Breaking It Off
I had been thinking things over. A lot of things. I love Dakari, and he loves me. In my heart, I know we’re meant to be together.
So I started talking to the Lord. “You know, Lord,” I whispered, as I continued to pray before my boyfriend came over, “I thank You for hearing my prayers. And even though I know I don’t deserve it, You have also answered them. Only You know how strong my feelings are for Dakari. And, well, I almost lost him because I didn’t wanna have sex. I can’t make that mistake again. I’m ready to be intimate with him, and I plan on going for it tonight. Knowing You like I do, I know this information doesn’t sit well. However, God, understand that I love him. For all practical purposes, we’re married in my heart. I can’t see myself with anyone else. So, before I act on this, I’m asking for forgiveness, even though I kinda, sorta, don’t consider this a sin. Hopefully, You won’t either, because I can’t foresee anything stopping me.”
I had been waiting for about an hour. It was now six-thirty in the evening. I started getting paranoid.
“I wonder what could be keeping him,” I uttered to myself out loud. “It’s not like Dakari to be late. Maybe he doesn’t wanna straighten things out after all. Or worse, he could be with Starr.”
The thought of the two of them together made my stomach churn. But before I could speculate anymore, my brother stormed through the door. He was huffing and puffing about something.
“What’s rattling you?” I asked.
Perry shouted, “Shoot, we just got out of practice. Coach tried to kill us.”
“Had Dakari left when you—?” I questioned before being rudely cut off.
“What’s up Payton? Why are you asking me about that chump?” my brother asked as he noticed my purse and keys in my hand. “I know you’re not waiting for him!”
I stated, “I can handle my relationship, thank you kindly.”
“Sis, everyone in the locker room was giving him props for landing the hottest new chick in school. Don’t be stupid,” my brother said.
Before I could respond, I heard a car horn. So, I grabbed my jacket and dashed out the door. My brother held my arm.
“Be careful!” Perry voiced with concern. “I’m telling you, He is dating that—”
I pulled away saying, “Yeah, yeah, yeah!”
As I walked to the car, I totally ignored Perry’s voice. It was like all the things he said went in one ear and out the other. The only thing I could think about was being intimate with my guy.
Gosh, I’ve dreamed of that moment for years. I wondered, what would it be like? Would it hurt? Would I be good? Would I satisfy him? Shucks, would I even want to do it again?
I’ve always imagined it being romantic. You know, candles everywhere; tall ones, fat ones, scented ones, and green ones. Soft music is a must in my dream. Or maybe it should just be spontaneous. In a way, planning it out seems wrong somehow.
“Hey, baby,” I began as I entered the car, “where are we going?”
Dakari mumbled, “Over to my crib.”
As I leaned over to kiss him on the cheek I replied, “Well, I was thinking about going someplace a little more private.”
“My crib will be cool,” Dakari explained. “Remember, my folks are in Atlanta with Drake?”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right. They’re meeting with sports agents. Your place is perfect,” I said.
Dakari was unusually quiet. Actually, his silence reminded me of the other day when we drove to Athens. Even though he seemed distant, this time I didn’t sweat it. See, I knew that in a few minutes we’d be closer than ever.
“Are you hungry?” Dakari asked when he finally spoke.
I answered, “Yep! How ’bout we go to our favorite place.”
“I was just thinking that same thing,” Dakari added. “Let’s just get it to go though. We really need to spend all of our time talking. What time do you have to be home anyway?”
“Around nine o’clock, since we have school tomorrow,” I informed him.
He confidently said, “Oh, you’ll be home way before that!”
We pulled into Mr. Tokyo’s for Japanese cuisine. This summer we ate here faithfully, once a week. Chicken teriyaki, always the same delicious dish.
As Dakari went in to get the food, I reflected on our summer. We had such a blast. I truly hated it was over. You know the saying, “Opposites attract”? Basically we are the opposite of that statement. Mostly, we like the same things.
Other than being apart for our usual routine of work and practice, we were inseparable. I worked at my dad’s dealership, and Dakari worked at J. B. White’s Department Store in the men’s section. On Fridays we’d both take off and volunteer at the YMCA. We were the best lifeguards they had. All the children loved us.
Much of our fun came when we hung out with the crew. Every weekend it seemed we were into something. But nothing tops the time we went to Savannah.
Lynzi’s father is an attorney, and his firm owns a time-share beachfront property. When it was her dad’s turn to use the place, he took all of us. Lynzi, Dymond, Rain, and myself stayed in the cabin with her father, Mr. Jackson. He was nice enough to put the guys up in a hotel. We all told Lynzi that her dad was really special to do that. However, she insisted that he only did it out of guilt. She claims he never spends time with her. You see, he lives in Atlanta. He’s been there ever since her folks got divorced eight years ago.
Whatever the reason, Mr. Jackson set the place out. We went crabbing, canoeing, hiking, cycling, touring, and best of all, shopping on his dime. The only bad thing was Lynzi’s surprise.
Mr. Jackson kept saying, “I’ve got a surprise for you, baby, and you’re going to love it.”
Well, we were down there for four days. And the day we were to leave, the surprise came. It, or should I say she, was his twenty-eight-year-old fiancée. Needless to say, Lynzi was furious. She pitched such a fit that her dad called off his engagement!
We ate our dinner in the kitchen. As Dakari poured the sodas, I asked him if he remembered our trip to Savannah.
“How could I ever forget,” he murmured. “I spent half of my summer earnings on that private dinner cruise. But listen, that’s not what I wanna discuss!”
“I’ve got something to tell you too,” I said with a smile.
After we finished gobbling down our food, I grabbed Dakari’s hand and led him down the hall. While walking, I was so happy we were together. When we reached his room, I went to kiss him.
“Payton, no,” he cautioned. “I really need to tell you something.”
“We can talk after,” I whispered.
For about three minutes or so, I’d say we were definitely enjoying the passion. Dakari gently caressed his fingers through my head, mangling my flip. Never before had I dared to go any further. But at that moment, I was contemplating everything.
God must not have wanted that for me. For it was at that moment that Dakari pulled away from me. The next words he uttered were shockers.
“I’m not down with this,” he informed me while buttoning up his pants.
I retorted, “What do you mean, you don’t want this? All you’ve been talking about was this.”
I leaned forward to resume rubbing his chest.
He replied, “Payton, please just sit down and listen to me. This is hard enough on me, without you making it harder. Chill!”
“What!” I said backing off of him and then sitting on the bed. “What’s so important that it can’t wait ’til after we’re intimate?”
“I don’t love you!” he dared to say.
“Huh … what are you saying? I don’t … I don’t understand,” I said softly.
Dakari began, “Remember when we first decided to go together? We made a pact. Don’t you know what I’m talking about?”
“Yeah! If one of us ever felt that they didn’t want to be committed, then the other … ” I uttered, not being able to bring myself to say the rest.
“The other would immediately let go with no qualms,” he reminded me.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing—Dakari saying he didn’t love me. I surely thought I’d never see that day. He went on to say that he wanted out because there was someone else. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know that this other person was the new girl, Starr.
He admitted everything. Last night, he lost his virginity with a complete stranger. I was furious!
“Why would you do this, Dakari? You met this girl last night at the barbecue place. How could you just up and sleep with someone you don’t even know? You were suppose to share that moment with me, not some chick you just met!” I shouted while pacing the floor.
He informed, “I’ve known Starr since the Fourth of July. She wasn’t a stranger.”
“Are you kidding? You mean you’ve been cheating on me for two whole months?” I yelled.
“No, Payton,” he said calmly. “After you left my house on the Fourth, Drake, his girl, and I headed to the mall. Well, when we got there I let them go their way, so they could have privacy. I just … sort of ran into this girl, and we started talking,” Dakari stated.
“How could you just sort of run into a girl at the mall and carry on a whole conversation. Something had to attract you to her. For goodness’ sake, think about what you’re telling me. You’d just left me and we had had a great time over here. If I recall, you came and picked me up later. We went to the base and saw fireworks,” I argued.
Dakari responded, “Look, I’m not going there with you. Whether you believe me or not, when Starr and I met, there was nothing between us.”
I replied, “Well, if it was so innocent, then when we hooked up that night how come you didn’t mention this girl?”
“I didn’t even know her myself, really,” he remarked. “After that day we talked as friends for weeks. She was new here and she didn’t know anybody. So I wanted to help her get—”
Cutting him off, I said with my heart breaking, “If you wanted to help her get adjusted, you could have introduced her to your friends. Nothing more, you should have at least let her meet me. Your GIRLFRIEND!”
“I tried,” he demanded, “but she didn’t want to meet anyone until school started. That’s not even important anymore. The point is, you and I weren’t seeing eye-to-eye. I was vulnerable. Starr filled a void that you couldn’t.”
Tears started to stream down my face like a river as I said, “Yeah, that’s what your precious Starr said to me in the hall. Only, I was so stupid that I didn’t believe her.”
“You gotta believe I didn’t mean for you to find out like that,” Dakari admitted.
I ran out of the room and locked myself in the bathroom. I was devastated. The pain felt like someone had just stuck a knife in my heart and twisted it. Never before had I felt so alone. This hurt much, much worse than the pain this morning.
All of a sudden I heard something louder than my cry. It was the phone ringing. I settled down to listen to Dakari.
“Hey baby,” I heard him say in the sexy voice he always gave to me! “Yeah, I told her, but she’s not taking it too well. …. You can count on it baby. …. I’ll be back soon from dropping her home.”
Before he hung up, I heard him make a kissing noise to the phone. I couldn’t take this. There was no way I could allow this newcomer to snatch my man. I went back to his room and started to undress.
“Payton, what? You trippin’,” Dakari said, obviously stunned.
I basically attacked him. But throwing myself on him wasn’t working. He walked out of the room. I just fell to the floor, with my ego shattered. However, I picked up what little pride I had left and headed to the family room to try a different approach.
“Okay baby, I forgive you. We—we can just put all of this behind us. I know you didn’t mean what you said. You love me. This girl, I know she’s cute with a nice body and all, but that physical stuff can’t compete with what we’ve built. Don’t throw it away. Don’t throw us away! I won’t let you, Dakari. I can’t let you go. Say you won’t leave me—say it,” I said out of exasperation.
He didn’t go for that either. When he rejected me that time, I felt like a huge part of me died. He tried to calm me, but none of his tactics worked.
Dakari pacified me by saying, “You’ll get over me in no time. I couldn’t let you have sex with me and go against your beliefs. You’ll thank me later.”
Mom’s words came rushing back to me in a flood. “If you have to get a boy that way, he’s not worth it. You have to look at the long haul. Is he good for fifty years, or just for a few passionate nights?”
The ride home seemed endless. I wanted to speak, but no words were right. When he dropped me off, I knew that nothing would be the same again.
I could not bring myself to walk in the front door. I knew my brother would be waiting to grill me. Part of me hesitated to admit, even to myself, what had just happened. Thoughts of Dakari being out of my life were making me lose my mind. I felt that I had to do something. But what?
It quickly became clear that in order to win him back, I had to study the competition. From the earlier phone call, I knew that Dakari would probably be seeing Starr. So, I hopped in my jeep and followed him. I had never before done anything so crazy. However, I’d never been in such dire straits. Starr had what belonged to me, and the only way to get him back was to see what she’s got.
Where’s he going? I thought to myself as he turned into the shopping center. He went in the grocery store. It was weird that he was in such a rush that he parked haphazardly in the handicapped spot.
“Gosh, he shouldn’t be hungry. We just ate. Is he buying food? Oh my, he’s gonna cook for her,” I said nervously to myself.
About five minutes later, Dakari came bursting out of the store with a bouquet of flowers. They were the prettiest things I’d ever seen when it came to an arrangement. It had all kinds: lilies, tulips, lilacs, and roses. I know it sounds busy; but trust me, they were gorgeous.
“He can’t be giving her those!” I uttered in despair.
Shoot, I only got flowers twice. And we dated for two years. Once was for our junior prom and the other time was for my seventeenth birthday this summer. Truthfully, I had to whine and gripe to get those. That’s just like a dog. I do all the work, training him and things, only to have some other owner take him and reap the benefits.
When we reached his house, I parked on the street a few houses down. Starr was sitting in her classic red BMW convertible, waiting on him. I was so mad that I was too far away to eavesdrop. When he reached her car door, I thought I was gonna throw up. He gently leaned down and helped her out of the car with his free hand. She stepped out dressed like a floozy, if you asked me, in that faded leopard print minidress.
Even though I thought the dress was ugly, I could tell Dakari loved it. He was twirling her around and all so she could model it. Then from behind his back, he suddenly sprang the flowers. Tacky Starr must have liked his gesture but not necessarily the flowers, the way she tossed them into her car. Then she pulled Dakari close to her, too close for my eyes. When she kissed him, their passion blinded me.
I felt like a real private investigator. The way I was all slumped down in the seat, you’d have thought I had done this before. I don’t know why spying came natural, but it did.
Their embrace got so intense that I wondered why they didn’t take it inside. How gross! To watch them all over each other in the middle of the street was too much. Granted, it was dark outside, but still! Even though I was against their actions, the thought that Dakari was never that carefree with me made me angrier.
Since they were standing clearly in front of me, I wanted to run them down. Being that this thing had me a tad shaken up, I did something very crazy. I placed my jeep in drive and pressed hard on the gas. The two of them were so preoccupied that they never heard the roaring engine slashing towards them. Somewhere in those sixty feet, I lost my nerve. Slamming on brakes just inches away from them, I stopped.
“ARE YOU CRAZY?” Starr yelled, as my loud horn and bright lights made them unlock from their embrace.
Dakari stepped away from her, saying, “I’ll handle this, Starr. Here, take my key and wait for me in the house, please.”
As she went inside, she passed by my window and gave me an evil look. Although what I had just done was completely dumb, in a weird way, I felt happy. For a brief moment, I got to break up Dakari and Starr. Boy, was she steaming mad. It was about time that she got to feel some of what I was experiencing. It’s like the whole frustrating situation made me feel like a Mack truck had rolled over me.
“So you wanna get out of the car, or what?” Dakari asked.
I exclaimed, “Sure!” as if he had just asked me out on a date.
Before I could shut my door and face him, he shouted, “What’s up with this race car stuff? Huh, Payton?”
“Don’t yell at me,” I demanded.
Dakari said, “I thought I knew you!”
“Yeah,” I uttered, “join the club, ’cause I thought I knew you, too!”
“Can’t you just accept that it’s over between us?” Dakari questioned.
I answered with a most sincere heart, “At this point, I honestly don’t know. For the longest time, I’ve loved you. Goodness, Dakari, you know I wanted to marry you. Now either you were lying all this time or you felt the same way. Which is it?”
“You know I wasn’t lying or acting or pretending. None of that. What I felt … was deep and real.” He paused for a second, then clinched my face with a sensual touch and said, “But Payton, I feel none of those things for you anymore.”
Dakari let go of my face just as he finished his last word. He tried to walk away, but I jumped in front of him. I refused to let him just leave me like that. Yet, just before I begged and pleaded, I noticed something different about Dakari that numbed me.
It wasn’t his words. It wasn’t his actions. It was his eyes. Never had I seen such a stare of frustration. It was finally clear to me that I had lost my guy. Feeling dejected, I said nothing. I just got in my car and left.
It was about 10:30 P.M. when I got home. Of course, I got a lecture. My mother must have sensed my despair because she didn’t come down that hard on me. She asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to open up to her. She’d never understand. Although she liked Dakari, she said on several occasions that I was getting too attached to him. Giving my mom this news might make her night. I couldn’t deal with that right now on top of everything else.
My brother didn’t ask me, but when I passed his room I told him it was over with Dakari. Growing up, Perry always loved to prove me wrong. However, I guess he knew I was already wounded too badly to sustain another blow. He didn’t hurt me worse by saying, “I told you so!”
Both Perry and I had had our own separate phone lines for a few years now. As I washed my face in the bathroom that was adjoining to both our rooms, I heard his line ring. It was clear that he was talking about me.
“Yep, she’s back,” he said softly in the receiver, hoping I could not hear. “I don’t know what that chump said. …. She didn’t go into details. … Yeah, you should dial her up. I know she needs to commiserate with someone. … Oh, I don’t care. You can tell her I told you … She should know it was out of luv. … Peace, Rain, bye!”
I was so out of it. About fifteen minutes later, my phone rang. How quickly I had forgotten that it was probably Rain.
I answered the phone with hope saying, “Dakari?”
“You gotta let it go, Payton,” I heard Dymond’s voice say through the phone. “It’s not Dakari. It’s us.”
“Hello!” Rain said.
“Hey,” Lynzi uttered.
I asked them, “Who called who?” sounding agitated, but clearly deep down I was glad to hear from them.
“I called Dymond. Dymond called Lynzi, on the three-way. Then Miss Lynzi called you,” Rain explained.
“Getting to the point,” Dymond said frankly, “we just called to let you know, we know! You know, about you and Dakari breaking up. Not to be insensitive, but you must get over that jerk.”
Lynzi started with caution in her tone, “I know we had it out earlier, but you know I love ya. You’re my girl. Dymond’s right for a change. Don’t let this keep you down.”
“We’re here for you, Payton. Whatever you do, don’t close yourself off from us,” piped up Rain.
I uttered, “I don’t know what you guys expect from me. I have no supernatural strength. All I know is that it feels like my main organ has been donated without my permission. Someone has given my heart to Starr Love and I’m left to die. Believe me, I’m trying with everything in me to hold it together. But, guys … this hurts. I wanna be strong. It’s just not that easy … it’s not easy breaking it off!”