| |
The next day was a blur. Dani and I didn’t go for our usual run as the snow and ice still presented too much danger for us to attempt one. There was no use in trying to run if we’d just end up with a sprained ankle.
Mom was on a warpath. Even though we’d cleaned the house several times throughout our stay, there was no such thing as too clean, so we were back at it, scrubbing the house from top to bottom. It wasn’t until I sat down to eat a quick bite at lunch that I realized it was Christmas Eve.
The realization hit somewhat numbly, and I didn’t have enough time to process it because as soon as I’d finished my food, Dad was having Adam and I help him set up the tables for dinner.
My family got together twice for big celebrations over the week of Christmas - an enormous feast on Christmas Eve, followed by a more tame lunch on Christmas Day. It had been a fun tradition when I was younger beyond the fact that my parents always held it at their house and so they forced us to prepare. Every year they did this, and I remembered asking every year as a child why did they do this. It clearly stressed them out, and I couldn’t tell if they received any enjoyment from putting on this performance for the family.
I’d never gotten an answer from them back then, and I knew now that it didn’t matter if it made Christmas the most miserable time of year for themselves, they would continue to do it year after year because it was expected of them at this point.
We took the six long tables from the garage and laid them out, decorating them with tablecloths, centerpieces, and the nice plasticware that was saved only for the special family gatherings. The last part was the more annoying part to me. It didn’t matter if the utensils were designed to look fancy. They were still hunks of plastic. Why couldn’t we just leave them in a box next to the food?
By the time we’d finished cleaning and setting up, there were only a few minutes before the family started showing up. Dani, Adam, and I went upstairs to get ready for the occasion. I didn’t take long getting dressed, just threw on a nicer sweater and put on some shoes. I was looking in the mirror, trying to fix my hair and ignore the nerves that were building when Adam entered the room.
He was wearing a tight, emerald green sweater with the sleeves pushed up to show his forearms, deep brown pants and black shoes. He looked like a model stepping out of a magazine cover.
“Now I feel underdressed,” I said, feeling my face grow hot. My gaze lingered a little too long on his crotch. That time in the treehouse seemed so long ago now. Too long ago. God, I couldn’t wait to get him back to Seattle where we’d be free to fuck however much we wanted without having to worry about my damn family.
He grabbed my chin and pointed my face up at him. “You look perfect.” He said, his eyes glistening. Our lips touched for the briefest of moments before parting - we were still trying to be good even if there was little chance that anyone would see our affection.
“Only today and tomorrow,” I reminded him. “Then I have you all to myself.”
He gave me his classic smirk and his eyes sparked, telling me exactly where his mind was going. “I can’t wait. We might have to take an extra week when we get back.”
Heat rose to my face and my neck flushed. “Careful, you’re making it hard to be good.”
“Yes, I’d hate to make things hard.”
“On that note,” I said, forcing my thoughts out of the gutter with a herculean effort. “Let’s go do something fun and hang out with my super conservative family.”
Adam laughed at that, and we walked downstairs and into the proverbial lion’s den. Several families had already arrived. They were spread throughout the house, chatting loudly. I gave courteous nods and “hellos” to the family members that engaged with me, and ignored the ones who didn’t. We made a beeline to the kitchen where I knew Dani would be.
She was just as I expected to find her, in the kitchen nook cradling a bottle of wine and ignoring the looks of judgement from the family that flitted in and out of the room.
“You look like you’re in a good mood,” I said.
“Just wait for it,” Dani said. “Everyone is on an especially high horse this evening.”
As if to prove Dani right, my cousin Jordan chose that moment to walk into the kitchen and look Adam and I up and down. Judgement was thick in her gaze and a twist in my gut told me she was about to piss me off.
Jesus, the night hasn’t even begun yet.
She closed the distance between us with a nervous smile. She held out her hand, and it took me a moment to register she was trying to hand me something. I stared at the folded piece of paper.
“What is this?” I asked. I grabbed the paper without thinking about it.
“It’s just some information I thought you would find helpful,” Jordan said. Her ears were red with embarrassment.
I unfolded the paper long enough to see the words Reframing Your Life Through Christ, and I knew exactly what I was looking at.
“I’m good,” I said, shoving the pamphlet back at her.
“There’s some fantastic information on there!” Jordan protested. “You seem like you could really use it.”
Anger rose in me, and I did my best to tamp it down. “It’s the last thing I need,” I said. In fact, at the moment I only needed two things: To get away from this conversation and a strong drink. In that order.
I finally got her to take back the stupid paper and shoved past her. I could see out of the corner of my eye she had tears welling up in her eyes as she hurried from the room. Typical, I thought. She saw herself as the victim here.
Never mind that she’d been way out of line and downright insulting.
The shitty thing about my family is that no matter what I did in reaction to their aggressions, I was set up to lose. I made it to the island and poured myself a glass of wine with a shaking hand. The kitchen had become vacant as the living room drew a crowd. Adam was behind me in an instant.
“What was that about?” he asked.
“Just a dumb informational pamphlet,” I tried and failed to keep my tone light. Inside, I was still raging with anger. But I couldn’t let it out. I didn’t want to cause a scene.
Just need to make it through tomorrow and then I’ll never see any of them again. I vowed silently. My promise to myself from the other night brought a surprising amount of peace.
“A pamphlet about what?”
“It was one of our church’s anti-gay pamphlets aiming at convincing queer people that if they prayed hard enough, they too could control their ‘inclinations,’” Dani said, approaching us. “That’s what their church always called being gay - inclinations.”
“That’s stupid,” Adam clenched his jaw and I could see the same rage that was boiling inside me beginning to ignite in him.
“Their whole thing is that gay people can’t get rid of the desire to be gay, but they can control it,” Dani polished off her glass and poured another one. “And I’m going to need to be much more drunk if things keep going this way.”
We made our way back to the breakfast nook and sat down at the table there. Just like the first night we’d been here.
“How long before we can get away with heading upstairs?” I said to Dani.
“Oh, we’ve got a good hour before that, big brother,” she said.
I turned out we weren’t going to last an hour. Seconds later and Aunt Katie was in the kitchen looking livid. She was Jordan’s mom, so I wasn’t surprised to see her, but I hadn’t expected it to happen so quickly. I didn’t have time to brace before she was upon me.
“What did you say to Jordan?” She demanded, her cheeks flushed.
“I told her ‘Thanks but no thanks.’”
“Then why did she have to go home in tears?”
“Maybe she can’t handle rejection?” I suggested.
“She was trying to be nice,” Katie said. “You two used to be so close until you decided to do this whole gay thing.”
“Excuse me?” Adam said, his voice carried throughout the kitchen and I heard the other room grow quiet.
“Adam, it’s okay,” I said, placing a calming hand on his shoulder even though I was just as pissed as he’d sounded. I was shaking again with anger and my nails were digging little divots into my palms from how tight I was clenching my fist. It wasn’t okay, but I had to convince him it was. I had to make it through tomorrow without incident. I couldn’t be the source of my mom’s pain tonight.
Adam rounded on me. “No, it isn’t.” His eyes flashed angrily.
Dani downed her wine as the scene unfolded in front of her. I sensed she was about to make a run for it.
Aunt Katie’s eyes narrowed. “What isn’t okay exactly?”
“First of all, he didn’t ‘decide’ to do any gay thing no matter what your stupid religion tries to spout,” Adam got to his feet and Katie back away a step as his six foot four height went from attractive to intimidating. “And more importantly, your daughter was being a passive aggressive, self-righteous bitch.”
“DON’T YOU DARE CALL MY DAUGHTER THAT!” Katie shrieked as she raised a hand, but thought better of it and forced it to her side. Her yelling was enough to get the family to charge into the kitchen. Uncle Steve went over to his wife and wrapped an arm around her. Partially to keep her from swinging at Adam, I suspected.
I stood next to Adam, ready to take on the whole lot of them. Fuck them and their bigoted ideas. They were tiny people from a tiny town, and they’d done more to damage my mental health than anything else in my life.
But then I saw it, the look in my mom’s eyes. The pain. The embarrassment. The shame.
And my resolve shattered like so much glass. We’d done the exact thing I’d been desperately hoping we wouldn’t do. And my mom was going to suffer for it.
“Adam, let’s go,” I said, grabbing his hand. When he didn’t budge, I added: “Now.”
I could feel everyone’s eyes on my back as I led Adam from the kitchen, through the living room and upstairs. It was the only place in the house where I knew we’d get any privacy at this point. Most of the family stayed downstairs during these gatherings.
It wasn’t until we were safely in my room that I stopped, closing the door behind us.
“Eli, I-”
I held up a hand. “Adam, I told you. I told you that this was stressing me out.” I hated how my voice quivered as I spoke.
“I know but they-”
“They’ve been doing it my whole life,” I said in an angry whisper even though the door was closed and we were a full floor above anyone who’d be able to overhear anything. “We just had to make it two more days and we could leave and forget about them.”
Adam opened his mouth to reply, but then snapped it shut again.
“I appreciated what you were saying at first, and it’s all true and I understand,” I continued. “But I can’t... I can’t keep looking at my mom and seeing the hurt in her eyes. And I can’t keep looking like a brat in front of those people.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you think they’re actually hearing any complaints we’re raising with them? Do you think they’re jotting down notes of what not to say next time?”
“Well, no.”
“They see every outburst as proving them right. That I’m just an ill-adjusted liberal cry baby that can’t take a few rude comments.”
“I thought you didn’t care what they thought.”
I paused at his words. Aunt Katie’s words replayed in my head. Your parents opened their home and hearts to you, and all you’ve done since you’ve been home is thrown that back in their faces. You can be whoever you want, but you don’t have to rub our noses in it.
“I don’t care what they think,” I said slowly. “But my parents do. Aunt Katie told me straight up that I was being selfish and that my parents and everyone thought so.”
“Fuck that,” Adam said with such ferocity that I was momentarily taken aback.
“I know it’s not right but-”
“No, seriously,” Adam pressed. “You can’t just sit there and take abuse because you don’t want to appear selfish. Asking to be treated with respect is selfish now?”
I gaped at him like a moron. “I’m just trying to make it through this. I’m tired of rocking the boat.”
“You shouldn’t have to worry about that.”
“I know, but it is what it is.”
Adam was shaking his head. “No.”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “Why are you being so stubborn about this?”
“Because!” He blurted loudly, but then seemed to realize he’d raised his volume too high and continued at a lower level. “Because I can’t sit back and watch people attack the person I care about most.”
My heart did a brief flutter at that, but I didn’t let it distract me.
“I’m not asking you to,” I said sadly, I was finally realizing what needed to happen.
“What does that mean?”
“It means I think you should go home.”
Adam blinked at me. “Wait, what?”
“Go home, Adam. I know you can’t stay quietly here, so I can’t ask you to. But please leave so I can get through this.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I’ve never meant anything more,” I said.
“It’s an eight-hour drive.”
“Then take my car,” I said, tears began welling up in my eyes. “You can take my car and I’ll get a rental for the way back.”
I’d expected him to leave then, but instead Adam moved closer and pulled me into his arms. I buried my face into his chest, my tears soaking into his sweater.
“I’ll leave if that’s what you want,” Adam said. “But what does that mean for us when we get back.”
“I don’t know,” I said. As much as I cared for him, I wasn’t sure if I could be with him if he couldn’t follow simple requests for my comfort. It was all so new, this was supposed to be the easy part. But nothing was easy.
“Please go.”
Adam squeezed me tight and nodded before pulling away from me. He stopped at the door with his hand on the knob before looking back at me. “You know, you can’t allow them to always expect you to meet them on your terms. What about your terms? Your feelings?”
I didn’t have a response, and he didn’t wait for one. I stayed in that room, listening to him throwing his things back into his suitcase in the other room. I stayed as he walked down the stairs and started my car. I stayed as he drove away.
And then I let myself cry.