Chapter 21
I never imagined going to the Valentine’s Day Dance with my sister and Skeevy Stevey, but there have been crazier things that have happened to me.
I text Andy a selfie after I’m dressed. A lot of girls will be wearing red or hot pink dresses, but I choose a black halter that hides the scar on my collarbone. I love it, and I smile when I hit send.
Andy texts back a series of emojis with a simple message that makes my heart jump.
We’ve been texting a lot lately—so much that I haven’t minded the fact that I haven’t received a paper heart in over a week. Andy is always full of sweet things to say, but this one in particular makes me smile. I type back.
I laugh as I read it, because at the same time, I hear Ashley whining my name from the bathroom.
When I head to the bathroom my jaw drops. This is the first time I’ve seen Ashley in a color other than black in months. She’s wearing a red strapless dress and matching red lipstick, but her mouth is currently in a pout.
“What’s wrong? You look great,” I say.
“You don’t need to lie to me,” she says dramatically. “Of course I would have a bad hair day today of all days.”
“What’re you talking about?” She has curled her hair, which is a nice change since normally it’s pin-straight.
“Are you sure? I can’t see the back, and I feel like I missed some pieces.” She turns around and I see that she’s not wrong. I grab the hot iron from the bathroom counter. “Let me help,” I say. She stands still as I loop the first strand around the metal clamp.
“Why are you so much better at this than me?” she whines.
“A lot of practice,” I laugh. “Remember how me and Carmen would wear gloves when we first started because we kept burning ourselves?” I stop, realizing Jess or Katie is probably doing her hair right now.
Ashley gives me a small smile in the mirror. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”
“What do you mean?”
Ashley raises an eyebrow. “I’m really happy that you want to third-wheel with me and Steve, but I know that’s not exactly your first choice. Obviously, something happened. Is Carmen mad at you again?”
I nod. “I’m always disappointing her in one way or another. She wants me to be something and I just don’t.”
“Have you tried saying that to her?” Ashley asks.
I wrap another piece of hair around the barrel of the iron. “Well, no,” I admit.
“I think maybe you should. You guys are too good of friends to not talk it out, and if she doesn’t want to hear it…you don’t need a friend like that.”
I nod. “Giving your older sister advice. Who are you these days?”
Ashley smiles.
“Do you think it’s going to be weird for you tonight…you know, going to the dance, since last year…” She trails off.
I spin her around to face me. I remember Ashley when she was a little girl with skinned knees, applesauce in her pigtails, and colored marker all over her hands. But tonight, I’ll remember her looking absolutely beautiful.
“Yes, tonight is weird for me, but that’s why this is important. I don’t want it to be. That’s why I’m doing this even though all my friends are going to the dance without me. When I think of the Valentine’s Day Dance, I want to have new memories…so no pressure, but we have to have fun tonight.”
“We can do that.” She smiles. Then she squeezes my hand three times like she used to do.
The gym looks like it’s been hit with Cupid’s arrow. The walls and ceiling are covered in pink twinkling lights. The planner in me starts looking around, making a checklist of all the things I would’ve done differently, like put the flower wall on the far end of the gymnasium so the line doesn’t block the entrance as people come in. But it looks beautiful, and I feel a twinge of sadness, knowing that I had nothing to do with it.
The DJ has started playing music, but nobody wants to be first on the dance floor. On the far side of the basketball court is a flower wall donated by the florist next door. There’s a line for pictures.
“Oooh! We need one together,” Ashley says to Steve, grabbing his arm. He’s wearing a black suit with black Converses that actually look pretty good together. But as she turns with me we see Carmen and the rest of my friends get in the back of the line. They’re all wearing minidresses in shades of pink, with stilettos. I wonder if Carmen recruited one of them to get their nails done together.
Ashley follows the direction of my eyes. “Never mind. Let’s wait until the line isn’t as long.”
“Good idea.”
We turn around, and walking in with his date is Pete. The girl named Molly who he was apparently seeing before me has her arm locked in his. She’s wearing a red dress with mesh cutouts.
Stop staring, I tell myself. But it’s too late. Suddenly, I’ve locked eyes with Pete across the gym. He gives me a small smile, which in a way is comforting. We’re back to being exes. I just wish I could’ve come here with Andy. If I had, it wouldn’t matter that I’m not talking to any of my friends. Luckily, I have Ashley.
“Maybe we won’t run into anyone by the punch,” she suggests now, but as she says it Steve’s head jerks toward the DJ, who has started playing a slow song.
“I love this song!” Steve says. “Let’s dance.”
Ashley looks at the dance floor. “Nobody else is dancing yet.”
He shrugs. “So we’ll be the first.”
The way Ashley smiles lets me know this is the most romantic thing he’s ever said. She looks at me.
“Go!” I encourage her. “I have to go to the bathroom anyway.”
“Are you sure?”
I smile. “Yes, I’ll come third wheel after.”
“Okay!” she says. As Steve whisks her away to the dance floor, she turns around to mouth thank you.
I head to the bathroom, passing the punch table on the way. There’s a little sign that says love potion that makes me smile. It’s clever—I bet Sarah came up with it.
I’m relieved when I get to the bathroom. It’s early enough that there’s not a long line yet, and anybody that’s willing to stand in a long line is trying to get the first pictures at the flower wall. I take the opportunity to do a quick lipstick fix in the mirror. By the end of the dance it’ll be impossible to do.
As I’m putting my lipstick back in my bag, I hear familiar voices outside the bathroom door.
“I still can’t believe we got booed trying to cut the line.”
It’s Jess. Of course they tried to cut the line, I think as I sprint to the nearest stall.
“I said we shouldn’t do it,” I hear Katie say as the bathroom door opens. “You and Carmen insisted.”
From underneath the stall door I watch their heels head toward the bathroom mirror. If they see my nude heels, they don’t care because they keep talking.
“Yeah, well, now she’s mad like it’s all our fault,” Jess says.
“She’ll get over it. She’s just embarrassed Anthony was watching when it happened.”
“Does Carmen get over anything?” Her voice lowers. “She’s still mad about what Ella did last year. It’s obvious.”
What I did last year? What did I do?
“It’s also low-key hilarious that history is repeating itself. It’s like Carmen said. Freaking déjà vu. But Carmen better be careful. Pretty soon someone is going to tell Ella why she stopped being friends with us last year and became attached at the hip to that rando.”
My head starts to spin.
“Carmen would kill them. Everyone knows that. She’s never been meaner than when Ella ditched her for Sarah Chang.”
Ditched her for Sarah Chang? It takes everything in me to stop myself from gasping.
“In Ella’s defense, I don’t blame her,” Katie says. “Carmen’s so controlling. Who Ella is friends with. Who Ella dates. I mean, it still blows my mind that Ella broke up with Pete for that guy, but that’s beside the point.”
My head is spinning. I broke up with Pete for someone else? Is this who Sydney thought I was in love with? But if I was in love with someone, why would they have just disappeared after the accident? Why is everyone hiding him from me?
“But Carmen better chill. She’s obviously still racked with guilt for what she did last year. Why else is she shipping them so hard?”
“I don’t know why she hasn’t just told Ella yet. Carmen should just say the truth—‘you and Pete were broken up and the five minutes behind the flower wall wasn’t worth losing my friendship with you but I messed up.’ ”
“Do you think Ella would forgive her?”
“Probably. You know she’s kind of a pushover with Carmen.”
With that last remark, I can no longer bite my tongue. I swing open the stall door. Behind Jess and Katie, I see my reflection staring back at me in the mirror. There’s a look of determination on my face. I’m ready to demand answers.
“Who did I break up with Pete for?” I ask. I don’t even care that Carmen kissed Pete at this point, now that I know there’s something even bigger they’re keeping from me. My voice sounds angry because I am. All this time my friends knew things that I didn’t and they chose to keep them hidden from me. So much for always having each other’s backs. Both Katie’s and Jess’s mouths drop like they’ve seen a ghost. “Tell me,” I say, raising my voice this time.
They’re silent. I stare at them, waiting for them to say something—anything—when the bathroom door whishes open. It’s Carmen, of all people. She widens her eyes at me, but then she looks at Jess and Katie, who still look like deer caught in headlights.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
“Nothing,” I answer for them. “They were just about to tell me why I broke up with Pete last year.”
She whips her head at them and that’s all I need to know. She knew too.
“Oh, and this was after they already said that you made out with Pete.”
Her cheeks flame in a way I haven’t seen before, even brighter than her dress. She’s completely guilty.
“You three disgust me,” I say, my voice seething. “All this time you watched me struggle with losing my memories and you decide to keep them from me. For what? So you can keep this fake image going that we’re best friends? Because you care so much what other people think? What about me?”
“Calm down,” Carmen says, grabbing my arms. “Let me explain.”
I rip myself away from her.
“Explain what? Explain that you’re a terrible friend?” Then I say the one thing that I know will hurt her the most. “No wonder I ditched you for Sarah Chang.”
She looks at me angrily, like she wants to slap me. But the damage is done. It feels like the one thread holding our best friend bracelet together has snapped. “Do you know how good a friend I’ve been to you this whole year? Poor me. I was in an accident and I can’t remember it. Do you know how annoying that’s been? I mean, really. Who knew you’d have a pity party for yourself that long? Meanwhile, we knew that accident was the best thing that ever happened to you. Before it happened, you were throwing everything good out of your life. Pete. Me. But please tell me how bad a friend I am again. There won’t be another accident for you to get a third chance.”
I stare at her in disbelief. It feels like the pieces of our friendship are scattered on the floor and I can’t pick them up to put it back together. Or admit it that if I try to put it back together, it’s only going to break again.
“I don’t want another chance,” I finally say. “I want to remember walking away from you.”
I storm out of the bathroom, wiping my eyes. Ashley’s at the edge of the dance floor with Steve because some pop song is on. She smiles when she sees me and waves me over. It’s only as I get closer and she can see the anger on my face that her smile fades.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
I want to tell her everything. I want to ask her what she knew too. But I’m so angry I can’t bear to be mad at her too.
“Give me your keys,” I say.
She grabs my shoulders. “You’re going to drive? Are you feeling okay?” she asks.
All I do is nod.
“Where are you going?” she asks, reaching into her silver clutch. She pulls out her keys and I grab them before she changes her mind.
“Tell Mom I’m sleeping at Katie’s or something.”
At this moment it feels like I’m never going to talk to her again, but my mom doesn’t know that.
“Where are you actually going?” Ashley asks, but I don’t even know the answer to that. All I know is I need to get away—away from everyone who has been lying to me.
I storm out of the dance like I stormed out of the bathroom, only stopping at the flower wall to interrupt Sarah Chang, who is getting her picture taken.
The photographer looks at me, annoyed. “Can’t you see there’s a line?” he asks, gesturing toward the one wrapping outside.
“One second,” I snap back.
Sarah’s eyes are wide when I turn back. “Are you okay?” she asks. I wonder if she can see the tears that are still floating in my eyes.
“I just want to say I don’t remember, but I found out we were friends. I don’t know why you didn’t want to tell me. You know what? It’s okay. We should talk. Just not now. I’m heading out. Enjoy the dance,” I say, leaving her with her mouth wide open as the photographer takes her photo.
Before I know it, I’m out in the parking lot, searching for the car, my heels clacking loudly on the pavement. It’s freezing, and of course I’m coatless because I didn’t want to worry about it at the dance, so I’m walking around the empty parking lot with my arms and legs exposed to the cold air. I feel little goose bumps on my skin, fully raised. They only rise higher when I reach my car because there’s a voice behind me.
“Ella, please don’t leave me.”
I know it’s Carmen before I spin around. Once I do, she continues.
“Can we please just talk about this?”
“Talk about what, Carmen? How you made out with my ex-boyfriend? Or worse, how you’ve been lying to me about everything for a full year?”
Just when I think I can’t be any madder at her, she reaches into her clutch and pulls out a paper heart. My mouth drops.
“I’ve been thinking a lot since our fight….I was planning on giving this to you tonight.”
“How long have you had that?” I ask. It’s my tenth paper heart. I’ve been so close to the end and she’s been keeping it from me, just like she’s kept everything else.
“Since Tuesday when I found it in your lock—”
“So you stole from me too? Great. How am I supposed to ever trust you again, Carmen?”
She looks down at her heels. “I don’t know.”
All I can do is shake my head. Here she is again, playing the victim. I find the right key on the key chain and start opening the door.
“Wait, Ellie. Please. You’re right. I’ve been a bad friend. I should’ve told you about Pete, but I…I was so hurt that you were becoming better friends with Sarah than me. It felt like you just left me…and I was crushed. The kiss didn’t mean anything. I felt so guilty, but that’s why me and Pete agreed not to tell you.”
I blink. That must be why Pete didn’t want to get back together with me last year. He felt guilty too.
“I always thought that you and Pete should be together, so I just wanted to forget about it,” Carmen continues. Then she lets out a sigh. “I just thought I’d never get you back if you knew.”
There’s a look in her eyes I’ve never seen before but I’m so mad at her, I don’t care what it is and turn away. How am I ever supposed to forgive her for what she has done? She’s apologizing a year too late.
I open the door and slide in. Before I can shut the door, she comes up next to me.
“It’s the Catskills.”
I look up at her pleading eyes.
“What?”
“The clue on your paper heart. It’s your Catskills house—I’ve been thinking about it all week.”
I nod but can’t bring myself to thank her now. Maybe not ever.
I shut the car door and start the engine. I’m not thinking about the fact that I haven’t been able to drive for a year, or that each time I’ve tried I feel like I’m back in the hospital again, gasping for air. All I know is I need to get away, so that’s what I do, not even looking at Carmen in the rearview mirror.
They say driving is like riding a bike. I never believed it until I was behind the wheel, driving by muscle memory.
Before I know it, I’m parked outside the library on another Friday night.
I strap my heels back on before getting out of the car. When I do, Andy sees me through the window. In seconds he rushes outside and soon his hands are on my face as he looks at the car, then back at me.
“Is everything okay? Did you drive here yourself? Why did you leave the dance?”
I hug him, and as I bury my face in his chest, I can feel his heart racing. But the smell of his cologne calms me.
“I’m fine,” I say. “Well, sort of. Can I tell you in the car? We have a long trip ahead of us.”
“Trip?” he asks, pulling back to see my face.
I nod. “I need to find my last paper heart.”
“Tonight? What about your dance?”
“I can’t wait any longer,” I say.
This time Andy nods before wrapping his arms around me, his heart still beating fast.