The Power of Frequent Coregulation
THE PREVIOUS TWO CHAPTERS presented tools to pause and self-calm whenever your survival alarm gets triggered. Using these tools, you can teach your nervous system to self-regulate when you would otherwise escalate to higher levels of activation. This chapter presents a practice you can use to calm your partner and cultivate a deep and abiding sense of safety in your relationship.
The term for this practice is coregulation. Coregulation refers to how one person offers reassurance to another in ways that calm the person’s nervous system. This is done through key behaviors that speak directly to the person’s emotional centers without interference by the logical mind:
Touch that is supportive, such as a hand on the shoulder or a comforting hug
Eye contact, using a soft, loving gaze
Voice tones that are soothing, such as speaking slowly and softly
Saying short, reassuring phrases like, “We’re okay” or “We’ll work this out”
Coregulation is primarily a biological phenomenon that is delivered body to body. Consider how other species soothe one another and calm distressed nervous systems. Cats and dogs lick and huddle their bodies together. Monkeys hold and groom each other. Humans use touch, holding, eye contact, and reassuring voice tones.
Also, think of what soothes a distressed one-year-old child. Children feel secure and safe when they are held, experience eye contact, and hear a soothing voice. They may not understand the words themselves, but these simple nonverbal behaviors send a message of reassuring safety to any human nervous system — including in adults.
Coregulation helps a distressed partner’s nervous system calm down. More importantly, consistent nonverbal reassurance will change a person’s wiring so that he or she is less likely to get triggered. Eventually, a nervous system that gets frequently coregulated by another person will learn to automatically regulate itself. For a couple, it’s as if you are reparenting each other, helping each other heal old emotional wounds caused by parental abuse, neglect, ignorance, or preoccupation.
Coregulation Fosters Self-Regulation
Frequent coregulation by a partner leads to better self-regulation. Each act of coregulation increases the ability of your higher brain to regulate your alarm system, and it aids your ability to correct false alarms. You can use this practice to help calm each other right before you take a pause. Often a little coregulation before a pause will shorten the time needed for the pause. Sometimes, it might even eliminate the need for the pause.
Recognizing when you are triggered, then pausing and engaging in physical coregulation can dramatically increase your sense of safety in a relationship. Think of yourselves as teammates cooperating to manage reactivity. If either of you notices that a member of the team is running toward the Hole instead of the goal line, you call for a time out to pause and stop moving forward. Then you get into a huddle with your teammate, with a hug or some other form of reassuring touch. Once your nervous systems calm down, you’re ready to get back to the game.
Secure partners are aware and resourceful enough to notice when one person is triggered and to reach out and hug or lovingly touch that person. The effectiveness of such coregulation depends on many things, including how triggered you were before you paused.
For instance, say a pause is called, but you agree it only needs to be for a minute or two. Before saying anything else, you might ask for a hug and say something reassuring like, “Thanks for pausing. I really like how we can do this together!”
On the other hand, let’s say your survival alarms have really taken over and you are both highly triggered. Voices rise, interruptions prevail, and accusations are flying. Finally, one of you calls for a pause and says, “I’ll need an hour before I can continue discussing this topic.”
You agree to separate for an hour and come back together. It’s still helpful to first engage in some physical coregulation. You might say, “Okay, but could we please hug first? I know we can get through this and eventually get back to feeling good.” That brief hug and reassurance can help you both calm down a bit before you separate.
A basic foundation for feeling safe in a primary relationship is the availability of physical coregulation. Be liberal with supportive touch and hugging, especially when someone is upset. Learn to take a breath, slow down, and shift your own voice tone so that it is soothing and calming. If you speak, say something friendly. Reassure your partner that he or she is important and/or that everything will be okay. Say “I love you.” Mention something you appreciate about your partner. These simple moves can do a lot to calm down alarms that have been unintentionally set off.
Frequent Coregulation Changes Brain Wiring
Beyond its use as a tool to navigate triggered states, coregulation is a powerful practice for helping both partners feel more consistently safe and secure. It helps you hear and respond to each other better, no matter what the subject is — even potentially charged topics.
Frequent coregulation builds a foundation of mutual appreciation, safety, warmth, and well-being. It reassures us that we are safe, that we matter, that we are accepted and valued. It wires in stronger connections between higher brain centers and the alarm system. This leads us to associate being in our partner’s presence with feeling safe.
One of the major advantages to being in a primary relationship is the availability of coregulation from someone we depend on. Being comforted when we’re in distress adds to our inner sense of strength and resilience when we face life’s many challenges. Perhaps this is one of the primary gifts of the fact that biologically we are dyadic creatures — that we are designed to pair up. It pays to take advantage of this gift that nature has given us. The strongest source of coregulation for us as adults is with our intimate partner. It can be remarkably life-enhancing and even life-extending.
Many of us have opted for self-sufficiency as the preferred way of handling difficulties, when nearby we have a partner whom we could lean on. Research shows that frequent coregulation is not only good for emotional well-being. It also dramatically benefits physical health and longevity.
A study done by Jim Coan and his colleagues demonstrates the power of coregulation.* Women were placed inside a special magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, the type of device hospitals use for brain scans. While inside this machine, the women were periodically shown one of two letters, an “X” or an “O.” If an “O” appeared, nothing at all would happen. But if an “X” came up, then some moments later the women might feel a shock on their ankle. Brain scans of the women during the experiment showed how areas of the brain associated with reacting to threat were quickly activated if an “X” appeared, whether or not a shock followed. Nothing surprising about that.
However, on certain trials, the woman’s husband would be present, holding her hand. In cases when the woman’s hand was held, the level of activation in the wife’s alarm system was considerably reduced. In other words, having her hand held by her husband directly downshifted activation in her survival alarm. These women also reported experiencing less physical discomfort or pain when a shock did occur.
Incidentally, a stranger holding a woman’s hand would also reduce her perceived pain, but only by half as much as when her husband held it. Note that this deactivation was accomplished simply by hand-holding. Because the women were inside a large fMRI machine, eye contact and broader supportive touch was not possible.
These results demonstrate the power of coregulation to ease distress. There is nothing more powerful for the nervous system than supportive touch, eye contact, soothing voice tones, and simple reassuring messages. From infancy through adulthood, these are the behaviors that calm us and help us feel safe.
Secure Couples Coregulate Often
Ongoing coregulation is vital for a healthy and secure human relationship. When there is distress, partners who respond to each other with these coregulating behaviors promote secure functioning. But even when there is no distress, securely attached couples coregulate as a normal part of daily life together.
Whenever partners depart or arrive, they connect. Coming home is greeted with hugs, eye contact, and welcoming voice tones. They embrace or kiss before they leave for work, and they hold each other before they go to sleep at night and when they awaken in the morning. Essentially, because they received this kind of coregulation in childhood, they naturally tend to want it, ask for it, and give it freely and frequently.
If you have not experienced much physical coregulation with a partner, the above may sound excessive. Usually, if you feel uncomfortable with such behaviors, it reflects a lack of consistent touch, holding, and eye contact received from your own early caregivers. But you needed these things then, and you still need them now — probably more than ever! Even if you never received much coregulation as a youngster, your nervous system will still respond to coregulatory support today. This is the most fundamental medicine we can get and give each other to heal reactive patterns in relationships.
What Are Your Relationship Habits?
Reflect for a moment on each of these questions regarding how you tend to relate with an intimate partner:
How often do you engage in touch or eye contact as a part of daily relating?
How easily do you ask for touch, hugs, or eye contact as a normal part of relating?
How easily do you offer touch, holding, or eye contact when your partner is upset?
How often do you approach your partner and ask to be held, touched, or given eye contact when you are upset or stressed?
How do you respond to touch or eye contact from your partner?
If your answers to the questions above reflect that touch and eye contact are sparse in your relationship, you might want to change that. A great time to hold each other and gaze into each other’s eyes is whenever you and your partner separate or reunite throughout the course of a normal day.
To increase your awareness of what would feel good to you, do the following visualization exercise:
1. First, review in your mind’s eye what you do now when you and your partner separate and reunite. Play the movie in your head of a typical scene when someone arrives home. Imagine it as if you are watching two actors on a screen.
2. Now be the director of that movie. Ask the actors to change the emotional tone of the scene so that it looks like your ideal of a loving couple reuniting. Have the actors engage in warm physical touch, hugging, eye contact, and friendly greetings. Watch the scene again, letting these loving elements emerge in their own way.
3. Go through several more takes of the scene, making suggestions as the director, until the actors finally do it just the way you’d like it to be.
4. Now jump into the screen and merge with the actor who is playing your part. Do that scene again, this time experiencing it as the person arriving home or greeting the other’s arrival. Notice the gleaming eyes and smiling face of your partner, who is so happy to see you. Sense the warm physical touch and supportive feelings in your embrace.
If you are interested in increasing the frequency of physical coregulation in your partnership, this visualization is a good start. Then talk to your partner about bringing these behaviors into your daily life, so that you engage in more supportive touch and physical warmth with each other.
Start a Hugging Practice
If you both agree that you want to increase the coregulatory behaviors in your relationship, here are a couple of practices you can use.
Consciously engage in hugging with your partner. This may be uncomfortable if you do not normally hug each other — especially if you have unresolved issues. The practice is this: while hugging, feel any sensations in your body that indicate tension or discomfort — and then keep hugging until you feel yourself relax. It may take several minutes to feel sufficiently relaxed. Some couples prefer to do this while lying down together. Do this hugging practice in whatever position feels right to both of you, and feel free to experiment with different positions. Anyone can change position at any time to find more comfort in the connection.
Couples therapist Stan Tatkin takes this practice to another level and suggests that you hug until you feel your partner’s body relax. As you embrace, close your eyes. Feel the palms of your hands on your partner’s back. Don’t rub or massage your partner. Just keep your hands still, and focus on the sensation of touch. See if you can sense your partner’s muscle tension and breathing. Notice as your partner’s body shifts to a more relaxed state. Stay with the practice until you feel his or her body relax; meanwhile, your partner is doing the same for you. Again, allow yourselves to shift your posture anytime to increase comfort in the connection.
Hugging is not holding still like a statue. It’s a process, with the goal being relaxation. Let yourselves be as fussy as you want; shift your body, in any way and at any time, to maximize comfort. Especially notice your head and neck positioning. A shorter partner may crane the neck back, which is not comfortable to sustain. If your neck cranes back, try repositioning your head to curve slightly down, tucking your face into the soft cushion of your partner’s chest.
Doing these practices whenever either of you arrives home will establish new, positive experiences of coregulation in your life together. If you make this a priority over anything else that needs to be done, it will create a stronger bond between you. If you have kids or pets, they will also benefit from your greater relaxation and calm.
Asking for a Hug, Eye Contact, or Supportive Touch
Many of us still need to develop the skill of requesting supportive touch. By asking for what you need, even if it’s new, you give your relationship an opportunity to heal you.
If asking for touch feels new or risky, either to you or your partner, then it can help to make an agreement together to add more coregulation to your life. This can be as simple as agreeing that both of you can ask for supportive touch at any time, and that the other will always agree to respond positively. Or, you could be more formal and specific. Here are some possible elements of such an agreement.
We agree that it’s good to ask to be supportively held, hugged, or touched.
We agree that it’s good to ask for eye contact.
We agree that it’s good to admit when we feel distressed and want supportive coregulation.
When asked, we will respond positively, with some appropriate form of coregulation.
We will give and receive coregulating touch predominantly in silence.
When we are coregulating physically, we will track our body sensations and stay in contact until we relax (and until we feel each other relax).
While in contact, we can shift body posture to increase physical comfort. Being fussy is encouraged. Being stiff or uncomfortable will block coregulation.
Use this agreement to intentionally bring more coregulation into your interactions. Aim to be generous and responsive to your partner’s requests. Certainly, there may be times when you won’t want to be that close — even if it could help. Sometimes you may be too activated. Don’t force it. This agreement is not meant to trap you or to become obligatory. Be especially mindful if one of you has a fear of being trapped or controlled. Coregulation is meant to soothe activation, not to trigger it further. If one of you has significant difficulty with methods of coregulation like hugging for several minutes or maintaining eye contact, find an alternative. For instance, if frontal hugging is triggering, try side-to-side body contact or even back-to-back. If steady eye contact is too uncomfortable, use brief but frequent intervals of eye contact.
Don’t wait to ask for coregulation until you feel distressed. Ask for it when things are calm as well. Introduce it as a practice to increase your overall sense of connection.
While you are receiving supportive touch, practice asking your partner for the specific kind of touch you want, whether it be a hug or the placement of a hand on a particular part of your body. When receiving, let in your partner’s support. Experience how it enters your nervous system. Move your attention out of your head and into your body. Track all the sensations associated with the touch your partner is offering. It’s usually best to do this primarily in silence. But feel free to report your sensations and feelings if you wish.
Giving Supportive Touch
It’s important also to find out what kind of supportive touch your partner wants. If you are new to this, you might experiment with some of the options listed below.
Put your hand on your partner’s shoulder or forearm.
Put your palm on your partner’s heart.
Put your hand on your partner’s back, behind where he or she feels sensations of distress.
Put your hand on your partner’s front where he or she feels sensations of distress.
Hug in a standing position.
Sit together on the couch and hold your partner.
Sit with your partner’s head on your lap as he or she lies on the couch.
Experiment and combine techniques. For instance, sit together comfortably on a couch and place your palm on or near where sensations of distress are located in your partner’s body. Or sit on the couch, allowing your partner to lie down with his or her head in your lap, and rest your palm on top of the heart area. The best kind of touch for coregulation is steady, solid, still contact using your palm, rather than massaging, patting, or moving your hand. Your palm is a superb energy-sensing device. Tune in to whatever you can sense with your palm as it touches your partner — breathing, muscle tension, energy vibrations. Simply being calm, steady, and attentive will coregulate your partner.
Though coregulating touch is best done in silence, if you both agree, describe or discuss what you are both sensing, so you can adjust and improve the experience. Ask your partner about his or her body sensations and if they change with your touch. Are relaxing or nourishing sensations showing up? Occasionally ask if your partner would like a lighter or firmer touch or to change the location or position of your hand. As your partner feels relief or relaxation, maintain this position for a while to stabilize this experience.
You can also notice and share your body sensations. This will keep your attention focused on the present instead of on your fear stories. Whatever is said, be an empathetic listener. In essence, you want to communicate, “You are all right. We are safe. We will get through this together.” Coregulation promotes self-regulation.
Frequent Coregulation Helps Lessen False Alarms
Sometimes, when your safety alarm gets triggered, danger does lurk nearby (though it’s rarely a tiger anymore). Still, the fact is that most of the time you experience a false alarm. You don’t need to rapidly get more energy into your limbs or anesthetize yourself. As you get good at self-regulation, you will be able to self-correct false alarms and avoid going into states of fight, flight, or freeze.
Frequent coregulation with your partner strengthens the braking mechanism in your brain, improving self-regulation. Instead of having an accelerator stuck to the floor — going full speed to the Hole — your nervous system can slow down and give you breathing room to make different choices.
Partners with good self-regulatory circuits can move more slowly through conversations about issues or potentially charged topics. There are natural pauses in their discussions — plenty of room for both parties to be heard and understood. They feel safe together, even as they discuss something that could otherwise trigger reactivity.
For trust and intimacy to flourish, we all need to get better at detecting false alarms. And we need to quickly catch and put a halt to reactivity when alarms start to ring.
Recall the first story about Donna and Eric in chapter 1. Donna was triggered by Eric’s flat voice tone as he gave her advice about her boss. If she had been better at self-regulation, her higher brain might have been able to reassure her that she was in no real danger and that Eric’s response did not indicate a lack of love or respect. After her initial trigger, she would have realized that Eric had no ill intent and that she was safe with him.
With better access to her higher brain, she would have asked for a brief pause, giving her time to discharge her anxiety and discover what had triggered her. She might have told Eric, “I appreciate you for wanting to help me solve this problem — and I want to hear more. But right now, I’d prefer if you just held me. Then I’d like you to just listen to my feelings about what happened at work. It feels so good being held in your arms and having you hear me.”
But as it does with most of us, Donna’s survival alarm took over. Instead of receiving an automatic self-reassurance of safety, the meaning-making part of her brain tried to explain her escalating levels of adrenaline with a story: “Eric is talking down to me like I’m stupid! He doesn’t respect me!” Believing this worst-case analysis, she spoke out defensively and angrily, which triggered Eric. This trigger-upon-trigger situation is extremely common. The term for this is cotriggering.
Receiving coregulation improves brain wiring. It helps us develop a stronger connection between the part of the brain that gets activated and the part of the brain that can spot false alarms and reassure us of safety. If, as children, we were held when we were distressed, then we developed a better capacity to self-regulate. If we did not get held enough in childhood, then we need to receive more coregulation now.
Couples who realize this will do their best to put the brakes on any distressing interaction and provide coregulation as soon as possible. They hold each other in some way until a sense of calm returns. And they do it even when they are least inclined — when they feel upset or triggered. This paves the way for repair, constructive discussion, and problem solving.
Cotriggering Is Inevitable, Coregulating Is a Choice
When a partner’s alarm is ringing, it is almost impossible not to get triggered as well. Below the level of your conscious mind, neural circuits continuously detect the emotional state of other people, as reflected in nonverbal cues like facial expressions and voice tones. You may or may not be consciously aware of these cues. But your subcortical brain is always scanning like radar, and your alarm may quickly become activated if your partner’s face or voice appears to be that of a foe rather than a friend. Also, through what scientists call limbic resonance, your partner’s state of distress may be duplicated within your own body without anyone realizing it.
The bottom line is that if your partner is triggered, you will soon feel triggered, too — and vice-versa. On the other hand, if you consciously act to stay relaxed and open, your partner is more likely to return to a calm state, especially if you engage in coregulation.
So whenever anyone’s survival alarm is activated, cotriggering will naturally occur — unless we do something to change it. It is at this point that we reach an important intersection: one road escalates the conflict and leads to the Hole, and the other road goes in the opposite direction, in which we coregulate, downshift activation levels, and reassure each other that we are safe.
Most reactive incidents are under way before you realize it. Usually, by the time you do recognize you are activated, you have already unconsciously cotriggered your partner. Only when we become more aware of triggering — even at low levels — can we change this automatic pattern. Once you recognize the signs of activation, you can pause and calm yourself, then use physical coregulation to reassure each other. When coregulation is needed, words often confuse things more. Words are too often used as a cover-up for feelings. Instead, through physical touch, you put each other solidly on a new road to overcoming reactive cycles.
* James A. Coan, Hillary S. Schaefer, and Richard J. Davidson, “Lending a Hand: Social Regulation of the Neural Threat Response,” Psychological Science 17, no. 12 (December 2006): 1,032–39.