Am I supposed to just forgive you and not want to press charges?” Judy, the dorm director, said to me.
“Well, she really is sorry,” Laurel explained when she saw I couldn’t move my mouth.
That was a good question Judy asked. I took the low road, which was the road to nowhere. Now I wanted to skate through the consequences and act like nothing bad had happened.
Overcome with emotion, I sat on her bed and sobbed. “You’re right, Judy. I know I caused a lot of damage, which I’ll pay for. I know it was wrong, and I’m sorry. My dad is on his way up here, so if you want to go down to the police station and file a full report, go ahead. I’ll be here, but I just want you to know that I am truly sorry. Will you please forgive me for hitting your car and trying to get out of the consequences?”
I started to walk out of the door, trying to gain my composure, but Judy stopped me. “I guess I appreciate that apology more than hearing you say, ‘I’m the one who wrecked your car, and I’ll pay for it,’” she said, sarcastically mocking me. “And yes … I will forgive you.”
I didn’t say that at first. I don’t know what I was thinking. When you do something so ruthless, sometimes you have to be extremely apologetic to be forgiven. I was thankful that in the end she saw that I was truly sorry.
Laurel didn’t walk me back to the room. Instead, she went on to gymnastics. I wished she would have stayed around so that she could ease the tension that would occur when my dad arrived. I didn’t know how I was going to tell him the truth. However, she couldn’t, so I had to stand on my own. I was still grateful for the hug that she gave me and for sticking up for me.
“It’ll be OK,” Laurel told me. “Just pray and tell the truth.”
“You don’t know my dad,” I expressed with tears in my eyes.
“Well, God knows him. He can’t get too mad.”
“OK, you go on. I don’t want you to be late for practice.”
As I lay on my bed, depressed and waiting for my doom, the phone rang. Looking at the clock, I was sure it was my dad saying that he was not too far away. However, when I picked it up, I was very surprised to find it was Dakari. I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing considering he was lip-locked with another the night before.
“Are you OK?”
“Yeah,” I said, trying to be nonchalant.
“Your boy told me you were in an accident.”
I wanted so desperately to say, “Why do you care? It’s all your fault. Cammie wouldn’t have been driving if I hadn’t been drunk. I wouldn’t have been drunk if you had not been all up on Shanay.”
However, I knew that ultimately I was responsible for my actions. No one forced me to take a sip. Though Dakari was in it, he wasn’t to blame.
“You know you don’t drink, and you shouldn’t have had anything,” he said, scolding me.
“Don’t even go there,” I lashed out in anger. “When did you find out? This morning when you came in from being out all night with Shanay?”
“I knew you would act like this. Didn’t nothin’ happen.”
“Oh, really? Is that supposed to make me feel better? Don’t say nothin’ happened, because I saw y’all kissing at the party. Then you left with her, so I’m sure you took the kissing with you.”
“So you care?”
“No!” I yelled back as loud as my lungs could scream.
“Then why do you have my every move mapped out like you had been watching me all night?”
“You cared that I got into a car accident.”
“Yeah, I told you that’s why I was calling. Look, just because you decided not to kick it with me doesn’t mean that I still don’t have thoughts of you.”
“Oh, you have thoughts of me the day after an all-nighter with another girl.”
“I don’t want to get into a fight with you. I just wanted to call and see if you were OK. I thought we could bury the hatchet. Though I was with Shanay, you were the only one on my mind. Maybe we could give this thing another try, but I ain’t calling for all that. I just wanted to make sure you were OK. All right?”
“Yeah, all right,” I said after much hesitation.
“Daddy, why are you taking my car away?” I cried.
“Payton, you can’t even drive this car. You told me you didn’t hit anybody. That was a lie. You broke down and told me you weren’t the one driving. Now, that is a nightmare. What if the other girl in the car would’ve gotten hurt? Or, what if there was someone in the other car? I’m not giving you another car after all. You need to learn to be more responsible. If you don’t have a car, I think you will appreciate it more when or if you get one back.”
That sounded crazy to me, but he was the father. Reluctantly, I had to oblige. This was horrible news. Walking?
“Don’t look so down, baby girl. Maybe I spoke too soon. This isn’t forever. I’ll probably give you your car back when you come home for Christmas.”
“How am I supposed to get home?” I spoke with an attitude, even though I knew I should have been respectful.
“The bus sounds like a good idea to me, and if you keep getting smart with me you will still be riding the bus after Christmas.”
“Sorry, Dad.”
Dad took Laurel and me out for dinner that night when she returned from gymnastics. I guess he felt a little guilty about not leaving me with a car, and I guess he thought that this was a way to make up for it. Laurel just kept talking through dinner. It was cool with my father because he liked getting to know her. He even said he thought Laurel was great.
“Payton and I keep each other in line,” she told my daddy.
“Oh, so you need some straightening out, too, huh?” my father said, joking.
“Oh, no, I always tell the truth. I don’t do anything bad like Payton,” she said, joking back.
I kicked Laurel in the shin from under the table. Laurel was great, but sometimes she put her foot in her mouth when she didn’t think before she spoke. That comment must have made me look horrible in the eyes of my dad, even though it was a joke.
“Yeah, I know Miss Payton is a handful. So what’s up with the young men here at UGA?”
Laurel almost spit out her food. I had never told her that my dad and I were really tight. I could talk to him. I had only pulled apart from him last year when I thought I knew everything. If I had only listened to some of the advice he had previously given me, maybe I wouldn’t have the drama I have now.
“Dad, she likes her old boyfriend from high school. He goes to Georgia. The only problem is he likes someone else.”
“That sounds like your situation, Payton.”
“Almost,” I teased back. “Only difference is that I have two old boyfriends here.”
My dad got serious and replied, “Well, you guys need to stay focused on your studies. Don’t focus on these boys. Get yourself together, and then all the boys will come to you.”
That took me back to last year when my principal, Dr. Franklin, told me the very same thing. In retrospect, it worked. When I had gotten over Dakari and moved on to Tad, Dakari came crawling back.
My dad continued, “You young ladies should be the dream catch for any man worth having. Beauty, brains, standards … you should be a gift to any guy. Choose one that will take care of the present you are. You all may come up against quite a few knuckleheads up here on campus, but believe me, there is a man made just for you. Payton, I know your mom was just for me, and I did everything I could to catch her. With all the fast girls running behind me, your mom refused to chase me or any other man. I knew with her, I had to come correct. She was on many guys’ list. That was because she wasn’t lying down with no man she wasn’t married to. All my friends wanted to be the guy that got her in the end. She was a confident brown fox, and I just had to have her. As the story went, I won her heart. Girls, don’t settle for nothing less than what you know in your heart is the very best in a man. You both deserve that.”
Dad had a good point. I needed to work on me and get myself in order. I was going to take Dad’s advice. I hugged him tightly at the dinner table.
“Oh, so you’re gonna listen now?”
“Yeah, I’m gonna have a lot of extra time to spend in my dorm now that I don’t have a car. I can think about what you said and figure out how to apply it to my life. I just love your wisdom, Dad.”
“Don’t try to suck up to me, Payton. I’m not going to change my mind.”
“You guys have a neat relationship,” Laurel said as she watched us. “I miss my father. I’ll have to call him.”
“I’m sure your dad would enjoy that very much. I know it makes my day when Payton calls me and she doesn’t want anything.”
We all laughed.
“Baby, what do you want for Christmas … besides a car?” my dad asked.
With a pure heart I said, “I’d love some of your self-confidence wrapped neatly in a box, with a pretty bow on top.”
He responded, “You have that.”
“Not like you, Daddy. I wish. No, seriously, I don’t need anything for Christmas. I know that I’m already blessed.”
“So,” he kept prying, “you don’t want anything?”
“Well, you can always hook your first good bullet up with some clothes,” I teased.
He smiled. “I thought there was something.”
“I just wanted to let you know I was OK,” I said to Tad three days after the accident.
“Dakari told me he talked to you, and you sounded fine.”
“Your discussion seems kind of short.”
“Yeah, I’ve got some studying because I just came in from practice. We’ve got a big game this week. I’m just trying to stay focused.”
“Am I distracting you?” I asked softly.
“Frankly, yes. I’m glad you called to let me know you are OK, but I really need to get back to work.”
Even though he was nice about hurting my feelings, it still hurt. But I understood. Just like Dakari wanted fifty thousand chances with me, I was doing the same thing to Tad. His tolerance was short, and though I had a tough time swallowing that, I had to respect it.
“I didn’t really talk that long with Dakari, but I did want to let you know that I thought about what you said, and I took back what I did.”
Confused, Tad spoke out, “What? You took back what you did? What are you talking about?”
“I asked Judy, my dorm director, to forgive me, and told her I would pay for the damages. I appreciate you telling me the tough stuff.”
“Well, we fall, but we get back up,” he told me.
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes sinners sin—it’s this song I’m listening to by Donnie McClurkin.”
“Well, that’s easy for you to say. You don’t make any mistakes.”
“You’ve only known me for a year. You weren’t there the night Jesus found me. You don’t know how miserable my life was. God saved me from a horrible place. Even my thoughts of you drive me crazy. One day you like me, and then the next you like someone else. I get quite angry when you flip-flop like that. Why do you get all worked up over a guy who likes you one day and then the next he likes five other girls? You deserve better.”
Tad was right. I did deserve better. I thought about what my dad had said to Laurel and me at dinner. Dakari always knew how to reel me in, though. I was the only one who could stop that, and it was about time that I did.
“I never understood why girls fall for a jerk and then when that doesn’t work out, they run to the good guy to pick up the pieces. I’m tired of being with folks who don’t respect me. If a woman doesn’t respect me now, she’ll never be able to respect me in a marriage. That’s what God calls a wife to do, respect her husband.”
There was dead silence on the line. So much so that you could hear a pin drop on a carpeted floor. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t like Dakari any more than I liked Tad. Even though it was obvious that Tad was a way better boyfriend than Dakari, I could only see that they were equal. No wonder Mr. Taylor was frustrated. Maybe hearing him say it would make me appreciate that good guy a little more.
Dear Lord, I prayed later that week, help me get my act together. Help me be the kind of lady that You want me to be. Help me learn to study Your word. Help me have the desire above all things to please You and make You proud. I used to think I was so much better than Rain, Lynzi, and Dymond when it comes to pleasing You, but I’m not. I may even be worse. Help me get up and stand strong. Help me be a child after Your own heart. I love You. Amen.
I had been doing so much better in my classes. By asking questions and studying, I was definitely confident that a flag would never appear on my paper again. I had talked for so long about wanting to feel better about myself. Some days were good days, and some days were bad. So many things dictated the way that I felt.
A Scripture my Papa Skky used to say was, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” I always used to tell him, “I can’t do it, Papa; I’m scared.” He would then always repeat the Scripture. When I got older, he explained what the Scripture meant.
What was I scared of? I was afraid of coming to college and failing and letting everybody down. I was intensely scared of not being loved by a guy whom I thought I liked or loved. Yet, when it boiled down to it, the only thing that matters is that I am happy with myself, and love what God created. Now this didn’t mean accepting and liking the bad things that were inside of me—God calls those things sin. What it did mean was trusting God for who He made me to be. God doesn’t make mistakes. He made me just the way I am for a purpose, and I wanted to accomplish the purpose He has for me.
I was tired of being down, afraid, and miserable. I was going to change that, and changing it didn’t mean doing so for a little while. It meant forever.
After racking my brain figuring out how I was going to maintain my self-esteem, accept the way I was, and honor God with the life He had given me, God led me to one of my birthday gifts. It was the book from Tad, A Jewel in His Crown.
Just by reading the introduction, I was encouraged. The book was about all the things that I had issues believing. Tad gave me the book because he thought I was a special, precious gem. After reading, I began to understand we are all made in God’s image. Nothing else in all of God’s creation was made in His image except man. The God of the universe made us so that He could have a relationship with us. That’s so sweet! I was now beginning to understand why God loves us so much. Through that love, I could love others and, most important, love God back.
I had a paper to write, but I vowed to pick up the book again very soon.
“So are you mad at me?” Cammie asked at lunch.
“No, why would you ask that?”
“Laurel told me that your dad took your car away.”
“Girl, sit down. I wanted to be angry at everybody except myself. I owe you for being there. Had you not been there, there’s no telling what would have happened. Shoot, I could be dead.”
“I still owe you an apology,” she said humbly. “I should have told you that I didn’t know how to drive a stick.”
“You can drive; you just need some practice. I owe you an apology for not being the friend I should have been when it all went down. I was just freaked out and responded the wrong way.”
“I appreciate that. I don’t have many friends. It’s not easy for me to make them. I’m not spunky or petite like you. You have two fine guys after you.”
“Well, that doesn’t make me who I am. Acceptance from others doesn’t make you who you are. Shanay, who is supposed to be my friend, was the reason why I was so upset at the party. She and Dakari left together.”
“Did they get their freak on?”
“You so crazy. Dakari says they didn’t, but I don’t trust him. I’m sure the other girls saw me upset, but you were the only one who came to my aid. That tells a lot about you. You could’ve gone and had a good time, but instead you made sure I got home safely. Cute people are great to walk around with, but they aren’t worth anything if they don’t care about you. You are cute, and you are a great friend.”
“Thanks, Payton.”
“I believe God wants us to trust Him. I challenge you to believe that. I’m reading this book that talks about being a diamond in God’s eyes. Diamonds are rare, and so are we. We’ve just got to believe it.”
She reached over and hugged me. Neither of us was like a rooted, grounded tree, strong and sturdy. However, I was thankful that in the area of trusting God for who we were, we were planting hopeful seeds.