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“Someone looks like he’s in a good mood,” Dani said when I came downstairs from my shower the next morning. She was alone in the kitchen, perched on a stool. She held a vat of coffee in one hand and her phone in the other.
“I didn’t realize being happy was a crime,” I made a beeline for the fridge, opening it to look for breakfast.
Dani set down her phone. “It’s not, but someone was missing from their room this morning,” she wiggled an eyebrow suggestively. “Where ever could you have been?”
Dammit. I’d forgotten about our morning runs. Somehow cuddling with Adam under our jackets had led to the most peaceful night’s sleep I’d had since being back home. Of course I’d overslept and hadn’t been there when Dani came looking for me.
“Aw, you’re glowing,” Dani teased.
“Shut up,” I muttered and grabbed the bag of bagels from the fridge. Walking over to the island, I cut one in half and put it in the toaster. “You can’t say anything to Mom or Dad.”
Dani snorted. “What is this high school?” She asked. “I’m not about to gossip about you.” She took a big gulp of her coffee. “So are you guys not-so-fake boyfriends now?”
“I-” I hesitated. Last night I’d been convinced that we were, but now in the harsh light of day I wasn’t so sure. Maybe it’d just be a bit of fun for Adam. I knew he liked me, but that didn’t mean he was ready to commit to anything. What if he didn’t want to be boyfriends for real.
I wished she hadn’t asked the damn question.
Great, now that’s going to bother me all day, I thought. As if it already wasn’t.
“I don’t know,” I said truthfully. The bagel popped out of the toaster. “He likes me.”
“He said that?”
I nodded.
“You’re in trouble now,” Dani laughed. “So what happened last night?”
“Gross, I’m not discussing this with you,” I took a bite out of the bagel. “I don’t kiss and tell.”
“Oh! So there was kissing involved.” Dani looked like she was having too much fun for my taste. I opened my mouth to retort, but stopped at the sound of someone approaching.
It was just Adam. Well, not just Adam. Adam looked perfect as usual, wearing a comfy sweater that looked as though the designer had hand crafted it just for his body. It clung to his chest. The same place I’d used as a pillow most of the night. Adam’s hair was wet from the shower and his face was still flushed from its heat.
I wanted nothing more than to go over and wrap myself around him again. Falling asleep with him had felt like a heaven I’d never been creative enough to conjure up in my mind. I wished we were back home in Seattle with a sudden verocity that startled me. The last thing I wanted to do was to be in decent company. Especially after last night.
Dani beamed at him. “Good morning, I hear congratulations are in order.”
“Dani-” I began.
“Congratulations for what?” Mom said, entering the room.
Dani, Adam, and I froze for a second. She’d either forgotten that my parents could walk in on us at any second. Or else forgotten that they could still hear us from the other room.
Dani was the first to recover. “Adam got a promotion,” she pulled from her ass.
“That’s awesome!” Mom said. Something in her eyes told me she didn’t believe Dani. But my mom was never one to demand information that we didn’t want to share, and she didn’t want to hear, so she let it be.
Moving on, she said; “Aunt Katie and her girls are going to be over around noon today. They have to put the finishing touches on their float costumes so I said I’d help them.”
I wasn’t sure if she was telling us this to give us a heads up, or to warn us about our behavior. Knowing her, a bit of both.
“Float?” Adam said, stealing half of my bagel before I could stop him.
“Every year the churches in town do a Christmas parade,” I explained.
“Except it’s just a bunch of tractors and hay bales all doing nativities,” Dani added.
“It’s sweet,” Mom said. “And we’re all going tomorrow.”
“I think I’ve seen enough sad nativities,” I said.
“I’d like to go,” Adam said quietly.
I gave him a curious look, which he returned with an innocent one of his own. “It could be fun,” he said with a shrug that melted my heart.
That was enough to take all the fight out of me.
“Fine,” I said. “Super cute nativity is a go.”
Adam and Mom looked satisfied meanwhile Dani looked as though she wanted to gag.
“Love that for me,” she muttered. “I’m going to go watch t.v.”
***
ADAM AND I WERE PRETTY much inseparable that day. It helped that Dad had been called into work on some last-minute project. Meanwhile, Mom set about to make sure our house looked as unlived in as possible. Of course, Mom recruited Adam and me to help with chores, but she didn’t seem to have the energy to keep us separate while doing them.
We stole kisses over the next few hours. We did it while taking out the trash. While walking the dog. While cleaning the kitchen. All the while I wanted to ask him about our status. Were we dating or just fooling around? Did it matter?
I ignored the question burning in the back of my mind as we did chores, just enjoying right now for what it was.
Until we got into the bathroom.
I was spraying down the shower with chemicals when Adam walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. His fingertips slid underneath my waistband just enough to let me know they were there.
He kissed me where my jaw met my neck. His lips brushing over my skin, raising a trail of goosebumps in their wake.
“Last night was fun,” he whispered in my ear. My body was alive with electricity.
I gulped. “Glad you enjoyed it,” I said, sounding stupid.
“I did,” his breath was hot and heavy in my ear. “We should do it again sometime.”
“We should keep working,” I said. The last thing I needed was for us to get caught making out - or worse - in the bathroom.
He sighed, the sort of sigh that told me he knew I was right - disappointed but relenting. He leaned against the counter and I scrubbed the bathtub. I glanced back at him, smiling at the way he was watching me. Like I was his favorite thing in the world.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Nothing,” Adam said. He then made himself useful and began scrubbing the sink. “I’m just glad I came with you.”
“Was it worth dealing with my terrible family?”
“Last night was worth a thousand evenings with your family,” Adam said, not looking up from what he was doing.
My heart felt like a hummingbird having a seizure had replaced it, fluttering like crazy in my chest. The way he’d said it was so sincere that it had taken me off guard.
“It’s a good thing that your family had a cruise this year,” I said, trying to play it cool. “Otherwise things might’ve never changed between us.”
“Yeah,” Adam mumbled. The way he said it sounded odd coming from him and when I looked back at him he was staring at the sink. He was scrubbing with a gaze that was a million miles away.
“Why do you say that like that?” I asked.
Adam shot me a nervous grin. “My family didn’t go on a cruise.”
“Okay,” I blinked at him, confused. “Why would you lie about that?”
“Because I knew if you’d thought I was giving up something, you’d never let me come with you.”
I paused. My initial instinct was to argue that he was wrong, but then the more I thought about it, the more I knew he was right. If there was even a slight possibility he’d have a better time with his parents over Christmas, I would’ve forced him not to come so I could spare him the humiliation that came with my family.
“So you wanted to come because...”
“Because I had feelings for you and wanted to spend time with you,” Adam’s usual composure was nowhere to be seen as he busily rinsed out the sink. I could see the blood rushing to his face. “And I knew that any time we got to spend together outside of work would be worth whatever fate awaited us here.”
“You planned this!” I said, laughing when Adam tried to stammer his protestation. “No, I’m kidding. I’m happy it happened, however it happened.”
Adam relaxed. “Me too.”
“What does this mean when we get home?” I wondered aloud. Finally voicing the nagging question from this morning.
He shot me a quizzical look. “Eli, we’re dating now. For real.”
I’d be lying if I said that didn’t make my heart skip a beat. God, I’d become such a sap in so short a time.
“Oh,” I said in a small voice. “Good.”
***
WE FINISHED UP THE chores right as Aunt Katie and her family showed up. Other than a few curious stares at us, her three girls didn’t say much at all. Except the youngest, Emma. She was the one I used to watch her when she was tiny, and I hadn’t thought she’d remembered me until she ran up and threw her arms around me in a hug.
“I missed you, Eli,” she said, burrying her face in my sweater.
“I missed you too,” I stammered and returned the hug. What was wrong with me? Was I so on edge that I expected the worst from even the children?
Aunt Katie gave us all awkward one armed hugs and then they all filed upstairs where my mom had set up a workstation for them to finish the costumes. Dani, Adam, and I set up camp in the living room with a bowl of popcorn and a movie. Adam and I were sitting a little closer than necessary and Dani didn’t miss it. Though she gave me a raised eyebrow, she didn’t say a word to me.
I wasn’t sure I was ready to admit that our fake dating had evolved into real dating because part of me was still scared that whatever we had would evaporate. I hadn’t pressed the issue before in the bathroom, but I was worried that things would go back to how they had been the moment we were back to Seattle. It was all still so new, and I didn’t trust it.
This was the most serious thing I’d ever had in with anyone. And until today, we hadn’t even confirmed any of it to be real. No matter the flirtations going on. I hadn’t realized how vulnerable that would make me feel.
The popcorn didn’t last long. We were barely through the opening credits when my hand scraped the bottom of the bowel.
“Told you you should’ve made more than one bag,” Dani teased.
I stuck my tongue out at her, a very mature response, and snatched the bowl from Adam’s grasp. “I’ll be right back.”
Taking the box of popcorn from the island in the kitchen, I popped it in the microwave. I set the timer for the popcorn and leaned against the counter to wait. I was scrolling through my phone when I saw someone enter the room out of the corner of my eye.
Tension filled my shoulders as I looked up to see Aunt Katie standing near the kitchen island. She looked hesitant in a way she never did. Aunt Katie was the one aunt that always blurted her opinion with no shame.
I knew before she even opened her mouth that she wanted to talk to me. I also was hyper aware of the fact that I would not like whatever she had to say.
She took a heavy breath. “Eli,” she began. Her tone was strategically pained. Like she was just so unmeasurably sad that she had to have this conversation with me. It was her defense, her way of saying “look what you made me do.”
It was a tone I was well familiar with and one that never left me with any good feelings about the conversation.
“Yes, Aunt Katie,” I said, careful to keep my own tone even.
“It really is so nice that you’ve come back this year.”
Yeah, I’m sure it is. I thought.
“I know it means a lot to your mom that you’re here,” Katie continued. “She always gets so sad around the holidays.”
“Seasonal depression can be a real bummer,” I said. This popcorn was taking way too damn long.
“It’s just, this is supposed to be family time, if you know what I mean,” she said.
Okay, I’d take the bait. “No, I don’t think I know what you mean,” I said with an even gaze. “Care to elaborate?”
“You’ve just been so focused on your friend that you haven’t spent any time with anyone else.”
“I think you’re confused with the cause,” I said as the microwave beeped at me. “Trust me, he’s not what’s keeping me from talking to any of you.”
I poured the popcorn into the bowl and went to walk past her.
I didn’t get far.
“You know I’ll never forget the night you made that awful post on Facebook. When you announced to the world you’d decided you were gay.”
Her words froze me in place. I couldn’t move. My feet were glued to the floor, listening in spite of myself.
“Your mom called me crying her eyes out. ‘How could she not see the signs?’ ‘What does this mean?’”
“What’s your point?” I asked, venom leaching into my voice. None of this was exactly news to me. Dani had told me as much when Mom was refusing to talk to me so she could “collect her thoughts.”
It had been a rough first three months of coming out.
“I don’t think you’ll ever realize how much you hurt your mother,” Katie said. “Or how much you continue to hurt her over and over again. And for what? You don’t have to prance around here shoving their noses in your gayness. You could spare them some pain by just not doing that.”
“I don’t prance around anywhere,” I said vehemently. It was all I could think to say. It was the only thing she’d said that she wasn’t half right about. She was reminding me too much of the conversations I’d had with my parents over the past couple of days.
“Frankly, Eli, you’re being selfish. You’ve been selfish this whole time. Your parents opened their home and hearts to you, and all you’ve done since you’ve been home is throw that back in their faces. You can be whoever you want, but you don’t have to rub our noses in it.”
Her words cut deep and in their wake they left feelings of hurt, frustration, and shame. Not in the least because I could hear my Mom and Dad’s words echoed in her own. They all thought I was being so disrespectful when all I was doing was asking for the same treatment as anyone else.
But while I’d help back with my parents out of my love for them, I didn’t hold Katie in the same regard. I bit my cheek before responding as lethally as I could.
“Yes, I should be grateful they haven’t disowned me. But all this about throwing that in their faces is a joke. It was a joke when they said it and it’s especially rediculous coming from the mother of Stephen. I’ve seen him stick his hands down multiple girlfriends’ pants at various family gatherings. All I want is for people to respect me for who I am. Not whatever watered-down version you find palatable. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a goddamn movie to finish.”
I left my aunt gaping there in the kitchen, somewhat proud that I’d been able to spit that out at her without fumbling my words once. Everything I’d said was true, and she deserved to hear it. But I knew she was already running to my Mom to tell her and that I’d have to face that sooner or later.
I entered the living room and joined Adam on the couch.
“Is everything alright?” He asked as he grabbed a handful of popcorn. “I heard some intense voices in there.”
“Yeah,” I lied. Because Aunt Katie had struck a nerve and reconfirmed that how I was being viewed by not only my extended family, but by my parents as well - selfish. They saw me as selfish for daring to kiss a man. To even bring a man home. They took it as me taunting them, not standing up to them.
I didn’t care if they thought I was being disrespectful, but it did bother me to think they saw my actions as a sign of selfishness or weakness. Because, for better or worse, I still very much valued my image in front of my family. I didn’t like them thinking I was lesser than I was or that I couldn’t handle situations.
Mom, Dad, now Katie. They’d all echoed the same things. All saying I was rubbing their noses in my gayness. And in their eyes, I wasn’t someone standing up for themselves. I was a brat throwing a fit and misbehaving.
It was so fucking annoying.