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We sat outside the Dairy Queen in the car. What we’d originally planned to be just ice cream turned into us ordering way too much food after realizing we had eaten nothing other than some wine and bread at my parents.
Neon from the restaurant’s signs illuminated the inside of the car, giving us both eerie red glows. Outside, past where the parking lot ended, the darkness was thick, almost looking solid. It made it feel like we were an island unto ourselves. Inside the car, quiet hung between us as we ate, neither of us broaching the topic of that kiss even though the implications of it were heavy in the air.
I, for one, couldn’t stop thinking about it. How strong his hands had felt as they pulled me into him. The look in his eye right before he kissed me. The intention that had been there. The taste - fuck, the taste of him.
When we’d first met a few years back - when I was much dumber with who I caught feelings for - I’d often wondered what kissing Adam would be like. Now I’d done it, and every fantasy I’d had didn’t measure up. It wasn’t even close.
I just wanted to do it again. But it had been for show - something to piss off my family, hadn’t it? There wasn’t something more there... was there?
Stop it, I told myself. We’re not falling down this rabbit hole again.
And by sheer force of will, I tore my thoughts away from what had happened.
Once we’d finished eating, we sat in silence. Both of us were too nervous to approach the one thing we needed to talk about. We had time, though. It wasn’t as if we could head back to my parents until the final straggling family members had left the building. A brief flash of anxiety churned my stomach as I imagined what the conversations had been like after we’d fled the scene.
What had they said about me?
You don’t care. I thought firmly. And while that was mostly true, being back home was already doing a lot to make me forget how little the opinions of these people mattered to me. When they were right there, it was difficult to remember they had very little impact on my day-to-day life.
Adam sighed, deciding he’d be the first to speak, and turned to me. “Eli, I’m sorry.”
I blinked at him stupidly. “Sorry for what?”
“For everything,” he said. “For how I spoke to your family, but mostly for the... you know...”
He ran his hands through his hair and his knee was bouncing more so than usual. Was he nervous? Goddammit Adam acting sheepish was cute. There was a tugging deep in my gut, pulling me towards him, but I ignored it.
“The kiss?” I finished for him, the corners of my mouth tugged upwards despite everything.
“I didn’t mean to just spring it on you,” he said. “I got worked up, and it was either start a fight or kiss you.”
My face grew hot again. “Well, I’m glad you chose to kiss me.” Unsaid was the question I was screaming in my head of why that had been the only other option.
Adam must’ve sensed it though because he clarified. “I knew seeing us kiss would make them just as angry as I was in that moment. And I know it was stupid because I shouldn’t have been so angry but,” Adam finished with a shrug and looked down. “I’m sorry.”
I touched his face to get him to look up. “You are more than okay,” I said as I tried desperately to ignore how close our faces were. His eyes felt like they were drilling into my soul. For a moment I worried he could read my mind. Hopefully that wasn’t the case because I was thinking about doing very inappropriate things with him.
“Why do your parents let them talk about you like that?” Adam asked. He did this thing when he was concerned, his eyebrows raised and his bottom lip stuck out the slightest amount in a small pout. I wondered if he even realized he was doing it.
“I don’t know,” I let my hand drop and looked away. “It’s been so long that I don’t even question it. I guess they don’t want to start drama, so they stay quiet. Or maybe they think the same things so then why would they defend their degenerate son?”
My body tensed as Adam’s hand grabbed mine. “Eli,” he said so sadly that I had to look back at him. There was a genuine pain in his eyes that told me how fucked up it was that these things were my reality.
“It’s fine,” I said. “I’m not disowned and I wasn’t kicked out on the streets when I came out. They’re better than what I could’ve gotten with conservative parents.”
“You still deserve better.”
His words rang in my ears. I knew as much, which was why I didn’t want to go home in the first place. But I’d adopted my parents’ talent for avoiding conflict at all costs, and so I didn’t demand better from them, and I didn’t bother venting about it to any friends around me in Seattle. What was the point when the problems were eight hours away and so easily avoided?
It was comforting to hear someone tell me I didn’t deserve my treatment. Not the least because I’d had no one in my life I could confide in on this level. I’d always had Dani, but it was different to have someone looking in from the outside and still see the situation for what it was. Fucked.
“Anyway,” I said, looking down at our joined hands, which Adam let go once he realized what he was doing. There was no point in dancing around it anymore. “About that kiss.”
I winced internally, hoping to hell it sounded playful and not desperate.
“Yeah, not my most well thought out plan,” Adam said. “I kind of lost my head in the moment.”
“I’ll say,” I said. “Well, for what it’s worth, kissing you wasn’t so bad.”
Adam scrunched his nose. “Shut up, I know you loved it.”
I gaped at him.
“What? You were so horny for me when we first started working together,” Adam laughed.
“You thought everyone was horny for you back then,” I said, laughing as well now that the initial shock was over.
“It was usually true.”
“Nice humility,” I leaned my head against the window and let out a sigh. My breath painted the window with a fog that evaporated as soon as it had appeared. Now that the sexual tension had dissipated, my brain was beginning to focus on other, less pleasant, things. “God, I wish we could just go back to Seattle.”
“We could,” Adam said helpfully. “But all our stuff is at your parents.”
“Maybe I could have Dani run it out to us as we do a drive by,” I pondered.
The image of my sister chunking luggage through my open window as we zipped past my parents sprang into my mind, and I couldn’t help but smile at it.
“Something tells me that won’t work out,” Adam said, drumming his fingers on the center console.
“You’re right,” I said. “I’d feel too damn guilty if I left early. This is what I get for letting myself get talked into coming home. I knew it was a bad idea.”
“You did.”
“I told you how it was going to be.”
“I’d say it was more like whining. Hey!” Adam yelped as I swung at him without looking.
“Don’t be a baby, I didn’t even hit you.”
“So what do we do now?” Adam asked. “It’s only a quarter till nine and something tells me that your family is going to be there for a while.”
Well, I certainly had some ideas for how we could spend the time and they started with getting back to that kiss. But I wasn’t going to suggest that. Not with Adam. If that kiss had meant anything more, then he would’ve said as much by now.
So I decided to go with playing it cool and make a joke out of everything. I looked at him dead in the eye. “I’m not fucking you in the back of my car. It’s a lease.”
Adam threw back his head, laughing. “How about we find something to watch on Netflix?” He said, pulling out his phone and holding it between us. He pulled up the app and leaned in so our arms touched. I tried to not let that get to me, but it was still distracting.
“Netflix sounds nice.”
***
ONE MARVEL MOVIE LATER and we were pulling back up to my parents’ house, which was mercifully devoid of vehicles belonging to anyone other than its inhabitants. The lights were still on, however, squashing any hopes I’d had of saving the inevitable lecture from my parents for the morning.
We sat in the car for a breath and then decided to get what was coming over with.
The cold air bit at my exposed skin on the walk to the front door. Even though it was only a few steps, it felt like I was walking the length of a football field. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the single time I’d snuck out of my house as a teenager only to come home to the porch lights on. It had been like the eye of Sauron in the Lord of the Rings movies, threatening and judgemental. The same sense of dread I’d felt blooming in my stomach then was taking root now.
“We should’ve gotten a hotel,” the cold turned my words into clouds as I stood outside the door, savoring my last moments before going inside.
“Better now than putting it off.”
I grunted in response.
“Look on the bright side,” Adam said. “At least they can’t ground you.”
I gave a dry laugh. “Small miracles.” I turned the handle on the door and went inside.
Much like earlier, my parents were in the kitchen working. Unlike earlier, I could see from their posture and facial expressions that this would not be a pleasant exchange. I glanced at the stairs, debating on whether or not I should make a run for it.
“Eli, can you and Adam come in here for a second?” It was my dad. It also wasn’t a question. It was a command.
I glanced up at Adam, who gave me a reassuring nod and walked into the kitchen. Dani was still up. She sat at the island with a fresh bottle of wine next to her, though it didn’t look like she had done much damage to it.
“Sit down,” Mom gestured to the table the moment we entered.
A chill ran down my spine. She hadn’t had that tone with me since I’d accidentally totalled my car senior year. Adam and I obeyed. Sitting down across from my mother like we were school children in need of discipline. As soon as he was seated, Adam started bouncing his leg up and down. But to his credit, it was the only sign of his nerves.
“First of all, we want to say that we’d say this to Dani if she’d pulled the stunt you did,” Mom began.
Dani let out a sarcastic laugh, earning her a look from Dad. “Sorry,” she said. “Don’t mind me.”
“The point is,” Dad said. “That... kiss offended several family members.”
“Go figure,” I said. “That’s kind of an occupational hazard when you’re gay in a family of bigots.”
“Don’t start with the name calling,” Mom snapped. “What you did was uncalled for and unnecessary.”
“Quick question,” Dani said, raising her hand. Everyone looked at her. “Well, more of an observation. I’ve seen Stephen and Tiffany kiss more times than I can count and several other cousins with their significant others. I don’t think they got full on lectures after.”
“It’s different and you know it,” Mom said. “They were trying to cause a scene and Adam was pretty rude to everyone, regardless.”
“Not to mention,” Dad added. “You lied to us.”
“About what?” I asked, confused.
“You said you two weren’t dating,” he crossed his arms over his chest.
I gaped at them. Somehow in the chaos I’d forgotten my urgent assurances that we were just friends. And though I’d known how it would look now that we’d kissed in front of everyone, since I knew we weren’t together, it hadn’t even crossed my mind that my parents would be pissed I’d lied.
“Mom, Dad, I’m sorry but-”
“We didn’t tell you because Eli was worried about this exact reaction,” Adam said. “He didn’t want the lectures or the third degree, so I told him we’d just say we’re friends.”
Everyone looked like someone had slapped them in the face. I think with my parents in discipline mode, they’d forgotten they had someone there who wasn’t their child. Dani was laughing quietly to herself as she finished her glass. As for me, I was trying my best to keep my face neutral so that I didn’t betray how shell-shocked I was.
Adam took advantage of the silence to press further. “And he was right to worry. What happened in there tonight - the conversations and comments - well it shouldn’t have been me, the stranger who had to stand up and defend your son.”
His words were surgical in the way they disemboweled my parents and whatever argument they’d been about to make.
The looks on my parents’ faces were enough to make me want to kiss Adam all over again. My mother had angry tears in her eyes. My dad looked like a vessel was about to burst in his temple. They were being called out, probably for the first time - unless Dani had ever said anything - on something that had bothered me for years. Something I’d never had the guts to approach them with. And they didn’t enjoy hearing about it one bit.
“As fun as this is,” Dani drawled, breaking the awkward silence and sliding off her chair. “I think it’s time for bed.” She looked at me pointedly. I could tell that even though Adam’s words had been called for, we’d officially met the wall of progress for tonight.
“You’re right,” Mom agreed, thankful for something to break the tension.
“Perfect,” I got up from the table to head upstairs. It was ridiculous it had taken me all night to get to where I’d been trying to go this whole time. Adam followed behind me.
“Remember separate rooms!” Dad called the moment we were out of the kitchen.
I froze and balled my fists at my side. It infuriated me to no end for them to treat me like some hormone filled teenager. That they didn’t trust me not to defile their house or whatever the fuck.
Why did you come home? I asked myself for what felt like the millionth time today and then forced my limbs to keep moving.
I’d never rushed upstairs so fast in my life.
“Hey,” Adam grabbed my wrist once we were alone in the upstairs hallway. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said. My most common lie.
“I’m sorry for what I said in there,” Adam looked down at his feet. “I keep fucking up today.”
“What? You’re not,” I said. “You do not understand how long they’ve needed to hear that.”
“Still, it’s not my place.”
I was certain if anyone were to ask my parents’ opinions on the matter, they’d argue that it was no one’s place to correct them in how they handled my queerness. Not Adam. Not Dani. And certainly not me.
“Are you kidding? You’re my boyfriend apparently,” I gave him a wry smile.
“About that,” Adam cringed. “I didn’t mean for that to come out like that. I’m just,” he took a breath. “Not very good at watching the people I care about getting treated poorly.”
Warmth swelled in my chest as he mentioned caring about me. I pushed the feeling down.
“Stop apologizing,” I told him.
“We can go down and take it back,” Adam offered. “Explain the whole thing.”
“No,” I said, knowing damn well there was no turning back no matter what we did. “They won’t believe us, anyway. As long as you’re okay with everyone thinking we’re together...” I shrugged.
“It’s your family,” Adam said with a short laugh. “I’m okay with whatever they think as long as you don’t think I’d be an embarrassing boyfriend.”
My stomach twisted into a weird knot at the word “boyfriend.” God, what was happening to me? It was like I was in college all over again, falling for the straight boy.
“No, I don’t think you’re embarrassing at all,” I mumbled.
“So,” Adam held out his hand. “Boyfriends?”
I hesitated before taking his hand. Being boyfriends with my coworker and friend felt like a bad idea, even if it was all pretend. Not to mention it violated like ten of my personal rules.
But it’s as they say: When the going gets tough, the tough say “fuck it.”
So fuck it.
I shook his hand. “I guess we’re boyfriends.”