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Dear Dave,

Last week you sat on me.

I never said one word about it.

Even though

you farted in my face

and

didn’t flush afterwards.

That’s just me. It’s who I am.

I never complain.

But

this morning

when I sat on your face

you said a lot

of very hurtful things.

I’m just letting you know

I don’t appreciate

being screamed at

so early in the morning.

OR

ANY TIME

And

I don’t like being called

Ugly.

Or

Fat.

Or

Twit Head.

My NAME is CLIVE.

And DAVE,

For your information:

I’m extremely good-looking.

Even though three of my eyes

are a bit sideways.

I’m THAT popular

With the girls from the garden shed

It’s not FUNNY.

Unlike someone

else I could mention –

DAVE.

And

thanks to that

‘Cockroach-free-low-fat-NO-fat-some-fat diet’

I’m definitely not FAT.

I’m not even cuddly.

I’m THAT skinny

I almost can’t SEE me.

AND

As for a Twit Head:

Last year

I was voted

TOP of my class

By

My

MUM.

Are YOU top

of your class, Dave?

I DON’T think so.

Remember

that time you

used your school report

for toilet paper?

Well, Dave,

I read it.

And

I know what F

stands for.

One final thing, Dave.

I didn’t like

you trying to kill me.

With BIG-BOY deodorant.

Which, by the way,

Didn’t work.

I’m still alive,

DAVE

And

I’m on your pillow

smelling

fresh

as

an

armpit.

Don’t worry,

DAVE

I never hold a grudge

That’s just me.

It’s who I am.

Your best (and only) friend,

CLIVE

PS: If you promise not to KILL us,

Mum says you can come and play anytime.

RSVP: The downstairs toilet.