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I grow tired of seeing the dormant Hellscape. The same dull lifeless hunk of rock awaiting for a spark to ignite its purpose, to give it form. A realm not possessing character of its own without sins to fuel its creativity. It feels like I have been here for ages, and each sin I face leaves me feeling different. I’m changing with each experience feeling closer to God but less dependent on him. There is some sort of source I feel within myself and each sin I face it gets closer to the surface.
Feeling the tension leave my body, Agro drops out of my pant leg and relaxes his fingers like it’s a sigh of relief.
“Nice of you to join me again, Agro. I would really prefer if you didn’t hide up my pant leg again you know, because it's not... well... best for moving around comfortably in certain areas.”
Agro puts his pointer finger up in the air and waves it in a circular motion. I'm pretty sure that’s his way of telling me to get over it. Looking out over the Hellscape I let out a sigh of relief of my own, preparing for the next trial. I remove the bag of marbles from my pocket. The marbles are still warm to the touch swirling with light. I withdraw a marble filled with an orange colored light and just stare at it.
“I wonder what's at the end of all this. I'm facing sins with no clues to my mothers whereabouts, but still feel the need to push forward. Agro, do you have anyone you're thinking about seeing again?"
Agro just sits there holding still looking like he is not going to respond and then just shrugs at his knuckles like they are his shoulders.
“No one then? Well who knows what the future holds Agro.”
I hope that with each marble I become one step closer to getting out of here. One step closer to finding my mother, and one step closer to finding out my own fate. Marble in hand I crush it in my grip. Orange flames spill out from around my fingers changing the Hellscape. Somehow I just knew the flame within the marble wouldn’t hurt me, that in fact it’s familiar like I had put it there myself.
The Hellscape gets brighter with each section that burns away until the image created by the shift becomes clear. I find myself standing in a park brightly lit by the warm rays of the sun. People walking, smiling, and talking to each other just enjoying the day. This didn’t seem like Hell at all. Nothing tortuous, dark, or macabre. Just warmth, light, and normal every day activity.
“David, hey over here,” calls out a man sitting at a picnic table.
“Yeah you come on over and take a seat,” says the man sitting at the table.
I wanted to be very guarded expecting this happy world to fall away and turn into something twisted at any moment. I have faced smart asses, killer collections, flesh eating man rabbits, and leather face inspired sloths. I’m sure even if the man at the picnic table meant me harm I would be able to manage. I look down at my feet to tell Agro to come along since I keep forgetting about him following me, but when I look down he isn’t there. I spin around a bit with my arms out looking for him and then catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. Agro had found a swing set and managed to start swinging himself carelessly. The image of it makes me smile as I start heading towards the stranger.
“Don’t be alarmed David. You have seen your share of oddities here in the Hellscape already. I just want you to come sit down and have a talk with me. No games, no fighting, just talking. Let me introduce myself David. My name is Erik and I am an agent of sin for pride,” Erik says while sticking his hand out to shake mine.
So proper for being an agent of sin. Erik seems so average, so normal. Knowing the nature of this place, I know Eric at his core is something to not be trusted, but I can’t help but think what if some of the agents of sin are strong people that just barely missed the mark of not going to Hell. If a man goes to prison for killing someone I understand not trusting them off of that alone, but if a man goes to prison for tax evasion in order to feed his family, should he be considered a bad man? Is Hell the kind of place that would chew people up without considering their intentions, or is it a place that judges by face value alone?
Would Hell torture a pan handling grandma that didn’t live in poverty but suffered from being greedy, but spare the man who loves to kill, but only kills to protect others? Who is truly judging those here in Hell? The Devil, our own guilt, or some sort of Hell upper management? Such questions tend to destroy peoples faith, but such questions just make me want to search harder to find the truth.
“Mr. Blackthorne are you ok?” Erik asks with his head tilt to one side.
“Oh... yes I was just lost in thought for a bit. What is it you want from me Erik?”
“Well David it’s as I said before I am an agent of pride so I would like to have a conversation about pride with you and the effect it has had on your life.”
It made me think back to my conversation with envy. The conversation was easy to turn on him, but envy acted like he was at a job he hated as where Erik is acting like this is something casual that he enjoys talking about. This conversation is going to take me all over the place because pride is one of those things that blends in seamlessly with the good and the bad.
“Erik, go ahead and ask away,” I say thinking of the conversations I had with Death.
“Thank you kindly David. The first thing I wanted to ask you David is did you find pride in being a father?”
“Well what father wouldn’t be proud of their son doing well in life, reaching goals, and doing good in the world?”
“David, that isn’t the question I asked you. I asked if you found pride in being a father?”
“Yes. Being proud of my son would mean I would be proud of how my raising him had turned out. If my son was a horrible person I would blame myself for not raising him well.”
“But David isn’t pride a sin?”
“It can be Erik. Pride is an emotion that can be both good or bad depending on the intention behind feeling it. Taking pride in my son choosing to be a good person, I can see no harm or anything sinful in that. Taking pride in something negative is when pride becomes a sin.”
“Well I see the division you are creating but isn’t there a fine line between the two? Does pride not come before the fall David?”
“The fall Erik comes from letting pride cross from good intentions too bad, but is pride itself at the base, or does pride become bad when you combine it with other sins? Pride from positive emotion creates positive outcomes, but combine it with intentions rooted in vanity, wouldn’t the nature of pride change?”
“David, why would some forms of pride be ok if it’s in fact a sin? Is there such a thing as a lesser sin sinning in degrees, or does all pride lead to downfall so thus all pride is sin? David, would you see removing another living things limb as a lesser from of murder or an act of violence? Is violence just murder in the making? Can lesser murder be seen as ok since it didn’t result in death?”
“That would all depend on your point of view or definition of what pride is and what makes it a sin Erik.”
“David, are you really stooping to the low of good and evil perspectives? When it comes to playing the game of perspectives, it allows people to just say their way is right and yours is wrong because you don't possess enough knowledge, or lack crucial experience to know how something feels. That means good is whatever I choose it to be, and good will always cater to my feelings, freeing me of personal thoughts that might question my own intentions. That all that opposes my feelings must be evil.”
“Well if there is a fine science to it Erik how does Hell choose what's good, and what's evil? How does Hell determine black and white from the gray?”
“Are you yourself interested in becoming an agent of sin David?”
“Erik, your side stepping the question.”
“Well from the perspective of the Hellscape, guilt weighs in on the process of determining a sin.”
“But! What if a man commits a sin free of any guilt Erik? Is that sin not weighed against him, or does it possess more weight since it was committed free of guilt?”
“Like you said David, it all comes back to intention.”
“If it comes back to intention, that means that there are positives and negatives in this world, black and white, so good and evil would have to exist.”
“Well if I agreed with you David how would you define the difference between the positive action in life versus the negative ones?”
That’s not a question I was prepared for. I have to really think about what I is being asked. In my mind I struggle to find the words. I struggle even more trying to understand the emotionally driven words that just want to burst out of me. The key thing that kept repeating itself in this conversation is intentions. I take a deep breath focusing on the intent of answering Erik’s question void of ego or emotional clutter. A sense of connectivity comes over me and the words just appear in my mind.
“Erik, positive actions add to one's life or the lives of others without taking away from any other living being, yielding creation as a result. Negative actions take away from others but most importantly yourself leading you to a state of spiritual death.”
Erik sits in silence just staring at me. Taking in the words, digesting them. Looking for a weakness in my statement that he could mentally gnaw on. I thought I saw frustration in his face, but a sense of stoic focus then comes over him.
“Who are you David to set the standards of what good and evil are?”
“If Hell responds to the guilt within a soul then that would mean I am my own judge. That the truth within me, void of my ego, is the standard that I am held to. That perspective falls away when the nature of the universe is truth. That truth is a force within the world in its own right, not an idea to be defined by individuals. That guilt is nothing more than the soul acknowledging the truth within the forces of our existence. The nature of truth is to be found and the Hellscape does nothing more than show it to us. That Hell is just a process of coming to terms with truth or living an eternity of denial.”
“I see David,” Erik gently whispers, barely audible.
“Erik, that would leave the question. Do agents of sin see that truth but cant work past the guilt it causes, because I'm sure if they could work past it they would have not ended up in Hell.”
“David, pride defines a person while neglecting others, for pride without neglecting others is just simple joy. You took pride in being a father and in working hard to see your boy do well. You also took pride in your service to God. Did anyone suffer for this pride David? Did your wife lose time with you so you could give it to your congregation? Did your boy not lose one day a week of your time so you could show love to others besides him? Was what you felt pride or joy David?”
“It was no doubt pride that I felt. I felt pride in helping others. I felt pride in most of what I did in my life, and that pride nearly caused my life to fall apart. That night I took a man's life, all that pride came crashing down on me. When my wife left me because she thought I was a monster, the pride I found in being a father and husband crushed my heart. The pride of being a preacher made me feel worthless because it gave me no strength in dealing with my wife leaving. My pride made me nothing.
The moment I realized that my pride did nothing but cause me suffering I let it go. I let my actions speak for themselves and no longer worked for the fruits of my pride. I worked for the joy it brought me. I realized life was short and what is the purpose of life if not joy. That joy is when you're happy and that you want to share it with others. That is what prevents joy from becoming pride is when you share it for the well being of all those you love. All those who grace your life. I am guilty of pride Erik, but the suffering of pride taught me what joy truly is.”
“Truthfully David, if I knew the answers would I be here in the Hellscape having this lovely conversation with you. Human beings, angels, and demons can only speculate on what that truth in the universe is. The universe is an unseen engine shifting gears in our lives not showing its cards until you reach a pinnacle point that you can't return from. Sounds like the universe doesn't like to give individuals the power of choice. How can that be seen as good when that is what landed the devil himself in Hell?”
“If the universe is an engine Erik, that would mean it is driven by something. The universe could be very well driven by the choices we make as individuals, and even affected by how our choices affect each other. The problem with most people is they want a belief system that agrees with their point of view that works in absolutes. What would be the point to all this Erik if we were just given the answers? The purpose of all this is to find the truth and not you, or the devil himself can say you have the answers, because if you did you wouldn’t be playing into the grand scheme of all this. As an agent of sin you’re doing nothing more than feeding into someone else’s idea of what the truth is.”
Erik looks at me like a child who just found out what they had always believed as the truth was all just a lie. Erik didn’t seem shaken, but disappointed. Staring off at the grass for a few seconds in thought, Erik then refocuses on me.
“David, the truth can be a very loving thing, but it can also be the harshest element in existence. Seeking the truth puts you on a fine line between the will of gods and the aspirations of humanity. A line so fine it's a razor that rends those in half that misstep. You may not have the answers David, but you’re not buying into the lies of the grand deception either. Walk softly David for you may be treading on your own dreams.”
Walk Softly David. I feel those words will stick with me for many years to come echoing in times of searching for greater truths. It’s a take on the works of William Butler Yeats, but it’s how Erik worded it. It’s my own dreams I’m walking on. Is the razor beneath my feet my own Truth? Will searching for it be what brings about my end focusing on what I stand for and what stands before me? If the truth will be the end of me so be it for I would rather be conquered by truth than ruled over by lies.
“David, it’s been a pleasure talking to you. Your words will help me in many conversations in the near future. It's not every day a man teaches a devil how to become better at temptation by teaching the devil what temptation truly is. It's time for you to go David and I truly hope I don't ever see you again.”
A tear in the Hellscape forms showing a path to another dormant domain traced in orange flame. I step halfway through the opening and find myself thinking. Did Erik wish to not see me again because I challenged his worth as an agent of pride, or did he not want to see me again because he truly wished for me to never return to this place for other reasons? Regardless of his cause I’m thankful for the conversation because it helped me understand the situation clearer. It helped me see myself clearer as well.