image
image

The Archibold residence was the largest on Vermont Avenue.

It was five times bigger than all the other houses on the street and that wasn’t because it had more rooms inside. In fact, it was only two storeys tall! And in all honesty, it had an identical layout to the Jones’s house three doors down.

The Archibold house was just bigger. Much bigger. GINORMOUS. GIGANTIC.

It was actually a request of Mrs Archibold herself. She wanted the rooms to be huge. She wanted the doorways to be wider and the ceilings higher. She wanted the backyard to be the size of two football fields.

You see, Mrs Archibold once read in a magazine that houses with spacious rooms and wide, open spaces had a positive energy about them. And if there was anything Mrs Archibold loved, it was following popular trends.

So did her children.

Twins Kelsey and Cameron Archibold inherited their mother’s love for whimsical fads. They also inherited their father’s ravenous appetite.

image

As a result, the Archibold children only ate the most exotic items from all over the world. Whatever was on trend. Whatever was popular. Whatever was so hot right now. They would eat it all!

For two weeks in February of last year, the twins would only eat giant pillberries from a plantation in the Bahamas. Pillberries were three feet tall and tasted quite bitter, but Kelsey had read that they were good for digestion. So Mrs Archibold hired a specialised cook. The twins consumed nothing but pillberry smoothies and pillberry flans until they grew tired of the idea.

There was the time when Cameron had read that all the Hollywood action stars – including Bruce Dangerlips and Pete Flexitoff – were raving on about snoozledents for ‘cinematic energy’. The house was soon full of the eight-metre long animals from the island of Petuku.

image

And then, one Thursday night in November, their demands escalated!

The Archibolds’ third award-winning chef of the year was preparing the evening meal. She was slaving over the stove, adding a pinch of this, a dash of that.

The twins were sitting at the bench with empty plates before them, impatient as always.

‘I’m not eating that,’ Cameron stated.

‘You haven’t even tried it yet,’ Ms Bell argued. A determined and stubborn woman in her mid-forties, Ms Bell was not accustomed to taking orders from children.

‘It doesn’t matter. It’s not round. I only eat round things now,’ Cameron said.

Ms Bell’s casual smile seemed to waver as she stirred the meal with a spoon. ‘Your sister will be eating it, Cameron.’

‘Actually, Ms Bell, I only eat things that are square,’ Kelsey said.

‘Since when?’

‘Last Monday. Surely Mother informed you?’

Mrs Archibold had not.

Ms Bell sighed, pushed her signature dish into the bin and scrubbed the saucepan clean. ‘So, what do you want to eat then?’

‘Anything that’s round,’ Cameron said, annoyed that he had to repeat himself.

‘Anything that’s square,’ Kelsey said, bored with the conversation.

Ms Bell ran her tongue over her teeth, deep in thought. She whirled around and set to work. Never once did her beehive hair fall out of place in her flurry of kitchen antics. The twins, now ravenous, waited in silence.

A plate of peas was served to Cameron.

‘They aren’t all round,’ he said, picking out the ten he would eat before he pushed the plate away.

A bowl of crackers was served to Kelsey.

‘They have round edges. They aren’t really squares,’ she complained.

Ms Bell sighed, before returning to work. She served tarantula cookies to Cameron. She served porcupine bread to Kelsey.

They were unimpressed.

‘Two sides are longer than the others,’ Kelsey said, wrinkling her nose. ‘This is actually more of a rectangle than a square.’

Ms Bell turned to her cookbook, Exotic Foods for the Extraordinary. She flipped through the sections and dog-eared the pages with only round and square items.

Ms Bell shuffled back and forth to the fridge and pantry, returning with armfuls of fresh ingredients.

The twins never moved from the kitchen bench. They grew impatient, their knives and forks still clenched between their fingers.

‘We’re hungry,’ the twins complained.

Ms Bell set to work.

Eyeballs of the Siberian Monocle Fish.

Banana, hibiscus and oatmeal waffles.

Bubbled lungs of warted octopi.

Processed cube of venomous tile viper.

image

‘I don’t know how you can eat all those square things,’ Cameron said to his sister. ‘There’s something unnatural about it. Positively unorganic.’

‘Me?! What you’ve just eaten is the most disgusting food I’ve ever heard of!’ Kelsey said. ‘And I’ve eaten street food from the Ramendu Desert.’

‘If it’s round, I’ll eat it!’ Cameron boasted. ‘Whatever Ms Bell prepares, I will consume!’

Kelsey rolled her eyes. ‘Fine. Ms Bell, please prepare as many round meals as are in your cookbooks. My brother feels the need to indulge himself.’

Ms Bell did as she was told. And Cameron, true to his word, ate all the meals one by one.

The beaded entrails of the long-haired sugar moose.

The bulbous body of the Sludovian slug in a mucus sauce.

The roasted seeds of the fire-breathing scorpino plant.

‘I’ve still got plenty of room for more, Ms Bell. All these round things are delicious.’ Cameron licked the Sludovian slug mucus from his spoon.

‘I’m afraid my books don’t have any more recipes for round things,’ Ms Bell announced, closing the sixteenth cookbook in front of the twins.

‘Ha! See Kelsey, I’ve met your challenge. I’ve eaten everything round in the world.’

‘No, you haven’t.’

‘Ms Bell said it herself. She’s out of recipes.’

Ms Bell tried to interrupt. ‘Well, more cookbooks do exist—’

But nobody was listening to Ms Bell!

‘Well, the world is round, Cameron,’ Kelsey said. ‘And you haven’t eaten that yet.’

Cameron sat in silence. Kelsey, smug in her victory, began to smile.

‘I accept.’

‘You accept what?’ Kelsey asked.

‘Your challenge. I will eat the world.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Ms Bell muttered. ‘You can’t just … just … eat the world.’

The twins ignored Ms Bell.

‘I’d like to see you try to eat the world,’ Kelsey hissed.

Cameron rose on his stool and puffed out his chest. The water moose entrails dropped into his stomach with a small plop.

‘Ms Bell, prepare Earth for my next meal,’ Cameron said. ‘You have a few hours before I’ll be in position.’

‘How would I—’ Ms Bell started.

‘Surely it’s in one of your books,’ Cameron said. ‘You didn’t win those awards for nothing. Come on, Kelsey, let’s take Father’s space shuttle. It’s parked in the backyard.’

As the twins left the kitchen, Cameron yelled back, ‘Ms Bell, please keep it light on the salt. You don’t want to overdo it like you did with the fish eyeballs.’

image

The twins took the Archibold shuttle into space. There was a slight delay while they demanded both round and square snacks for the trip.

Ms Bell was busy throwing seasoning into space and watching it drift to Earth below.

Paprika.

Sage.

Garlic.

Only a pinch of salt.

Cameron Archibold, the first of his name, went to the lockers to put on his spacesuit.

He passed the viewing windows and was distracted by the beauty of the planet below. Plus the sight of Ms Bell, clutching a recipe book in one hand while throwing vegetables with the other.

His stomach rumbled. His eyes grew wide. His mouth watered. He was ready to eat! Cameron picked up his cutlery and prepared himself. ‘I’m ready to make history, Kelsey.’

Kelsey scrolled through internet articles on her phone to pass the time. She clicked on the article titled: World’s oldest boy band claims success on secret superfood.

After Kelsey read it, she showed it to Cameron. He quickly scanned the article.

‘The world has been roasting by sunlight for the last hour, Cameron. Your meal is ready,’ Ms Bell said.

Cameron shrugged. ‘Actually, Ms Bell, I don’t want to eat the world anymore.’

What?’ Ms Bell asked. ‘But I’ve just used my best seasoning and herbs. All that oregano, wasted!’

‘I’ve changed my mind,’ Cameron said.

Ms Bell was flummoxed. ‘What do you mean, you’ve changed your mind?’ she shrieked. ‘What would you like to eat instead?’

‘I’ll forward you the recipe. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. It’s all the rage in the music industry.’

image