Reference Lists of Reactive Cycle Elements
Reactive Behaviors
Try to fix the problem with logic, solve it rationally
Agree insincerely, placate
Rationalize, intellectualize to avoid emotions
Make a joke or cute remark, laugh it off
Ignore, pretend it doesn’t matter or you didn’t hear
Avoid, distance yourself
Leave, walk out, move away
Withdraw, hide out
Act confused, freeze up, space out, shut down
Correct other person, argue the point, debate
Defend yourself
Ridicule, get sarcastic
Make insulting noises or faces, roll your eyes
Talk over the other, interrupt
Repeat yourself
Get sullen or sulk
Compare partner to someone “better”
Label, judge, name-call
Complain
Criticize
Lecture, teach, preach
Pursue, push, pressure, prod, provoke
Talk loudly in an anxious tone
Interrogate, question, ask for explanations
Try to prove you are right
Attack or blame
Yell, blow up
Guilt trip
Reactive Stories
In these phrases, change the pronouns “he” and “she” to suit your situation.
I am all alone.”
He shuts me out.”
She is so distant.”
I am way down on the list.”
I always come last.”
He just doesn’t seem to care.”
My feelings don’t matter.”
We are never close anymore.”
She is not that into me.”
I am just not sure I matter.”
It’s like he doesn’t see me.”
I don’t know how to reach her.”
If I didn’t push, we’d never be close.”
He doesn’t really need me at all.”
“Nothing I do is ever enough.”
She doesn’t appreciate me.”
I can never get it right, so I give up.”
I must be flawed somehow.”
I feel like a failure as a mate.”
It just all seems so hopeless.”
I try to keep everything calm.”
I try not to rock the boat.”
I go into my shell where it’s safe.”
I am just not as needy.”
She just gets overemotional.”
I can handle things on my own.”
I don’t know what he is talking about. We’re fine.”
“I try to fix things, to solve the problem.”
Reactive Feelings
Fight
annoyed
irritated
frustrated
angry
resentful
infuriated
Flight
nervous
worried
insecure
anxious
fearful
panicked
hopeless
confused
ashamed
stuck
numb
paralyzed
Body Sensations
Some examples are:
a knot in your stomach
feeling heat or coldness
a tightness somewhere
a constriction or pounding in your chest or belly
a lump in your throat
a weight on your shoulders
a heavy feeling
a fluttering sensation
a pain in your heart
shakiness
tension
Core Feelings
sad
hurt
pained
grief-stricken
lonely
I’m afraid of being. . .
abandoned
rejected
left
all alone
unneeded
insignificant
invisible
ignored
unimportant
flawed
blamed
not good enough
inadequate
a failure
unlovable
controlled
trapped
overwhelmed
suffocated
out of control
helpless
weak
Core Needs
I need to feel . . .
connected to you
accepted by you
appreciated by you
respected by you
needed by you
that you care about me
that I matter to you
that we are a team
that I can count on you
that I can reach out for you
that you’ll comfort me if I’m in distress
that you’ll be there if I need you