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I step out of the portal and find myself amongst the most unusual scenery. The portal exits right next to a tree that’s unlike anything I have ever seen before. It stands like a large bonsai twisting its way towards the twilight sky. Its leaves glowing a soft baby blue, dancing in the gentle breeze. The tree stands amongst a field of neon yellow. Not too many varieties of plant life grow around the tree, but the plants that did grow are vivid in color drawing in any attention that would even think of straying away from its gaze. Everything looks so alive creating a depth that words can’t truly describe.
“You finally made it David,” exclaims a voice that sounds like it comes from the plains themself.
“I did, didn't I. Where are you?”
“Oh forgive me David. Walk around the tree and you will find me on the other side.”
I walk around the large base of the tree to find him sitting there. A large plump man with the head of an elephant. Small tusks adorned with gold, and a jewel placed on the center of his head. At his feet there is a quill and parchment with a few words written upon it. A rat holds his ink pot to prevent it from spilling as the wind picks up.
“Now I can see you clearly David. I am Ganesh and I have been given the privilege of helping you connect to yourself at a greater level through emotional understanding and self exploration.”
“Um, this is going to sound weird, but for being a hindu god you don't sound hindu at all.” I feel nervous because everybody quickly jumps to accusing people of being racist when you’re just asking an honest question void of any malice
Ganesh starts laughing, patting his large stomach with one hand while wiping a single tear from his large eyes. Even his rat appears to be amused, almost spilling the ink pot upon the parchment he so proudly guarding from the wind.
“David, Let me ask you something. Have you ever heard an elephant speak with a hindu accent? Have you ever heard an elephant speak with any accent? I never knew elephants even had accents.” Ganesh starts laughing even harder than before.
“I'm sorry. That really was a silly question,” I fight off surfacing feelings of embarrassment thinking about how carelessly I spoke.
“Oh it’s not silly at all David. Asking questions is good. Your heart is full of wonder, not ill intent, malice, or hatred. The question came from a good place, and only a confused heart would have taken it any other way. What did you think of the cave of Athena David?”
“It’s beautiful, but I’m not sure where I even was.”
“Athena’s cave is in the Land of Nod David. Athena’s cave is a deep sea cave where mystic waters have only been touched by a few mortal hands. She really just lives there because she loves the lighting and it helps her feel at peace. She has seen plenty of violence in her life and seeks her own connections to a zen state.
Even now you’re still in the Land of Nod David and I know these plains will suggest otherwise when first gazing upon them. These plains weren't always like this. My presence here affects them allowing them to become the beautiful view you see before you now. Their beauty muses me to write as I look inward deep into my being. I love to write poetry and look at the colors that remind me of life before we came to the Land of Nod. David, what makes you happy?”
I’m not sure how to answer Ganesh. I know what I want to say but part of me feels like it’s just giving an answer that will make me sound like I’m already happy, when the truth is I have been unhappy for years and just learned to focus in the absence of happiness. I didn't want to risk all I have been through so I must tell Ganesh the truth.
“I haven't been happy in a long time, but I haven't been sad either. I remember how it feels to be happy because the absence of happiness brought me sadness for many years. The sadness would swallow me eating at my will. Sadness kept me in the bottle as long as it did but once I hit the bottom of that bottle is when I realized how to free myself from that sadness. If I gave up the happiness then sadness would leave me because the sadness came from an absence of happiness. It worked. My feelings became mellow and my heart took a back seat as my logical self took the wheel. From that place I was able to regain control over my life and slowly let happiness back in dealing with the small doses of sadness that would follow. I found happiness in being stoic.”
“David, if you found happiness in stoicism, how would you define that happiness?”
“Well it came from the balance that was created from not feeling. Having time to sit with that balance I realized that lack of feeling and feeling are one in the same. If I could find happiness in the silence of my life, I could find happiness in anything if I was willing to look for it.”
“Balance is a good thing David and we should all strive to have it, but if you have nothing to balance in your life or person, what are you truly balancing? You can't have balance without something to balance on the center point of your existence. If you’re just that center point, what are you David?”
“I was just a point in space looking to find balance again. I still retreat into a place with nothing to be balanced, a place of nothingness. In that nothingness I found God and through that I found everything.”
“Connection to another in life is good David, but you should strive to be connected to all life. To be connected to all life is to know yourself. I’m sure your god would want you to know yourself for he created you and knowing yourself is knowing the labors of your god. Knowing his works is knowing his mind, and heart. David, you must let go of what you think you know and be open to learning through the experiences of life and your own mind. I have no doubt you will reclaim the happiness that is dearest to you. What is the happiness you seek to reclaim?”
I’m not sure how to answer Ganesh. At one point in my life my happiness was my mother, but then I grew up and that changed. She was part of it but I longed for more. My wife was my happiness, but that changed as well as soon as my son was born. They all became my happiness. With all the things I love in my life, my happiness didn't just come purely from one single thing. It radiates from all the things I love in my life evenly.
I’m not sure if happiness is meant to be found through love and connecting with everyone or just one singular purpose. I struggle with my feelings of love between loving my family and carrying on the lord's work. There are times I feel I can't have one while having the other. It feels like my happiness can diminish all that I love if I become consumed by it.
“I have not found that kind of happiness yet. Even at this moment I find myself thinking about what I am doing right now: a pursuit of happiness or just a distraction. Is my happiness a want or a need? Right now I lack a lot of answers as I am told many different stories of what God is and what he has done. I am given variations of him all the time now not knowing which one is the truth. If I'm honest with myself and I keep pushing forward not because of God or adventure, but because I seek to find the truth of all this so I can then act with the truth held within my heart instead of acting based on the current version of it I know. I want to find truths that no God or cosmic force can refute. That would bring me happiness.”
“Then I ask you David to let go of all that you think you know and become like a child experiencing the world again for the first time. This will bring you to the truth. This will help you sort ideas and beliefs from the truth itself. Now that we know what will give you direction in your search for happiness. What brings you into sadness from your stoic state?”
I really don't want to go through this. To have a god walk me through my emotional health honestly unnerves me a bit because I know I can't escape the truth. It feels like Ciel is asking me questions about my life when I still only knew him as Death. My life? Hell, my life feels like it's a dream that I woke up from. All I know or thought I know keeps changing. I don't trust myself to know my feelings when I don't even know what I believe in any more. I want to say that it’s God I believe in but each time I think I understand him, a new idea or history gets presented to me. I just want to find the truth and choose what I believe in for myself. My mind believes in the chaos, but my heart is still very much with God.
“Not knowing the truth is what brings me into sadness Ganesh. The thought of giving my whole life to something that isn't even real brings me into sadness. Is all the good I have done for nothing? Is it still good even If I did it in the name of something farce? I need the truth to find happiness and peace.”
“Such an upheaval in life is bound to cause chaos. Disturbing happiness with bringing you into sadness. Disturbing your peace and even causing anger as fear causes doubts to form within the core of your beliefs. Tell me David, what brings you into anger?”
This is starting to feel oddly familiar. I have already gone through Hell and faced an agent of sin for each sin and resisted them. What is Ganesh getting at? I want to address this fact but still show respect to Ganesh as he is a god I feel deserves respect for what he represents. Breath David and just say it.
“Sir, I have been through Hell and faced every sin and every emotion they could conjure. Why are you asking me all these questions about my emotions? I have proven I can control them.”
“Control them you did David, but this isn't about control, this is about letting go. If you let an emotion within yourself be free from the illusion of control will the emotion take you or would it serve you? Limiting something does not change the nature it possesses, it just restricts the actions it is capable of. When action is given back to that which was limited it will act in one of two ways. It will either make peace by showing forgiveness, or it will try to destroy that which held it captive. Will your emotions end you or set you free? We will find out soon enough, but again I ask you what brings you to anger David?”
“Well, it's only two things really. The harming of those who can’t protect themselves, and those who tend to think they are better then others because they feel they possess a level of righteousness that others do not. I can deal with someone being a dick and ignore their bullshit. But when someone thinks they are better than someone else because of their standing, heritage, money, or God. I can't stand it. We are all people and such thoughts segregate us. Segregation is the cause that leads us to racism, social classes, and people who fight for causes they know nothing of just so they can taste any form of limelight. So many people claiming to care that only care about how they are perceived. No one is better than anyone else and last time I checked we are all human beings. Race is a myth and culture holds great depth and richness that gets overlooked because of racism, status, and gender. People don't want to see we are all just the same because then they couldn't feel special or have someone to blame for their lack of being able to make peace with themselves!”
“You’re passionate about not letting other be miss treated David. This is good, but things like passion and desire can set the soul ablaze in destructive ways fueled by the purest of intentions. You must let the feeling serv you, not rule you David, and you can do this by cultivating inner peace so all emotions come from a place of loving awareness. David, what brings you peace when you feel chaos within you?”
“For the longest time it was my son. His smile could calm any rage, pain, or loss within me. He was my salvation in many ways especially after my mother killed herself, but I would lose all that. After my wife left me and I had my fill of stupidity. It was serving God that gave me peace again. Up until recently that’s all I needed until I found out that not just God existed but you and other gods. What brings me peace now is searching for truth. I know that even though this feels chaotic and that I'm getting several versions of the story I already thought I knew. In the end, I will find the truth and that truth will be my peace.”
“David, I have a final test for you and your emotions. I want you to drink an elixir made for the gods. It will allow you to take a journey inward that will either connect you to parts of yourself you have forgotten, or destroy your mind. I do warn you no matter the outcome you will never be the same and it’s up to you if that is a good or bad thing,” Ganesh says while pointing to a small brass teapot resting at his side.
“I don't think I have a choice in the matter. If I don't, the world will most likely end.” I feel a wave of nervous energy come over me.
“You always have a choice David. You can stop right now and not drink the elixir. You can refuse the role you have been playing. You can choose to accept all the consequences that will follow. There are those who walk into Hell willingly not because they have someone to save, but because they have already made peace with the nature of their decisions long before they died. Will you drink, or walk away David,” Ganesh asks me while holding out a cup of the strange elixir.
I take the elixir from Ganesh and stare at it. The fluid looks clear with wisps of blue and purple randomly rippling through it. I don't want to walk because I still have people I care about that I don't want to abandon. As I have gone on this journey I have only found more people to care about, more situations to be aware of, more people I don’t want to fail. I’m concerned about the elixir destroying my mind, but I’m even more concerned about how it will change me. The mantle is changing me already and that thought alone lurks in the back of my head. Maybe this will help me address that, or maybe it will make it worse. No risk, no reward right? Right?
“I'll be here David when it's all over. Just relax and let go.”
I swallow the elixir like it’s a shot of whiskey. I expect the effects to hit me right away but surprisingly they don't. I sit down on the grass and lean up against the tree not too far from Ganesh. He just closes his eyes and goes into a state of meditation. I guess that beats waiting around for me until I get back from the journey I'm going on.
I take a deep breath relaxing against the tree and it starts to hit me. The colors around me begin to get more vibrant possessing a depth I have never seen before. The colors reach out to me revealing illegible words hidden within them. Texture and detail became so distinct it’s like my eyes can zoom in like a microscope. The world becomes so alive it’s like it’s breathing with me. The life inside of all things starts to dance, distorting each blade of grass and cloud in the sky. I feel pretty damn good because I feel so alive and everything just feels amazing. I wish I could stay in this state forever, this nirvana.
I start to feel a little thirsty, feeling my throat stick to itself. I keep swallowing to try to moisten my throat but with each swallowing motion it feels like I’m swallowing hair. I stick my fingers into my mouth trying to find the hair but there is none to be found. I can't help but keep swallowing as the feeling grows to new levels of discomfort. I feel like I’m swallowing a never ending invisible hairball. I can feel the hair running down my throat and into the pit of my stomach. The thought of following the trail of hair takes hold of my mind and I find myself following the trail of hair into my own body
I’m no longer in my body but in this third person perspective following the invisible hair down the back of my throat. What I thought was my throat becomes a long dark tunnel that feels like it goes on forever. Even though I can no longer see my body I feel like I’m still walking down this tunnel. No, floating down the tunnel. A feeling starts to experience me creating the thought of descending into madness. My descent into madness is dark with glimmers of teal colored lights and sparkles of purple and blue. Even though I feel like I'm going mad I feel strangely comfortable in the darkness following this never ending hairball deep into my existence.
A light at the end of the tunnel appears in the distance, pulsating with a soft pink glow. Noticing the light causes my being to be pulled down the tunnel almost instantly, bringing me into a room with no doors. I can't see the tunnel any more. I swear I floated into the room with haste but the experience leaves me feeling like I was teleported and just left with the memory of entering the room. I can't see where the pink light is coming from. I look all around the room and it’s just empty. A feeling swells up inside me releasing itself as a small bubble that just appears out of thin air. The bubble floats up towards the ceiling revealing the source of the pink light. A giant brain floating at the top of the vaulted ceiling of the room releasing the soft pink light, but Jesus christ! A giant orb weaver spider is holding the brain closely wrapping its legs around it. My existence fights itself, experiencing fear and curiosity simultaneously.
I look closer at the spider and I can feel its intentions. She wishes me no harm and in fact loves me very deeply. She is the mother of my memories and she called me here with the reach of her web that I had mistaken for some sort of strand of hair. I can feel what she wants to say. She wants me to know she will keep me safe in my travels and that she will never let anything harm my mind. She points to a fold in the brain she is protecting and urges me to take a closer look. I float towards it pushing into its crevice. I wasn't in my brain. I’m now in a dimly lit canyon. The canyon is deep making the daylight that creeps in seem so out of reach, but the light is still welcoming.
A blue spectral body of energy appears before me waving me to follow it. I can feel it’s the mantle wanting to show me something. I don't fear the mantle here. It feels like it acknowledges that this is my existence and that it’s a guest, and doesn't want to disrespect that. It reaches its hand out and I take hold of it with my mind. We instantly teleport into deep space watching a nebula raise stars within colorful lights. The mantle wants me to know that this is God. That God can become what we needed him to be and that this fact confuses people. That some people will try to become shapeless like God or change themselves trying to mimic the liquid nature of God’s being. The mantle wants me to not worry about how I perceive God because he can be found in all things. The mantle reaches out its hand again to take me to another place within existence.
I take the mantle’s hand and we blink into existence at the beginning of the creation of language. Human beings existed outside of the garden of eden and didn't know how to speak at first. These humans would grunt and make guttural noises noticing the pressure changes within their bodies. They would associate the feelings of pressure within themselves with thoughts that felt good or caused discomfort. These feelings would be used to form some of the first words to the language of the fallen human beings before Adem and Eve were cast out. The mantle holds out its hand again showing desire to show me more.
I take the mantles hand and we appear floating in the sky looking down at the foundation of a building constructed out of large slabs of stone. The mantle laughs and urges me to look closer at what is going on. We are in Egypt and they are building the pyramids but that isn't what was funny to the mantle. The Egyptians are looking up to the sky where it looks like a hole has been torn in space. The Egyptians are receiving instructions through this hole in the sky not from aliens but from other human beings. The mantle conveys that time folds and collapses back in on itself during certain cycles and that each time humanity appears to possess advanced knowledge beyond their means for that time period. It’s because the future of humanity was teaching its past in these moments when the walls of time would become thin. That time is a cycle of the rising and falling of humanity.
The mantle waves once more, projecting its intention. There is plenty more to see but this is all it will allow me to see for now to protect me from an uncontrolled descent into madness. It wants me to go home and know it’s never against me and that it’s always part of me and that I will gain a deeper understanding in due time, but it wants me to know one more thing before I leave. Never drink the elixir again because constant use can break a being as it forgets itself.
My eyes open and I am laying at the base of the tree once more. My body won't move and I can't speak, but I am back. Ganesh looks over, noticing my eyes are open and smiles at me.
“Welcome back David! I am so glad to see that you have returned not broken by your trip. Just relax and the use of your body will return. You just disconnected from it for a bit so it just needs to sync backup. Don't worry it hasn't forgotten you David. Do not tell me about your journey or anyone else. Spiritual journeys of this nature only possess meaning to the traveler and only other travelers will understand your experiences. Travelers are very few so don't share your experiences unless you feel a connection with them that resonates with these experiences. In the end you can do what you want David, I'm just trying to save you from a trip to the psych ward once you get back home.” Ganesh laughs rocking his pudgy body back and forth.
My limbs begin to regain feeling allowing me to sit up and adjust myself. I can remember everything so clearly that it didn't feel like a dream but like a memory. I can remember how it was to speak without words, by broadcasting feelings and intentions. I feel like this is still possible even in the physical existence, but I feel a little out of place. I can’t help but feel I exist in both the place I am now and the place I just was. I carry this feeling with me that I exist on many other levels I am not yet aware of. That the mechanics of what I call my existence apply on so many other levels that I’m just beginning to understand. I can see how such thoughts could drive someone mad.
“David, I am proud of you. You give me great hope for the future of us all. You have learned quickly and now you are learning to trust yourself, your abilities, and the unseen. Go back to Ciel with these experiences and let him know you’re now ready to do the work you are needed for. That you’re believed in and that the gods themselves have faith in David Blackthorne. Bless you David and may you have god speed.”
A portal appears not too far away from the tree I have been resting at. I feel like I have gotten little to no rest between these experiences. That I have been rushed, but the world needs me and can't wait for me. I'm sure I would have grown rapidly if I could have spent months with each god, but that wasn't a luxury humanity could afford for me to have at this time. I'm looking forward to seeing Ciel again and seeing the look on his face when he sees everything I am capable of now. Approaching the portal I take one more look at the beauty of the Land of Nod and wave goodbye to Ganesh. Holding my breath I step into the portal ready for it to take me home.