Looking at them kissing, I just wished I was more secure. I wished I wasn’t so wishy-washy. This back-and-forth feeling, this being between two guys, this feeling one way one minute and then feeling another way the next, was getting on my nerves.
As I tried to pick up my feet and walk past them, I couldn’t move. I was just staring at them as if they were on the big screen or something. With their lips locked together and their heads moving from one side to the other, they were really into it. I was really watching. The tears kept falling, and I couldn’t do anything about it.
Cammie saw and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“I’ve got to get out of here,” I told her. “I’ve got to go.”
I went over to the drink table and chugged some punch. I knew it had alcohol in it, but at that moment I wanted that diversion. I didn’t want to feel the pain. I knew in my heart that I shouldn’t take a drink, but I did it anyway.
“I do all the work, and everybody else gets to reap the benefits. This is crap!” I said as I threw the cup onto the floor.
“That’s not the trash can,” the cute running back that was sitting on the table said to me.
“Well, pick it up and put it in the trash can!” I exclaimed loudly.
“Oh, so you’re going to front on me now. C’mon, where’s my dance?” he said as he grabbed my hand and spun me around.
I said, “Whoo!” as I lifted up my skirt slightly.
I was angry, depressed, and upset, so my actions made no sense at all. I wanted to be free to enjoy what I could of the night. The fact that Dakari was cuddled up with another and probably about to get some was not settling to my soul.
I thought, If he can do this, I might as well be busy, too. The stupid jerk!
When Randall Hope pulled me to him, I threw my hands in the air and did not resist.
I started chanting, “Party in here!” out loud.
Before I knew it, a slow song came on, and Randall and I were wrapped in a tight embrace. Before I could even feel uncomfortable, there came Shanay and Dakari dancing only a few feet away. They were kissing again. How ridiculous!
“Daaang, freshman! You need to take that somewhere else!” a football player yelled out to Dakari.
“I see you got on the same li’l outfit as that girl. Are all freshmen like that?” Randall said as he tried to grab my bottom.
I pushed him hard in the chest one time. He fell back a couple feet. A little harder and he would have been on the floor.
“No!” I said, placing my hand in the air and yelling as I walked past Dakari and Shanay. “Everybody ain’t easy!”
The alcohol made me uneasy, but I still knew what I was doing. I tripped into them, making their lips unlock. Maybe it was evil, but I did it.
“Payton!” Shanay said to me.
“What?” I said, putting my hands to the side as if asking if she wanted a piece of me.
“I’ll be right back,” Dakari said to Shanay.
“Where are you going, baby?”
“Baby? Baby? A couple of kisses, and he’s your baby?” I said, clearly jealous.
Dakari grabbed me by the arm and pulled me outside. I tried to get out of his grasp. He was too strong.
“Get your hands off me!” I shouted to him. “Get back! Move!”
“You don’t want me when I wanna be with you, but you are acting like a fool when you see me with someone else. Payton, what’s up with you? You didn’t call a brotha back. You didn’t want me. Did you expect me to wait around? I care about you and all, but really …”
“What? I’m not all that? Is that what you’re trying to say? You got a disease one time when you left me for somebody else. What do you think you’re gonna get up here? Kissing her all crazy in an open party. Y’all look stupid.”
“I don’t look stupid. You heard the fellas. I got props.”
“So, you think you got game, huh? You think you’re a player, and all the fellas are impressed? That ain’t nothin’. It ain’t nothin’ to catch a girl who wants to be caught. Get props when you catch the one that nobody can get.”
“What? You, Payton? I’ve been there and could’ve had that. I told you no last year in my bedroom.”
“Don’t flatter yourself. I would have stopped on my own.”
In disgust, Dakari uttered, “Whatever.”
We didn’t get to finish our conversation because Shanay came outside, grabbed Dakari by the hand, and said, “Excuse me, Payton. We have some unfinished business.”
Dakari and Shanay turned, walked away, and drove off in Dakari’s car while I just stood there crying. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I said all that stuff to him, but I didn’t mean most of it. I still wanted him, but this latest stunt he pulled was not one I wanted to follow. I knew it was over between us. That fact alone was reason enough for another drink.
Who did I see right next to the punch bowl as I stumbled back inside? None other than Randall Hope. He was ready to rap.
“Did you run from this?” he said, implying he was too much for me.
“Yeah,” I said all too quickly.
“So, are we gonna finish our dance? Don’t be afraid, baby. I can be gentle.”
“I don’t know,” I said, taking a quick gulp from my cup as Cammie came over to me.
“Daaang! There’s a li’l somethin’, somethin’ in there. You better take your time. You don’t really look like the drinking kind,” Randall said, looking amused.
“She’s not,” Cammie retorted, grabbing my arm as she tried to pull me away from him. “C’mon, Payton, I think it’s time to go.”
“Can’t nobody tell Payton what to think and do,” I sputtered, snatching my arm back. “Shoot, I’m grown. I done left my mom and dad back home in Augusta.”
“C’mon, Payton. We need to go before things get out of hand,” Cammie replied, still trying to persuade me.
Cammie thought she had my back, but she was really getting on my nerves. Telling me what to do was getting old. She needed to understand that I didn’t want her help.
“Cammie, I’m not going anywhere. Don’t make me go off on you up in here,” I threatened, ready to make a scene.
“Payton, what’s wrong with you?” she replied. “Come here.”
She pulled me outside. She tugged me so hard that she forgot her jacket. She turned to go back inside.
“We’re leaving as soon as I get my coat,” she told me.
“Whatever!” I told her.
“So are you waiting on me or what?” Randall asked as he came outside and stood beside me.
“What’s your name again?” I asked.
“Randall.”
“No, don’t be so stuck on yourself. I’m waiting on my friend.”
“Who, your friend Tad?”
“No, I’m not waiting on Tad. How do you know about Tad?”
“I asked around. Got the scoop on you. You need to leave the young boys alone and get with a man.”
“A man, huh? You better watch out so that those young boys don’t take your spot on the football field. Ah, didn’t know the word was out?”
“Well, since we’re on the subject, you know he’s starting soon. He must think he gonna be regular now, but he’s not taking my job.”
“Excuse me?” I said to him, not believing he could be so sure.
“I said he’s not taking my job. That’s why he’s somewhere hugged up with the Bible, and I’m here hugged up with you. I’m gonna have both his positions.”
I gave him a crazy look. Then Cammie came out. Since I was out of it, I asked her to drive.
As I rode home, I realized that I didn’t have all that much to cheer about. That was quite ironic seeing how I had dressed up as a cheerleader.
I was leaning way back in my Jeep, desperately trying to get rid of a headache. The ten-minute ride had been anything but smooth. If I had my full faculties, I would have known it was from Cammie not knowing how to drive a stick. She was tearing up my clutch, and I didn’t even realize it until she tried to parallel park near the dorm. When I heard a loud thump, my eyes sprang open.
“Oh, my gosh!” she said. “Payton, I hit that car. I’m so sorry.”
“Get out of the car. Just get out of the car,” I said, not wanting to believe my ears.
“I hope it’s not that bad,” Cammie confessed.
Inside I could only hope she was right. Hopefully, the noise I heard wasn’t as awful an incident as it sounded. However, after addressing the damage and seeing the steam flare up from my engine, I realized that I was in deep, deep trouble.
The front part of my car was smashed. Even worse was the car that Cammie had hit in front of me. The back of the green Camry was badly dented. The paint was missing, and the left side of the bumper was hanging to the ground.
“Oh, my gosh!” I panicked. “My dad’s insurance is going to go up. This is horrible. I can’t have any more accidents. I’ve already had two bad accidents in the eleventh grade. I’m not even supposed to let anybody drive my car because I’m the only one insured. Give me the keys. I’ve got to move my car.”
“But we’ve got to wait for the police.”
“I cannot wait for the police. You don’t understand. This is not a good thing. Just get in the car, Cammie!” I shouted.
My car would barely move.
“It sounds like it’s going to blow up,” she said.
“It’ll be fine. I’ve just got to move it to the other side of the parking lot. I’ve got to get it away from this car.”
“But what about this person’s car?”
“They won’t know who did it.”
“Are you just going to hit the car and run?”
Without a care about the other person, whom I did not know, I answered, “It’ll be all right, but I won’t be if this goes on my record.”
“Payton, I can’t let you do that. I’ll take responsibility for it. I was the one driving.”
“You can’t take responsibility for it. My dad will be furious. You just don’t understand. Do you have money to pay for this person’s car? You don’t even have a car.”
“I just can’t see driving away.”
“It’s not like we hit a person!” I screamed, attempting to make her see the light. “It’s just a stupid car! Let’s go, so I can lie down. My neck is hurting from that jerk.
“You can’t say anything about this,” I said to her as we entered the building. “I’ve got to figure out what to do. I’ve got to take my car somewhere. It’s OK for now since it’s night.”
“I just don’t feel right about this, Payton,” Cammie replied timidly.
Ticked, I replied, “Well, you should have told me you didn’t know how to drive a stick.”
“Well, you weren’t in any condition to drive. I obviously know something, or else we wouldn’t have made it home.”
“Well, you shouldn’t have parallel parked. The stupid parking lot was only a few feet away!”
“But you said you didn’t feel good, so I didn’t want you to have to walk.”
“Cammie, just don’t say anything. Keep your mouth shut.”
What am I gonna tell my dad? I thought as I lay in my bed. I can’t tell him the truth. I’m not gonna tell him. Someone else is going to have to look at my car.
Not knowing what to do, I picked up my phone and dialed some digits. I was hoping that the person I wanted to talk to would answer. It was quite late, but with no one else to talk to I called despite the hour.
“Yeah,” the groggy voice said.
“Tad?” I said softly. “I need your help.”
“Who else would have the nerve to call you this late?”
“I didn’t think you would call me at all. I haven’t heard from you in a while. What’s up?”
“I just had a car accident.”
Sounding a little clearer he asked, “Are you OK?”
“Yeah, my neck hurts a little, but my car is messed up. I need your help. It’s pretty bad. I just need you to look at it. I know your uncle works on cars, and sometimes you mess around with them. I know you don’t have a curfew tonight, so do you mind coming out to see?”
“Payton, it’s after one. Can’t this wait until the morning?”
“It won’t take long. I just need you to take a look and tell me what’s up.”
“All right,” he said, sighing reluctantly. “I’ll be there in a second.”
“OK, I’ll be out front.”
“I did something stupid tonight,” I told him a little while later in person. “I had a couple of drinks.”
“So you couldn’t parallel park? You are one of the best drivers I know.”
“I guess.”
“Why would you drink?”
“It’s a long story.”
I knew I couldn’t tell him that it was because I was jealous seeing Dakari kissing another girl. At that moment I thought he would care. But it seemed like Tad had gotten over me and moved on. Sure, he was there for me when I needed him, but he seemed distant. As if he wanted to finish the job and go back home, not like he wanted to pet my hand, hold me, or tell me that it was going to be OK. He made it seem as if it was the friend thing and that was the end of it.
He told me that he didn’t think I should drive the car, that I should call my dad in the morning. With the car smoking, it was definitely unsafe to drive.
“Another car was involved, wasn’t it?” he asked me candidly.
I wondered how he could tell. I was just going to say I hit a pole or something.
“I see the paint right there. There is green paint on your car. Where’s the car that you hit?”
If Tad figured it out in the dark, then surely the damage was going to be more obvious in the morning.
“Huh?” I asked.
“Where’s the other car?” he asked. “Did you talk to the other person? Did you get any information? Were they OK?”
“Huh?” I said, scared.
“Why don’t you wanna tell me? What happened?”
“I kind of left the scene.”
The good-boy act was starting to really get on my nerves. He didn’t have to be so dumb to understand that if I hit another car it was going to be major. Surely he knew that.
“The damage of the other car wasn’t that bad. It was just a little fender-bender type of thing. It was no big deal, so I left. Don’t make it seem as if I’m this horrible person.”
“Well, it seems like you’ve got your mind made up. I’m just a little disappointed in you,” he scolded. “To think of yourself so selfishly and not even think about the consequences you’re putting on somebody else just doesn’t seem like the Payton I know. How do you expect good to come from that?”
Those were scary words. Hearing that only bad could come from my actions, I just didn’t want to believe it. Especially when I had done everything I could to avoid conflict. My parents could never get mad at me and take my car away for hitting someone else. They would be severely mad because I had let someone else drive my car against their wishes.
No matter what Tad, Cammie, or anybody else thought, this was what I was going to do. It may not have been the nice or proper thing, but it was definitely the smart thing. I had to keep this under wraps, and that was all there was to it.
“Dad,” I whined into the telephone the next morning.
“What’s wrong, baby girl?”
“Daddy …”
I was trying to lay on the crybaby act so that he would feel sorry for me. When I told him what was wrong, he would know I was going through it and wouldn’t feel the need to make me any more upset. It used to work in high school, so I figured I’d try it now.
“Girl, cut all that mess out. You’re in college. Tell me what’s going on. It’s time to be a young woman and take responsibility for your actions. I can’t help if you don’t talk to me.”
“My car, Dad. It’s messed up.”
“Payton Skky, that’s pretty vague. What happened? You’re not hurt or anything, are you?”
I told the biggest fib I had told in a while. I told him that no one was in the car but me when I hit a pole, my car was severely destroyed, and I was the only one driving.
I was so into this lie that I didn’t even realize that of course I’d have to be driving if I was the only one in the car. I had just emphasized that I was the one driving, and that got my dad a little suspicious. Only, I didn’t know it then.
He hung up the phone nicely. He told me not to worry about anything, that he could bring me a new car. He said he was just happy that I was OK.
Yeah, I knew that was what I was supposed to do, I thought. Listening to Tad is going to get me in trouble.
“That’s awful,” Laurel said as she was walking into the room.
“What? What’s awful?” I asked, being nosy.
“You know Judy, our dorm director? Well, somebody hit her car last night and pulled off. She only had liability insurance, so she can’t get it fixed. Isn’t that terrible?” Laurel said to me.
“Well, what kind of car does she have?”
“A Toyota. It’s old, but her whole fender is off. I just can’t believe somebody would be that cruel to just leave, only thinking about themselves. That’s awful. That’s why more folks need to be Christians, because Christians wouldn’t do stuff like this.”
I felt so convicted at that moment that chills of anxiety went up my spine.
“Payton? Why aren’t you saying anything? Isn’t that terrible?” she asked me once again.
I heard the girl, but what could I say? It was me! I’m the one who drove off and left the poor lady with no compensation for fixing her car! I’m the Christian who at this moment isn’t actin’ like one! I don’t think so. I didn’t know what to say.
“I’ve got to go to the bathroom,” I said quickly.
I really hated that when my suite mates were in the bathroom they never locked the door. I would sometimes just walk in and, though it seemed rude, it wasn’t my fault because they didn’t lock the door.
Anna was back. I didn’t know if she was going to return after the incident, but she did. She was brushing her teeth. I wanted to walk right back out because for some reason, I had been avoiding her.
She grabbed my arm as I was about to walk away and put up one finger as if to say hold on. After cleaning herself up, she reached out to hug me.
“I’ve been trying to catch up with you, but you are such a busy person. My parents wanted to say thank you. Have you gotten my messages? I got you a card.”
I nodded.
“Payton, I’m sorry for bugging you, but I just wanted to tell you that you are such a special person. If it weren’t for you, I probably wouldn’t be here. God used you to save my life, and I wanna know more about the God that you and Laurel talk about. I know He spared my life for a reason. You are such a good person. You don’t do things that are bad or wrong. I know it’s because you answer to a higher power, and I want to be like that.”
OK, Lord, what are You trying to tell me? I thought. I obviously made the wrong decision by hitting that car and walking away. I had a little bit to drink, but even with a clear mind I still wanted to act like it didn’t happen, but it did happen. I’m responsible. I can’t blame Cammie because she didn’t know how to drive a stick. It was truly my fault. Forgive me, Lord. This is going to be hard to reverse.
“Anna, I would love to talk to you about Christ, but I don’t know everything. In fact, I’m still growing myself. I know He is a forgiving God, and I’m definitely not perfect, even though the Lord’s Spirit is in me. I don’t always let the Spirit dominate. Sometimes Payton leads. Do you know what I’m sayin’?”
“Yeah,” she answered genuinely. “You’re saying that you’re real.”
“So now when I wanna let Payton lead, the Lord taps me on the shoulder with a little reminder that my choices aren’t the best ones. I don’t wanna get into it, but this is one instance He used you to help me see that.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I apologize that I haven’t really been around. I don’t know what my deal was. It’s just been really weird. The whole incident was hard.”
“It was hard for me too. Looking at that tub and knowing that it could have been the last place I was. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case.”
“Yeah.”
“We got off on the wrong foot, too, Payton. I was following Jewels’s vibes with the whole black thing.”
“Anna, don’t worry about it—”
“No, let me say this,” she cut in. “I didn’t even know you, and I judged you because of the color of your skin. Nothing good comes from all of that. If it wasn’t for that black chick who stayed home on Friday night, who knows what would have become of me? You’re a beautiful girl, Payton. I’m sorry that I didn’t see you for who you were in the beginning. I’m glad you’re my suite mate. I’m so glad you were there for me, even though you could’ve just walked away.”
“Like I would really leave you in here.”
We hugged.
“Anna,” I said quickly, “I need to confess some stuff, too.”
“What?”
“You’ve gotta sit down for this one.”
After telling her, she said, “Oh, Payton. Are you serious? Was that you?”
“I wanna make it right, and I’m going to. I just don’t know how. I’ll tell Judy it was me, but I won’t have a car for a while. I don’t believe this.”
“What?” Anna asked. “What don’t you believe?”
“I can’t believe my response to it all.”
“I actually understand.”
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy telling Judy that I was the one responsible for the damage to her car. Tad, Cammie, Anna, and Laurel were right. Nothing good was going to come from me continuing to cover up for my mistakes. I had to face them, learn from them, and grow to be more like Christ because of them. I had to let Jesus work out all the rest of it. I wasn’t perfect, and I couldn’t pretend that I was. It says in the Word, “You reap what you sow.” I hadn’t done anything good at that point, and so I was reaping no benefits.