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I chased the cheerios in the bowl around with my spoon. Yet again, I’d barely gotten any sleep last night. The frustration, guilt and general anxiety had seen to that. The moment I’d been about to doze off, I’d snap awake with a fresh bout of heartache.
What had I been thinking to send Adam away?
What does this mean for us when we get back? His question haunted me. What did it mean?
I wanted to scream. How had I let myself get so focused on my family’s approval that I’d ruined one of the few good things I had going for me here?
The front door opened, and Dani appeared in her workout gear, glistening with sweat.
“Merry Christmas,” she said. I could hear the pity in her voice. When I didn’t respond, she frowned. “How’re you holding up?”
I ignored her pity. “Fantastic.”
“Has he called or texted or...”
I was already shaking my head, and she went quiet.
“I’m so stupid,” I groaned. “I went on about being a liberal crybaby and how he shouldn’t stick up for me just because it makes everyone uncomfortable. Like he was doing what I’ve always been too spineless to do.” I covered my face with my hands.
“For the record,” Dani poured herself some still hot coffee from the pot. “I wasn’t ever uncomfortable.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do,” she said with a sip from her cup. “You’re still worried about placating the adults in our lives that will always hate your very existence. You can’t step on any toes or else you’ve committed the ultimate crime. And when Adam came here, he was telling them they need to get their damn toes out of the way.”
“Nice analogy,” I said, heart sinking. She was right, of course. I didn’t want to upset people so much that I’d never let them see the real me. Had I been back home in Seattle and the people Adam had offended been random strangers, I wouldn’t have thought twice about anything he’d said.
You can’t allow them to always expect you to meet them on your terms. What about your terms? Your feelings?
Adam’s words rang in my head like a terrible hangover, hurting my head. I wanted nothing more than to go home and curl up in my tiny apartment. Things had gone from perfect to ruined in such a short time that I had whiplash. And the worst part was, I’d been the one to ruin them.
Me and my stupid need to make everyone like me.
“Well, look on the bright side, it’s Christmas,” Dani said with a halfhearted wink. “Maybe you’ll get a Christmas miracle.”
I scowled at her.
“At the very least you leave tomorrow,” she pointed out. “And then you can spend the next five years avoiding everyone again.” I hated that she sounded sad at the idea.
“Dani, I don’t know if I’m ever coming back here.”
She winced. “I figured. I just wish it wasn’t true.”
She got to her feet. One thing I was glad of though, as my sister left the room, was that during this trip we’d gotten closer than we had been in years. I didn’t care what it would cost me, but we’d see each other much more now that we’d grown so close. I wouldn’t abandon her like I had in the past.
Dani went upstairs, and I returned to my pouting, my mind honing in on Adam with annoying persistence. Adam’s smile as he pulled me into him. Adam defending me like a knight in shining armor - at least in my mind’s eye. Adam’s look of confusion and hurt as I told him he needed to leave.
I’d really fucked up.
What’s worse is that I couldn’t avoid him for long either. He’d be back at work come the new year, and then there was no telling what our relationship... friendship... co-worker-ship... would look like after that. What if by giving into him and falling in love, I’d ruined any chance at having him in my life in any real way? Hell, he’d only been so involved in my life because he wouldn’t leave me alone most days. What happened if that went away?
What does this mean for us when we get back?
My mom came down to the kitchen and made a beeline for the coffee. It wasn’t until after she’d poured herself a cup that she seemed to notice me.
“You okay, Eli?” Her brow furrowed in concern.
“Fine, Mom.” There wasn’t much point in getting into it with her. Especially when I knew that her opinions on the matter would be far from anything I wanted to hear.
“You know I’m proud of you,” Mom said.
My shoulders tensed. “Why are you proud of me?” I asked.
“Adam,” Mom shook her head. “He just never respected the comfort of our family. It was good of you to stand up for us and our feelings.” She began walking out of the kitchen.
Us. That single syllable hit me like a shot. I didn’t stand up for them. I didn’t stand up for anything. I’d tucked my tail and run the moment actually standing up for something had been asked of me.
“What about my feelings, Mom?” My question stopped her dead in her tracks.
“What do you mean?”
“You always talk about yours or Uncle Sam’s or Aunt Tammy’s feelings and comfort, but what about mine?”
“I’m not sure I understand,” Mom said. “All we’re asking of you is to-”
“You’re asking me to completely change who I am. You’re asking me not to give my opinion because it’ll stir the pot. You’re asking me to take sitting there and listening to our family talk shit about me and people like me. You’re asking me to not even hold hands with the man I love.”
“You love him?” Mom choked out.
“I don’t know, maybe,” my face flushed with frustration. “Even if I didn’t, I’ve seen cousins not get a second glance even though they are making me uncomfortable with the displays of groping their girlfriends they barely know.”
“Don’t exaggerate,” she said. “That’s different.”
“HOW?” I thundered. “How is it different other than every asshole in this family finds me icky?”
Mom was silent as she stared down at her coffee mug, unable to form an answer. I don’t know if she could’ve said anything in that moment to make me feel better because we both knew the truth. And we’d only made it this far by willfully ignoring the truth. But I was done.
“You know what,” I stood up. “Adam was right. No one here takes my feelings into account. No one cares how that hurts me. You all claim to not care that I’m gay, but god forbid if I show it in any way.”
“Where are you going?” Mom asked as I walked up the stairs.
“I’m going home, Mom,” I said. “I can’t stay here any longer and I owe Adam an apology.”
“But the family - we want you here. We love you.”
“I’m grown enough now to know what love is and what I experience here isn’t love. This family doesn’t love me - the person I actually am. They love the idea of me - the person they can pretend I am.”
“Eli, that’s not-”
I stopped her with a wave of my hand. “Yes, it is, Mom. But I’m not your fucking prop to come around and make everyone feel better about how they treat me. I’m leaving. And I’m not coming back until this family changes.”
“And what if that never happens?” Mom said, a challenge in her eyes. She didn’t think I could cut ties to them. She thought I was going to cave into them.
“Then I guess this is goodbye, Mom.”
Storming upstairs, I took the steps three at a time. I burst into the room, preparing to grab all my stuff as quickly as possible, only to find my suitcase neatly packed at the foot of the bed. And sitting on the bed was Dani, leaning back with a smile.
“I figured you weren’t going to make it to tonight,” she said with a smile. “And since you forced Adam to take your car and you won’t be able to get a rental today...” She held up her keys, jingling them.
I blinked at her. I hadn’t thought about actually getting back to Seattle. “You’ll drive me?”
Dani nodded. “Let’s go get Adam.”
I pulled Dani into a huge two armed hug. “You’re the best sister a guy could ask for.”
“I know,” Dani’s face was beet red from embarrassment. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
***
MY PARENTS WERE NOWHERE to be seen when Dani and I left the house. I could only hope they were thinking over their actions. Because I’d been serious. I wasn’t coming back.
I don’t remember the drive home other than it started snowing as we were reaching the city limits. As usual when it snowed in Seattle, everyone lost their damn minds trying to figure out how to operate their vehicles. Needless to say, the last stretch of the journey home was the most frustrating part of it. Dani drove white knuckled from the time we entered city limits until we made it to our destination.
Pulling to a stop in front of Adam’s apartment, I stared up at the building with a sense of dread. The sky was already getting dark as Christmas day officially came to a close. I hadn’t called or tried to get a hold of Adam yet. On the way that had seemed romantic or genius or something. Now it just seemed stupid.
“Come on Eli, you’ve got this,” Dani urged.
“What if he doesn’t accept my apology?” I asked.
“Don’t be stupid,” she unlocked the car doors. “Now come on, I’m going to find a bar.”
“You don’t want to come in?”
She let out a short, dark laugh. “Not a chance. Call me if you need me.”
Gritting my teeth, I stepped out of the car and grabbed my things from Dani’s trunk. I waited until she’d pulled away before I approached the building. Near the door, there was the buzzer that would connect me to Adam’s apartment. Looking at Adam’s faded name written in messy handwriting next to a well-worn button, I remembered all the times I’d pressed it. The times when we’d worked late and then gone out for drinks and stumbled back here. The times when we’d watched movies here, and it grew too late for me to go home. The times when Adam’s heart was breaking, and I’d been there to comfort him.
Maybe we’d really been dating all along. Maybe it took us pretending to date to allow us to fall in love.
Did he love me? I thought I loved him. But had I already ruined it by banishing him? Had I sent him freewheeling back to the friend zone? It hadn’t seemed like it yesterday, but there was no telling what sleeping on my actions had done to his opinion on the matter.
I nearly turned back. I could just call an Uber, go home, curl up in bed, and watch some depressing t.v.
It was funny that I’d even attempted to think that. I was terrible at leaving well enough alone. And this was far from being well enough. Even if I left now, I wouldn’t get a wink of sleep until we returned to work or he returned my car. And by then... I don’t know, that was just too late.
I smashed the button down hard. There was a buzzing sound followed by silence.
I waited.
And waited.
And no one answered. I pressed it again. Maybe he hadn’t heard me.
By the third time I’d pressed the button, I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to answer. It could be one of two things. He could simply not be home. Or he could be seeing me in the camera and deciding that he didn’t even want to grace me with a dismissal.
Though I had no idea where he’d be on Christmas night if he wasn’t home, it hurt too much to think it could be the second option.
A blast of cold air blew through me and I shivered deeper into my jacket. I’d now been standing in front of the building long enough that people were beginning to give me odd looks. It seemed like there wasn’t much left for me to do other than go back home.
“Eli?” Adam said from behind me.
I jumped, startled, and then whirled around to face him. He was looking at me with a guarded expression. He was still hurt from my words last night. His face was flushed from the cold under his tousled hair, and his breath plumed around him as he took heavy breaths. He was holding a bag of takeout and wearing a gray peacoat and tight bluejeans.
And he looked like heaven.
“I thought you’d be home,” I said lamely.
“I had to get food,” Adam said. “There’s no way I was going to cook today.”
“Yeah that’d be awful.”
And then Adam closed the short distance between us, he’d set down the bag of food, and I was suddenly in his arms. His strong, warm arms. People passing were giving us looks because, you know, two men in tender embraces wasn’t something most average people saw on the daily, but we didn’t pay them any attention. Like when he’d first kissed me, nothing in the world mattered except for me and Adam.
“I’m sorry,” I said, looking up at him.
“I know. Me too.”
“I want to keep dating,” I said. “I don’t want to lose us.”
“Me too.”
“I love you.” My breath caught in my throat. Anxiety twisted in my gut. I hadn’t been planning on telling him that. I mean, somewhere in the last twelve hours I’d realized that it was a fact, but I had been of the mindset that I should hold back on that information, at least for the moment.
But I’d went and opened my stupid mouth and now the words were out there and there was nothing I could do to take them back.
Adam’s response was to take my face in his hands. “Eli, I’ve loved you for longer than you know.”
And then his lips crashed into mine. Like waves crashing on the shore in a rising tide - fresh water on a familiar ground. His warmth filled me up, and I felt all the tension in my body evaporate. I’d been so stressed about coming here, but now I knew that it was the best thing I could’ve done.
His lips parted mine, and the tip of his tongue grazed my own. I pulled him closer to me, cursing the damn jackets that separated us.
He smiled and pulled away from me. “We should go inside,” he said breathlessly, his forehead resting on mine.
I nodded. Now that all rational thought wasn’t being driven from my skull by his lips, I realized that the way I was holding Adam wasn’t exactly decent for the public.
Adam grabbed the food and opened the door to his building, and we climbed the stairs to his apartment. I felt like I was floating, or else I was in a dream. He was holding my hand, leading me, as if I hadn’t been here a thousand times before.
He opened his door, and we weren’t even in when he was kissing me again. I don’t know where the bag went, but it had vanished somewhere. Adam had more important things on his mind. He kissed my lips. My face. My neck.
He paused for a beat and looked me deep in the eyes. “I love you.”
“I know, we established that,” I said with a coy smile.
He smiled back. “I know, but it’s crazy. It’s perfect but crazy.”
“Shut up and kiss me,” I said, because my chest had been replaced by the sun. The burning felt like it would overcome me with desire and happiness if I didn’t have his lips on mine.
We stumbled our way into the bedroom where we fell over in a heated tangle of limbs. Shaking hands tore at buttons and jackets and underclothes.
“I love you too.” I said because I’d only said it once before and it was still new and foreign on my lips. I’d never said those words to anyone. Not in that way.
Adam smiled at me, and the sun surged in my chest.
I hadn’t known where we’d end up when Adam had asked to come home with me, but I would’ve never guessed that it’d be here, in his bed, with his lips on mine. I didn’t know if we were going to last or if this would only for now, but it didn’t matter. I just knew that right now, we loved each other.
And right now, we were made of starlight.