There you are, Payton,” Laurel said as she grabbed some of the bags out of my arms and helped me to the chair.
She sat down next to me on her bed, opened the refrigerator, and popped a Coke for me. She wanted to hear about Branson badly. I guess she thought the news that I was going to give her would make her night, but I knew full well it would definitely be the opposite of that. I had just gotten back from Augusta. Surely this could have waited.
Lord, give me the words to say to this girl. I’m about to break her heart. This is not going to be easy. Help me make it medicine to her soul. Please, Lord, I prayed as I took a sip from the cold, refreshing drink.
“Why are you hesitating? It’s not good news, is it? He doesn’t want to be with me, huh? Well, did you tell him how much I still loved him? How much I still cared?” With her head hanging low, she continued, “Sometimes I’m tempted to say I’d be willing…”
“Listen to yourself,” I said to her as I put down the Coke. “Don’t belittle your beliefs to keep Branson. He’s a jerk, and you’re worth way more than he could offer or give.”
“It’s easy for you to say, Payton. You’re moving on with your life. I just got a message from you the other day saying you were out on a date. I can’t go out on dates. It’s not that easy for me to meet somebody new.”
“You’ve had somebody new before. Why can’t you do it again?”
Laurel told me that she liked someone from her high school. However, it was clear that she didn’t want to talk about it. So I tried to encourage and not push.
“Why do you think that? Look at you.” I stood, pulled her from the bed and over to the mirror we had on the back of our closet door. “I see a beautiful girl with gorgeous hair, a wonderful personality; and any guy, including Branson, would be stupid to pass you up. If he does, it will be his loss. Move on. As my friends say, ‘You got it goin’ on. Later for that brotha.’ Well, maybe he’s not a brotha, but you know what I’m sayin’.”
I was trying to be silly. Secretly, I was hoping she would grab hold of my comical attitude and push past the pain. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.
She fell to the floor and let out uncontrollable sobs. I had no idea college was going to be this hard. And though I didn’t want to be dealt this hand, as I looked down at my new friend in her dark hour, I knew I had to step in. I had to find some way to pull her out of this. On my way home to the dorm, I’d noticed a church was having a revival. If we got dressed, we could make it. Maybe that’s what we both needed, a revival—and renewal. We needed to look to God and trust Him instead of ourselves to find this hope. Get rid of some of that junk and cling to some hope. Hope that only a heavenly Father could bring.
I don’t know how I convinced Laurel to go. We sat in a small church that was packed. I could tell Laurel was uncomfortable. She was the only white person there. It was a small, black country church. As soon as people started jumping around and dancing in the aisles and screaming “Hallelujah,” without the preacher saying anything, I started to get a little uncomfortable myself.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t an uppity black Christian or anything, but this just wasn’t my style. People laying hands on folks, pushing them to the floor. I had seen it on TV but never up close before. I wondered if there really was true inner healing going on, or if it was just a show.
As the music grew louder and louder, Laurel started to look around. She clutched her purse tightly. What was that about? I wondered.
“They ain’t gonna take nothin’,” I said to her, quite irritated.
Quietly Laurel asked, “Is your church at home like this?”
I noticed two women being fanned by ushers because they had the Spirit, and I said, “No, my church at home isn’t like this.”
But before I could get all worked up and feel that this was beneath me and that I could never find God in this little cubbyhole, something came over me. I wouldn’t have been led here unless God wanted to teach me something. So as the pastor got up to preach, I listened intently.
“Church,” the tall, dark-skinned man with the royal blue robe said, “I want to talk about Philippians. Church, if you would turn your Bible to the fourth chapter.”
He was talking about Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
As I realized that both Laurel and I had some real problems with our self-image, I knew why we were sent here. Both of us had gotten so wrapped up in ourselves—our body, our skills, our talents, and our attractiveness to others —that we forgot to focus on God. This little country pastor was going to speak to us. We both needed to hear his words.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can, I can, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can do all things through my Christ who gives me strength,” the pastor echoed. “As we have another school year upon us, I found myself asking the Lord, ‘Lord, what do You want me to tell the church? What do You want me to tell my children as they prepare to go back to school? How can I prepare the members of Bald Rock Baptist Church to be more than conquerors in You?’ And Church, He led me to this passage, and this passage is hope for us all!”
“Amen!” someone shouted from the back of the room.
There was no air conditioning, and fans were going back and forth across the room. Earlier, I was sweating, but at that moment sweat was not a thought. Hope for us all. His last words were lingering in my head. Talk, Pastor; I want to hear what you have to say. Preach on.
“When our kids go back to school, you go back to your job, and the newness of everything sets in, situations may be somewhat difficult. I encourage you to keep your eyes on Jesus Christ. To know when it’s hard to get out of the bed because all summer long you have been sleeping until the noonday hour. When your alarm clock goes off, and you have no strength, and you want to stay under the covers, you need to make sure you pray. Pray something like, ‘Lord, thanks for waking me up this morning and for starting me on my way.’ Somehow, someway, the Lord will blow wind into your body and raise you up. The mere thought that you started with Him in mind means that it is going to be a great day with endless possibilities.”
He was coming to the end of his sermon, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Laurel smile at me the same way I smiled at her. I couldn’t see us worshiping at this church on a regular basis, but on that night, a night when we had no words to encourage each other, the Lord led us to Bald Rock. As the pastor closed out his service, I was so glad that He led us there, because I was truly being fed.
“So, Church, when you feel things don’t go the way you want them to, when you feel you don’t know how stuff will work out, when you feel you are down and depressed because your future looks anything but bright, believe in the One who is within you. Know that the Holy Spirit will work it out. Know that He will give you what you need, and He will show you the plan. Be encouraged, saints. If you’re with Him, He will give you hope. So hold on. It says in Matthew with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
On our way out of the building, Laurel and I were hand in hand. We stopped to let the pastor know how much he had blessed us. As we left Bald Rock, we both had hope.
Two days later, I was sitting with Dakari in the guest area of my dorm. He had called and said he needed to see me right away. We hadn’t talked since his game on Saturday when he had scored another exploding touchdown. The boy was bad. He had a couple of interviews in the local paper. He was on Coach Eckerds’s television show, and a lot of people on campus were starting to recognize him. I could tell that firsthand as girls walked by and squealed at his presence.
“So, you’re just a big-time celebrity now, huh?” I teased him.
“Yeah, yeah, they give me some recognition. You know, Payton, I never thought that I would get to play on this level this early. My brother didn’t even line up until his sophomore year. My parents are proud.”
I questioned, “What about you? Are you proud of yourself?”
“No doubt, no doubt,” he said with confidence, “but what I wanted to talk to you about is your boy.”
I huffed because I knew he was going to mention Tad. Tad and I hadn’t talked since I saw him at the movies that Friday night. I might have been one of the last people that could give advice about what was going on with Tad, but I listened anyway.
“He’s been moping around the room. He’s been playa hatin’ basically.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, you know, because I’m getting to play. Though I’m not on offense like I wanna be. I’m in my regular position on special teams, and I’m making some big-time plays that are changing the game around for us. With the field position I give them, I’m in there. To be honest, I thought he would be starting before me. He’s got talent in the back-field, but I’ve really found my niche. After getting over the initial shock of being the deep man, I’m making guys miss.”
“Well, I know you, too, Dakari. And you can be very … well, how do I say this …?”
“Say it. Just say it. It’s just me and you.”
“You kind of brag and show off. It’s probably got him a little upset.”
“Oh, so you’re saying that I’m bringing this on myself. C’mon, Payton. I can’t go for that. Just talk to him for me. Tell him that his day is coming, and he don’t need to front me like that. Besides if he keeps on tryin’ to downplay my skills and keeps gettin’ all up in my face, then it’s gonna be on in our room. He’s ain’t actin’ like no Christian.”
“What does his desire to want to play have to do with him being a Christian?”
“I don’t know. I guess it’s the way he’s been handling it. You’re suppose to be happy for your brotha, your roommate, your teammate, and if anybody should be actin’ jealous, it should have been me. Shoot, I have problems with my own brother,” Dakari expressed, “but I’m not there yet. That’s out on the table. I’m not saying I believe in God and I love everybody. Yet when people have good stuff going on for them, I don’t trip out like he’s doing. That’s not me. I say what I do. Your boy ain’t doin’ that. He’s being hypercritical. You really need to talk to him. That’s why I came over here, and he’s really getting on a side that I can’t control. Shoot, we can’t go at it for real, or we’ll get kicked out of school. We don’t get any more chances, no matter how good I’m playing. You know that’s why we’re rooming together now.”
Dakari was right. As far as the coach was concerned, the two of them had to coexist or they wouldn’t exist on the field. But I wasn’t supposed to help in that. It had nothing to do with me.
“And don’t you go thinking you have to stay out of this,” Dakari said as if he read my mind.
“It doesn’t have anything to do with me. This is about football.”
“Yeah, but why do you think we have tension in the first place? Because of you and old high school stuff. I’m past it, and I’ve moved on, but he still likes you. I can respect that because you’re a great woman.”
I wanted to say, “Oh, and you don’t like me?” but before I could, my suite mate Jewels walked up, throwing her red hair from one side to the other.
“Payton! This is your boyfriend. We saw you the other day. When Payton came up to the fraternity house to watch the game on TV, and you scored, she just told everybody how in love the two of you are.”
I looked at her as if she were clearly out of her mind. I wanted to snatch her up out of Dakari’s face. She was clearly exaggerating the truth.
“Girlfriend? We’re good friends, but I’m free,” Dakari said, trying to rap to her.
I couldn’t say Jewels was prejudiced, but I remembered when Tad and Dakari broke the window in our dorm room, she thought they were animals. She didn’t even want to room with me because she thought that being with me was going to ruin her chances of getting into the sorority of her choice. But I’m not stupid. Dakari is popular, so white or black, if she gets with him, her popularity rises as well. He was such a player. All he cared about was getting as many digits as he could.
Starr Love, you ruined this guy. I thought about the high school chick who came between us. He was never this ruthless.
After Starr was finished with Dakari, she went on to date many other guys. Though he never admitted it, I could tell he was really hurt. That’s why he tried to get back with me, so he could have someone with substance and quality. He wanted a relationship that meant something, but I guess because I was so wishy-washy he was through with me too. Now that he was balling, he was able to get with a lot of girls, and Jewels was trying to be one of them.
“Payton, you told this girl I was your boyfriend?”
“No, I didn’t … Why do I have to explain myself? Jewels, we’re talking.”
Jewels attacked. “So you lied, Payton?”
I was so angry at that moment.
“Well, your stock went down with me, young lady,” Jewels said as if her approval made or broke my day.
“I don’t have to lie,” I told her. “It just got blown out of proportion. I was trying to say ex-boyfriend, and before I knew it people were saying boyfriend. Everybody was just excited about the game.”
“Yeah, but you never went back to say that he wasn’t your boyfriend. You could have done it when things died down.”
“I could have, but I was doing other stuff. Not that I have to report to you!” I told her. “Dakari, are we finished here?”
I was a little ticked off at him too. How dare he front me in front of her? He didn’t know how much of a pain this girl was. Just because he wanted to be with somebody different didn’t mean he had to trip with me.
“Well, I’ll let you guys talk.” Jewels reached into her black Coach backpack and pulled out a black felt-tip pen. She opened up Dakari’s hand, and, as if in middle school, she wrote her number in his palm. I wanted to spit in it and erase it, but I did nothing.
She brushed past me. I was about sick of her stunts. She was trying the wrong gal.
“Don’t take too long to call me, Dakari. I’m sure that it will be one of the best phone calls you’ve ever made,” she said as she strutted along.
“Oh, so you’re into red hair and blue eyes now?” I asked him as I had to practically pick up his tongue and place it back into his mouth.
“No, but you know there wasn’t anything like that at Lucy Laney. Now white girls want me. It’s a different world, so I might as well explore it.”
“Since you’re so big and bad and want to explore the world, you need to handle your business and leave me out of it. I’ve got homework.” I got up and walked toward my room.
“Oh, why you gotta be like that?”
“Whatever, Dakari.”
Where does time go? I thought as I sat in church that Sunday with Laurel. She had twisted my arm into going to church with her. She said it was only fair since she went with me. Her father had given us a referral. Supposedly, it was like her church at home. It was all stiff and rigid, and all White. I had an attitude for about the first twenty minutes because it wasn’t my cup of tea.
As I thought about this not being my style, I remembered my mom told me that one of the past head officers of her sorority once said in a speech that, “Black women are like a tea bag. You never know how strong they are until you put them in a cup of hot water.” I equated that to my current situation. My hot water was being stared down by the whole congregation. Everyone was staring except my roommate, who I no longer assumed was naive but know is naive as to prejudices of the world. I started to realize that I had to sit up, be strong, and figure out why God had sent me there. Just like last week when we had gone to Bald Rock Baptist Church, God definitely had some info that I needed to receive.
The members of this church sang the hymns differently than we sang ours. However, I loved singing that day. The meaning was the same no matter which rhythm was used. When they sang “There’s a Sweet, Sweet Spirit,” I realized that, though different, it was so beautiful, and God was there. When I left the church, He was with me, too, and if He’s with me I don’t have to be depressed, miserable, or angry or any of the things that are not of the Spirit. I can have true love for all people. Maybe I could tell Tad the same thing.
“Excuse me, why do you always come in here while I’m in the bathroom!”
“Well, you don’t lock the door!” I said to Jewels in response to her rudeness.
“Well, actually, Payton, since you are in here, you could tell me what it is that your ex likes and dislikes. Since I am going on a date with him, I wanna make a good impression.”
“Well, I guess you better stay here, because if you’re gonna go out, the only impression he’s gonna get is that you’re a … I better not even say it because it rhymes with a word I don’t wanna use.”
“Payton, don’t be jealous. It is obvious that you are still infatuated with the guy. I have something that you don’t. He’s interested in going out with me.”
“Believe me, Jewels, if I wanted Dakari I could have him. You are getting my leftovers, and don’t you forget that. Now get out of the bathroom; I need to use it. You have a mirror in your room.”
“Are you gonna make me?”
“No, but if I have to use it with you in here I’ll do that.”
“You’re so disgusting, Payton,” she said as she walked out.
I wouldn’t have done that. I knew God wouldn’t be pleased with me cutting her down. Oh, that chick was getting on my nerves. I was ticked off that she was going out with Dakari. I would’ve chosen Shanay over Jewels. This was getting worse and worse, I realized. I had to stay out of Dakari’s life. He could do whatever he wanted. If he wanted to be stupid, then that was on him. He was definitely somebody that I didn’t need to be with. At least Tad went out on a date with some girl he knew from home. Dakari was getting these fruitcakes off the street.
I was in the bathroom for no more than two minutes. After washing my hands I came out to find Laurel crying once again. This was getting old, really, really old. She was more unhappy than I was, and I was getting sick of it. I didn’t want to say anything to her. I just wanted to wave my hand in the air and make it better. But since I had no such magic powers and didn’t believe in anything of that kind, I said aloud, “Lord, you need to deal with this because this girl is freaked out.”
I grabbed my keys and walked out of the door. I couldn’t handle this. I couldn’t deal with this. I could not sit here and listen about this Branson guy one more time. I had had enough.
When I got to the hallway, there was a girl walking around the dorm who seemed lost.
When she got to my door she said, “Excuse me, cleaning lady, I’m looking for …”
I stopped her dead in her tracks. “Excuse me? What did you say? I’m a student here.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were the … never mind. Do you live on the first floor? You must be that girl that is suite mate with my sister, Jewels.”
Sister, Jewels? Oh, my gosh. Those words almost made me pass out.
“I’m Julie Anne. I’m Jewels’s big sister. I’m a junior here. I’m looking for my sister’s room.”
Though I wanted to go off on this Julie Anne person thinking I was the maid, I just pointed to Jewels’s room. Before I could shut my door, she noticed Laurel crying. Julie Anne was an Alpha Gam, too, so she quickly went into my room uninvited and started to comfort Laurel.
“Could you please tell my sister I’m here?” she said to me.
“Yeah, all right,” I said.
“I’m trying to get ready,” Jewels said sarcastically after hearing the knock.
“Open up,” I told her.
“Why’d you come around this way?” Jewels asked. “Why didn’t you just come through the bathroom?”
“I was on my way out, and I just came to tell you that your sister is in there with Laurel. She wants you.”
“Oh, my gosh, my sister came to visit. I’m going out with Dakari. She will not like that. Please tell her I’m already gone.”
“I’m not lying for you. You handle that. ’Bye,” I articulated as I turned and walked out of the door.
Jewels wanted to go out with Dakari so that certain people could see her with the big football star, but she didn’t want her sister to see her with Dakari the black guy. I was so ticked. And that’s what Dakari deserved. He got himself in that mess.
“Hey!” Dakari said to me as I walked past his car. “You sure look nice. Where are you going?”
“Not with you.”
“Well, not today, but why don’t we go out tomorrow?”
“Dakari, you have got to be out of your mind. You have got to be stupid. I don’t know if those other ballplayers have changed you or if you just did this to yourself, but you’re crazy. Jewels is in there right now not wanting her sister to see you with her because you’re black. You want to go out with her because she’s white. This makes no sense,” I said, intensely frustrated.
“I don’t wanna go out with her just because she’s white. I wanna go out with her because she’s cute. I ain’t gonna take her home to my momma. You know my momma would freak out if I brought home a white girl. So that works both ways. We’re just playin’ right now, baby. Ain’t nothin’ serious goin’ on. We’re havin’ a good time. I’ll have a good time with you tomorrow if you want.”
“Boy, don’t make me lose my mind,” I said to him.
“Really? It’s like that?” he teased back.
“Whatever.”
“You see my game yesterday?” he asked.
“Yeah, no touchdown.”
“No touchdown, but I had three runbacks, all with seventy yards or more. I might not have scored, but I still had a great game. Oh, but you don’t know that much about football, do you?” he said, trying to get smart with me.
“Don’t go there with me. I’m not here to get a football degree. I’m here to get an education,” I came back at him. “Dakari, we were on the friends track, but now you are really starting to get on my nerves. You deserve to go out with Jewels. You two are probably gonna have a great time.”
As I walked away, I realized that I was becoming good at going off on people. I was an expert at being smart and snappy. That just was not me.
I always wear stuff on my sleeve. I needed to step back and not take things so seriously. What did I care if Dakari dated a white girl? I should be more concerned with a person’s salvation than her color. Supposedly, I’d just gotten over that hurdle.
The next week I was really in the same position. Dakari and Jewels were still together. Laurel was still a basket case. Tad still did not have playing time, and I still wasn’t digging any of my classes. The situations hadn’t changed, and neither had my attitude. I had become more resentful, more bitter, and more angry at everything and everybody. Somebody used my toothpaste, and I went off on all three of my suite mates. They thought the black chick was crazy before—well, now they knew it for certain after I told them not to use my stuff anymore.
I needed counseling. I needed a church home.
Lord, I prayed, I haven’t prayed all week, and it hasn’t been a fun one. Probably because I haven’t allowed You in it. Today is Sunday, so lead me somewhere to worship.
After I had gotten out of the shower, I turned on the TV and saw an old pastor my parents love, E. V. Hill, on Trinity Broadcasting Network. He kept saying, “Payday someday, payday someday.” I knew I had missed part of the sermon and didn’t know what he was talking about, but I just thought if I got connected with Christ, things would work out and that in the end it would all be worth it. However, if I was in heaven right now and had to testify, the Lord wouldn’t be happy about the last couple of weeks of my life. I was so far from Him. My phone rang and interrupted my thoughts.
“Hello,” I said, shaken.
“Payton, hey. It’s me, Tad.”
“Hey,” I voiced to him. “What’s going on?”
“Well, we’ve just finished watching film, and I’m trying to catch an eleven o’clock church service. Last week I went to a place called Double Springs Baptist Church, and it was great. I didn’t know if you were already gone or if you had church plans, but I’m headed out in about thirty minutes. Do you wanna roll with me?”
“I’d love to,” I said.
Hearing his voice was so refreshing, but hearing that he had found a good church home was just what I’d been praying for. I was surprised he wanted me to go with him.
So I asked him in the car, “Why’d you call me? I thought you were mad at me.”
“I don’t know. We’ve just been through a lot,” he said as he drove us to the church.
He was looking good in his three-piece suit. He was a gorgeous brotha. Although he was troubled within, he was fine without. But on this particular day on the way to church, I wasn’t trying to think about all that. So I quickly stopped looking at him and started focusing on why he had called me.
Tad then said, “It just came to me to ask if you wanted to go to church. I don’t even know what’s been going on with you. I just listened to that voice in my spirit and called you up. You might’ve hung up on me, but a brotha took a chance.”
We laughed. “You are so silly, Tad. I’m sorry for that.”
“It’s cool.”
When we drove into the parking lot of Double Springs Baptist Church, I felt a sense of home. It reminded me of where I had worshiped in Augusta. I liked that. It wasn’t a tiny church, nor was it huge.
The choir sung some hymns and some upbeat gospel tunes. All of the pieces touched my heart. There wasn’t any yelling or screaming but rocking and swaying. Though in the calmness, the Spirit was still there, and the congregation wasn’t stiff and rigid. I was definitely a happy person.
The pastor got up and started speaking from 1 Corinthians 13:2, “Though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” I realized that I hadn’t been there for Laurel or Tad. And since there was no love for Dakari, being that he was irritating me, I couldn’t have been his friend. That’s not what I was about. When I don’t have love, I can’t feel for other people, and I am not happy with myself.
“Church, this morning I’ll tell you that you’ve got to love God. Love Him, and He will give you the power to love anyone, including yourself. If you try to see the world through your own eyes, the injustices will make you so angry and so disappointed that you won’t be able to carry on. In contrast, if you see your own problems and challenges through the Lord’s eyes, then they won’t seem like problems at all. They’ll be little mountains that you must overcome. If you believe in Christ Jesus, He will give you the strength to overcome it. God will allow you to see every day as a great joy and journey.”
That was my problem. I was seeing every day as something miserable. And though I remember my dad telling me on the first day of classes it would be a positive day, I wasn’t seeing it that way. I wanted things my way. Since they weren’t, I didn’t want them at all. I never really thought about what God was doing. I never thought about His plan, only my own. I needed to know that He was in control and not me.
I needed to believe that. I needed to live that way. I needed to stay connected to people who were going to keep me on the right track. I needed to be in church, and I was so thankful that the Lord had led me to Double Springs.
Though I didn’t know Reverend White nor any other members, what I felt made me feel like I needed to come back. In order to honor God with every area of my life, I needed the guidance of a local church. Though it had taken me a couple of times, I had found a home at Double Springs. I was no longer trying out churches.