Payton, are you asleep?” my dad peeked into my room and asked on the night of my return.
I wasn’t doing anything but listening to A Soulful Christmas CD.
“I’m awake, Dad. Come in.”
“I’m proud of you, Payton.”
I thought to myself, You haven’t seen my grades yet. Don’t be too proud, but I hoped that my last-minute efforts would prove to be successful.
My dad stated, “I just wanted to tell you I missed you. It’s nice to peek into your room and see you in here. I’ve been praying for you.”
“I missed you too, Dad.”
“Since it’s not that late, how about a game of Chinese checkers? Plus, I want to give you one of your gifts a little early. Your mom is almost finished wrapping it.”
A grin spread across my face as I jumped out of bed. Chinese checkers was our game. We had played it ever since I was little. I ran downstairs to the beautifully decorated family room and started setting up the marbles.
My dad entered with a bowl of popcorn and said, “All right, I’m gonna beat you.”
“Talk is cheap,” I replied.
Halfway through the game, he had two more marbles to get to the other side. Somehow, someway, I jumped him and won. I was loving every minute of it. We were both fiercely competitive.
“Don’t get mad ’cause I beat you,” I teased.
Mom had three elegantly wrapped presents in her arms. She bent over, and my dad took the one off the top. She stood behind the couch and in front of the crackling fire. She was smiling, and so was my dad. Something was up.
“Baby girl, this is a gift for you from me.”
The box was so light. However, it wasn’t a small box. I had no clue what was in it.
“Do I open it now?” I asked.
“No, you already have what’s inside. You’re just supposed to keep the box and look at it when you need to.”
I chuckled. “I’m confused, Daddy. What’s inside?”
“Self-confidence. Now you’ve got it just like you asked … wrapped, neatly in a box. Every time you see it, know you’re just like it … a pretty package with self-confidence locked inside.”
That was a strong statement and the best gift I’d never open. I hugged my dad. My mother smiled and went upstairs to get ready for bed.
Perry had taken his girlfriend out on a date. He was just returning. He came through the front door, and he didn’t seem happy.
“Did you have fun?” I asked.
“Yeah, it was all right.”
“I’ve got the Chinese checkerboard out, and I just beat Dad. Do you wanna play?”
“She’s upstairs getting ready for bed. She’ll be down in a second. Do you wanna play?”
“Yeah, set up marbles for all of us.”
That was going to be so much fun. We played three more times, and I didn’t win any of them. My family taunted and teased me. I told them we would have a rematch another night, and they all would lose.
The next night we sat at the table to play a different game—spades. My family loved spades. It was Dad and me against Perry and Mom. We were going to cheat. It was against God’s principles, but my brother and mother knew we were going to cheat, so that made it fun.
As we were getting our strategy together, Dad said, “Tomorrow is the dealership’s annual Christmas party. This year, since I’m allowing Perry to bring a date, you can bring one, too.”
“Dad, that’s not fair. I didn’t get to bring a date when I was Perry’s age. This double-standard thing is ridiculous,” I joked with a bit of seriousness.
The sit-down dinner in the middle of the showroom was always great. It was an all-around good time. The thought of bringing a date was somewhat appealing, but who? Tad now had a girlfriend, and Dakari was out of the picture.
As I held a handful of spades, I thought back over the years when we used to do this. It was magical. It seemed like I had the best family on earth.
“Thanks, Lord,” I mouthed. “Thanks for this blessing.”
We were playing until a team reached 250 points. My father and I were twenty-five points away from winning when my telephone rang. I dashed to my room.
“Hey, Payton.”
“Tad?” I said, shocked.
“Yep. It’s me. How are you doing? Are you busy?”
“No,” I said, even though I heard my dad and brother calling me from downstairs.
“I hear someone calling you.”
“We’re having some family time. Do you mind if I call you back?”
“Yeah, go ahead. I’ll be home.”
“OK; I’ll hit you back in a few.”
When I went back to the table, I didn’t realize that I was smiling noticeably. I got called out.
“So, what guy was on the phone? You’re already setting up your date for tomorrow night, huh?” my dad asked.
I had forgotten all about the party. I could only think about Tad calling me. At that point, the game meant nothing.
“Payton, I can’t believe you let them beat us,” my dad said after we finished.
“I know, dang,” I joked back. “I’ve got a call to make. We will get them back later, Dad.”
I was so excited. Though I had no rationality as to why, I was. Quickly I called Tad back, and the line was busy. However, I pressed redial and gratefully I got through with no problem.
“Hey, are you asleep?” I asked.
“No, I was just waiting on you to call.”
“What’s up?”
“I just wanted to know if your family wanted to go to a game with me on New Year’s.”
“I’ll ask them. I’m sure they would.”
“I know that your dad and brother like football, so I thought I would ask.”
“That’s so sweet.”
My dad came into my room and said, “Are you talking to Tad?”
After I had answered yes, he took the phone and started talking. “Hey, Tad, has Payton asked you to the dealership Christmas party yet? Yeah, it’s tomorrow night. You don’t need a tux; just wear a suit. We’d love to see you there. Well, I’ll see you later.”
“Dad!” I said as I grabbed the phone back. “I’m sorry, Tad.”
“No, it’s OK. So, it looks as if I am going to a party tomorrow night.”
“Is it OK?” I asked him timidly.
“Yeah, I appreciate the invite. Do I need to come by your house to pick you up?”
“Yeah, be here at about seven.”
“OK, I’ll see you tomorrow night.”
“Bye.”
As I laid back on my bed I wondered, What is going to happen tomorrow?
As I sat and got my nails done at my old salon, I realized how much I missed the days of primping. I loved getting my hair and nails done. I had been roughing it in college.
“Are you going somewhere special, or are you doing this for Christmas?” my old friend asked as she buffed my nails.
“I’ve got a date.”
“Oooh, tell me about it, girl.”
I responded shyly, “It’s no big deal.”
“I didn’t ask if it was a big deal. I asked you to tell me about it.”
“My dad’s dealership is having its Christmas party. I’m going with Tad.”
“That’s the boy who took you to your debutante ball. He’s cute. You go, girl!”
“I think he likes someone else, and my dad kind of cornered him into taking me. So don’t make too much of it.”
“Don’t even go there, because Tad is a grown man. If he didn’t want to go then he would have gotten out of it.”
“You’re right. He did sound a little excited. So make me pretty.”
“You’re already pretty. You’ve just got to believe it.”
“I’m starting to.”
“Good for you.”
As soon as I was getting ready to leave, Miss Shirley, Tyson’s mom, stopped me and said, “You know my son has got a new girlfriend.”
I don’t know why, but Tyson’s mom never really liked Rain. What was she talking about? Hopefully she had the wrong information. I needed to call Rain, but she was at her grandmother’s house until Christmas. So I didn’t make too much of Miss Shirley’s comment.
“I love that dress. You’re looking nice,” my brother said, twirling me around.
“Are you going to pick up your date and meet us there?” I asked.
“Yep, that’s the plan,” he said, walking out of the door as Tad walked in.
“You look lovely,” were the first words that came out of my date’s mouth.
It had been a while since we had seen each other. I wanted to ask him about Vonda, but I didn’t want to ruin the evening. I was going to have to trust God, relax, and not stress.
As I noticed Tad continually checking me out, I smiled back to let him know I appreciated it. We were quiet most of the way there, but it wasn’t a bad quiet. It was a peaceful and serene feeling.
As we arrived at our destination, even more joy entered into the equation as we saw the lovely decorations. The showroom floor looked like a hotel ballroom. There was a five-piece band playing Christmas music, which made the most heavenly sound.
“Are you sitting with your dad?” Tad asked.
“Yeah, we’re sitting at the head table.”
“Which one is the head table? They all look so nice,” he joked.
“Are you OK sitting with my family?”
“Yeah, I’ve brushed up on my etiquette. I won’t mess up like last time,” he said, laughing.
I remember when Tad had first come over for dinner. He was so nervous that he drank my dad’s tea instead of his. Tonight he seemed so polished. He was such a gentleman.
“So, how has this semester been for you?” he asked.
“It hasn’t been the best. My suite mate tried to kill herself.”
“Is she OK?”
“Yeah, she’s back. Before that, Worth Zachary was killed. It’s been a crazy semester.”
We didn’t get to finish catching up because the evening started. It was full of celebration. This was a Christian business, and this celebration was a Christian one, because if Jesus hadn’t been born then we wouldn’t have any hope.
My dad grabbed the mike and said, “For unto us a child is born. For unto us a Son is given. I thank you all for what you have done to put this dealership on the map. This is a great occasion to celebrate and be joyous. When we seek God first, blessings come down. Jesus loved us so much that He gave His life so that we could have eternal life. Enjoy your evening and your holiday season.”
We were dancing, and the way Tad looked at me was so special and captivating that I knew he cared deeply.
“What are you smiling about?” I asked.
“I’m just counting my blessings. My birthday is in a couple days, and I will be nineteen years old. I have been blessed over my nineteen years. I’m thankful because I have been blessed with riches from the heart. Therefore, I am able to appreciate a pretty girl. It’s a blessing.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I think a lot of you, Payton. I was sad when things didn’t work out between us. God was so good that He allowed me to fall back in love with Him. To feel those feelings is a blessing, and I won’t take them lightly. I never thought I could feel for a girl what I felt for you. When that was destroyed, a part of me was, too.”
We were dancing, and I wanted to cry. Tad was so real and so special. How in the world did I mess this up? As he talked about spiritual things, I was able to understand that this wasn’t about us. How awesome and special was his walk with Christ. That’s how Tad believes in himself, because he knows who he is in Christ. That was my problem. I was still trying to be the captain of my own ship.
Later in the car as Tad took me home, I said, “The joy that you have now is what I’m striving to get. I wanna be so in love with God that nothing else in the world matters. I’m not there yet, but I wanna get there.”
“Having the desire to get there is the first step. I thought I was there, but I realized that too many times I was concerned with things of the world instead of being concerned with things of the Spirit. Christ can be all you need and more. I challenge you to try it. Let the Lord surprise you.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I think that part of you feels that you couldn’t be complete with just Him alone.”
“How did you know?”
“I was there, Payton. I was angry, and I was bitter when things didn’t work out my way. God has plans for all of our lives. He knows it all. Just because things don’t work out at that time doesn’t mean that they won’t work out. Sometimes when things don’t work out, it’s better.”
“Do you mean us?” I asked him.
He gently caressed my face with the hand that wasn’t on the steering wheel and breathed sincerely, “I loved being your boyfriend. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know where things are going with Vonda and me, but she’s my sister in Christ first, and I really like that.”
“I understand,” I told him. “I’ve given you a hard time about her, but she’s a cute girl, and she seems to care deeply for you. I hope it works out.”
By that time we were at my front door. His last words were, “Not really sweatin’ it, but maybe it will. But, hey, I’ll be praying that you get a love for Christ that exceeds anything else.”
“Thanks,” I told him. “I need that. And thanks for making tonight … a Christmas dream.”
We hugged. It was an embrace that said good night, but it also felt like good-bye. This was hard to accept. However, I realized I had brought this on myself. Tad was a great person, and I didn’t need to block his blessings any longer.
As he drove off, I prayed, Lord, take care of him.
The next day, which was three days before Christmas, I called my girls. Lynzi’s mom said she wasn’t coming home until Christmas Eve. I told her to let Lynzi know that I’d be waiting to see her. Rain still hadn’t gotten back from her grandmother’s house, but Dymond was home.
“Hey, girl!”
“Payton! What’s up?”
“You sound better. During Thanksgiving you were kind of mean.”
“Don’t hold it against a sistah; it was the stress. I got all A’s.”
“I love it at Howard. It’s different, but once I learned that I was who I was and that was not going to change, I was proud of that … things went great. My mom is calling me. We’re about to go shopping. I’ll call you later. I’m out.”
Later that evening, I started reflecting on my life that semester. I grabbed my jacket and decided to walk the neighborhood. I had my Discman in my coat and was listening to Yolanda Adams, and her lyrics consumed my soul.
Have you ever felt distraught, yet overjoyed, broken up, yet completely together, or wounded, yet as good as new? Well, that was how I felt all semester, that is, until I realized that where I lacked, Christ was sufficient. I was sad that I was a sinner, but I was happy because God sent His only Son to change all of that.
I was broken by the Holy Spirit that had finally won the battle with my flesh. To love God couldn’t be a haphazard thing—one day walking with God, the next doing more talking than walking.
I started getting caught up in what it means to praise God. I was free. I was so thankful that I knew that deep inside, at that moment, I truly loved God. Tears were pouring from my eyes. I had a hunger for holiness.
In my mind as I was weeping, angels were drying my tears. I could feel them blowing new life into my old, tired body. Telling me that I was somebody because I was a child of the King.
Stand tall, Payton, echoed through my heart, like the heart of a brave soldier going to war.
The indigo sky that my heavenly Father created was romancing me like I’d never been romanced before. The wind was whispering in my ear and sending kisses that made me lose my breath. The stars were winking at me and telling me I was beautiful.
Then in that moment of silence and perfection, God said, Payton … I did all this because I love you. Now can you see I am enough?
I sat down on the ground and continued crying because I loved God so much. He was enough. I loved Christ, and I could be anything because He made me something.
“Thank You, Lord,” I said as I raised my hand to the clear, dark night. “Thank You for making a Payton Skky. Thank You for making and loving me.”
I realized that through this whole year, I’d been struggling with self-acceptance. I’d not been trusting God for who He made me to be. So many times, by my words and actions, I’d basically said to God, “What You’ve given me is not enough! I want to be smarter, prettier, more talented.” Now I know that kind of thinking is wrong. I’d been implying God made mistakes when He made me. Forgive me, Lord, I prayed. I know that accepting myself is not a cop-out. I now embrace me.
I didn’t know what tomorrow would hold, but, as the song said, one day I would leave this earthly dwelling. I couldn’t do anything about the past, but from this second forward, I didn’t have to have any more regrets. Never would I forget that I have self-worth, not because of who I am, but because my worth is in Christ.
I was determined to make the best of the rest of my days. I was determined to live my life to the fullest. I realized my very existence was a gift from God, and I was determined to start loving every part.