Take Stock of How You Communicate
MOST OF US SUFFER FROM SOME DEGREE of insecure functioning without realizing it. Our personalities are riddled with defensive habits that block our capacity to speak openly about our feelings and needs. This developed in infancy, as a result of the caregiving we received, and it differs for each of us, depending on our specific circumstances (see chapter 6).
It is part of the human condition to have insecurities buried deep in the unconscious mind. These insecurities will, of course, live on into adulthood and affect how we express our feelings and needs in relationships. But it really is possible to heal our patterns of insecure functioning — and to help each other heal in the context of a secure adult relationship.
The first step in self-healing is developing the ability to objectively observe how you show up in life — how your personality has constructed itself to help you feel safe in the world. The way to do this is by being curious about your patterns of verbal and nonverbal communication — those patterns that make it difficult for you to hear a partner’s upset feelings or to express your own feelings and needs.
If we could recall what it was like when we reached out for connection or reassurance at the age of six months, we would have an easier time understanding how our communication patterns began. Most experts hold, however, that our ability to remember only goes back to around age two. So in many cases, our insecurities originated before we had the words to describe our experiences.
To gain more awareness of our automatic patterns, it is useful to look in some detail at what we can remember from childhood and identify events that were painful, frustrating, or uncomfortable. Most of us — even if we have not had therapy — can remember some events in childhood that may have led to sensitivities, insecurities, or reactive communication habits.
Here is one of Eric’s early memories of how he was treated: “I am in my bed crying in a darkish room. I must have been about three years old. I am upset that my mother isn’t home. She was a working mom and sometimes didn’t get home until late. I am pounding on my bed and crying. My grandma comes in, tells me to stop being a baby and to act like a ‘big boy,’ and then leaves. So right away I stop crying. I feel sad and resigned. I shut down.”
For avoidant children like Eric, the only way his brain found to calm itself was by disengaging, numbing the pain of not having his needs met, and adopting some substitute strategy — like staying busy with toys, being compliant, being good, and trying to be invisible.
One of Donna’s childhood memories was going with her mother to a medical appointment: “She tells me to stay in the waiting room while she goes into the doctor’s examination room. I am four. I am afraid to be left alone. I tell my mom I want to go in with her. She ignores me and walks away, disappearing into the next room. I get up to follow her. She comes back and pushes me down into a small child-size chair and tells me to shut up. I start screaming that I don’t want her to leave me. She keeps walking away. That’s all I remember. I think I was shaking and crying — because I was so scared and because I thought she didn’t care about me. I wonder if that incident had anything to do with why I was always so afraid when my mom would leave me alone. Maybe I thought she was trying to get rid of me.”
Preoccupied children like Donna may suffer a pattern of fearing abandonment and then acting clingy. When these children do not get what they want, they can react by yelling, throwing tantrums, or by engaging in some form of angry protest. As adults they may feel so much anxiety around their needs that they come across as manipulative or bossy.
How We Learn the Wrong Thing
Unfortunately, the emotional vocabularies of both Eric and Donna were shaped by their early frustrating experiences trying to get their needs met. Thus, they learned to reach for a sword or shield instead of expressing their needs in an open, vulnerable way.
This is an example of learning the wrong thing about how to get your needs met. Many of us had similar frustrations growing up, whether we remember specific events or not. Maybe we expressed ourselves spontaneously and were hurt or frightened by an adult’s reaction of anger or criticism. Or we were so often ignored that we drew the conclusion that “It does no good to express my needs. No one will respond.”
Few of us are encouraged to fully express our feelings as children. So most people end up with negative expectations around expressing needs. When these get triggered, we rely on self-protective strategies we learned in childhood — strategies like pretending not to care or coaxing to get our way.
In this book, we use the term control patterns to refer to such unconscious, automatic strategies, which in general are attempts to feel in control rather than to feel vulnerable. Control patterns represent all the automatic ways we have learned to avoid experiencing emotional discomfort — especially the discomfort or pain associated with having our emotional needs frustrated.
Communicating with a sword or a shield are two classic control patterns. There are many other patterns, too. Most of us do not realize how often we speak in self-protective ways. So we get shocked when a partner misunderstands the intent of our actions or fails to meet our needs. If you want to be understood, it’s important to become aware of your control patterns and learn to express directly what you feel and need.
Let’s start by looking at how your early experiences may have shaped your communication style. This will help you identify which control patterns you resort to when you feel anxious or upset. Once you become conscious of these patterns, you can pause and notice what you are really feeling or wanting and express this instead.
A Self-Guided Tour of Childhood
Control patterns are unconscious communication and listening habits that are so deeply wired into our brains that they have become part of what we think of as our personalities. You can uncover your control patterns by looking at how well your needs were met in early life. To help you do this, take the following self-guided tour of childhood. This describes the needs that all children have growing up — male and female, rich and poor. Slowly read through the list, notice if anything brings up a memory from your own early years, and jot down the thoughts, feelings, and memories that come up.
If you are reading this book with a partner, do the exercise together. Read it out loud and interview each other, taking notes on the memories and feelings that are evoked. This will help you better understand each other’s buttons and insecurities.
All Children Need Protection
Did your parents stand up for you? If you felt unprotected, you may have learned to be vigilant about whether you are safe or about who to trust. You might worry about being let down, betrayed, abandoned, or having your boundaries violated. You may be sensitive to not being seen or to your voice not having any effect.
Sometimes this results in the control pattern of giving up or giving in too soon when there is a disagreement. You assume you won’t be heard, so why even try? On the other hand, some people develop patterns like being aggressive, controlling, or testing a partner’s loyalty. They fear that if they let their guard down, they will be taken advantage of. They look for any evidence they are not being cared for, protected, or respected. They may tend to provoke or even bait a partner when they feel insecure.
All Children Need Loving Attention
Do you have memories of your parents looking into your eyes and expressing appreciation in some way, like, “I love you,” or “You’re such a great kid.” Did they say that for no reason, or only if you did well in school or sports? Did they spend time hanging out with you? Was their affection easily available or inconsistent?
If you did not get such attention, you might have a control pattern of looking for evidence that you are not loved, valued, or accepted the way you are. You may believe your worth depends on how much you do and how well you perform. You may fear being a failure or not being good enough. Or you might be sensitive to feeling neglected, ignored, or abandoned.
All Children Need Coregulation
Do you have specific memories of running to a parent when you were upset or frightened? How did that parent respond? Do you remember getting held, touched supportively, and being reassured in a soft, loving tone? How consistently did each parent offer this when you were upset, crying, or just in need of some attention?
Was there one parent you didn’t or wouldn’t run to? Did you ever end up feeling you had to handle your feelings on your own? If you lack specific memories of such things, or if you do not remember being touched or held, this suggests that you probably received little coregulation when you were distressed. Today, as an adult, you will probably have a control pattern of hiding your vulnerable core needs behind a sword or a shield.
All Children Need Help Expressing Their Feelings
Can you recall a parent regularly asking how you felt? Did you receive help putting your feelings into words? Parents help us develop an emotional vocabulary by asking us questions like, “How are you feeling? Are you feeling a little sad today because Tommy is away? Do you miss playing with him?” They also help us see what is under our reactions: “Are you mad at Joey? Did it hurt when he called you a sissy?” This helps the child feel okay to be vulnerable and to talk about feelings.
As children, many of us receive little or no help identifying or expressing feelings, so we end up with limited emotional vocabularies. We may especially avoid showing our softer, more vulnerable feelings.
All Children Need Help Understanding Others
Similar to helping children express their own feelings, well-functioning parents help children understand the feelings of others. They ask questions that help children put themselves in the shoes of another person, perhaps to understand the impact we have on others. “Why did Sue call you selfish yesterday? Did she get mad when you took your doll back? Do you think maybe that hurt her feelings?” Questions like these help us understand and accept the emotions of others.
Do you recall having such discussions with your parents? Did they help you see what was going on with your siblings or friends? If you did not learn how to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, you may tend to overlook other peoples’ needs and feelings. You may get defensive if someone is unhappy with you. You may get puzzled when others see you as self-centered or insensitive.
All Children Need Guidance and Encouragement
Do you recall going to a parent to help you do your homework or learn a new skill (like throwing a ball)? Did they patiently help and encourage you? Do you recall a parent saying anything like, “You have a special talent for science,” or “You don’t have to be the best. You can make mistakes, and I’ll still be proud of you for trying.”
Or were you generally left on your own to discover your unique abilities or to learn basic life skills? This can be frustrating, and it can lead to a control pattern of trying to remain invisible. You may have a fear of failure or a fear of being exposed. You may get triggered when someone expects too much of you. On the other hand, you may have become quite independent — not expecting anything from anybody, perhaps thinking nobody can do it as well as you can. In this case, acting self-sufficient and not asking for help would be your control patterns.
All Children Need Helpful Feedback
Many parents expect too much, and the feedback they give is unrealistic and often harsh. Children end up feeling they’re not performing well enough. Later in life this can lead to a control pattern of perfectionism or of defensiveness in the face of critical feedback — even constructive advice. Unrealistically high parental expectations can produce a core fear of not being good enough.
Other parents don’t give much attention or feedback at all. Their children don’t get much information about the effectiveness of their efforts or about the fact that they do have an impact on others. In this case, you might have a button about being neglected or about someone not being there for you.
Taking Inventory of Your Control Patterns
After finishing your self-guided tour of childhood, you may have identified several areas where your basic needs were not met. You may begin to see how your fear buttons and control patterns originated. Ultimately, as children, no one gets all their needs met, everyone develops fear buttons, and we all avoid or cover up our button reactions with control patterns. This is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s really important to be able to name your control patterns and fear buttons and accept them as part of the human condition. When we name things that have been largely unconscious, those things have less power over us.
This section helps name some of the most common control patterns. Each item in the list below describes a behavior. Identifying the behaviors that you exhibit will help you notice when you are using a control pattern. Then you can choose your response rather than reacting automatically. You can step back and say to yourself, “I’m doing it again,” or “I’m in a pattern here.” Once you recognize a control pattern, you are better able to look beneath this behavior for your authentic feelings and needs.
In the list of behaviors below, check off any you recognize in yourself. You can also do this as a way to identify control patterns you see in your partner (or former partners). If you feel particularly courageous, ask your partner which of these behaviors he or she observes in you. An unconscious pattern may be invisible to you, but it can impact your partner and limit trust and intimacy. Most people find a dozen or more behaviors on this list that they recognize in themselves. Use this knowledge to identify how you may be unintentionally triggering reactivity or mistrust in your partner.
Find this exercise in the online workbook’s “Control Patterns” section (available at www.fiveminuterelationshiprepair.com).
Replying too quickly rather than taking in what was said
Obsessing over what you did wrong or might have done wrong
Obsessing about a decision you need to make
Before taking action, reviewing over and over what could go wrong
Taking action or jumping into a situation impulsively, without assessing consequences
Giving gifts or favors in order to win approval or acceptance
Anticipating a partner’s needs as a way to avoid some imagined negative consequence
Trying to “help” or “improve” a situation or person instead of expressing your feelings
Making sacrifices for others, secretly hoping they’ll do the same for you
Asking indirectly for what you want, as in, “Wouldn’t you like to go out for dinner?”
Putting on an act in order to look good or maintain a positive image
Blaming your mood or emotional state on your partner
Justifying, overexplaining, or defending yourself when someone gets upset with you
Reframing things as “for the best” to avoid painful feelings (either your own or another’s)
Retreating into a world of your imagination, fantasizing about “something better”
Lying or withholding information to keep the peace
Thinking “this is not a big deal” (to minimize or ignore an important issue)
Staying silent or saying, “I’m fine,” or “Nothing’s wrong,” when you are displeased
Walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting a partner
When someone brings up a past upset, pushing to move forward and “let go” of the past
Agreeing too quickly before checking in with yourself about your own needs
Telling people what they want to hear while suppressing your needs or opinions
Making a joke or cute remark in order to laugh off and avoid your deeper feelings
Assuming you hear criticism from others when someone does not mean to be critical
Suspecting hidden agendas and double messages, or doubting what you hear
Jumping to conclusions about what someone means
Framing a problem or issue in the most pessimistic or negative way
Giving more information or talking more than is asked for or needed
Filling up silences with irrelevant chatter
Overgeneralizing as a conversational habit, talking in platitudes
Instead of staying focused on one issue, elaborating a whole list of issues
Giving advice or making helpful suggestions instead of just listening
Taking a long time to say things, being “thorough,” covering all contingencies
Bringing up the past and going over the same topic repeatedly
Repeating what you’ve already said (when this is not needed)
Telling others what they should do (instead of feeling how their actions affect you)
Obsessing about how things should be or how the other person should be
Lecturing or preaching with a superior tone
Habitually correcting the other person, arguing the point, debating the facts
Labeling, name-calling, or judging the other person (instead of feeling your upset)
Acting angry, forceful, or indignant to get the upper hand
Taking an “it’s my way or the highway” stance
Using self-deprecating preambles, such as, “I’m no expert, but . . .”
Questioning like an interrogator, demanding explanations
Asking a question and then answering it yourself before the other has a chance
Getting sullen or sulking, muttering to yourself
Snickering or laughing to oneself in a judgmental or superior way
Rationalizing, intellectualizing, or using logic to avoid emotions
Protecting yourself from intrusions or demands by avoiding the other person
As you may have noticed, all the behaviors in this list are motivated by a wish to avoid experiencing uncomfortable or insecure feelings. They all hide what you are really feeling or wanting — from yourself and from others. The fact that we frequently use such control patterns indicates how often we do not feel safe enough to reveal our needs, wants, and deeper emotions. These patterns emerged in childhood, when we learned that expressing ourselves vulnerably did not work or just left us feeling even more alone.
Now, as adults, we find ourselves in relationships that in some ways reflect our early experiences in life. But now, armed with greater self-awareness, we can help each other heal from such unfortunate programming. We can become interested and curious about what our control patterns are and what they are designed to protect us from. We can be alert to when we use these to cover up a sense of vulnerability or the fact that we are triggered.
Identifying our control patterns gives us new personal power and new options for relating more intimately and safely. We can learn what our real needs are underneath our attempts to feel in control. We can discover how letting ourselves feel our frustrations, fears, or pains can help us know our true needs and take appropriate action.