Bold = male actor (mostly Neil)

Neutral = female actor (mostly Mandy)

Italics is live dialogue whether bold… or neutral.

Lines can be reassigned as seen fit, taken as stage directions, etc.

(There are also occasional stage directions in brackets for clarity.)

This edition features the full-length version of the play. A slightly shortened version was first performed at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

This text went to press before the end of rehearsals and so may differ slightly from the play as performed.