You’ve seen those kids with their YouTube unboxing channels. All they ever did was open a few packages on the internet and now they’re rich, they’re famous, they’re eating ice cream for breakfast in a swimming pool with their best friend, who’s a rich and famous rapper.
You want in on this action, but it’s a crowded market. How do you get your unboxing video to stand out??
I present to you:
* You’re going to have to find a vampire. Obviously. Places you could look:
- Fangs For Nothing: second-hand fang store, popular with frugal vampires
- Sucks To Be You: therapy clinic for vampires who are questioning the purpose of their existence
- Coffin Up: coffin interior-design business. Not to be confused with …
- Coffin Up Blood: like a smoothie bar, but with the blood of people who have coughs and colds. (A delicacy.)
- Steak in the Heart: outback-themed steak restaurant with a garlic-free guarantee
- Pain in the Neck: physiotherapist, specialising in neck cricks caused by hours lying inside coffins
- Don’t Fight the Sunlight: vampire wrestling ring and boxing gym
- S. Cape While You Can: cape and robe emporium for the fashion-conscious vampire
- Frozen I-Scream: frozen yoghurt bar. (Dairy-free.)
- Count Me In: vampire karaoke bar by night, accountant’s office by day.
** You’re going to have to get the vampire into the box. I could suggest putting a juicy child in the bottom or similar. But to be honest? You’re better off just bribing the vampire with your pocket money. It’s hard to get a job if you’re a vampire, and those robes are expensive. Cold, hard cash is the way to go.
*** If you get bitten when you do the unboxing, don’t panic. Your video will probably get more likes. It might even go viral. If this turns you into a vampire, well, at least you’ll know where to hang out and make pals. See the list to the left and mention this book for a ten per cent discount. You’re welcome.