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True to her word, Dani woke me up to run bright and early the next day. I’d slept like shit, tossing and turning all night. Both my demeanor and my performance on the run proved it.
“What’s eating you?” Dani asked when I finally caught up to her at our stopping point.
“Just tired,” I said.
“And the argument you had with Mom last night has nothing to do with it,” Dani said.
I frowned. “You heard that, huh?”
“I’m pretty sure half the county heard it,” Dani gave my shoulder a pat. “You okay?”
I shrugged away from her. “Same shit, different year.” We headed back towards the house, frozen grass crunched under our feet. “I’d thought they’d be over it by now, but they still haven’t gotten it through their heads I’m gay and I’m never going to be what they want.”
“To be fair, it’s kind of hard to come around to an idea if you always pretend it doesn’t exist,” Dani said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Hey don’t get defensive, I’m just saying that this is the first time in seven years that you’ve willingly addressed your sexuality.”
“And your point?”
“You know how they redid Teen Titans?” Dani said.
“That came out of nowhere.”
“No, I’m trying to make a point,” Dani pinched the bridge of her nose. “What was your biggest complaint when it was released?”
“That it had crappy animation?” I still had no clue where she was going with this.
“Exactly. So you grew up with the original, probably still watch a few episodes of it here and there.”
I thought back to my beloved box set sitting on a shelf in my living room back in Seattle. “Okay, sure let’s say that.”
“Like you’re aware of the difference in animation style between the two shows in a cognitive sense, but I’m certain it’s still a shock when you see a clip the new show. Because even if you’re aware of it, you aren’t forced to look at it.”
“You lost me.”
Dani sighed. “They know you’re gay because you’ve told them, but this the first time you’ve ever shown them, you know?”
“I guess,” I grumbled.
“Don’t get me wrong, I think they need to get over themselves and handle it better,” Dani said. “But if you want to have them in your life, you’ll have to be okay with being patient. It’s going to be a learning curve.”
My frown deepened. I understood what she was saying. It didn’t mean I liked it.
I’d had years of gayly leading my life, adjusting to how much I was comfortable showing to the public. There had been a steep learning curve for me while I figured out what my sexuality meant in my own life. I couldn’t expect my parents to catch up overnight. Still, like Dani had said, there were better ways of handling it.
But I had a choice. I could meet them where they were and help them get closer to me. Or I could cut them out and spare myself the headache. So far, I’d gone years without doing either, and that was part of my current problem. I needed to make a choice because my parents would not make it for me.
We went inside. The house was still quiet, so I went to the kitchen to ready the morning coffee and Dani went upstairs to wash off the run. I leaned against the counter, scrolling peacefully on my phone. Or as peaceful as I could with my mind wandering to last night’s conversation every two seconds.
I heard the shuffled sounds of someone walking down the stairs and I looked up just in time to see Adam entering the kitchen, bleary-eyed and with tousled hair.
He looked like a dream.
Adam smiled when he saw me and wandered over to the cabinet where we kept the mugs. He came to a stop next to me, leaning against the counter as we waited for the coffee to finish brewing.
“How are you?” He asked, the concern in his voice told me he hadn’t forgotten my spat with my mom.
“Better now,” I said. “Dani and I talked.” And now you’re here with me.
I gazed into his deep brown eyes, struck by how they seemed to go on forever. This was the first time I noticed how long his eyelashes were, making his eyes seem even larger. Like they held a universe within them. If I looked hard enough, I could see stars and worlds and constellations there. Entire lifetimes were held in his eyes. I could’ve stared into that universe forever.
The urge to reach out and kiss him rose in my chest, but I fought it.
Good thing too, because not two seconds later I heard my parents’ footsteps approaching.
I looked up as they entered the room, both wore equally stern expressions that told me they weren’t particularly thrilled with something.
“Is everything okay?” I asked, knowing deep down that the answer was a resounding “no” and that it had everything to do with my argument with my mom.
“Everything is fine,” Dad said, pouring himself an enormous cup of coffee. He took a sip, black, before continuing. “Would you like to go pick up the Christmas tree with me, Eli?”
“Uh, yeah,” I looked at Adam. “Would you-”
“I think it’s best if Adam stays here with me and Dani today,” Mom chimed in. “We have a lot of work that needs done around the house.”
“Er- okay,” I said. I wasn’t sure what they were planning, but it was clear they didn’t want me spending time with Adam today.
Adam squeezed my shoulder, and I realized how tense I’d become. “That sounds great,” Adam said. “I’m happy to help in any way I can.”
My parents seemed taken aback for a second, but then my mom gave a somewhat nervous smile. “Perfect, I have a long list.”
***
WHEN I WAS YOUNG, MY dad decided that we should always have a freshly cut Christmas tree. But back then we’d been on the poorer side and my parents didn’t enjoy cleaning up pine needles, so that inevitably led to us picking out the tree the week before or of Christmas itself. This served the triple purpose of getting a tree on sale, having as little mess to clean up before the day as possible, and we could get all of our “cute family moments” in while Dad was off from work.
My parents were nothing if not practical.
And that practicality was precisely what led them to finding the best bargain for trees in the region - even if it was a couple of hours out. I think they chose it not only for the price (half of what you could find anywhere else) but also it gave time for some “family bonding” as they liked to call it.
Today it was called something more like “get Eli away from his boyfriend so they don’t fornicate in our home” or whatever. And it turned out a two-hour drive each way was an ideal way for my parents to achieve that.
The first half an hour or so my dad and I made small talk about my work, his work, a t.v. show he’d watched last week. But we soon ran out of topics for us to talk about, which is generally what happened with my dad when discussing politics is off the table.
And there’s no way I was going to discuss the conservative hot takes of the day. I didn’t have the energy to defend my humanity.
We went the rest of the way with the radio filling the silence between us. It wasn’t uncomfortable, per se, but I found myself daydreaming of being at home helping Adam and Dani with whatever it was Mom was having them do.
When we finally got to the tree farm, it was a simple matter of paying the man for our usual tree that he held onto for us. They both tied it down to the top of our car and then we were heading back home.
About halfway home, Dad cleared his throat uncomfortably.
“Your mom and I talked last night,” he said.
Here we go. I thought to myself.
“About?”
“About your behavior this past week, and Adam’s influence on you,” Dad said. “We’re concerned, that’s all.”
“What influence do you think Adam has on me?” I asked, my ears were already burning from frustration.
“You used to never talk back to us,” Dad said. “You need to remember we’re still your parents no matter how old you get.”
“Dad, did it ever occur to you guys that ‘talking back’ and defending myself are two completely different things?”
My dad was quiet.
“And I don’t feel bad for anything he’s said to you either,” I paused. “I just wish I’d had the balls to say it to you.”
“So that’s how you feel,” Dad said flatly.
“Why do you think I don’t come around?” The bitter words escaped my lips before I could stop them. I winced at the sharp intake of breath from my dad. But I continued. “I know you guys think you’re trying, but I need you to try harder. I need you to realize who I am isn’t the evil the church has led you to believe it is. And I need you to show me you love me more than some stupid organization.”
There was a long moment of quiet. I thought for a second that he was about to say something profound, that he would ask for my forgiveness for his mistakes. Or that he would pull over and pull me into his arms and hug me and tell me he’d always love me, his son.
I was stupid to think he’d do any of those things.
When his words finally came, they only hurt from how disappointing they were.
“Okay,” was all he said.
Even though it was only one word, it held more meaning than I would’ve ever thought. I’d made my choice. I was telling him he needed to catch up to me, and he was telling me he understood, and likely couldn’t.
We went the rest of the trip home in silence.
***
THE REST OF THE DAY passed in a blur of chores and Mom separating Adam and me and more chores. We set up the Christmas tree, cleaned every surface in the house, and put up the Christmas decorations.
By the end of the day, my body ached, and I wanted nothing more than a long hot bath. But the fun wasn’t over because Grandma came over for dinner, which passed in a quiet awkwardness as Dad and I pretending that our conversation in the car hadn’t happened; Mom and I pretended that our argument hadn’t happened; and Grandma pretended that Adam and I weren’t dating.
The highlight of the evening came when she asked if I had a girlfriend. I stared at her blankly because I knew damn well she’d seen Adam and I kiss the other night.
But I wasn’t about to fight my grandma. I wouldn’t steep that low.
“No,” I said somewhat dejectedly. “Just focusing on work right now.”
“Well, don’t wait too long, or you’ll be too old to enjoy your grandkids.”
Having kids in general sounded awful right now, let alone having them long enough for them to have kids.
“Don’t worry, Grandma,” I said, glancing at Adam. “I won’t.”
When that was finally over, I retreated to my treehouse again, sitting in the moody atmosphere of the Christmas Lights. It was colder tonight than it had been Sunday and I shivered into my jacket, wishing that either Adam or the whisky he’d brought with him last time was here to warm me up. I’d be lying if I claimed I didn’t have a preference on which one showed up.
As if I’d summoned him myself, the door hatch swung up and open and Adam’s head appeared.
“Figured, you’d be up here,” he said, fully climbing into the treehouse.
“Guess I’m not that mysterious,” I gave him a half-hearted smile.
“Everything okay?” Adam asked, settling down next to me. Goosebumps rose on my skin where his body touched mine. A shiver ran down my spine that had nothing to do with the cold.
“It’s just been a long day,” I said.
“Your parents sure kept us busy.”
“It’s almost as if they were trying to keep us apart,” I said wryly.
Adam laughed, and our eyes met. “Now why would they want to do that,” he said so low it was practically a whisper.
“No idea,” I said. The air between us was warm from our breath. Adam licked his lips, a nervous habit of his I’d often seen when he had to lead team meetings. What was Adam nervous about?
“You know last night, before my mom went crazy on me,” I began. “I almost felt like you were going to do something.”
Adam smirked. “Like what?”
“I don’t know,” my face inched closer to his. “Maybe I thought you were going to kiss me again.”
“And why’s that?” His face was getting closer to me as well.
“You said you liked me.”
“Did I? Must’ve been a lapse in judgement.”
I hesitated. “You mean you don’t?”
Adam laughed through his nose and shook his head. “No, I do. I’m just not used to telling the person I like that I have a crush on them. I’m not usually one to give up the power in a relationship.”
My chest felt like it was about to burst. Crush? Relationship? These were words that I’d never had expected Adam to use regarding me in a million years.
“How long have you felt this way?” I asked. “How long have you had a crush on me?”
“Since I met you,” Adam said.
It seemed so preposterous at first that I had to laugh. When Adam didn’t join in and kept wearing an expression of earnestness, I stopped.
“But you’ve dated so many girls since we’ve met.”
“I’ve only dated like three people in five years,” Adam said, sounding like I’d hit a nerve. “Only Sabrina was anything serious and even when I was with her I was drawn to you.”
I blinked at him. “What?”
“I’ve had a crush on you for years, Eli,” Adam said again. “I’ve been okay with just being friends, but if we keep going down this path we’ve been on,” he bit his lip, “I don’t know if I can just stay-”
“Shut up, you idiot,” I said in a rush. I grabbed his face. “Shut up and kiss me.”
And I brought his lips to meet mine.
With every kiss we’d had until that point, Adam had been the one to make the first move and I’d always been the one hesitating, hoping that I wasn’t fucking everything up. But now, with Adam baring his soul to me on the floor of my old treehouse, I had to be the one to take charge. He’d said he had a crush on me. Me. This was the man who’d seen me in every state of mind and appearance over the past five years, and he still saw something in me worthy of having a crush on.
I deepened the kiss, my tongue tracing his bottom lip. Adam always tasted like a hint of cinnamon somehow. I hadn’t been able to place the taste before with everything else that had always been going on, but now in our private corner of the universe, I could make it out.
Adam grabbed me around my waist and hoisted me over so I was straddling him. I went for his jacket, unzipping it with ease. Part of my brain warned that we should probably slow down before we crossed a line that we couldn’t uncross, but I silenced that part of me.
We’d had feelings for each other for years. If we weren’t going to do this now, then when? We’d spent the past several days tiptoeing around each other’s comfort zones, unsure of what was okay. The time for second guessing was behind us.
I pulled off Adam’s jacket and mine soon followed, piling up together on the floor. My hands found their way under his shirt, my fingers traced the lines of muscles I’d only been able to see glimpses of in the past. Now they were mine to claim.
Adam unbuttoned my flannel shirt, and my skin prickled from both his touch and the chill of the air. His hands wrapped around my back and he kissed the skin on my chest. I let out a contented sigh and leaned my head back as his mouth traveled across to find my nipple. He toyed at it with his tongue and it felt so good I had to stop him.
I brought his mouth back to mine briefly before pushing him back into the wall and lifting his sweater over his head. The Christmas lights reflected off the skin of his bare chest as it heaved with heavy breaths. My eyes hungrily took in his body, from his muscular arms to the lines of his chest and abs. I’d seen him shirtless many times and naked only a couple of days ago, but before I’d been too preoccupied with forcing myself to not check him out.
Now I could look at him all I wanted - and touch him all I wanted. My hands ran up his arms, tracing that muscle on the side, up to his broad shoulders, and along his collarbone. I brought myself down to kiss him again on the lips before my own mouth wandered.
My lips followed his jaw to his earlobe. I nibbled on it playfully, relishing in the sharp intake of breath from Adam. My mouth found his neck, then his chest, and then I came face to face with his belt buckle and pants that were straining against what was underneath.
I looked up at Adam’s face for one last check of consent before I undid the buckle. His button flew open and with fumbling hands, I undid his zipper. Like opening a present on Christmas morning, I pulled down Adam’s pants and his dick sprang out, making a light smacking sound on his stomach.
I gulped as I took it in. I’d seen it the other day, of course, but seeing it up close was a lot more intimidating than I’d been expecting.
“Everything okay?” Adam asked.
My answer was to pick it up in my hand. I could easily wrap both my hands around it and there’d still be some left visible. And then I wrapped my mouth around it, sliding over the hard flesh until he hit the back of my throat.
Adam let out a soft groan as my mouth took him in. I traced the lines of the head of his dick and followed it down with the motion of my head before bringing my hand in to help.
He stopped me after a couple of seconds of this. His eyes were dark with desire. “I won’t be able to last much longer if you keep that up.”
It was my turn to smirk at Adam. “Is that a challenge?” I asked and kissed the head of his cock. It throbbed in my hand as a response.
“I- no, I just thought you should - ah,” He sighed as I went back to work.
Up and down, I played with his dick and true to his word; he didn’t last much longer. In a few moments, he grabbed my shoulder, presumably to let me know what was about to happen. But I didn’t stop, I ran one hand up his abs and to his chest and I kept sucking on him until I tasted the explosion in my mouth.
His body shuddered beneath my hand and his pelvis levitated and Adam came in my mouth. Still, I didn’t stop until I swallowed everything, and finally I let go of him.
When I looked up at Adam, he was staring at me with newfound wonder. Like I’d just unlocked something in him.
And then his hand wrapped around my waist, pulling me close. Holding me tight to his body, he picked me up, his mouth hot and heavy on mine as he laid my back on the ground. His hands were at my belt and the next second my pants were coming off. My dick sprang free from my pants.
My pants followed my jacket into the corner of the treehouse, and my flannel shirt quickly joined it. I lay there as he took me in. Shivering in the cold air, a sudden wave of self consciousness washed over me. This was the first time he’d seen me naked. What if he decided he didn’t like what he saw?
“You’re perfect,” he said in a rush before his lips were on mine again. It was as if he’d read my mind and was squashing the fear before I could let it eat at me.
He kissed me along my jawline, lips finding the spot where my jaw met my neck. Then his mouth was on my ear and he bit it gently. Fire shot down my spine, radiating from my earlobe. I let out an involuntary groan and my hips thrust forward, pressing into his abdomen.
Adam reached a hand down, wrapping it around my throbbing dick. Looking directly into my eye - past my eyes, like he was looking into my soul - he began stroking me.
I heaved my body, feeling the orgasm rising up in me. It didn’t take long. Seconds later, I was spilling out onto my stomach. Thick white liquid shot far enough to hit my bare chest. I didn’t register it though; the orgasm was ripping its way though my body - disassembling me and putting me back together. My toes curled, and I groaned loud enough that I was distantly worried someone would hear me.
When the climax died down, I sat there for a moment, taking in what had just happened.
The most powerful orgasm of my life, from Adam, my friend. No, not anymore; Adam, my boyfriend.
Adam, my lover.
“That was-” he said, then shook his head, at a loss for words.
“I know,” I grinned and then I kissed him again.
We pulled ourselves back together; I cleaned myself off with a handkerchief that Adam had in his jacket pocket, and he pulled me into his arms. We leaned against the wall of the treehouse with his head resting on mine. My heart swelled with joy. Not even the events of the past two days could ruin this moment.
I’m not sure when it happened. I’d meant to go back inside, especially since it was cold out. But somewhere in between blinks, I fell asleep in the arms of a man who I was falling for faster than I’d thought possible.