We moved last week to an awesome new house,

With a ramp to skate, and a lake to canoe,

A playroom and games room – totally grouse!

But sad to say, there’s no room to poo.

Four bedrooms, three shed-rooms, and two lounge rooms, too,

Tall rooms and short rooms – I know it sounds funny –

I searched high and low for just one lousy loo.

But oh my and oh no – not one single dunny!

I said to my mum, ‘Mum, what do I do,

When nature calls, when business needs doing?’

She said to me, ‘Son, this house is brand-new,

So no number one-ing, and no number two-ing!

‘No peeing, no weeing, no widdling, no piddling!

No slopping, no plopping and no whopping droppings!

No gushing, no flushing, no toilet-roll fiddling!

No bristly brushing, no bathroom floor moppings!

‘We have a new house. We must keep it clean.

If you need to go – DON’T! The rule’s easy-peasy,

But it’s okay, I think – it’s not too extreme

To go in the sink, if your tummy feels queasy.

‘Or the bowl of the fish, the dish of the dog.

Guppy and Fido, they won’t mind at all,

If their home or plate’s an emergency bog,

And if you’re too late, then just use the hall.’

A week has now passed and I’ve had to be sneaky.

I’ve been in the bin. I’ve peed in the pool.

I watered the plants when things got too leaky.

I tightened my pants till I got to school.

But my mum and my dad, they still haven’t been.

They can’t leave home, they’re so overloaded.

Last night, after tea, their faces turned green.

Then at three thirty-three, they both …

I had to wash them from off the ceiling,

The floor and the door, and all four walls, too.

I’ve one thing to say – and I say it with feeling,

If you get a new place, make sure there’s a loo!