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When I gave a talk at a primary school recently, I was asked by one of the female students for my life lessons. Off the top of my head (the place where dandruff comes from, I know!), I came up with try everything except parachuting in a ballgown and scuba diving in high heels. But the question got me thinking. As a graduate of the School of Life, with a diploma in Hard Knocks, what wisdom could I impart? So, here are my top tips.

LAUGH.

There’s nothing better than a fit of the giggles. Joke around, tell a joke, be the butt of a joke and not just because it’s fun, but it may save your life. I mean, do you know why the cannibal didn’t eat the comedy writer? Because she tasted funny.

SCHOOL.

The friends you make at school will probably be your mates for life. But if you do encounter a bully, just remember that nobody can make you feel inferior unless you let them. Most teachers are marvellous (my mum was a teacher and you couldn’t meet a more loving person). But if any teacher goes into Miss Trunchbull mode and starts terrifying you, just imagine them skateboarding in their underpants, while yodelling, wearing antlers and being squirted with custard – and they suddenly won’t look so scary anymore.

HEALTH.

Throw out your bathroom scales. In your teen years, there’ll be so much pressure on you to look a certain way. But if Mother Nature had wanted our skeletons to be visible, I have a strong suspicion that she would have put them on the outside of our bodies. And when you grow up, never have cosmetic surgery. My mother told me never to pick my nose – especially from a catalogue.

ENVIRONMENT.

The effects of climate change will be irreversible in just eleven years’ time, so start nagging your parents and friends to do more about pollution, habitat loss and species extinction. I recycle everything – including jokes. Like this, for example: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus. And: To see where the sun goes, stay up all night and then it will dawn on you. (I have more!)

BE YOURSELF.

If you’re feeling like a balloon with all the air leaking out, ask for help. It helps to remember that ‘normal’ is nothing more than the setting on a washing machine. Speak up, be confident and stand on your own two thongs – a girl should never wait to be rescued by some Knight in Shining Armani.

FUN.

And don’t forget to enjoy yourself. Life is a bowl of cherries, so you don’t want to be left in the pips! And you can never practise handstands too much.

Oh, and most importantly of all, be wary of people who give advice. Except for your mum. My mum is the wittiest, most wise and wonderful person in my life. In fact, I’m just off to get her top tips right now.