Codename: Catching your parents speaking about you to extended family.
Adults sneaking into the laundry while they’re on the phone with your grandparents can mean only one thing: TREACHERY. No doubt they’re relaying all of your private details about your report card, your last fight with your siblings and how you’ve been secretly flushing capsicum down the toilet after dinner (who wouldn’t?). Lucky you’re able to intervene once wetting the bed comes up in conversation, which only happened ONCE last month and ONLY because you had a nightmare about your arch-nemesis. Is nothing sacred?
Codename: Doing a huge fart and not pooping your pants.
RED ALERT! There’s a crowded room with a bomb about to explode! The only weapons around are an egg-and-lettuce-sandwich, a banana milkshake and a side of pickled onions. As the bomb timer counts down, you let a sloppy one rip right out the wazoo, clearing the room in seconds with no casualties! Afterwards, you dash to the nearest bathroom to check your undies and they are miraculously clean, despite the frankly unbelievable stench. You’re awarded the key to the city for your heroism.
X-RAY VISION
Codename: Finding money!
There’s a $2 coin stuck in the bottom of the stormwater drain near your house and nobody has noticed. Nobody has seen that crisp $5 note caught in a tree branch in the school playground, either – some poor kid’s tuckshop money, no doubt. There’s a veritable fortune out there, and you’re out to collect it before it gets into the wrong (read: evil) hands. That cash is going straight to the less fortunate kids you know, because duh, that’s what superheroes are for. But you might save $1 to buy a Slush Puppie because saving the world is exhausting work.
IMMUNITY TO POISON
Codename: Eating pizza that’s fallen on the floor and not getting sick.
So apparently the 10-second rule only applies to foods that aren’t wet or sticky … but you laugh in the face of danger! Who’s going to waste a perfectly good slice of pizza or a scoop of ice cream, even if you dropped it on the rug and it has some bits of dog hair stuck to it? Sure, you had a tummy ache for an hour and had to rest on the couch while everyone else played outside because you couldn’t stop burping and then a little spew came out too, but the important thing is YOU SURVIVED! :O
Codename: Turning off the lights when you hear something scary outside so you can see and catch the culprit!
What the HECK was that noise? Possible answers: a vampire, a robber, a ghost, a mailman, or an evil wizard. Since everyone else is chicken (and you’re not, because there’s nothing scary about vampires except I guess … they sleep in coffins and suck your blood and transform into bats and they’re the undead, gulp – ANYWAY), it’s up to you to turn on your night vision to discover that – phew, it’s just a possum! But the possum is eating your dad’s herbs, so he screams, which makes you scream, and that scares the possum away. Ha! Your work here is done.
TIME TRAVEL
Codename: Falling asleep during the day and waking up when it’s dark.
Why do people always complain about being bored? Haven’t they ever tried a little something called ‘travelling to a point in the timescape when less boring things are happening’? All you need is willpower and maybe some warm milk and some biscuits too. A soft blanket and pillow are also important. You’ll wake up with dinner on its way and your favourite TV show starting in ten minutes, and you didn’t even have to wait! :D
FORCE FIELD
Codename: Slamming the door to your bedroom AKA KEEP OUT!!!
Even superheroes need time to themselves. Using force fields is an effective way to keep trespassers from entering your secret lair so you can be yourself without people judging you or seeing you cry or trying to hug you, even though that would be kind of nice so they can at least apologise for being mean … or let you apologise for being mean … even though they’re the ones who are actually the meanest. The most effective way to break a force field is to always knock.
Codename: Helping an adult.
Don’t send an adult to do a kid’s job, like reaching into the space behind the fridge where a rotten egg’s exploded and made the kitchen smell like a carnival of farts, or untying the knot in your sister’s necklace, or climbing up the hallway walls like a spider to touch the ceiling, or just reminding adults that they don’t have to worry so much about every little thing because, DUH – you’re a superhero, REMEMBER?!
