Forget snails and creepy crawlies – garden gnomes are the real garden pests to watch out for! They scare the dog, steal underpants off the clothesline and play tennis with your lemons.
Gardenius gnomi, or ‘garden gnomes’ as they’re more commonly known, can pop up unannounced at any time in any garden, no matter where you live. If you spot one in your garden, don’t worry. There are a few fail-safe ways to make sure these pesky critters stay away for good.
KNOW YOUR GNOME
While you can buy gnome sprays like ‘No More Gnomes’ from most garden centres, there’s really no single product that can get rid of all types of gnomes. So before you start spraying everything with a beard and a pointy cap, know your gnomes. Here’s our list of the most common ones and some ways you can get rid of them using things you can make at home.
BLUE-CAPPED MINERS
The most common of all garden gnomes, Blue-Capped Miners can be a real menace. Not only will their pickaxes cause root damage to trees and shrubs, they also have a nasty habit of weeing on your flowers.
How to dig out Blue-Capped Miners
Most Blue Caps are allergic to citrus. A simple mixture of lemon juice, water and sugar, sprayed around your garden, can keep Bluecaps away for up to six weeks. You’ll need:
6 Lemons
6 Cups of water
½ Cup white sugar
Juice the lemons and combine with the water in a large jug. Stir in the sugar until dissolved. Sprinkle around shrubs and garden beds. In hot weather, it also makes for a rather refreshing drink.
RED-CAPPED FISHERS
Easily identified due to their red caps and fishing rods, these gnomes lead to tree rot, pimples and, in some cases, scurvy.
Catching Red-Capped Fishers
To sort out any Red Caps that may be fishing in your garden, consider keeping a pet. No, not a cat or dog. A seal. You see, Red-Capped Fishers love fish – any kind of fish, from goldfish, to cans of sardines in your kitchen cupboard, to an old piece of tuna sushi that rolled underneath your couch a year ago. Having a seal around the house reduces the number of fish on your property because you’ll have to feed your seal over 20 kg of fish every day. That’s a lot of fish-fingers! If you get a walrus, expect to feed them even more – up to 6000 clams in a single feed. Any Red-Capped Fishers will eventually get so hungry that they’ll leave your garden and set up camp outside your local fish and chip shop.
GREEN-CAPPED SHOVELERS
While their caps may blend in nicely with the foliage, the Green-Capped Shoveler actually causes extensive lawn damage – even sinkholes. They’re also known to bring on asthma, mumps and gastro.
Goodbye to Green Caps
The worst kind of gnome without question is the Green-Capped Shoveler. If you’re unlucky enough to have an infestation, it’s probably just easier to move house. Unlike many gnomes, Green-Capped Shovelers are too clever for traps and baits. The only way we have had any success in driving away these pesky devils is with an ice-cream van. But the ice-cream van must be playing that horrible old song ‘Greensleeves’ (the one that goes ‘boom boom boom boom diddy boom boom boom diddy booom booom boom diddy booom boom boom’ over and over and over again). It has to be that one. It has to be on full blast. And you have to chuck a lot of those old ice-cream-van flaky chocolate logs at the gnomes. Repeat every day for four months. We can’t guarantee this will work for you, but it did work for us.
Less common in the Southern Hemisphere, but sadly on the increase, these ghastly wheelbarrow pushers will give you a very nasty rash. Of course, they’re best known for leaving their droppings in dogs’ water bowls.
How to push away Yellow Barrowers
Yellow Barrowers can’t push their wheelbarrows through marshy ground, so always make your garden as marshy as possible. The easiest way to do so is with marshmallows. You’ll need:
14 Large Bags of Marshmallows (pink, white or both)
Simply scatter all the marshmallows on the ground (maybe eat one or two, but no more, okay?). Once melted by the sun, the marshmallows should form a sticky, marshy crust on your lawn, and any Yellow Barrower will steer clear. Always a good idea to remove your shoes when you come indoors after using this technique.
ORANGE LANTERNS
The Orange Lantern loves nothing more than keeping you awake at night by waving around their old-fashioned lanterns and singing really badly. They also like to chew through your washing – particularly underpants.
Beans Means Bye-Bye for Orange Lanterns
We’ve all had those sleepless nights when an annoying Orange Lantern keeps shining a light through your bedroom window. The answer to this common problem is surprisingly simple – beans! Leave an opened tin or two of baked beans out before you go to bed. The greedy little blighters will gorge themselves silly. Then just wait. The gases will build up inside the gnomes, and then when they turn on their lanterns – POP!!! I know what you’re thinking: how will I ever be able to clean up all the garden gnome shards? Don’t worry – the gnome is left intact. It’s just their lanterns that blow. With no light to shine the gnomes will buzz off quickly.
SAY NO TO GNOMES
Now that your garden is hopefully 100 per cent gnome-free, you’ll want to make sure it stays that way. There are a number of ways you can do this. Here are some of our favourites.
Hire a private security guard
Your own security guard can be a great investment in your garden. They work hard and respond well to doughnuts. We can put you in touch with a guy called Knuckles.
A drone defence system
Many people think that gnomes get into gardens via the ground, but actually, most gnomes arrive in little helicopters. With a 24-hour killer drone armada patrolling the skies around your property, you’ll be able to rest easy.
Grow your own howler monkeys
If there’s one thing gnomes really can’t stand, it’s the smell of howler monkeys. You can buy a howler monkey starter kit from most newsagents.
Keep emus
Emus will keep gnome numbers right down. They love nothing more than a tasty gnome. Keep one or two, or a whole herd, depending on the size of your property.
Mathematics
Reciting your times tables out loud seems to keep many gnomes at bay. The seven times tables particularly works a treat. If you can stomach it, long division will really give them a headache.
HI-HO, HI-HO, THESE GNOMES HAVE TO GO
We really hope you find these techniques useful. Remember, gnomes are a natural predator of a lot of other garden ornaments, so once the gnomes are gone, you may well see an increase in bird baths, windchimes and weeing stone cherubs. We’ll tell you how to get rid of them another time. Happy gardening!
