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You’ve seen those kids with their YouTube unboxing channels. All they ever did was open a few packages on the internet and now they’re rich, they’re famous, they’re eating ice cream for breakfast in a swimming pool with their best friend, who’s a rich and famous rapper.

You want in on this action, but it’s a crowded market. How do you get your unboxing video to stand out??

I present to you:

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* You’re going to have to find a vampire. Obviously. Places you could look:

- Fangs For Nothing: second-hand fang store, popular with frugal vampires

- Sucks To Be You: therapy clinic for vampires who are questioning the purpose of their existence

- Coffin Up: coffin interior-design business. Not to be confused with …

- Coffin Up Blood: like a smoothie bar, but with the blood of people who have coughs and colds. (A delicacy.)

- Steak in the Heart: outback-themed steak restaurant with a garlic-free guarantee

- Pain in the Neck: physiotherapist, specialising in neck cricks caused by hours lying inside coffins

- Don’t Fight the Sunlight: vampire wrestling ring and boxing gym

- S. Cape While You Can: cape and robe emporium for the fashion-conscious vampire

- Frozen I-Scream: frozen yoghurt bar. (Dairy-free.)

- Count Me In: vampire karaoke bar by night, accountant’s office by day.

** You’re going to have to get the vampire into the box. I could suggest putting a juicy child in the bottom or similar. But to be honest? You’re better off just bribing the vampire with your pocket money. It’s hard to get a job if you’re a vampire, and those robes are expensive. Cold, hard cash is the way to go.

*** If you get bitten when you do the unboxing, don’t panic. Your video will probably get more likes. It might even go viral. If this turns you into a vampire, well, at least you’ll know where to hang out and make pals. See the list to the left and mention this book for a ten per cent discount. You’re welcome.