Where are you going?” my mother asked as I grabbed my dad’s keys and started to head out of the door that Thanksgiving Day.
I was in college, but I was still her child. I didn’t want her to worry about my whereabouts. I knew I was going over to Dakari’s house, and I didn’t want her to misread anything. This was strictly a friendship thing.
“There’s gonna be a whole group of us going over to Dakari’s to watch his brother’s game. It just gives me a chance to get together with my friends. Dymond is leaving the day after tomorrow.”
“Payton, your aunts are here all the way from New York and Dallas.”
“But we already ate, and I talked to them. If you want me to stay I will,” I told her, practically biting my tongue.
“Just be respectful. I hope you aren’t lying to me, and there really is going to be a big group over there.”
I wanted to be mad that my mother would suspect such a thing, but how could I be when she had caught me in that type of stuff before?
However, I was now a new me and whatever I told her gave her confidence. I had already told her pretty much what she needed to know regarding Dakari and myself. She just had to trust me. The earlier comment about her being pretty helped. She finally agreed I could go.
As I got into my father’s car and turned the key, I realized that I didn’t tell her that Dakari’s parents weren’t going to be home. Since she didn’t ask, I didn’t tell.
“What are you thinking about so heavily?” Rain asked as she jumped into the car.
“Girl, you scared me.”
“I know. I was waving to you while I was walking out here. Something heavy must be on your mind. What’s going on?”
“Nothing; I’m just trying to check myself. Give me a hug, girl.”
I couldn’t begin to explain in the embrace how much I missed her. But as tight as it was, I was sure she got the point.
“What is Dakari having and why do you insist that I go?”
“Girl, you’re trippin’. I didn’t insist that you go. You’re the one who is complaining because Tyson didn’t come home, and you don’t have any plans. How are y’all doing?”
“Hangin’ on,” she said in a sad tone. “I think we’re just going through a rough period. One time Tyson came to pick me up, and I saw his eyes wandering.”
“What?”
“Yes, he acts as if he has never seen beautiful black women. We’re together, and I still love him, but we’re holding on by a very thin thread.”
“Well, you act like it’s cool. Is it cool with you?”
“For a minute I thought I wasn’t pretty, because it seemed as if he was looking at everyone but me. However, he has got things going on, and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.”
“Even if he doesn’t tell you, you should feel good about yourself.”
“Yeah, but Spelman is a totally different world. Most girls go to class all dressed up to impress one another. Can you believe that! I don’t think my freshman class has learned to be content with who they are yet. I hope you aren’t going to Dakari’s because you guys are back together. Tell me that is not the case, and where is Tad?”
“You sound like my brother. Don’t even go there.”
“Oooh, girl. Don’t hold out on me. What’s up?”
“I don’t know. We are all just going in different directions. It’s good to see you,” I said as I patted her on the arm.
“You better keep your hand on the steering wheel. From what I hear, you aren’t having too much luck with cars lately.”
“Girl, I’ve been driving since I was eleven.”
We raced up to Dymond’s door. Her mom was glad to see us. She was still the same ghetto, sweet woman she had always been.
“Y’all think y’all are big-time now, don’t y’all?” she said to us. “Goin’ to Spelman, Howard, and UGA. Can’t tell y’all nothing now! You look like you put on a few pounds, Payton. You look good, girl.”
I pulled Dymond and Rain into the car and asked, “Do I look fat to y’all?”
“You don’t need anyone’s approval,” Rain said to me sarcastically, repeating what I had said to her earlier.
While in the car, I noticed that Dymond was unusually quiet. She wasn’t going on and on about her new world like she would have normally done. Instead, Rain, who was the quiet one, was going on and on. We were changing, but was that a good thing? Nonetheless, driving on our old streets with old friends was definitely a good thing.
“Why are we stopping at the store?” Dymond asked irritably. “If he is going to invite us over, then he needs to provide the food. This isn’t a potluck, and don’t expect me to buy anything.”
College had definitely made Dymond a little different. She wasn’t as giving. Why was that?
“What’s your problem? You go up north for a minute, and you come back mean,” I told her.
“I’m not mean. I’m just straight up.”
“Yeah,” Rain put in, “you aren’t giving any love, no hugs, no I miss yous, or anything. What’s up?”
“Girl, after the semester that I have had dealing with folks who think that they are better than me, I have just become a little bit tougher. Going to college has made me tougher than living in the projects, and you know that’s a shame. Educated Negroes are a trip! It’s as if sistahs are sizing me up. I just went off on one chick and said, ‘What the heck are you looking at? I must be big and beautiful because you can’t keep your eyes off me.’”
“Well, you know we aren’t like that,” I said to her.
“I know, but it’s hard to come down off of that.”
“What about school? Are you able to keep up?” Rain asked Dymond.
Dy responded, “Yeah, I can keep up. What about you guys?”
Rain said that things were fine for her. I kept silent. I was glad to know that the two of them were doing well academically, but my situation was different in so many ways.
“You’re kind of quiet, Payton,” Dymond said. “That means it must be a little hard up there at UGA. Are you studying?”
“I am, but I have got an F. I haven’t even told my mama. I have got to bring it up.”
“You’d better bring it up, or you won’t be driving ever again,” Dymond said.
“My dad already took my car away after the accident. If I wanna drive, I have to get my grades up.”
“That’s a trip! Payton Skky has to walk. You’ve been driving since you were twelve.”
“Eleven,” I boasted.
We all laughed.
“Your boy has got a lot of cars here,” Rain said as she looked around.
“Yeah, some of the cars have Georgia tags,” I said. “He must have invited some people from the team. I don’t see his roommate’s car.”
“Who’s his roommate?” Dymond asked from the backseat.
As we parked and got out I said, “It’s Tad, girl.”
“Whaaat? I’m surprised they’re both still alive,” Dymond added, trying to be funny.
“C’mon in, ladies,” Dakari said. “Thanks for bringing the grub, Pay.”
“What do you want me to do with it, baby?” the eerie voice of Starr Love said from behind him.
Why did Dakari have to do that? Why did he invite me over when he already had female company? He knew that was wrong, and I didn’t appreciate it. I rolled my eyes at him as Dymond and Rain walked into the house. I was in no rush to go in. I wanted to know what was up with Starr.
“Payton, aren’t you coming in?” she asked me as though she really cared.
“I need to talk to him,” I replied.
Starr stated in a sultry tone, “Don’t be too long. The game is about to start, and I plan to massage my baby’s back while he watches it.”
I wanted to call her some of everything, but I knew I had to hold back my words.
As she switched away, Dakari said, “What’s up?”
“Why did you invite me over here when you knew she was coming?”
“I didn’t know she was coming until after I had called you. She called me, and I thought it was rude not to invite her. Why do you care anyway? I thought we were—what’s that word you like to use?—friends,” he replied, getting under my skin.
“I’m going to say this one time and one time only …” I started.
But before I could finish Starr pranced back over and kissed Dakari on the jaw. She tried tugging him away. “Kickoff is about to start. C’mon.”
“I’ll be there in a minute,” he said as he patted her on the behind.
She giggled like a girl with no brains and walked away. She was just looking for someone to take the place of her dad and take care of her. No wonder she wasn’t in school. I couldn’t believe Dakari couldn’t see that.
“Payton, what do you have to say? The game is about to begin.”
“Dakari, we are friends, but there is still something there. Every time I say that I don’t wanna be with you, you get mad and throw one of your little women in my face. I didn’t come over here to see you hugged up with Starr. That’s not right, and you know I don’t do you like that.”
“Yeah, right! I heard about you and Randall.”
“Did you see anything? No, you were too busy with Shanay somewhere. I’m not one to spread gossip, but, after you, she went back to the party and got with Randall. There is something about the character of the women you are with these days. You had better be careful before you get something you can’t get rid of.”
I scooted past him quickly and sat by my girls. Frustration was running through my veins. Dakari sat on the floor as Starr put her legs around him and started massaging his back like she said she was going to.
I had to think about whether I was going to let this get to me or whether I was going to be bigger than this. Maybe this was the only way I was going to get over him. He was such a dog! How could he care about me and let me witness him with another? After about three plays, I realized I was crazy to be sitting there watching Dakari and Starr. I hadn’t talked to my girls in a long time, and I hadn’t seen my aunts in even longer. I had tons of other things to do than to mess around in Dakari’s world.
“Are y’all ready?” I asked.
“Yep,” Rain quickly said.
Dymond blabbed, “Let me see this next play.”
“C’mon,” I said to Dymond.
“Why are y’all leaving?” someone from the football team said. “The party’s about to get started. Don’t you go to UGA?”
“Daaang!” another one said to me. “You are fine.”
Though I appreciated the compliment, he could have kept it, because I was not in the mood.
We walked out of the door. Part of me wanted Dakari to follow us. However, thinking those thoughts let me know that I wasn’t getting over him. I wasn’t only supposed to leave in body but mentally too. I was no longer going to be caught up in Dakari’s web of deception. Tad put it plainly: How can I care about a guy that is such a jerk?
Two days later, I sat with my brother and my father watching Georgia play. I was elated to see Dakari fumble as he was about to score on a kickoff return.
“Yeah!” I yelled aloud as my family looked at me as if I were crazy.
It might have been bad for me to be happy during Dakari’s disappointment. Since he didn’t care about my feelings, I didn’t care about his. However, when the fumble resulted in the other team getting a touchdown, the momentum seemed to leave Georgia and switch to Auburn. The Bulldogs were in trouble.
Eight minutes left in the game, and those minutes passed quickly as Auburn’s running back did a long drive that ate up the clock. When we lost, I knew Dakari was going to hear it from his coaches and teammates. Not treating others as bad as I had been treated was a test that I had failed. I was ashamedly happy it was his fault. I knew this was going to devastate him.
“What’s going on with you, Payton?” my dad asked. “I thought Dakari was your friend, and now you’re taking pleasure in his pain. That doesn’t seem like my daughter.”
I wanted to let him know all of the mess Dakari had put me through, but I knew I couldn’t.
“Sorry, Dad.”
The Sunday after Thanksgiving, I was back in Athens sitting in the cafeteria for lunch. I only had a week and a half before I had to go back home for Christmas break. I needed to make my way to the library and buckle down to make up for my bad grades. Just as I looked down, I saw a twenty on the floor in front of me. I could use that money, but clearly it wasn’t mine. I quickly looked across the room to see if anyone was looking for it. I didn’t see anyone, so I quietly picked up the cash, and to my surprise it was four twenties—eighty dollars. It obviously had my name written all over it.
No sooner had I put the money in my pocket than I saw a redheaded guy whose brain was scurrying around like a mouse looking for cheese. I knew what he was searching for, but he didn’t know that I knew. My feet wanted to dash out of the cafeteria with the money in my pocket, but my spirit wouldn’t let me do that. I went up to him and asked him if he was looking for money. Sure enough, he was looking for eighty dollars. It was his. Probably, he could even tell me what serial number each twenty had.
“You dropped it back there,” I told him, pointing to my table.
“I was eating there. God bless you. I’m from Arkansas, and my mom just wired me the money for my bus ticket home. Thank you.”
The guy, who hadn’t introduced himself to me, galloped away with a smile. I helped to make someone’s day. That felt great.
“Thank You, Holy Spirit,” I uttered aloud.
Though I wasn’t richer financially, I was richer spiritually. I hadn’t gone looking for the money, and I shouldn’t have battled within to keep it. However, through all the doubts and uncertainties, in the end I did the right thing and grew from the experience.
“Basically, what I have learned from The Color Purple,” I said to my literature teacher as I gave my oral presentation, “was that Miss Celie had to figure out what was holding her back from her dreams. In the end, she learned that it was herself. When she broke free of herself, she was able to stand up to all the other things that were trying to take control. Joy came, peace came, and love came.”
Ms. Bissett asked me, “How can you relate to the story, or can you relate at all?”
“I know that for the four months I have been in college, it has been tough. It seems as if one thing after another has gone wrong. I blamed everyone but me for those incidents. I then decided to become an overcomer, and I realized that I needed to study longer and harder and get help when I needed it. Without buckling down, I just wasn’t measuring up. Now I think that I am doing better, and I have learned the same lesson as the one in the novel. I can achieve all of the things that I am capable of.”
“That’s a good lesson. I see you got the point of the story. If you use that principle in your life, you will be successful.”
The class clapped.
Ms. Bissett told me that I was going to receive an A. I was thrilled because that would bring my grade up to a B. Now I just needed to do well on the rest of my exams.
“Am I over him or not?” I asked myself when I saw Tad standing across the street as I walked from one class to another.
My frame zoomed in so closely that I saw him hand in hand with that Vonda girl. They were laughing. About what? I wondered.
“I must care about you,” I uttered, “because it is so good to see you smile, even if I am not the cause of it.”
I stared so hard that I didn’t realize they were walking toward me. What was I going to say?
“Payton, it’s good to see you,” Tad said as he reached out to hug me.
Without hesitation, I hugged him back. I peered over at Vonda and smiled cunningly. What was all that for? Just a second ago I was happy that she could make him happy. Now I was turning on her. Tad wasn’t mine, and I needed to realize that.
She kindly smiled at me to let me know that she didn’t read more into the hug than what was there. The next slick move she made was sliding her hand into his. He didn’t step back from that.
Anger shot through my veins. What right did I have to feel that way? None.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked Tad.
He turned to Vonda and said, “I’ll be back in one second.”
“Sure,” she said nicely.
“What’s up, Payton?” he said as we stood a few feet from his new girl.
I began to interrogate him. “Are you guys dating? Do you like her better than me?”
“Are you jealous? I blame myself for our relationship not working out. When we first got together, I remember giving you a Christian book on dating. We finished that book, and it was great. We should have continued studying things of the Bible. Instead we focused on life issues. Though we prayed, I didn’t lead the way I was supposed to. We fell off because the relationship wasn’t built on any foundation. It says in James 1:19–20, ‘Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.’”
How could I argue with that? Tad wasn’t answering my question; he was telling me how to be a better person with or without him. The Lord is not pleased when things of the world are more important than Him. God wanted me to keep myself pollutant free from the world, and Tad was trying to help clean me up.
I felt dejected but encouraged at the moment. We journeyed back over to Vonda. She was smiling at me.
She simply said, “Are you doing well on your exams? Are you passing your tests?”
Since Thanksgiving I’d had trial after trial, and test after test. Some I did well on, others I barely passed, and some I needed to try again. I couldn’t answer her question. I remembered in James where it said, “The testing of your faith develops perseverance.”
I wasn’t the Christian that I needed to be, but because of Christ I could get better. I could pass the test I had failed before. I could fall but get up. I could do the right thing. Whatever came next I had determined I’d be passing whichever test.