Animals have horoscopes too. Astrologers use the date, time and place of birth (or, if you adopt, don’t shop, then the date, time and place of adoption) to decipher animal horoscopes. It sometimes surprises people to know that an owl can have a zodiac sign, or that a donkey can have his destiny written in the stars. Yet – and you can see this for yourself when you look up your own animal friend – astrology can be spookily accurate!
Born or Adopted January 20 to February 18
Aquarian animals love big group gatherings, like family dinners, barbecues and birthday parties. It was probably an Aquarian dog who inspired the phrase ‘man’s best friend’ because these creatures are sociable. They love animal charity gatherings, like the Million Paws Walk, and all the cats love a show. They’re too busy getting to know the other kittehs to be too competitive. Their favourite thing in the world is a communal drinking bowl – have you noticed? The dogs particularly like gathering around a fire hydrant and drinking as one. This is the zodiac sign of the water bearer, after all. It was probably an Aquarian dog who invented the summer tradition of opening public swimming pools to doggos on the final day of the season. Everyone in the deep end! The chickens all look like they’re in a band. The rooster’s always on drums. The hens do the rest. Every Aquarian animal needs a gang.
Famous Aquarius Animal: Snoopy is top dog in the Peanuts gang of friends.
Born or Adopted February 19 to March 20
Those misty eyes! Pisces dogs stare into space at invisible beings, extraterrestrial craft and fairies. The bears like to daydream. A lot. They dream they are famous bears, like Winnie-the-Pooh or Paddington. Have you noticed how your Pisces cat has a hypnotic stare? It works both ways, though. The Pisces kitteh can also become hypnotised by the residents of a goldfish bowl. These creatures want the fantasy, not the reality. Anchovies on marshmallows! (Don’t tell the vet I said that.) They find biscuits just a bit too … biscuity. Pisces dogs are psychic and know when you are coming home. They were probably the stars of scientist Rupert Sheldrake’s famous experiment, where video cameras were set up to record dogs anticipating their owners’ return. They all knew!
Famous Pisces Animal: Fiver the fortune-telling rabbit from Watership Down.
Born or Adopted March 21 to April 19
The Aries animal is noisy and pushy. Aries dogs bark, bite, chase, growl and look great in a police uniform. Aries cats take a running jump at your leg if you haven’t fed them. Aries rabbits have been known to chase bicycles. Aries animals run fast and are good personal trainers. In a two-cat household, it will be the Aries who claims the top of the play platform and stands guard on it like a soldier, pushing rivals off. A horse born under this sign is brave, energetic and always first into battle. Aries mice look like they should be holding tiny swords. The Aries animal is fierce but loyal. Just one tip: don’t do anything to make them angry.
Famous Aries Animal: Donald Duck, who has been known to fight ghosts, sharks and even kites.
Born or Adopted April 20 to May 20
Stubborn and greedy, the Taurus animal also has a great voice. (Taurus rules the throat). All day long, you will hear that voice used for just one purpose – the acquisition of food. If you had a meow, quack, snort or woof translator, it would constantly say something like this: ‘Feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me.’ This is the dog who would really like to get on the counter at the supermarket checkout with its jaws wide open, just to save time. These animals are also great hoarders and love to stash bones (the dogs) or acorns (the squirrels). The dogs have what they think of as ‘investment bones’ and are the Goldman Sachs bone bankers of the furry world. Try to take the bone back, and they will stand firm and wind you around in a circle while they hang on. The cats prefer to choose from a menu.
Famous Taurus Animal: Garfield the cat was born in an Italian restaurant and loves lasagne.
Born or Adopted May 21 to June 20
Welcome to your next YouTube sensation. As soon as you turn on the computer, the Gemini animal is there, cunningly sliding a paw or claw across the keyboard. Gemini puppies fantasise about developing opposable thumbs when they grow up, so that one day, they too can write a dog blog. The cats scoot across your home when the phone rings and like to be the first to answer. The dogs only carry the newspapers from the driveway to your front door so that they can do the crossword first. Gemini birds like to sit on telegraph wires and pick up the gossip. Gemini fish blow bubbles that look like speech bubbles. The larger dogs like to beat their tails against radiators, generating a furry Morse code. The message is always the same. ‘Pack your bags, cat.’ Gemini creatures can be chatty budgies, gossipy dogs or the most articulate dolphins.
Famous Gemini Animal: Flipper the talkative dolphin had a message for the planet!
Born or Adopted June 21 to July 22
Born to have puppers and kittehs! The Cancer animal loves to mother. Chickens born under this zodiac sign are broody all year around and try to look the other way when you take their hard-earned eggs. The Cancer animal loves to adopt anything that looks lost and homeless – fluffy toys, your dad’s slippers, babies who don’t move fast enough. Don’t leave the Cancerian creature out of the family photographs at Christmas! They’ll sneak right into the shot at the last minute, because they need to feel like one of your clan, whether they are a hamster or a boa constrictor. Cancerians have a strong sense of home. When you move to a new house or apartment, don’t be surprised if your Cancerian cat vanishes when it’s time for the packing crate. This is a family-loving, home-loving animal.
Famous Cancer Animal: Alfie the Doorstep Cat was homeless until he helped a family in trouble.
Born or Adopted July 23 to August 22
The Leo dog loves a tiara. Absolutely loves it. Even the cats don’t mind if you make them little newspaper crowns. These furry monarchs of the animal kingdom were born to rule. Don’t even think about sending the dog to a bed on the floor. How very dare you send them to a piece of mere pet furniture! Sooner or later, the Leo doggo will find a throne. And have you noticed that when the Leo dog barks, it is an instruction? They just want you to obey orders. They can be snobs about what they consider to be the upper classes of the dog world, too. Crufts interests them greatly. The Leo cat will try to get through the door ahead of you, and lead the way, tail in the air, like a true queen. You are merely an attendant, walking behind with your hands clasped behind your back. I once knew a man who tried to call his Leo dog Fido. He would have none of it. Far too common. So Phydeaux he became. Even the Leo budgies think their cage is their castle.
Famous Leo Animal: Simba the Lion King!
Born or Adopted August 23 to September 22
These creatures are natural doctors and nurses, and love making a fuss of you when you’re ill. Calling Doctor Doggo and Nurse Cat! They take a great interest in their own health too, and genuinely find the vet fascinating. Which dog gets on the scales to be weighed before even being asked? The Virgo pup. Here’s one thing all Virgo creatures dislike: flies. (Apart from the actual Virgo flies, of course). The cats will trap them with their paws on the window – no need for fly spray. The dogs eat them. Virgo goldfish get together and plot cunning underwater murders for them. This is a clean creature, you see, and flies just spell dirt. They’re fussy about water, too. If they think the bowl you laid out isn’t fresh enough, they’ll drink from the tap. The cats are great massagers and will flex their paws like true professionals before applying the art of Shicatsu. The Virgo polar bears do yoga in the snow. Virgo dogs just do the pose named after them, of course. The typical Virgo animal is organised, efficient and good at managing the whole household.
Famous Virgo Animal: Babe, the sheep-pig, who was famous for her efficient sheep-herding.
THE LIBRA ANIMAL
Born or Adopted September 23 to October 22
This creature needs a partner. It doesn’t really matter which species. Libra ducks will snuggle up to golden retrievers and Libra cats will climb fences so they can kiss their favourite horse on the nose. These are romantic animals who love holding hands – well, paws, anyway. The Libra dog is a great peacemaker and if he hears two cats fighting, will step in, pick up the worst offender in his mouth and take him away, like a police officer. These are the smoochers of the zodiac and all Libran creatures do it – budgies, goldfish and dolphins. Who kisses you first thing on Caturday morning at 6 am? The Libran cat, pinning you down on the pillow with her lovely cat-food breath. Libran creatures like it best when it’s just the two of you. Not the three of you. They can be quite determined about shoving other household pets out of the way. The dogs sing piano duets. The Libra animal’s favourite partner, though, is you. They love being by your side, always.
Famous Libra Animal: Miss Piggy, The Muppets’ most romantic character – she’s madly in love with Kermit.
THE SCORPIO ANIMAL
Born or Adopted October 23 to November 21 the Elizabethan collar of shame once the surgery is over. Scorpions are associated with dangerous stings and it’s quite true that your Scorpio creature can lash out if he or she feels you deserve it. They are also rather good at hiding, like real scorpions. You can tell them all your secrets, though. They like it when you whisper in their ear.
The Scorpio dog is the bottom-sniffer par excellence of your local park. You can’t stop them. In the original zodiac, recorded in old books from the Middle Ages, Scorpio ruled … the buttocks. Even your Scorpio goldfish seems to have an unusual interest in that part of their tank-mate’s anatomy. These creatures like to breed. And breed. And breed. It’s a dark day when you put the Scorpio cat or dog in the plastic crate, bound for the vet and a snipping ceremony. Nobody gives you such dark looks from inside
Famous Scorpio Animal: Mary of Exeter, the homing pigeon who delivered secret messages to England from France during World War II.
THE SAGITTARIUS ANIMAL
Born or Adopted November 22 to December 21
Open the door to the car, and Sagittarius is sitting in the front seat before you are. Pack your suitcases or backpack, and the longing looks will be unbearable. Sagittarian animals guilt-trip you when you go on holiday without them and have been known to wander off on their own vacations when you are away to make a point. Their greatest sadness is Not Being Allowed Into Places. One day, the Sagittarian creatures fantasise, they will be allowed everywhere. The dogs have foreign blends in their puppy DNA. So, you might have a French poodle mixed with a sturdy British breed like a spaniel. They also have foreign romances and they don’t really care about the rules. That Irish wolfhound you saw making eyes at a Persian cat was probably a Sagittarian. The greatest day in history for European doggos was the introduction of pet passports.
Famous Sagittarius Animal: Skippy the Bush Kangaroo is a typical Sagittarian hero – gifted at flying helicopters and very much an action marsupial who can go anywhere.
THE CAPRICORN ANIMAL
Born or Adopted December 22 to January 19
Ambitious! The Capricorn creature wants to make it to the top of your household and typically wants to be Top Dog or Top Cat. These animals are fond of high places and when you hear the fire brigade siren at the other end of the street, you just know that it’s a Capricorn kitteh who has gotten stuck. The dogs aim to be on your knee, or on the chair next to yours, or better still, actually on the table. They all want to be on the bed, because they know it’s a privileged human place and a sign of great rank and status. They are all career-minded. When you work, they like to get involved. If you’re a dressmaker, the Capricorn cat will sit on the fabric, inspecting your hems. Flip open your laptop for a Skype call and the Capricorn doggo will be sticking his head in front of the camera. Have you heard of Max the Golden Retriever, appointed the mayor of a California town five times in a row? He’s probably a Capricorn. (He wears a tie and everything). Boss dog! Capricorn creatures are patient, steadfast and take charge!
Famous Capricorn Animal: The one and only Lassie.
