One day we built a robot friend, my family and I.

My dad had seen an ad and it was really cheap to buy.

It came to us in pieces, with a ‘how to set-up guide’,

A set of long instructions and the batteries came supplied.

But Dad thought he knew better and he threw the guide away,

And tinkered with the robot parts till 8 o’clock the next day.

He fastened nuts and tightened screws and twisted things with pliers,

Then added lots of circuit boards and loads of random wires.

So when the time had come for us to finally turn him on,

We very quickly realised that we must have built him wrong.

Instead of saying, ‘Hello master, I am ROBBIE-4,’

He blew a giant raspberry and then ran out through the door.

‘Oh dear,’ said Dad, ‘that’s not quite right,’ and rubbed his hairy chin.

‘I think we’d better get back those instructions from the bin.’

My sister fished them out, but they were really hard to read

All smudged with smelly bin juice that had caused the ink to bleed.

‘Okay,’ said Dad, ‘that’s not ideal,’ with hands over his face

But we just grabbed those hands and then together we made chase.

We saw the robot straightaway, parading down the path,

Making silly noises and a creepy robot laugh.

‘Don’t worry kids, I’ve got this,’ said our dad and went to leap.

But the robot dodged him easily and Dad fell in a heap.

Now this made ROB suspicious and he turned around to run,

Said, ‘See ya later losers, now I’m off to have some fun!’

He jumped over the garden gate and scared a passing cat

Which jumped ten feet into the air (‘cause cats often do that!)

And still he kept on running on his two spring-loaded feet,

Said, ‘POO’ to several people and then ran off down the street.

He ran behind a lady and he made a farting sound,

And a group of local children all fell laughing to the ground.

He kicked a can, which hit a man and left a nasty bruise,

Then hit a policeman on the bum, who’d bent to tie his shoes.

‘This robot’s going haywire!’ someone shouted from the crowd.

‘It really is appalling, this thing shouldn’t be allowed!’

‘He’s flipped his lid,’ said someone else, ‘I can’t believe my eyes!’

As ROBBIE crashed the drive-through, stealing burgers, drinks and fries.

‘We’d better stop him, Dad,’ I said, ‘he’s messing up the town!’

As ROBBIE ran behind the mayor and pulled his trousers down.

The mayor let out a squeal and ran off crying to the loo

And ROBBIE looked around to see what else he could undo.

He tipped a rubbish bin into the middle of the street,

And rotten fruit and vegetables rolled under people’s feet.

They slipped and slopped and skidded till they all fell to the ground,

Which made a rather interesting, squashy kind of sound.

And so it went on day by day, and even week by week.

As ROBBIE terrorised the town and made the people shriek!

His pranks went on forever, playing rude and naughty games,

Embarrassing our family and calling people names.

Until one day the Mayor arrived, with quite a fearsome frown.

‘You realise your robot has destroyed our peaceful town?

You have to make it stop, this is an absolute disgrace!’

He said as ROB appeared and threw a pie into his face.

But just as ROBBIE turned around, about to run away,

His laugh began to slow and slur in quite a funny way.

His motors groaned, his lightbulbs dimmed, his circuits sparked and spat.

‘At last,’ said Dad with utter joy, ‘his batteries are FLAT!’

We took him home and made a start on all his reconstructions,

And even searched the internet and found some new instructions.

We fastened nuts and tightened screws and worked on through the night,

And doubled-checked to make sure that his circuit boards were right.

And now we have a robot who is as helpful as can be

Who helps around the house and cleans my room and makes our tea.

Our life is so much calmer now, since all the damage done.

Calmer? Yes. But might I say, not nearly so much fun!