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The portal Ciel created for me drops me off in the living room of my home. It’s odd being back. It feels like returning to a daydream from a waking nightmare. It leaves me with the feeling that both are not true and I’m just caught between two places I have imagined. From the hospital bed to the Hellscape, from the Land of Nod and back again. It’s all still so surreal and the only thing that reminds me that it truly happened is the feeling of the mantle of Death sleeping in the back of my mind until I need it.
I'm too worn out to think much more of it. I'm just going to see what I have left in the fridge, make a snack, and go to bed. I walk from the living room to the kitchen in darkness knowing my home almost as well as I know my own body. I open the fridge door and gather a few ingredients to make a makeshift sandwich. A feeling comes over me and the mantle whispers in the back of my mind that I am no longer alone.
“Who's there?” I call out into the darkness as I try to focus my eyes to see if I can make out any movement.
“I was wondering when you would sense me here David,” a gravelly voice speaks from the darkness within the kitchen.
Click.
The light above the stove turns on revealing the owner of the voice. The man standing before me is a behemoth in his own right. He has to be at least seven feet tall and is almost as wide as he is tall. He wears a worn brown leather coat, and a dingy baseball cap. Oh but that eye, that one giant eye in the middle of his face is azure, clouded with gray clouds that drift over his iris each time he blinks. His cyclopean nature doesn’t cause fear within me but his massive size and just presence of raw power does raise a few concerns.
“David, do not be alarmed.”
“Oh I'm alarmed. You're as big as a bus and you were able to sneak in here without making a sound past angels watching over the place. How about you tell me what's going on before I get carried away with physically responding and doing a little less thinking,” I stare into the creature’s big glossy eye, sticking a slice of lunch meat into my mouth and chewing sarcastically.
“David, I have come to give you the truth. To tell you the story that no one has told you. The faceless one’s minions will tell you one version of this story, and all the other self actualized gods will each tell you their own. Norse, Egyptian, Hindu, and even the Babylonians all have their version of this story.
Before Your god existed the Earth as you know it belonged to the elementals, the children of the Eld. In time the Eld created titans to watch over the elementals for their power was great for being soulless beings. The titans are soulless as well but we have been made truly immortal due to our connection to the elements. I was born first a blank slate and was allowed to choose my own element. When I chose time the Eld decided to restrict the choices of all the titans born after me for I became a mistake in their eyes they could no longer control for I became something new.
When your God came into existence and started his processes of creation he saw the elemental race and new that his human race could never thrive while they inherited the earth, so God took them all up in his hands and casted them into the depths of space giving birth to stars, other planets, and many other galaxies. The titans were able to break free from your God’s grasp and remained on earth ruling it as intended by the Eld. Human beings appeared and shortly after the first self actualized gods came from the human race. God saw the potential in the ability to self actualize and built the universe engine to help guide the process of self actualization. The machine is supposed to be a marvel of creation to guide humanity as it evolved but humanity would fail time and time again.
Gods would rise up and the future of humanity would look bright, but war would always break out amongst the gods. New gods would rise and thrive and suck the life out of humanity causing famine to cast its shadow across the planet. Civilizations would fall giving birth to new gods forged from the desperation of humanity just to create gods that would plague its existence. Your God would watch many pantheons rise and fall before stepping in to tend to his creations. He would first blame the titans for we were not part of his plan. He would hunt us down and kill us until it was only Gaia and myself left. I would hide within the flux states within time and Gaia would retreat deep into the core of the Earth and root herself throughout the planet’s whole physical being so to destroy her would require the destruction of humanity.
Your God saw that in the end death would come to all his creations so he created the horsemen to control the factors that eroded at the gears of his universe engine hoping that with the help of his cosmic janitors the machine could finally do its job, but your God’s failures would find a way to come back and unbalanced the machine again. Your God created angels and they became jealous of the human soul so they came down to earth and bred with the women of your race creating the soulless Nephilim. Your god Set out to destroy the Nephilim as he did the titans, but Gaia offered them safety deep within the earth out of your God’s sight. Now the Nephilim seek to make their own horsemen to replace all of you and take control of your God’s universe machine.
Now what does the machine do? I really don't know the extent of its ability for your God created it in secrecy. All I know is history is repeating itself David and you need to be the one to break the cycle. I don't know how that can be done but David don't let this become the purpose of humanity. To ascend into godhood just to come crashing down from the heavens destroying other innocent beings because they don't fit into the grand scheme of it all. Thank you for listening to me David, and don't worry you will never see me again”.
“Well Shit!” Kronos just knows how to brighten someone's day.
“All I want to do is eat a sandwich and go to bed. Each time I think I can relax someone brings in a new perspective of how God works, how the universe works, and who's out to get me. I frankly don’t fucking care anymore. I will find out the truth of God, the universe, and all of fucking exsistance. The base of the universe has to be balck and white because gray areas are created by people so they don't have to face the truth or pick a side. I know my idea of God can be wrong, but it can also be very right, but I won't know until I do this and walk this path.”
“Walk the path David. All I am asking you to do is be loyal to that truth once you find it even if it paints your God as you know him in a different light. Be loyal to the truth and what’s meant to happen will happen for the nature of the universe is the truth.
Human beings have forgotten this. They take pictures that they don't want seen by the world when the nature of pictures are to be seen. They write their secrets in books when the nature of books is to be read. They speak out loud not wanting certain people to hear them when conversations are meant to be listened to. Be true to your cause David and the cycle will stop. If not I will have this conversation again with the next attempt to fix the glitches in the machine. Time unfolds in such a way David that it possesses no beginning or end, but you will experience it soon enough.”
“Well thank you for taking the time to visit me Kronos but it's time I sleep and try to sort all you have said and all I have learned without losing my mind. I just don’t have the mental aptitude right now to process this all. I know time is an unusual force for both Ciel A.K.A. former Death and Anubis have both warned me of the difficulty of understanding time.”
“I’ll leave you be David, but I suggest you write yourself a letter and leave it for a loved one to find just in case you don't come out of this alive. I have watched so many people leave this life with regret and last words that will never be spoken. Leave something behind even if it’s just to comfort those who survive you David. It will help clear your mind and feel more at peace in these times of confusion. I'll take my leave.”
A bright flash of light emanates from Kronos stinging my eyes. I cover them to shield them from the lights' retina searing qualities. When I uncover my eyes Kronos is gone. Son of a bitch comes in here and drops even more confusion on me right before I head off to get some damn rest. I already have so much to sort through without his bullshit added to the list of what ifs. Is God a good guy? Is God an asshole with an ant farm? Is all this just a glitch in the matrix of life? Am I just stuck in a bad simulation that's just running a program structured to be my own personal Hell? I really don't know but I really don't want to know right now. I just want to sleep, but Kronos did make sense with his suggestions of writing a letter.
I walk out of my kitchen and down the hallway to my office. Sitting at my desk I shuffle papers around looking for a pen and a notebook I haven't filled up with random notes from my studies and speeches. After finding a blank page tucked away amongst my many notes I clear my head and prepare to write. Will it be an epic tell for those who survive me or the equivalent of hey I died so please feed the goldfish? I'm just going to put pen to paper and what comes out will be what I leave.
“I have never been one for writing letters but I wanted to write something just in case I don't survive what the future might hold for me. I'm not sure if anyone will ever find this letter tucked away in my dusty old desk amongst all my notes, but the human imagination is what makes us such a force to be reckoned with when combined properly with the power of the human will. I guess that's my way of saying someone will find it.
The time for me to begin my journey of saving the mortal realm of humanity is only moments away. I can't help but think of everything I have been through. The last few weeks have made me feel like my life all leading up to these recents events was just a dream. That I am carrying the memories of a dead man inside of my head. That these memories call emotions to the surface I now struggle to understand. Each memory is now seen through such a different lens it can make me feel disconnected at times.
The mantle has a way of being present in all my memories and thoughts now. I still struggle to see myself separate from it at times, but I no longer feel like it's trying to take over my mind, or body. It feels more like it’s trying to assist me in getting the most out of my experiences by helping me see the full picture in a given situation. The only times I struggle with it influencing my body is when it is trying to keep me out of harm's way. I trust it with protecting me but I still struggle to let it have any control. I still fear that one day it wont give it back and I'll just dissolve into my own memories as the mantle claims them as its own experiences.
As I get ready to sleep I still find my head swarming with thoughts of God and what the truth really is. I have tried to get the book of death to show me many times but it refuses to show me God. The book itself is a mystery unto its own. It knows all that has been spoken out loud and well, people like to talk. The book has shown me a few spells, combat techniques, and I have even found a few recipes with the book. If your grandma has a special recipe for that dessert that only showed up once a year, chances are the books knows it.
I have used the book to check in on those I love before. I have looked for my son and my ex wife to make sure they are both ok, but the book has this way of reminding me that detachment can also be a powerful tool in times where emotion is at its strongest. The nature of detachment is truly amazing. Detachment can make you stronger in many situations, but it can also make you very callous when you depend on it too frequently.
The first thing I'm supposed to do now that I'm home is to go straight to reaping souls. Things have quickly gotten backed up since death hasn't been around to guide souls to their final resting place. I thought making souls wait would have messed up something with the inner workings of the universe, but it turns out Earth is also Purgatory in another dimension of existence. That all they do is wait, unable to see the living. Now some souls do go rather violently which can cause a bleed effect between the world of the living and the dead. This is how you get true hauntings and in some cases poltergeists. Hauntings and poltergeists are two very different things in their own right but that's a story for some other time. The funny thing is even though I have to deal with all this death I really haven't heard much about Heaven. Supposably when I take a soul to Heaven I just open a door to it. I never really get to see it or even just walk up to its gates. I guess that is also a story for another time.
Oh and if I do pass away and you're reading this please make sure to leave a carton of cigarettes in my mailbox every Friday night. I have this deal: I have to keep up with a friend until I find God. I know that sounds very shady, but I'm slowly finding out that anything to do with the cosmos, Heaven, or Hell tends to be. There is so much I want to talk about in this letter but I also can't risk letting certain information slip even though I wish I could share it with the world. All the many interesting conversations that could come from it all.
Wish me the best of luck finding the other horsemen because I'm sure it's going to be challenging me in many ways. Testing my ideas of what reality is even further than before. If you do find this letter and I am well and alive please give it to me just to be on the safe side, but I am mainly writing this just to sort out my head and doubt anyone is ever going to get the chance to read it.
If for some reason this letter has found its way into my son’s hands, know that I love you. That every day that goes by without you causes me pain. That In my head you have remained the little boy I loved so much even with all the time that has gone by. Sometimes I get angry knowing that if you came back into my life it would remind me of all those years I had stolen from me. I still have nights when I wake up and I miss you so much that it hurts to breathe. It hurts to think that all this time has gone by and I'm not allowed to be your father when every bit of my being desires it more than anything. Know I have always loved you and have always wanted you in my life.
If you are reading this Ciel you have proven that you are kinda nosey and dont have much to do since you are no longer Death. I am most likely out there doing your old job as you wait for me to come back with the other horsemen you lazy bum. I’m playing. I have lots of respect for you Ciel. You have watched over humanity for so long and chose our side even when things seemed dark. For that I am thankful. You have been a great teacher and truly a friend. If you’re reading this and I am still alive, do me a favor and just burn this letter so we never have to have an awkward conversation about it.
My brain has been a bit jumbled after getting back knowing I'm going to be getting straight to reaping souls as I wait for the other horsemen. I know that Ciel’s disfigurement came from forgiving souls so they could enter into Heaven. I find myself thinking, will I be tempted to do the same? Will I be put in situations that will cause me to bend the rules just like Ciel did? I feel the key to preventing myself from experiencing the same hardship is to be stoic in my work as death. To not let my heart bleed for anybody even if I know the person. I feel like I have a lot of power to work with but my heart and mind are going to battle on how best to use that power.
Well to keep writing at this point would be talking in circles. I have no choice but to face the situation and make my choices as they come. When met with fear I will choose knowledge. When met with temptation I will choose the greater good. When met with what if’s and the chaos they bring I will choose truth.
Please pray for me that I will not lose my humanity and lose touch with what it is to be human. I am terrified about the possibilities of the unknown but I choose to do something about it over choosing to be ruled by my own fear.”