It might have been an attraction of opposites. He was wild and crazy—the life of the party and I’m quieter. I met him at a club when he was there with his friends. Our eyes met and later we talked. It was like we’d known each other before; we talked until morning. I didn’t even have anything in common with him, but it was so easy to talk with him. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I’ve never had an instant attraction to anybody. It wasn’t like a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, it was like a brother-sister thing.” She shook her head and looked at the table. “It’s something I just can’t even explain and it sounds weird to say it out loud. I suppose you think I’m doubly mad to be saying all these things.”
“I don’t think you’re mad, crazy, or any of those other things. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. If that’s how you felt when you met my brother then that’s how you felt. You don’t have to apologize for it or explain it away. As long as it made sense to you and my brother, that’s all that should matter.”
She looked him in the eye and he made her see how apologetic she’d been for too long.
“Was my brother really that wild and crazy?”
“Yes, he was. He said he was getting everything out before he went back. His friends were a group of boys who liked to race cars.”’
“I know; I met some of them.”
Bree nodded. “I was supposed to go that night but I didn’t feel well.”
“It’s a good thing you didn’t go.”
“I suppose it was. I just wonder if I should’ve told him not to race, but I didn’t. There had been no accidents before.” Bree stood up. “I think I need fresh air.”
“Sure. We’ve been here long enough; let’s go.”
Once they climbed up into the buggy, Andrew turned it around and they headed back.
“My phone,” Bree blurted out.
“Did you leave it?”
“Yes, I left it charging on the table. I switched it off when it beeped and left it there.”
“Don’t panic. We’ll go back.” They weren’t that far from the café so he turned the buggy back around, and then stopped at the first place he could. It was not that far from the café. “You stay here, I'll go and get it.”
“Okay,” Bree answered, staring at the café. Considering the place hadn’t been that crowded she hoped her phone wouldn’t have got stolen in that short space of time.
Moments later, when she looked up she saw Andrew coming towards her and when he saw that she was looking he waved her phone in the air.
When he climbed in next to her, she reached for the phone and charger and said, “Thank you. I don’t know why I forgot it. I’m not normally a forgetful person.”
“You’ve had a lot on your mind.”
“I suppose that’s true. I’m just so glad it was still there.”
As they got closer to home Andrew asked, “Would you like to come with me when I go to collect Cora?”
Bree didn’t have to think too hard. If it was between staying home with Mr. and Mrs. Stauffer and going somewhere with her new best friend, the logical choice would be to go with him. “Yes, I’d like that, thank you.”
“You’d probably like the singings. They’re a lot livelier than the Sunday morning songs and there are so many young people there.”
“Sounds good I suppose.”
He laughed.
“What’s funny?”
“You don’t sound enthusiastic.”
“It’s hard to be excited about anything right now. There are so many things I’m uncertain about, like whether your parents will adopt my baby.”
“You’re convinced that’s the only option?”
“More than anything. I think that’s why I met Simon – so I could give my baby a good life.”
“The Lord works in strange ways. My parents prayed for another child many times, I’m certain of that. They wanted many more than three children.”
“Simon told me that.”
“If you believe what you said about God bringing Simon to you, then relax. Everything will work out.”
“I didn’t say it was God.”
He glanced over at her with a frown. “Isn’t that what you meant?”
“I don’t know if I believe in God; I think there might be some kind of destiny worked out for everyone, or some universal power of some kind, but I’m not convinced about the whole God thing. Simon and I used to talk about it a lot.”
He looked at the road ahead. “I didn’t know – sorry I just assumed you meant God brought Simon into your life.”
“God, the universe, or destiny, it could all be the same thing.”
“No! God is God.”
Bree kept silent. She didn’t want to argue about religious beliefs, nor was she there to convince anyone of anything, particularly when she had no clear idea of what she believed regarding God or spirituality.
When they got home, Andrew stopped the buggy near the front door. “You can get out here, I’ll unhitch the buggy up near the barn. We’ve got about three hours before we need to leave for Cora.”
“Thank you, Andrew. And thanks for agreeing to help me.”
He smiled and nodded.
When she stepped down from the buggy she turned around to face him. “Would your parents be home?”
“They usually stay out visiting until late and have dinner at their friends’ place.”
“Okay.” Bree headed to the house, glad that she could relax and be herself. She closed the front door behind her and went into her room. After switching her cell phone on briefly, she checked to see if she had any messages. There were none. She turned it off, and tossed it and the charger into her suitcase and then lay down on the bed. How she wished she could fast-forward a whole year – these next few months were months she wished she could avoid.
She closed her eyes and pretended she was not pregnant, she didn’t have to live a lie, and that she was someone else who had a better life.