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A few hours and a much needed shower later, and the extended family was flooding into my parents’ house. Flood really was the best way to describe it with my dad’s five siblings and each of their respective family members. It was like my aunts and uncles had been told at some point that uteruses always needed to be occupied making babies.
I stood in the corner of the kitchen with Dani and Adam, I’d tapped into some of Dani’s wine to help calm my nerves.
It wasn’t really helping. I’d been the lucky recipient of Aunt Tammy’s quiet, judgmental stare for the past thirty minutes. The corners of her mouth were tugging down like there were lead weights attached, and they somehow sank lower each time her eyes found me or Adam - which had been often.
“Is there something on my face?” Adam asked quietly after the most recent time.
“Yeah, gay,” Dani poured herself a fresh glass and topped off mine while she was at it.
“Dani,” I hissed. She didn’t even have the decency of looking apologetic.
“What, are you worried they’ll find out? Didn’t we already move past that part like four or five years ago?”
She had a point, but it made everything feel too real to say the G word out loud. Especially in a crowded room. My entire life, the only time family uttered that word was in a negative light. So speaking about it now felt like painting a huge target on my back.
Maybe that target was always there, Dani mentioning it was just uncomfortable because it reminded me of its existence.
“Seriously though, should I say something to her?” Adam asked in a low voice. I followed his gaze, only to see Tammy looking upset again.
“She looks like she wants to say something to you,” Dani said.
I checked the clock on my phone; it was barely seven.
“Is this hell?” I asked Dani.
“Honey, don’t be dramatic,” Mom said, coming up behind me and overhearing our conversation. “You haven’t even said hi to anyone.”
She conveniently left out the fact no one had said hi to me yet.
She must’ve read my mind because she added; “Hiding in the corner isn’t going to help either. Most of the family didn’t even think you’d come. You haven’t been to one of these things in years.”
I blinked past the sting from her words. “Fine, I’ll go make the rounds,” I said. Mom’s face eased into a smile.
“Thank you.”
“Want me to come with?” Adam said. “They might wonder who the strange guy in the corner is.”
My mom’s face froze as she tried to figure out a diplomatic way of saying she’d rather people pretend he wasn’t there.
“I think that’s a great idea,” Dani said, grinning from ear to ear.
Hate you. I mouthed at her, to which her reply was a wink.
Adam stood and Dani lifted herself off the chair with mischief in her eyes. Mom looked like she wanted to object, but she was too committed to avoiding conflict at all costs to say anything to Adam.
Together, we left the kitchen and entered the living room.
I think understood how chum feels when it’s thrown to the sharks.
Family members converge on us. “Look who actually came this year!” my cousin Stephen commented from behind his wife, who was chasing down one of their two children.
“Yep, Mom finally guilted me into coming,” I said it like it was a joke, though we all knew it was true.
“You need to visit more,” Aunt Evalyn said, pulling me into a one-armed hug. “We miss you so much.”
A fresh wave of guilt washed over me, but it was quickly squashed by locking eyes with Uncle Max, who rolled his own and looked away.
One less person to be fake to. I told myself.
“Who’s your... friend?” Aunt Katie asked. Of all the Aunts to get into someone else’s business, it was her, so it wasn’t a shock that the question was coming from her.
“This is Adam,” I said loud enough that I wouldn’t have to say it again. “He’s my friend. We work together. It’s chill.”
Behind me, Dani choked on her wine and I felt my face grow red.
It’s chill? Christ, I didn’t even talk like that.
Before I could get too flustered, the allure of my presence wore off and everyone began to disperse.
“Guess they didn’t miss you that much,” Dani said. “Hey!” Judging from the sound, she’d earned herself a smack on the arm from Mom.
My Grandma remained there after the others had left. Her smile faltered a bit at Dani’s words, but she gave me a hug herself. “It really is nice seeing you here. Christmas hasn’t been the same without your music.”
I felt my face grow warm all over again. It had been years since I’d thought about playing piano, but it would be what they remembered most about me. I used to spend hours playing Christmas Songs to distract myself from the vaguely hateful political talk going on around me.
“I don’t play much anymore,” the grin on my face was fake and felt unconvincing.
“Well, you have to play Christmas Eve,” she said. “Just like old times.”
I grimaced but nodded. With that, Grandma wandered off to sit by one of her great-grandkids.
“Back to the kitchen?” Dani suggested.
“Yes, please.”
“Don’t drink too much,” Mom chided.
“I haven’t even finished a glass,” I said. Like I was going to get shitfaced in front of my family. They had enough to judge me for as it was being gay and absent. No, I needed to keep a clear head because the night was still young and it was only a matter of time before politics got brought up. They always did.
“That wasn’t so bad,” Adam said, sitting back down at the table.
“I thought Sam was going to gut you with his eyes,” Dani said.
“Which one was he?”
“The one that looked like a thumb,” I said.
“You need to narrow that down some more,” Dani said.
We both laughed and Adam just looked uncomfortable.
“Sorry,” I said. “He was in the back, you might have missed him.”
“Maybe,” Adam said. “We sure got a lot of... interesting looks in there.”
“Hey at least they’re the respectable kind of bigots,” Dani said. “They keep their hate quiet and just glare at you until you’re out of the room.”
“Yeah, then they go on a four-hour rant,” I pointed out.
Dani shrugged in response.
Dinner was ready right after that, and everyone made a line as they scooped up food from the serving table. The kitchen became suddenly claustrophobic as hungry relatives joked and laughed, waiting for their turn to get food.
We were fine where we were, though, in the little breakfast nook. And what’s more, everyone seemed to have either gotten bored with glaring at us, or otherwise used to our presence because even though the room was bursting at the seams, no one paid us any attention. They were all too distracted with their food and their kids and their conversations.
It reminded me of when Dani and I were much younger. Back then, the kids were relegated to a place where they wouldn’t bother the parents. Now that most of the cousins were grown and parents of their own, Dani and I found ourselves still following the same patterns. We were isolating ourselves from the parents so we’d stay out of their way.
Despite my earlier dread at coming, I felt myself relax. Perhaps I was being too negative about coming here. What did I expect? That my family would all point their fingers at me and scream, “Gay! Gay! Gay!” the moment I walked into the room?
No, they would wait until I left to talk shit. But I didn’t have to be present for that. And they’d been talking shit my whole life. Sitting in the breakfast nook now felt more familiar than I’d expected. It felt like home.
“This is kind of nice,” Adam said, echoing my thoughts. “I’m an only child and so are my parents. It can get boring at home around the holidays.” My ears perked up at that. Adam never talked about his parents. I wanted to ask him more, but Dani was already talking.
“Oh no, he’s going to want to stay forever,” She said. She’d been first in line for food and she passed Adam one of Mom’s rolls that she’d snagged for him.
He laughed and took a bite from the bread.
“It’s weird,” I said, moving on. “I’d built up coming home in my head for so long, that seeing it somewhat normal is... I just wasn’t expecting it.”
“Was he always this dramatic?” Adam asked Dani with a full mouth. Most of the time, I hated watching people eat. Somehow, Adam made even that look sexy. It wasn’t fair.
“What? My dearest brother?” Dani said, feigning shock. “He would never be dramatic about anything. Did he ever tell you about the time he got jealous our cousin Vickie got glasses, so he got himself sent to the nurse’s office for ‘headaches’ until he got some himself?”
“Hey, I actually needed them,” I said.
“Yeah, and getting out of a quiz you ‘couldn’t see’ wasn’t a bad deal either.”
“Sounds like Eli,” Adam said. He laughed, which made my face grow hot.
“Whatever it was a long time ago,” I muttered, folding my arms.
The crowd moved through the kitchen and soon enough we were left alone again. I was beginning to think that if the rest of the week could stay like this - with me being mostly ignored - then maybe I could visit more often.
The moment I thought this, I heard the conversation filter in from the other room.
“And they’re suing because the bakery won’t bake a cake for a gay wedding,” Sam’s voice rang loud and clear.
I cringed into my chair. Not this.
“Politics have officially joined us for dinner,” Dani muttered and reached for her wine bottle, draining the remnants into her glass before filling it again.
“They’ll get bored with this topic and move on,” I said.
“I still don’t shop at Target after they said men could go into the ladies’ room,” Katie’s voice followed.
“Yeah, you wouldn’t even let me buy something online from them!” One of her children whined.
“The money would still go to them,” Katie explained. “All these companies now have to have a political agenda.”
The taste of copper returned to my mouth, and my ears burned.
“You know there’s always my island idea,” Steve - Katie’s husband said. A few loud laughs followed.
“What’s his island idea?” Adam asked, sounding as if he were afraid of the answer.
“You want to take this one?” Dani’s voice was thick with wine. She looked like she was done with the whole night.
My mouth became dry. “Um, the ‘island idea’ he’s referring to is taking all the LGBT people and putting them on an island away from society.”
“That’s fucked up.”
“The idea is that we’d all die out after a generation because we can’t reproduce or whatever,” I reached for my forgotten-until-now glass of wine with a shaky hand.
“And they’re talking about that in front of you?”
“I’m not sure if they think I know about the island idea.” That was a lie, and it sounded lame in my own ears.
“That’s bullshit,” Dani said. “They certainly talked about it enough while we were growing up.”
“And in front of your parents,” Adam said, indignation rising in his voice.
I looked at him blankly as I tried not to get emotional about it. “Do you hear any objections from them?”
“But-”
“I doubt they think we can hear them anyway,” I didn’t know why I was defending them at this moment. They were acting exactly how I’d been worried they’d act. I guess I’d allowed myself to take their in-my-face niceness to heart despite myself.
“That almost makes it worse,” Adam said.
“-can’t believe the attacks on religious freedom in this country,” Sam’s angry voice was only getting louder and harder to ignore. “Cramming their damn agenda down our throat.”
“Maybe we should head upstairs,” Dani suggested. Her eyes held frustrated tears. I wasn’t sure if she was suggesting retreat for my and Adam’s sake, or her own. She had been known to get into it with family members. Something told me she was fighting that impulse now.
“That’d be for the best,” Adam said. We all got up, looking towards the entryway into the living room. We’d have to go through there. It was the only way to get to the stairs.
We steeled ourselves as if preparing for war.
The moment we set foot into the living room, I realized we’d made a grave mistake as forty sets of eyes turned to see us standing awkwardly in the doorway.
I cleared my throat. “Just going upstairs.” I pointed unnecessarily at them.
We didn’t even make it two steps before Sam was talking again. This time, he aimed his words at me.
“Hey Eli, I’m curious what’s your opinion on what’s going on with Masterpiece Cakeshops. You know the one the gay couple is suing.”
We’d been stupid to come in here.
Dani inhaled sharply through her teeth and my mouth went fully dry. I was shaking harder now, trying to reign in my frustration at the whole situation. I knew why he was putting me on the spot. Uncle Sam loved nothing more than telling people who thought differently than him how stupid he found them.
He was baiting me.
I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself. I wanted to say it wasn’t just about cake. In a country where healthcare is a commodity, the right to discriminate with any product gets people killed. I wanted to argue. I wanted so desperately to make this arrogant man feel small. The way he’d made me feel small my whole life.
But I didn’t. Because I knew there was no point. I wouldn’t win, not in his eyes or the eyes of the family that surrounded us. They would say I was being difficult, or rebellious. They wouldn’t hear take a word I said to heart.
“I don’t know. They probably have shitty cakes anyway,” I said with the fakest laugh I’ve ever forced out of my body.
Sam chuckled. “Right, why should they want the cake anyway if the cake owners don’t like people like them?”
I began moving once again toward the stairs.
“Are you serious right now?”
Fuck, I thought and froze again. Adam had been the one to speak.
“Excuse me?” Sam said.
“Eli’s supposed to be your family, but you have done nothing but trash people like him for the past fifteen minutes with us in the other room,” Adam sounded more serious now than I’d ever heard him before. Gone was his easy good humored and joking tone. This voice had a razor’s edge to it, ready to cut at anyone who challenged him.
“It’s fine,” I muttered, grabbing Adam’s arm. I ignored Aunt Tammy tensing from seeing the physical contact.
“No, they have stared at you like a zoo animal all night. You know what-”
Adam was suddenly very close to me. I’d barely have to move my head, and I’d be kissing him. Not that this was the time or place for such activities. The thought still crossed my mind.
But he was looking deeply into my eyes when he took my head in his hands. His gaze searched me and I could feel the question in it.
Can I kiss you?
I didn’t consciously decide, but I gave the tiniest, almost imperceptible nod of consent. Because in spite of everything going on around us, my world had become tiny - just the two of us - and the long dormant butterflies in my stomach had returned to fluttering in full force.
And then his lips were on mine - firm and strong, soft and perfect all at the same time. I lost myself in that moment as blood slammed through my veins. Sparks and fire and all the hot things erupted between us - following like tendrils the movements of his hands, enveloping our faces in an aura of heat and smoke and -
It took Dani’s sharp laughter for me to realize that the room had gone deathly silent. I broke away from the kiss, feeling my face grow red for the umpteenth time that night.
Everyone was staring at us with expressions ranging from shock, to hurt, to pure hatred. My mom looked like she was about to cry.
“I-” I stammered. There was a good explanation for this. There had to be.
But Adam was already pulling me away by the hand. We left the living room, stormed through the entryway, out of the house, down the porch, and to the car. It wasn’t until he opened the passenger side door that Adam let go of my hand.
I climbed in, my head still whirling at what had just happened. My mind still flooded with the images of everyone’s shocked faces and the knowledge that I would pay for that stunt later. But all this was drowned out by the intoxication of the memory of Adam’s lips on mine.
Adam got into the driver’s seat, calmly put the car in reverse, and pulled out of the driveway. He weaved in between the random cars from the family and finally set out down the dark dirt road.
We rode in silence except for random rocks hitting the bottom of my car. I was still in such a state of shock that it took until we were turning onto the paved county road to realize that Adam had put me in the passenger seat in my own car without question. He’d taken charge of the situation and gotten me out of there.
I smiled a bit at that.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“I don’t know, I hadn’t gotten that far,” Adam said. And then: “You want ice cream?”
“Adam, it’s like thirty degrees outside.”
He glanced over at me for a silent moment.
“Yeah, I’ll take some ice cream.”