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Background to Recording: Following the detection of radio signals from the vicinity of the planet Proxima Centauri b, Earth has prepared for contact with alien life forms. Prior to the achievement of full readiness, an alien craft was detected approaching Earth. The aliens signalled that they were in possession of a Universal Translator and had come to speak with us. We understand they have been intercepting signals from Earth for some time. On landing, an alien creature emerged, holding said Translator. Interview transcript follows.

BORDER FORCE: Welcome to Earth. How are you?

ALIEN: You are asking how I am? You do not know how things come to be? I am because my parents used their reproductive capacity to create me. I am because I come from a planet with an environment that has allowed complex multicellular organisms to evolve. I am because, in the origin of solar systems, a lump of matter formed an appropriate distance from a source of light energy, and the necessary sequence of events occurred. How do you think you are? Were you made from mud and baked in the sun? No. I am surprised you do not know the origin of creatures.

BORDER FORCE: Sorry. What I meant was, are you well?

ALIEN: This question is absurd. I am not well. I am living organism. You want deep cylindrical hole in ground from which to obtain water? Go and dig one. Are you garden hose? Are you barbecue with conveniently placed gazebo? I can ask pointless questions too, but would prefer not.

BORDER FORCE: My apologies for the misunderstanding. I was asking after your health.

ALIEN: After my health? Why after? Is my health over? Is my health past tense? Have you taken action to end my health?

BORDER FORCE: Again, my apologies. We seek only peaceful relations with the citizens of Proxima Centauri b. Do you come in peace?

ALIEN: I come fully assembled. I do not come in piece. Do I look to you like some partial creature, with completion requiring allen key, instruction document and much bad language? I thank you for your time, and confirm that our business is now concluded.

Observer’s Notes: At this point, the alien retreated towards its ship. Before it deactivated its Universal Translator, it made one further audible comment.

ALIEN [presumably to a higher authority]: We have greatly overestimated the capacity of the alpha species of this planet. On close examination, it appears to be a herd animal with a capacity for language-like sounds that actually mean little. Can confirm there are no realistic prospects of alliance or trade. Suggest this planet be bypassed by future missions, or given consideration as a possible food source, as a compositional analysis of the herd animal suggests it has nutrient potential.

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