Mr and Mrs Bowden had some country club thing to go to tonight so we had the house to ourselves. Connor was fully recovered from the morning’s trauma. He thinks we should put bells on Zelda and a light on Mrs Claws. I don’t think it’d work. Zelda would just drive everybody totally nuts ringing the bells all the time and Mrs Claws would turn off the light. Or eat it. Went for a moonlight swim in the lake. (I think I turned a little blue but it was still way romantic.) After that we went to the Snack Shack. I was really careful not to look at anyone. Found five dollars just outside the entrance because I had my eyes on the ground! After that we went back and sat out on the deck. Connor said that some day he wants to ride down the Mississippi on a raft like Huckleberry Finn. I said you do know that Huckleberry Finn didn’t have a personal flotation device, he had a runaway slave, right? Connor said but seriously, don’t you think that’d be a great thing to do? To tell the truth, that’s not really the first idea I’d connect with the words “great thing to do”. I’d connect it with mosquitoes and rapids. But I said yeah. And if Connor was on the raft with me it’d be immense. Counted six shooting stars! Which is pretty amazing since we weren’t really looking that hard.

Lovelovelovelovelove…

Connor’s started texting with the summer countdown. As of today there are 29 days left of vacation. (Twenty-nine we’re losing time…) After that we’re back on the treadmill of teenage life. I said it’s like he’s on the platform and I’m on the train, and the train is starting to move very slowly. And very slowly he’s getting farther and farther away. And all we can do is wave. He says every day is like a nail in his heart. You wouldn’t think a boy from around here would be so romantic. He’s like a poet.

Had to miss yoga because I twisted my ankle last night when we were leaving the Snack Shack. Nomi wanted to know if that was because I only have eyes for Connor and wasn’t looking where I was going? That’s one way of putting it. There were a lot of people around so I was looking at Connor and I missed a step. He was really upset that I was hurt. You should’ve seen him. You’d think I’d fallen off the roof. My ankle wasn’t that bad, but he carried me on his back all the way to his house. (How sweet is that?) And then he made me soak it and he bandaged it and everything. It’s OK really. And it’s much better today. But I didn’t want to try standing like a tree on it. Not unless it was a tree that’s just been felled.

I was going to spend the day at home but Nomi, Maggie and Sara came by after yoga to take me to the beach with them. At first I said no. I don’t need a crystal ball to know that beach + girls + swimsuits = recipe for major meltdown if Connor finds out. (If he thinks they’re trying to attract guys when they’re dressed for bowling, what’ll he think when they’re not really dressed at all?) I said I could hobble around and everything but probably I should rest my foot. Nomi said I could rest it on the sand. She reminded me that I’ve always loved the beach and here I was on a perfect beach day wanting to sit at home with my foot in a bucket. Sara said it’s not like I had to stand up at the beach. I was just going to sit on a blanket. And the salt water would do my foot good. Maggie said for Pete’s sake, summer’s almost over. There’ll be plenty of days to sit in the house when there’s five feet of snow on the ground. And let’s not forget how much my new swimsuit cost. I should get some use out of it while I can in case it doesn’t fit next year. But it was Nomi (face of an angel, mind of a detective) who had the clinching argument. She got all scrutinous-looking and wanted to know if the fact that I seemed to be avoiding my friends this summer had something to do with Mr Coffee. I said I didn’t know what she was talking about. Exactly when was I supposed to be avoiding my friends? Nomi said all the time. I said she was really exaggerating. I admitted I have been pretty busy with Connor, but a relationship’s like a tiny seed. It needs time and attention to make it grow. Nomi said, “Well you’re not busy with Connor today, Hildegard.” She was right, I wasn’t. I didn’t even have to be home early or anything because Connor had another practice tonight. And because of those two facts I couldn’t come up with a lie fast enough to argue with her. I know Connor worries about me so much because he cares about me so much. But I also know that he has nothing to worry about. When you look at it like that what’s the big deal?

So now I know: guilt’s the big deal. The minute we hit the beach I had one of those blinding moments of understanding. Like Custer when he suddenly realized the other side had a lot more warriors than he’d bargained for. I’d made a really big mistake. The beach is all flat and open. Which means you can be seen from every direction. I know, I know. Realistically, what were the chances that Connor would leave work in the middle of a shift and come to the beach looking for me? Not as small as the chances of his parents suddenly texting him to tell him he’s adopted, but not huge either. Only I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was possible he’d just show up. That he might. Things like that do happen. Whole books and plays have been written around that kind of idea. And I knew that even if the beach was a lot more crowded than it was – if there were 20,000 people packed on it and they were all under umbrellas or cabanas – the first thing he’d see would be me. Sitting there in my two-piece with my friends in their two-pieces. And he’d know that I lied about not wearing my swimsuit in public. And he’d think that when he isn’t around I sneak out with my friends in my swimsuit to pick up boys. That I’m just like every other girl he’s known. And who could blame him? Not me. I felt so guilty that if someone had come up to me and said, “Did you do it?” I’d have said, “Yes.” I wouldn’t even bother asking, “Do what?” So I refused to take off my T-shirt and shorts. No swimming. No sunbathing. Just me on the blanket with a hat on my head reading a book. They all thought I was nuts. But I didn’t care. And I was OK so long as we were all hanging out and talking like usual. But then Nomi, Sara and Maggie went for a swim. I watched them fooling around in the water for a while, but then the nervous feeling came back like a criminal to the scene of the crime. Of course, Connor had been texting me when he could and I’d been answering. Nt mch. Bttr. Miss u 2. But then he said how he felt bad for me cooped up in the house on my day off, and I wondered if he was being sarcastic. You know, in case he really did know where I was. That he has that special surveillance equipment Gran talks about that can tell a person’s location from their cell phone. Guilt whacked me again, like a tennis ball going 130mph. I figured I should check out the parking lot. Just to make sure. If his car wasn’t there, then he wasn’t either. I took all our valuables with me and limped up to the boardwalk. Heaved an immense sigh of relief. There was no sign of Connor’s car. That put me in such a good mood that I decided to get some drinks and snacks for everybody.

There was hardly anyone sitting at the tables but there were a lot of people getting stuff. I was waiting to pay, maybe halfway to the register, when I saw him outside. Connor was standing with some guys I didn’t recognize. He must’ve come with them. That’s why I didn’t see his car. I panicked. The thing about panic is that it only involves the let’s-get-out-of-here part of the brain. You don’t assess the situation. You don’t weigh your options. You just move. I moved. I turned around and pushed my way past all the people behind me. Soda sloshed out of the cups on my cardboard tray. Nachos flew to the floor. I was heading for the ladies’ room. There was no way he’d be going in there. I didn’t make it. Somebody grabbed my shoulder. My life was over. All my dreams of love and romance were dead in the sea of disaster, bloated and foul and floating face-down. I was a terrible person who’d become practically a compulsive liar and I was being punished for it. Why didn’t I stay home? Why didn’t I stay on the blanket with a beach towel over my head? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? All I had to console me, the only crumb of comfort I had, was that I wasn’t in a swimsuit. At least there was that. Very, very slowly, I turned around. It wasn’t Connor. It was the manager. It said so on his shirt. I started breathing again. And looking past him to see where Connor was. The manager wanted to know where I thought I was going with all that unpaid-for food. The boy I thought was Connor wasn’t. He wasn’t anything like him. The manager wanted to know if I’d heard him. Where did I think I was going with all that unpaid-for food? I couldn’t very well say the bathroom. I said I thought I’d dropped my wallet. Then, because I hadn’t dropped my wallet, I had to make a big thing of going through my bag and being surprised when I found it. Then I had to pay for what was left of our drinks and nachos. Which wasn’t that much. Nomi, Sara and Maggie were all like what is this? Did you get this off somebody’s table or something? I said some little kid ran into me as I came out of the snack bar. I said I was lucky to be alive. At least that part was true.

Connor called me as soon as he got home. He wanted to know how my day was. I said oh you know. Quiet.

It’s just as well your nose doesn’t really grow when you lie. I probably wouldn’t be able to fit in the car by now.

Connor begged me not to go to pottery tonight. He said he knows how much it means to me but he hopes he means a lot to me, too. (How cute is that?) He wouldn’t ask, but what with the championship and the Bowden men’s annual Labor Day fishing trip, we’re not going to see so much of each other for the rest of the summer. What’s he going to do when he can only see me on weekends? It’ll be like being in jail (but without the cell and the drab clothes and the bad food). How could I say no? But I didn’t want him to hang out here all night in case my mom or Zelda said something about me going to the beach yesterday, so I told him I was yearning for pizza. He said my wish is his command. To kill time and lessen the chance of any of the Big Mouth D’Angelos saying anything to Connor, I dawdled over dinner. It took me ages to decide what I was having. When I finally did make up my mind, and our meals came, if I’d eaten any slower we’d have still been there for lunch tomorrow. By the time we got back, my mom was over at Gran’s, my dad was in bed, and Gus and Zelda were building a wooden dinosaur in the living room. Gus joked that every time I go out with Connor I have an accident. She said at least I’d stopped limping. Connor said he knew I’d be fine if I stayed off my foot for a day. Zelda was concentrating on the dinosaur and oblivious. But Gus glanced over at me. She didn’t say anything about the beach though. All she did was grunt. Connor was looking at me, too. I grabbed his hand and said since it was such a nice night we should sit in the backyard. Now that we practically have a deck. Blissblissbliss. Finally we took a break and I went to get us a cold drink. When I got back he had my cell out. Again. I said, “Don’t tell me you thought I had another call?” He said no he was just curious who was in my phonebook. You know, because he wants to know everything about me. He said, “We don’t have secrets from each other, right?” It sure doesn’t look like it, does it? I said, “Of course not.” He wanted to know who G is. I said that’s my gran. See, it’s a landline. Remember I told you she only has a landline because she’s the enemy of technology? And Grady? Who’s Grady? I said, “You met Grady at Movie Club. He’s going out with Maggie.” Connor said, “You call him?” I said I might. You know, if there was an emergency and Maggie was with him and her phone had been run over by a car or eaten by a shark or something, I might call Grady to get hold of her. And Mike? I said, “You know, Michelle Sambucca, the girl I swapped shifts with?” I know it sounds dumb but I was feeling kind of uncomfortable. Even more uncomfortable than I felt in the restaurant that time. I told him to put down my phone and he said, “In a minute, this is interesting.” I was beside him so I saw him hit my sent messages. I said, “Come on, Connor. I want to talk to you, not look at the top of your head.” He said OK. Only he didn’t put it down. Then he wanted to know why I was texting Ely. Ely! It’s amazing how you can feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty about. At least I can. I’m getting immensely good at it. Connor was reading one of my texts. What did I mean I’d talk to him on Tuesday? And that there was nothing to worry about? I said I didn’t mean anything. It was just something for work. What? I said the first thing that came into my head. Potatoes. Ely was worried we were going to run out of potatoes. And then I saw Connor go for my inbox. He’d see Ely’s texts to me. There was no way “I’m worried about you again” and “make sure you do” sounded like they had much to do with potatoes. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t order him to put my phone down because then he’d get even more suspicious. I was floundering in another ocean of whys. Why did I ever text anyone? Why didn’t I delete all my messages? Why did I even have a dumb phone? So I panicked. Once again. Action not thought. I made a move as if I was going to hand him his iced tea, but instead I kind of stumbled and spilled it all over him. I don’t know what got into me. Really. I’ve never done anything like that before in my whole life. I kept saying how really sorry I was. And I was really sorry. He was soaked. He said he thought I’d killed my phone. I acted as if that was the worst thing that could’ve happened.

Ely wanted to know if I’d lost my phone or something. Since it wasn’t attached to my hand for a change. I said or something. He said you mean there’s been a discouraging word said on the high plains of love? Did you and Mr Coffee have a fight? He didn’t say “another”, but I could tell from the way he was straightening out the tomatoes that he was thinking it. So I had to explain how I’d accidentally drowned my phone. Death by iced tea. He said he wished he’d thought of that. He would’ve done it weeks ago. What a relief it was to have me actually totally present for a change instead of either checking my phone or wandering around in the netherworld of misery and heartbreak unable to find the way out. I whacked him with a bunch of spinach. He whacked me back with a bunch of scallions. It’s very lucky that Blue Eyeshadow Lady pulled in right then or it could have turned really ugly. But I have to be no-eyes-but-mine-shall-ever-see-this honest here. Even though it’s weird not getting any messages from Connor, I was a little relieved myself. Not to be out of touch with him. Just not to have to be looking at my phone all the time. Or to feel that he’s watching me. Somehow. And also because now I don’t have to delete all the messages that were on my old phone.

So tonight I had to talk to Connor on the landline. Public as a statue in a park. Can you imagine what it must’ve been like before cell phones were invented? When people only had landlines? And not just that. Gran says when she was a kid they only had one phone for all of them. How did you get any privacy? Gran says she used to take the phone out into the garage. And in the winter she’d have to wear a coat and a hat. Thank God it’s summer, that’s all I can say. I managed to get the house phone out to the porch so at least I wasn’t right in the middle of everyone. Usually the only person on the porch is Mrs Claws. Lying in wait. But not tonight. Of course. There was enough traffic for a train station the day before Thanksgiving. First Dad came home. He wanted to know what I was doing. I said I was sitting on the porch. Then Zelda came out to put her dinosaur hat on Mrs Claws. Then she just stood there staring at me like the Daughter of Satan. I asked her what she was doing. She said, “Nothing.” I said, “So do it somewhere else.” Then my dad went out again because he forgot the milk. Then Gus left. She said, “What are you doing sitting on the porch? It’s going to rain.” I said, “It isn’t raining yet.” It started to rain. Gus came back. She said people are going to think I’m weird sitting on the porch talking on the phone in the rain. Since the only people who could actually see me were the parents of Louie, I figured I’d take my chances. Two minutes later Mrs Masiado came over. As soon as she saw me she started telling me how she hardly sees me any more and stepped on Mrs Claws’ tail. Mrs Claws and Mrs Masiado both did the Evil Spirit from the Curse of the Pharaoh’s Tomb scream. It was so loud Connor dropped his phone. Mrs Masiado had to sit down for a few minutes to get her breath back. Mrs Masiado went inside. When she came out again, she left very carefully. Gran came over with a box of homemade preserves and pickles. She said let me guess who you’re talking to. Dad came back with a bag full of groceries. Zelda came out and took her dinosaur hat off Mrs Claws. Scorsese came over three times because he saw me sitting there and was hoping there might be some food involved. Hitchcock came over and sat on my lap. Dad went back out to get the milk.

In the few minutes we actually had to talk, Connor said he really missed me today. He said it’s torture not being able to text me or talk to me all day. He feels like he’s stranded on a desert island. Only with AC, coffee and chocolate muffins. He kept thinking something horrible had happened to me. (I never realized what an enormous responsibility love is. It’s like being captain of a ship.) He was so worried he would’ve left work just to come to the stand to make sure I was all right, but it would’ve been easier to levitate than get away because they were so busy. (How sweet is that?) Was I sure that my phone’s really gone to electronics heaven? Had I tried it since I got home? I said I’d had a quiet funeral for it. So when was I going to replace it? I said probably not till Sunday when I can get to the mall. He said he’ll be counting the seconds.

After Connor hung up Nomi checked in. She said it must be killing Connor not to text me every three-and-a-half minutes. I said you really do exaggerate you know. But I told her how he wanted to go to the stand to make sure I was all right. Nomi wanted to know what’s going to happen when school starts and I’m incomunicada for most of the day. Is Connor going to turn up in the middle of Language Skills because he hasn’t heard from me since breakfast?

Dreamed I was in art class. Richie Deckle was at the table across from me. We were making figures from papier mâché. I was just saying to Richie that I thought one of the horns was off on his goat when Connor burst into the room. He shouted, “I knew I’d catch you together!” Woke up feeling guilty.

Connor called my mom to call Ely to tell me that he was going to pick me up from work tonight on the way to his strategy meeting (for softball – how much strategy can there be?) so not to leave early or anything. Ely wanted to know what the occasion was. “Don’t tell me it’s your anniversary.” I said don’t be ridiculous. Our first date was much earlier in the month. He started laughing so much he caused an avalanche of potatoes. Which if you ask me was God stepping in on my side because by the time we’d picked them all up he’d forgotten about it.

Green Pick-up Guy was buying some corn and we were discussing the best way of roasting it on the barbecue when Connor pulled in. Connor usually just honks his horn or waves but this time he got out of the car and came over. I introduced them. Connor said, “Hi.” Green Pick-up Guy said, “So you’re the lucky fella. Nice to meet you.” Connor mumbled something about being in a hurry. He was standing there, almost smiling, but it felt like he was tapping his foot and scowling. When we got in to his car he said, “So that’s the guy who bought you the fan.” I said yeah. He said he thought Green Pick-up Guy was old. I said he is old. He has to be at least 25. Connor thinks I should give Green Pick-up Guy the fan back. He says it doesn’t look right for me to take gifts from other men. I could think of a few answers to that. Green Pick-up Guy isn’t “other men,” he’s Green Pick-up Guy. For Pete’s sake, it’s a paper fan, not a diamond. And if you’re including yourself in the category of “men” you’re stretching the definition because you’re talking like you’re ten. But I didn’t say any of them. I know he only says stuff like that because he loves me. If he didn’t, what would he care how many paper fans guys gave me? So I said I’d give it back.

Connor wouldn’t tell me why he’d picked me up till we got to the house. Then he ordered me to put out my hands and close my eyes. I said, “And you’ll give me something to make me wise?” He said, “Absolutely.” And you know what he gave me? A new phone! He couldn’t wait for me to get out to the mall to buy one myself. But it’s not just a new phone like I would’ve bought. One that makes calls and takes messages, that kind of thing. This is a really expensive, state-of-the-art-on-every-galaxy-in-the-universe phone. It’s not just smart, it’s a genius. It does everything but microwave your supper and dry your hair. Connor was really excited. He kept asking me if I liked it. And I kept hugging him and saying, “Yesyesyes, I love it.” He grabbed it out of my hand to show me that besides standing on its head and speaking 20 languages fluently, it takes amazing photos and videos. So now when we’re not together I can take a picture or short film of myself so it’ll be just like he’s with me. For just a second I imagined the phone watching me wherever I went and calling Connor to tell him what I was doing. Is this what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind when he invented the telephone? Probably not.

Spent most of the night putting what numbers I could into my new phone. Went on Facebook to send messages to my friends on there (well, the ones I actually know, not the friends of friends of friends of friends who met somebody once at a party) and discovered that I have even less than I thought. It’s like they really have vanished into the ether.

Got my first texts on my new phone. Connor wanted me to send him a picture but I was brushing my teeth so I sent him a photo of the toothpaste. He texted back that he didn’t know I squeeze in the middle. He may have to rethink our relationship. (How hilarious is that?)

Put the phone in my bag for the night.

Connor’s working today because he has a game on Saturday so I went over to Nomi’s to get the phone numbers I’m missing from her. Wound up in hammocks in the garden. We were there hours. We played about a hundred rounds of the IF game. If you could go anywhere in the world at any time… If you could meet anybody past, present or future… If you could invite any ten people to a party… If you were stranded on an island because of a storm… We were laughing so much that Mrs Hallihan next door thought maybe we were being torn apart by terrorist chickens and were shrieking in agony. Usually, no matter what the IF is (dinner, shopping, a train ride through India…), Nomi wants to do it with her ancestors. But today Nomi decided that if she was on an old ship crossing the seven seas she’d want the other passengers to be from different centuries. So she could find out how much grief Mary got for getting pregnant before she was married. And if Columbus was really as bad as everyone says. And if anybody thought it was weird that the guys who wrote that “all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” owned slaves and wouldn’t let most men and all women vote. Then we got into what a huge language barrier you’d have on this boat between all the different people and cultures. And how difficult it would be to get anybody to do anything together. It was when we were figuring out how long it could take to get someone to pass the salt from one end of the table to the other that Mrs Hallihan popped out through her back door and thanked God that we were all right. That started us laughing all over again. This is going to sound dumb, but I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed Nomi. Tell the truth, I didn’t know I’d missed her at all. Since neither of us actually went anywhere. I think maybe she’d missed me, too, because she didn’t make any of her normal sarcastic cracks when Connor texted me. Not until he asked me to take a picture. She just watched me as I got out of the hammock and lay down in the grass (he wasn’t going to know whose grass it was) to snap myself. Then she watched me get back in the hammock. And then she asked me what I just did. I told her. Nomi said, “Why? He forgot what you look like?”

Went to Movie Club tonight but I left my new phone at home. (Just in case it can walk or up-periscope like a mini submarine or something.) I haven’t been best friends with Nomi Slevka since eighth grade for nothing. If she caught me checking it for messages during the movie or in the intermission she’d be on me like a cowboy on a horse. And then she’d want to send a picture of all of us in Louie’s basement. And how would I explain that? Connor thought I was home packing socks for my mom. Which, in case he sent me any texts, was the reason I wasn’t answering. Because we were so busy. So anyway I didn’t bring my cell and nobody teased me about Connor or anything. Nobody even mentioned Connor. Not one Mr Coffee or Lover Boy all night. We watched Bringing up Baby. Grady and Kruger griped at first because it was in black and white, but it was so funny that they totally forgot about that. And I forgot about Connor. But when I remembered, I felt guilty. So as soon as I got back, I sent him a picture of me holding a box with a pair of socks on my hands like mittens. He sent me one back of him and his team and pizza debris from their post-practice meal. They were all making faces. I said it looked like they were having a good time. He said they were. What about me? I said how good a time can you have packing socks? If I was Pinocchio my nose would be so long by now I’d be able to smell the roses in Gran’s garden without leaving our house.

The Vegetable Avenger and his trusty sidekick Lethal Lettuce are now a regular feature of Fridays on the beach road. I’d say there were at least a dozen new customers today who wanted to be waited on by vegetables. Only one person was negative. No prizes for guessing who that negative person was. Broccoli Man got out of the car this time but only to tell us he thinks we’re cheapening everything Farmer John and the farm stand for. Broccoli Man doesn’t like gimmicks. We have a good product, grown in honest soil with honest toil (I swear that’s what he said), why can’t we just present it simply in all its humble glory? Ely said because it’s more fun dressing like a carrot. Broccoli Man said it’s gimmicks that are ruining this country. Ely said he thought it was corporate greed. Broccoli Man gave him a that-scale’s-off-by-a-fiftieth-of-an-ounce look and asked if that wasn’t what he’d just said. After he finally left I asked Ely what he thinks Broccoli Man does for a living. Ely figures he’s probably part of a scouting party from an alien planet. Either that or he’s something in computers. I said maybe he is a computer. Ely said that’s impossible. Computers work on linear logic.

There was one other person who didn’t think much of our outfits. Connor came to pick me up tonight because the Crashers have a game in Beaconsfield tomorrow and they’re leaving first thing in the morning. I know I told him about the fearless fighters of GM seeds and chemical fertilizers but he still acted surprised when he saw us. As if we’d turned the stand into an ice rink and all the skaters were stuffed toys. All he said was, “Aren’t you two a little old for trick-or-treat?” But I figured from the way his mouth looked like the horizon you see from the middle of an ocean that he didn’t approve. When we got to the car Connor said he wasn’t driving around in daylight with me dressed like a lettuce. I said so next time I’ll dress as an eggplant. He looked as if he thought that was slightly less funny than water boarding. He wanted to know if I dressed like that every week. I said no. Then he said he didn’t know I worked all my shifts with Ely. I said Ely works every shift going. He’s Farmer John’s nephew so he’s practically chained to the stand. And he’s the manager. Farmer John only visits. Connor said, “Oh.” He couldn’t stay out late because he has to get up earlier than the Devil tomorrow. We went to Shep’s Diner for burgers. I like the diner because it has high booths. If you’re sitting in a booth like that there’s no one you can look at but the person on the other side of the table. We played footsie and had a great time. We were still in the car saying goodnight when he said he misses me already. (You couldn’t get any sweeter if you covered it in sugar.)

Connor wanted to know if I gave back the fan. I said yes. Soon I’ll be able to sit on the front porch and tell you if there’s a forest fire in California.

Took pictures all day to send to Connor. One of me eating breakfast. One of me getting on my bike ready to go to work. One of me putting the vegetables out. One of me eating my lunch. One of me bagging up corn. One of that guy who drives around with his pet crow stopping for peaches. One of the crow pooping on the counter. One of Blue Eyeshadow Lady running away from the crow. And a picture of Ely launching himself at Monsanto just as he was about to pounce on the crow. Ely wanted to know why I was taking so many pictures. I said oh, you know. Ely said he didn’t know. I said Connor says it makes him feel like we’re together even when we’re far apart. Ely said I thought he went to Beaconsfield not Afghanistan. Obviously, I didn’t send Connor the picture of Ely. Even though it’s really funny.

Connor’s not the only one bummed out about the summer being almost over. Everybody wants to cram in as much fun-in-the-sun stuff as they can in the next couple of weeks. Tonight the guys wanted to go out to Shadow Point and have a clambake. Only nobody really likes clams and there’s the whole bathroom issue at Shadow Point. Cristina wanted to have a pool party. Only there’s the whole issue of Lenora at the Palacios’. Nomi said why not just go to hers and start up the fire pit (clambake minus clams and no siblings). Grady and Kruger objected because they really wanted sand in their food and a major body of polluted water to swim in. Nomi said all right, so let’s go to Cristina’s. We went to Nomi’s. Ely came too and brought a bucket of corn. Compliments of Farmer John. Louie and Ely started nagging me about joining the cast of Vegetable Avenger: The Movie. They want to go over to Apple Creek and just hang out while Louie follows us around filming people’s reactions. They’re convinced it’ll be thousands of times better if the Avenger has Lethal Lettuce with him. They wouldn’t let up on me. So finally I said I’d do it just to shut them up. I knew Connor would be texting as soon as the team was on its way back home so I had my phone in my pocket. Had to keep going to the bathroom to check it. Louie wanted to know if I’d discovered the door to Narnia at the back of the shower stall. I said yes. Connor kept texting. We won. Great game. Going for ribs. What are you doing? I said I was watching a movie with Zelda. Waiting for bus. Tired. Miss you. Send me a picture. The send-me-a-picture gave me a problem. I wasn’t at home. If I sent him a picture of me in the Slevkas’ bathroom he’d want to know where I was. I should’ve told him I was at Gran’s. Then I could’ve taken my picture by the sink and he wouldn’t have known the difference. But he’d know the difference between the Slevkas’ sink and ours. Theirs is turquoise. I’m getting really used to feeling guilty. And panicky. But that doesn’t mean I like it. My palms sweat and my heart thinks it’s a horse in the Kentucky Derby. I looked around for something neutral I could stand against so I could take a head shot. Nothing. Nomi’s mother doesn’t do neutral. The bathroom’s all stripes and patterns and wake-up colours that clash with turquoise. I headed into the hall. Mr and Mrs Slevka were at their line-dancing class so I didn’t have to worry about suddenly bumping into them. What I did have to worry about was Mrs Slevka’s idea of home decor. This is a woman who’s never heard of ivory, magnolia or white. Even the refrigerator’s pink. And there isn’t a bare spot anywhere that’s larger than a fist. So she hasn’t heard of minimalism either. When Nomi found me, I was in the hall closet. She said, “What are you doing Hildy?” I said I was taking a picture.

The last thing we do in yoga class is shavasana. It sounds like something intricate and exotic, but it’s just lying on the floor. You’re supposed to empty your mind and go into super-deep relaxation. People have been known to fall asleep, but because everybody’s eyes are closed, no one notices unless you start snoring so loud that a dozen eyes pop open and Nomi kicks you in the shin. Anyway I wasn’t asleep today but I couldn’t get my mind to empty. Connor was doing a late shift and wanted to meet me first, but I was already on my way to class when he texted so I said I couldn’t. I took a picture of myself holding my mat so he wouldn’t feel too left out. So that’s what I was thinking about during shavasana. That maybe I should’ve met him. It was day 23. Our time together should be precious to me. If there’s one thing I’m learning it’s that love is about compromise. Give and take. It’s not just mememe. Which is what’s so special about it. And why it’s supposed to make you a nicer person (though it doesn’t always seem to be working that well on me). I was lying there listening to everybody breathing, but I was worried that now Connor thought I didn’t care about him as much as I said. As much as he cares about me. Not if I’d rather do standing forward bends than see him. It was really distracting. I kept trying to empty my mind but guilt kept shoving all these thoughts back in. And then I heard my name. I didn’t believe it at first. I thought maybe I was doing better at meditating than usual and put myself in a trance. I heard a few more words that I couldn’t make out. I was first in the row nearest the door and the voice was on the other side. It was a familiar voice but in the wrong place. I couldn’t figure out what was happening. Like in a dream when you’re walking across the desert and you run into your grandmother selling lemonade out of a truck and that’s when you know you’re asleep. Only I wasn’t. And then I heard my name again. Hildy D’Angelo. It wasn’t Gran. It was Connor. I didn’t even know he knew where the class was. I opened my eyes and scrambled to my feet. Sunia was right at the front, sitting in lotus position. She was looking at me. You don’t see Sunia scowl much because she’s attained inner peace and harmony, but she was scowling then. I mouthed “emergency” and bolted for the door. I didn’t say anything till I got him out on the street. And then I asked him what was wrong. What happened? He wasn’t bleeding or anything but I figured it must be something pretty major. He said he just wanted to see where I was. I said, “What?” I know if I had a picture of me right then, I’d be smiling the way you would if you opened the fridge door and instead of cheese and eggs and cold cuts and a jar of mayonnaise, you were looking at a field of sunflowers. I said but you knew where I was. I told you I was going to yoga. He said yeah, he just wanted to make sure. I said sure of what? He said you know. But I didn’t. He said sure you were here. At first I thought he meant safe. In case I’d been suffocated by a plague of locust on my way over. But that wasn’t it. In case I didn’t really go to yoga. So I was right. He thought it was weird that I’d rather go to class than see him. By the time we got it all straightened out everybody was leaving and Connor had to get to work. Nomi wanted to know what that was all about. I said oh you know. Nomi said tell me. I said he wanted to surprise me by being here when I came out. Just because a person smiles doesn’t mean she’s happy. “He’s full of surprises, isn’t he?” said Nomi. I was supposed to go home with her but I could tell from the way she was swinging her mat back and forth that she was going to want to have a talk about how full of surprises Connor is. She always wants to know “why”. Why this? Why that? How come? Butbutbutbutbut. She’s driven more than one teacher crazy with that stuff. She nearly had Mrs Stepney in tears once over Manifest Destiny. So I said I’d forgotten all about it but I couldn’t go with her after all because I had to go somewhere with my folks. Nomi wanted to know where. I said it was Aunt Lonnie’s birthday. I half expected her to ask me how old Aunt Lonnie is today but what she asked was how I could forget something like that. I said because I’m very self-involved.

Somewhere on the beautiful island of Maui, people are looking up and wondering where that enormous nose came from.

I was pretty amazed that my mom wrote down the address for the new yoga studio. She’s not usually that organized. She said she was happy not to disappoint me – she isn’t that organized. She has no idea where it is. I said then how could you tell Connor where it is? She said she didn’t. I said well who did? She said do I look like a mind reader? Hardly. She had on rubber gloves and one of those facemasks she bought last time there was a flu scare. She looked like a woman who was cleaning the oven.

More practice tonight for the Thrashers. Everybody in the Mob went over to Grady’s for a barbecue (safer than Maggie’s) but I couldn’t go because I was at Aunt Lonnie’s celebrating her birthday three months early. Started to make a list of what stuff to put into the Fall arts and crafts fair, but I’ve hardly made anything all summer. Haven’t even finished the Masiados’ mugs. Listened to the CD Connor made me instead till my dad banged on my door wanting to know how many more times I was going to play it. He said you do have headphones, you know.

Connor called when he got home. He said he really misses me. He can’t wait till tomorrow. I said tomorrow? He said yeah. He thinks we’re due a special Moonlight Boat Ride Night. I was thinking I was due a Making Things Out Of Clay Night. But tomorrow is day 22. “Twenty-two and I’m feeling blue,” said Connor. I said I can’t wait either.

Spent the day over at Gran’s. She worked in her garden while I mowed the lawn. When I was done, there were three texts from Connor. He wanted a picture of me with the mower. Gran wanted to know why. Hasn’t he ever seen a lawnmower or doesn’t he believe that I’m cutting her grass? I said of course he believes me. It makes him feel like we’re together if I send him a picture. Gran said but you’re not together. He’s at the mall and you’re with me. I said anybody would think she’s never been in love. She said she was starting to think that she hasn’t. She didn’t see Grandpa Jim for two years after he went to Vietnam and she didn’t forget what he looked like for even half a second. I said that that was a long time ago. You didn’t even have PCs then. Now we have the technology to always be in touch and Connor thinks we should use it. Gran said it’s like using a bomb to kill a mosquito. And then you know what she did? She took my phone away! (She’s really quick for an old lady.) She said she’d had enough of my age-of-communication nonsense. We were going to have iced tea and cookies and talk like people used to do in the ancient time when everybody had a few friends they saw regularly and not 300 that they never see. (If you ask me, she knows more about Facebook than she lets on.) “We’re going to look at each other and give each other all our attention. I’m not stopping in the middle of every other sentence while you text your boyfriend.” So we had our tea and talked and she told me some really funny stories about my dad that I hadn’t heard before and then she got out some of her photo albums. We were looking at them when the bell rang. I figured it must be one of her neighbours, but when she opened the door I heard her say, “Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You must be Connor.” You could’ve knocked me over with a leaf of lettuce! Connor said he got off earlier than usual so he thought he’d pick me up at my grandmother’s instead of waiting for me to go home. He would’ve told me but I wasn’t answering my phone. Usually that would make him all grunty and grumpy but instead he was in a totally good mood. Really charming and sweet. We hung out with Gran for a while and then we went out to the lake. We stopped at the deli for some picnic stuff. I could see at least five guys inside so I told Connor I was wiped out from giving Gran’s grass a crew cut and I made him go alone while I sort of slumped down in my seat and closed my eyes. I figured that was safer than going with him. I didn’t want to ruin the evening because my eyes were wandering. And it was the right thing to do because we had a perfect night. So we didn’t get too depressed about how the summer’s almost over, we started planning stuff for the Fall and winter. His school always has a hayride in September. And there’s the Halloween dance. And the Christmas dance. And ice-skating. And sledding. And his dad has a skidoo. Connor says even though we’ll mainly only see each other on weekends, we can still talk every night. And text. And send pictures. He figures it was really fate, not iced tea that drowned my old phone. I said and was it fate or my mom who told you where my grandmother lives? He said neither. He always knows where I am. His heart tells him. (How romantic is that?)

Lovelovelovelovelove…

My mom wanted to know why I wasn’t considerate enough to tell Gran that Connor was coming to her house. I said because I didn’t know. She said well you could at least’ve told her you gave him her address. So if he showed up when I wasn’t there she didn’t think he was a burglar or a conman. I said that I didn’t give it to him. She said, “Oh.”

I had a really good day yesterday and a really terrific night last night but I should’ve known somebody would ruin it for me. Meet Ely Weimer, the human equivalent of a hurricane wiping out the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Everything was OK in the morning. We were Superman-during-a-crime-wave busy. It was as if everybody around here woke up with one thought in their minds: Go to the Eden Farm stand and BUY corn (and pick up some tomatoes while you’re there). Which meant that Ely’s and my conversation was pretty limited. Could you pass me some bags? I’ll get the lettuce. We’re going to need more parsley. That was my foot. But there was a lull in the afternoon. And that’s when Ely suddenly asked me why Connor doesn’t like him. This diary will go to my grave with me, so I’m going to be totally honest. As soon as he said it I knew it was true. But I didn’t want it to be. I want Connor to like my friends. And I want them to like him. So I asked Ely what made him say that. Ely said it’s something in the way Connor turns to stone and doesn’t speak when he’s around him. And those looks. Like everything on the stand is mouldering rotten. I told Ely he’s imagining things. He’s only seen Connor a couple of times and we’re usually in a hurry. And Connor’s not an extrovert who can run around dressed as a root vegetable. He’s shy. Ely said he works in retail, how shy can he be? I said it’s different when you have a script. You know: tea, coffee, cinnamon, chocolate? Ely said he’s not taking it personally. He gets the impression that Connor doesn’t like any of my friends. Ely couldn’t know how Connor feels about Nomi, Maggie, Cristina and Sara. He couldn’t. So I said like who, exactly? Ely said he doesn’t like Louie. I laughed. Oh, please… Who told you that? He said Louie. Louie told Ely that Connor treats him like he’s contagious. I said that’s Louie’s warped and overactive imagination. Louie’s only met him a couple of times too. Ely said plus Louie says he never sees me any more and he knows that’s because of Connor. I said that’s not true. That he never sees me. I mean, duh! He lives across the street. I see him all the time. I saw him just this morning getting Scorsese out of a tree. And I’ve been to Movie Club and we had a fire pit the other night. Good grief. I could only see him more if he lived with me. Ely wanted to know if I know that my left eyebrow twitches when I lie.

I told Connor that Ely doesn’t think he likes him. Just to see what he’d say. Connor said he doesn’t like Ely. So I asked him what that was based on since he doesn’t exactly know Ely. Connor said he knows enough. I said are we talking about the carrot? Because I know he doesn’t like the carrot. He said the carrot costume did make him think Ely’s a loser or at least a serious geek, but mainly it’s because he can’t get all excited about my old boyfriends. Except in a negative way. Maybe I think that’s immature but that’s how he feels. It’s like a hot knife in his heart every time he sees me with Ely. I was so surprised that if a dust mite had bumped into me I would’ve collapsed in a heap. I reminded Connor that I don’t have any old boyfriends. I’ve never even had a young one until now. Why would he think that Ely and I had gone out together? Connor gave me this look. If I’d been a scab he would’ve picked me. He said, “Because that’s what you said.” I did? When did I say that? Maybe Connor’s going to be a lawyer like his father because he sure as sunrise looked as if he was cross-examining a defendant. But didn’t you say in your statement that on the night in question you never left your house…? Connor said, “You told me Ely’s interesting.” And that’s me saying Ely was an ex-boyfriend? I am also on record as saying that my grandmother, Mrs Gorrie in the gift store and Sunia Kreple are interesting people. Did he think I’d been dating them too? Connor said not to be ridiculous. If a girl says a boy is interesting it obviously means something. I said that’s true. It means he’s interesting. And Ely is. He’s smart and funny and he knows a lot about growing cycles. Connor sees how Ely and I are together. I said yeah, the basis for a salad. Connor said he didn’t want to fight about it. It’s day 21. (It’s almost done…) So as long as I swear it’s over between me and Ely he’s willing to put it behind us. But he doesn’t have to like him. I didn’t have the strength to bring up Louie.

I don’t remember any bad dreams, but I woke up in a pensive mood. It makes me really sad that I cause Connor so much suffering. I don’t mean to. I want to make him happy. But it doesn’t look like I know how. I guess I never realized how much there is to learn about guys. They really should come with a manual. Like a computer. Boyfriends for Beginners. Dating for Dummies. Or they should share the one they all use. I feel like I’m on a learning curve that’s steeper than the Andes. Relationships are about a million times trickier than I thought. I guess I always figured you met somebody, and you liked him and he liked you, and you thought he was cute and he thought you were cute, and the same things made you laugh or you shared a passion for skeet shooting, stuff like that, and so you got together. Of course you’d have arguments and differences. I haven’t spent my life with Vinny and Luisa, the Duelling D’Angelos, not to know that. You’re not always going to see eye-to-eye with anybody. Even twins must disagree sometimes. Never mind people from different homes and sexes. You expect that. But nobody warned me about how much misunderstanding and hurt there can be. Just incidentally. Because you’re breathing or tend to keep your eyes open when you’re awake. Don’t other people have these problems or are they just not talking about them? My gran says that when she was a kid no one ever talked about sex. There was a big conspiracy of silence. She even remembers when she was little being told that the stork brings babies. The stork! A bird? A bird brings human babies? How is that supposed to work? Gran says people thought that if you didn’t know anything about sex, you wouldn’t do it. Is it something like that with relationships? That people don’t talk about how hard they are because they think that if you knew the truth you would never want to have one? But maybe it all depends on how much you love each other. Like Nomi and Jax. They like each other, but I don’t think they’re in love. I mean, a lot of Nomi’s friends are boys but I’ve never seen Jax act like if she laughed with Louie or punched Grady somebody was hacking at his heart with a meat cleaver. But Connor and I are in love. He said that if anything happened to me he wouldn’t want to go on living. I don’t want to make him suffer or anything but that’s pretty romantic, isn’t it? We must really be in love.

The Countess stopped by the stand today. She said seeing me dancing on the silver clouds of love reminded her of her youth. (Didn’t say it seemed more like the rusty trampoline of love to me right now.) She had her wedding photos to show me in this big old album with wedding bells on the cover (in silver, like the clouds). She mentions her husband a lot (his name was Larry and he sold carpets) but I’d never seen a picture of him before. Larry was kind of geeky-looking, even in his tux (the short, skinny, glasses type who you guess is good at math but who probably isn’t). But the Countess – who now looks like a regular old lady except for the plum-coloured hair and the occasional tiara – was genuine drop-in-your-tracks gorgeous. Like Gus. Even Ely said so. He said she must’ve bruised a few hearts. The Countess said, “Yes, I had my admirers.” Men used to follow her down the street. She had songs and poems written about her and posed for two famous artists. I said Larry must’ve had a hard time with that. She said he wasn’t the one who had to stand for hours in a cold studio wearing only a slip. I said no, I meant he must’ve been jealous with all those other guys after her. She said no. She said, “We loved each other the way a bird loves the sky. What did he have to be jealous about?”

The Slashers have another game tomorrow so Connor took me to the Firemens’ Fair over in Little Hollow tonight. He called it Just Like When We Were Little Night! And it was! I haven’t been to a fair like that since I was twelve and was sick on the roller coaster. We had hot dogs and corn on the cob. We tossed coins and picked numbers and threw hoops and I walked into a guy rope and spilled my soda. (Connor says I’m the most accident-prone girl he’s ever known. I nearly said I didn’t use to be.) We had a bad moment when he wanted to borrow my phone to take our picture because his battery was really low. Naturally, I didn’t have my cell with me. I know it’s silly and mean but I really don’t like him checking my contacts and texts and stuff so it’s easier just not to bring it when I’m with him. I said I forgot it. He said, “Again?” He said I’m always forgetting my phone. Somehow he didn’t make it sound like that was because I have the memory of a goldfish. He made it sound like there was some deep, dark reason for it. I said it’s only that I don’t need it when I’m with you. He said are you sure that’s why? You sure it’s not because you’re afraid of who might call you? I said you mean my mother? That made him laugh. Crisis averted. (Even if I’m not really sure what the crisis would have been about.) And then Connor actually won something playing darts. He said if you could call it winning. It’s this doll that looks like it would kill all your other dolls if you left her alone with them. We couldn’t stop laughing about her. We went on all the cool, scary rides and held onto each other and screamed. It was immense! We left the doll on the Cyclone. All the way home Connor kept teasing me that the doll was following us. I don’t think I’ve ever had more fun. It was much better than when we were little.

Nomi asked me to go shopping for school stuff with her today. Mainly I said yes because I wanted to get something for the Masiados for their anniversary since I never finished the mugs (they can be their Christmas present). But even though I knew Connor was over in Farley playing ball it made me jiggy being in the mall. I was worried I might run into somebody who knows him. Just because I haven’t met most of his friends doesn’t mean they wouldn’t recognize me from his Facebook page. He has tons of pictures of me and us on it. I kept waiting for someone to suddenly loom in front of me saying, “Aren’t you Connor Bowden’s girlfriend?” I couldn’t say no if they did. In case he found out. And I couldn’t very well ask whoever it was not to tell him they saw me. How weird would that sound? Especially with Nomi next to me. It’s not the kind of thing she’d be likely to ignore. So I was a little preoccupied. If I thought I saw someone looking over at me I’d step behind Nomi. “Good grief, Hildegard!” she snapped. “I can feel your hot breath on my neck.” Or I’d stepped on her heel. Or I was going to knock her over. When I saw a girl coming towards me smiling like she was going to say, Aren’t you Hildy D’Angelo? I’m a friend of Connor’s! I ducked into a changing room. It took about two seconds before Nomi was shouting, “Hildy! Hildy!” loud enough to call the hogs. “I’m here,” I hissed. She stuck her head around the corner of the entrance. “Now what are you doing? You don’t even have anything to try on!” And then (naturally) I saw Mrs Bowden! I mean, who else? I don’t know why she wasn’t at work. Like she should’ve been. She was talking to a saleswoman. The saleswoman was nodding. And then she raised her hand and pointed at Nomi. Not really at Nomi – in Nomi’s direction. Panic jumped me like a monkey. (Yes, again. Guilt and panic, my new good buddies.) There wasn’t much I could do short of being beamed up or throwing myself on the floor. So I stuck my head in a rack of raincoats. I don’t know how long I stayed like that but eventually Nomi’s face appeared on the other side. She wanted to know if there was any point in asking what I was doing. I said I was looking at something. She said if the something I was looking at had anything to do with the blonde woman who looked a little like Meryl Streep, she was gone. I said of course it didn’t and stepped back. Then Nomi wanted to know what was wrong with me. I said, “Nothing.” She said I was skitterier than a cat on the Fourth of July. I said I didn’t know what she meant. She said that she meant I was acting like I expected a hundred firecrackers to go off any minute. I said she was imagining things. I was as calm as a tree. She said oh really? Was she imagining that I just tried to hide in a bunch of trench coats? And was she imagining me running into the changing room? Ducking behind her? Breathing down her neck? I said she was misinterpreting. She said and anyway, she didn’t just mean now. Was she imagining what happened at the beach? Was she imagining that she found me taking a picture of myself in her hall closet the other night? How did she misinterpret that? I groaned so loudly a couple of people looked over at us. But really. How many times do I have to explain about the pictures? “Because he wants to feel like he’s with you?” She made it sound really dumb, like I’d said I think the world’s flat and made out of pancake batter. How was a picture of me leaning against a box of Christmas decorations going to make him feel like he was with me? He wasn’t with me. He couldn’t have squeezed into the closet beside me even if he was. He would’ve been knocked out cold by an avalanche of old hats and boots if he’d tried. I said I would never expect her to understand. Maybe it’s because of her feminist genes, but she really has about as much romance in her as a can of creamed corn. I said whereas Connor pretty much has the soul of a poet. And then I made the mistake of telling her how he just showed up at my gran’s on Monday because he was worried about me. She said and you think that’s romantic? I said well what do you think it is? Nomi said, “Creepy. It’s like he’s a private detective, not a boyfriend.” She said she’s amazed he hasn’t thought of having me electronically tagged. Then he’d know where I was every minute of the day. Nomi said, “Or maybe that’s going to be your back-to-school present.” I said I don’t think she really gets love. Not love like Connor feels. She looked like I was trying to sell her a bottle of water from the Fountain of Youth. Nomi said, “So explain it to me.” I said true love is all-consuming. Connor wants to be with me and to know what I’m doing and thinking every minute of the day. I’m always on his mind. And when we’re not together he worries about what’s happening to me and what could happen to me and what I’m doing or what I could be doing. That’s why he needs to be reassured all the time. Nomi said somebody was confusing love with a fascist dictatorship.

Day 18! Connor says he feels like time has jumped a jet. He must’ve texted me two dozen times today. Just because he could. Once we’re back in school it’ll be a couple first thing in the morning and maybe a couple at lunch and then that’ll be it till the end of the day, because once more we’ll be the prisoners of bureaucratic rules. Ely’s given up making snide comments but he did take my phone when I left it on the counter to wait on someone and started juggling it with a couple of summer squash. To show you just how weird people are, even me, I had a second when I almost wished he’d drop it.

Didn’t dress as Lethal Lettuce today because tonight was Moonlight Walk On The Lake Shore and then crabcakes at the Snack Shack (it’ll be closing next weekend till the spring and it is OUR place) and Connor was picking me up from work. He doesn’t like me in leaves. Ely wanted to know why I wasn’t in costume. I said there was a major meltdown at Casa D’Angelo this morning and I totally forgot. Nose nudging towards Australia. But then Ely said but we’re still doing the filming on Sunday, right? This Sunday? That I really had forgotten. Anyway because I was taken by surprise, and because I felt guilty that I was already lying, I said of course. I’m praying hard for rain. Connor said he was glad to see I’d stopped wearing that stupid costume. I said me too. Nose edging towards western tip of Indonesia.

The moonlight walk was awesome. Romantic. Magical. We saw bats. And heard an owl. And kept stopping to kiss. Connor stumbled a couple of times because it was pretty dark and it isn’t like there’s a sidewalk, but since I’m used to not being able to see where I’m going I did OK. There were a few minutes of terror and anxiety when we thought we saw a bear. Rustling leaves. Large dark shape in the water. (Connor pushed me behind him! How cool is that? I wonder if Jax would do that for Nomi?) Only it turned out to be a St Bernard named Arnold. And to continue our perfect evening, the Snack Shack wasn’t too crowded tonight. And everybody was a couple! It was bliss.

Tonight we had our first double date! It was with Albie and the girl he’s started seeing whose name is Genie (yes, that’s really how she spells it). It made me feel really grown-up, double-dating. Especially since this was only Albie and Genie’s third date, so Connor and I were like an old married couple practically. I knew he’d get extra pepperoni on his pizza. He knew I’d want a slice of lemon in my cola. We had stories of stuff we’d done together to tell them (including how he nearly drowned me on our first date and how I walked into the guy rope at the fair and soaked that poor woman in lemonade). Stuff like that. We were the laughingest table in the restaurant. And the really great thing was I didn’t have to worry about being bored or looking like I was staring at Albie or anything like that, and ruining the evening, because he and Connor talked about tomorrow’s play-off while Genie and I talked about movies and sisters (she has two, too). When he took me home Connor asked what I’m doing tomorrow while he’s running around a dusty field. I said I’m going over to my grandmother’s. He said was I planning to forget my phone? I said yes, because last time she took it away from me.

One and a half lies. Nose resting on Madagascar. Guilt squeezing my heart.

What a day! I suppose I could’ve gotten sick or something and refused to do the filming, but just to prove how difficult people can be – even your very own self – part of me actually wanted to go. It wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong. You know, sneaking off to see another boy. I was sneaking off to spend the day with a carrot. So why should I sit at home letting Zelda beat me at checkers or whatever when I could be doing constructive street theatre and having fun? And anyway I’m getting used to feeling guilty. And I’m getting pretty used to being devious too. I didn’t want the D’Angelos to see me leaving with Louie (and dressed as a head of lettuce) in case they said something to Connor, so I told Louie to pick me up at my gran’s because I had to go over to her house first thing. Of course, I didn’t want my gran seeing me (dressed as a head of lettuce) leaving with Louie either because she might say something to my parents. So I put my costume on in that little copse up the road from Gran’s and then I waited for Louie on her corner, standing on the road side of the Langtree Bakery truck so if she looked out of her window or went out on her lawn she wouldn’t see me. Mr Langtree saw me but he didn’t recognize me. He wanted to know what I thought I was doing. I said I thought I was waiting for my friend. He said to act like a lettuce and leave. So I started walking in the direction I hoped Louie was coming from. A couple of people came out on their porches to watch me, and the chocolate Lab from the house with the bathtub in the front yard started following me. I was just wishing I’d brought my phone so I could see where Louie was when he pulled up beside me. He leaned out of the window and shouted, “Going my way?” Big morning for comedians.

It must be really awful to be a fugitive whose life is nothing but one long lie and complicated deception. If you’re hiding from the FBI or the Mafia or something like that. Even if you change your name and move to another town or another country, what good does it do you? Every time there’s a knock on the door your heart must go into toxic shock. Every time you turn a corner or an aisle in the supermarket you must hold your breath. Just in case. Just in case the person on the other side of the door is a special investigator or a hit man. Just in case the person reading the ingredients on a box of cereal is someone who knows who you really are and is about to start screaming like that woman in Marathon Man when she sees the Nazi torturer strolling through Midtown Manhattan looking like a businessman on his lunch hour. Just in case the person at the door or around that corner is your boyfriend. So even though we were MILES from where Connor’s game was, I was a wreck for the first couple of hours. My heart did that freezing-like-a-deer-in-headlights thing every time I saw a red car or a boy wearing a green baseball cap. And I did a lot of jumping into doorways and behind trucks. (It’s pretty epic how popular red cars and green baseball caps are in Apple Creek.) There must’ve been a really big sale on them a while ago. Ely didn’t seem to notice how jiggy I was. But Louie kept giving me looks. When Ely went to get some water Louie wanted to know what was wrong with me. He said I was like a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I said he was letting his imagination carry him over the farthest hill and into a magical land of illusion as usual. I just wasn’t used to being in the middle of a town dressed as a lettuce. Eventually, when none of the cars or caps turned out to be attached to Connor, I relaxed a little. I wouldn’t say I had as much fun as Mrs Claws does with a crumpled ball of paper, but I had patches when I enjoyed myself so much I forgot about him for minutes at a time. And I relaxed so much that when Louie asked if he was driving me home or if I wanted to be dropped off in some stranger’s driveway I said of course I wanted him to drive me home. But I slouched down in my seat. Louie said, “You know, if you want you can ride in the trunk and I’ll let you out when we get there.” I said I had no idea what he was talking about. I was just tired. But I was pretty glad when we pulled into Lebanon Road. I’d done it! My nose might be moving into the Middle East but I’d spent the day with Louie and Ely, and Connor hadn’t found out. That bubble of relief lasted for as long as it took me to get out of the car and walk up to the house. Because the second I stepped through the door, Zelda said Grandma wanted me to call her. Right away. I said, “Grandma? Grandma called me?” I had a really bad feeling. Up until then the President of the United States had called me as many times as my grandmother. And he never sounded urgent. I phoned her right back. Gran said she figured I’d want to know that Connor had called her about half an hour ago wanting to talk to me. You know, because I told him that was where I’d be. OHMYGOD. My life was over. My dreams were ashes blown out to a cold and unforgiving sea. I was going to have to join some cloistered religious order and devote my life to good works to make up for all the hurt I caused. And then my gran said, “I told him you’d just left.” I said you did? She said, “I trust you even if other people don’t.” If she hadn’t been on the other end of a piece of plastic I would’ve kissed her. Vicki D’Angelo, World’s Number One Grandmother.

Connor said I gave him my gran’s phone number. I said no I didn’t. He said yes you did. Don’t you remember? How could I remember when I didn’t give it to him? He said yes you did, Hildy. Did I? Am I really and truly losing my mind? Because if you think about it, I must’ve given it to him. She’s not listed. How else would he get it? And why? I mean if he wanted her number, he’d ask me. So I am losing my mind. Or this is very early senility creeping in?

If there is a Hell, am I going to go there for being a person whose grandmother lies for her? Will I be the sinner there with the longest nose?

Max got back from the world of arts and crafts and mosquito bites on Saturday. Cristina says he looks exactly the same except darker and with a scar where he got hit by an arrow. She was really glad to see him. And vice versa. I said wasn’t he worried that you might date somebody else while he was away? She said no. I said and you weren’t worried that he might date somebody else while he was away? She said no. I said why not? Cristina said why bother worrying about what might happen? It wouldn’t stop it from happening. All it would do is make her unhappy. And then she’d make him unhappy. And then he probably would start looking around. Cristina said and anyway, if Max did cheat on her, then there’d be plenty of time to be miserable. And to make him feel really, really bad.

As soon as they got home from work, I went over to give Louie’s parents the frame I got them for their anniversary. I had a terrific picture of Louie, Scorsese and Hitchcock all sitting in Mr Masiado’s chair (Scorsese and Hitchcock are wearing Santa hats and Louie’s wearing antlers) so I put that in it. They loved it. Mr Masiado held it up and said, “Who would’ve thought when I asked Rose if she wanted to go to the movies she’d someday give birth to Bambi?” Louie and Mrs Masiado both groaned and rolled their eyes. I asked them what they think the secret of their long and happy marriage is. Mr Masiado said Mrs Masiado. Mrs Masiado said she figured she married the right man. Louie said, “You see? They can’t even agree on that!” They were going out for dinner but Louie’d baked them a cake and they insisted I have a piece with them. We were all sitting in the living room, tucking into our slices, when this face suddenly appeared pressing against the screen door like something out of a horror movie. Mr Masiado screamed and dropped his plate. It was Connor. He wanted to know if I forgot he was picking me up. I said of course not. Didn’t my mom tell him that I wanted to give the Masiados their anniversary present before we went out? He said yes, but not loudly. So I had to take my cake with me. I thought it was going to be one of those Connor-impersonates-a-brick-wall nights but instead he said he was sorry for scaring Mr Masiado. He’d forgotten about the anniversary. When my mother said I was across the street he’d thought I was hanging out with Louie. Connor said, “You know how I get. I can’t help it.” But he is getting better. He apologized. And he wasn’t mad at me. You see? Love will save the day!

On Saturday, Mr Donnegal, the Dashers’ coach, is having a mighty end-of-summer party for them. Everybody’s invited. Including me. All the guys are bringing dates. Connor says he can’t wait to show me off. What am I going to wear? I don’t have a clue!

It was kind of quiet on the stand today. Ely and I did some juggling and talked. Just about regular stuff. Yakyakyak. He was really funny about some disaster dates he’s had. I guess I get a little nervous sometimes when I’m talking to Connor in case I say the wrong thing so it was nice just to say whatever came into my head. Until some evil spirit rose up from the general pollution and infected my brain because all of a sudden I heard myself asking Ely if he’d ever been jealous. I couldn’t believe I said that. Talk about having a big mouth. Why did I ask him that? He said jealous of what? I said oh you know. Just in general. He said you mean jealous of people who don’t drive 15-year-old pick-up trucks? Or of people who are under seven feet tall? I said forget it. He said are we talking about Connor? I said of course not. Connor doesn’t have a jealous corpuscle in his whole body. He’s caring, loving and protective, but he’s definitely not jealous. Ely cocked his head to one side like he wanted to see me from a different angle. He said, “So are we talking about you? You go around reading Connor’s emails and checking his phone messages? I had no idea you counted espionage among your many talents, Hildy.” I said yeah. And when I have nothing else to do I put on a blonde wig and a false nose and I go to Café Olé! to see who he’s talking to. Ely said I guess he’d recognize you if you went as a lettuce. We couldn’t stop laughing. But later I remembered what Ely had said and I wondered if that’s what Connor does. Not the blonde wig and the nose. The emails and messages. Is that how he knew where Gran lives? And then I couldn’t believe I’d thought that. Now who’s being paranoid? I wonder when I’m going to start becoming a better person.

Connor says not to worry about what I’m wearing to the party. He says I always look good, no matter what. I said you’ve never seen me with terminal bedhead or when I’ve had the flu or you wouldn’t say that. And I look kind of jaundiced in anything yellow. He said I could wear dungarees and waders and my hair could look like it’s been electrocuted and I’d still look great to him. (How sweet is that?) Nomi doesn’t believe him. She said she once answered the door to Jax when she was hennaing her hair (she thought he was her mother), and he didn’t say, “Oh my darling Nomi you still look beautiful to me even with what looks like blood dripping down your face and a GAP bag over your head.” He screamed.

I’ve come up with a new theory. I call it the There’ll Be Another Train In A Few Seconds Theory Of Worry. Because as soon as I stopped worrying about how to convince Gus to lend me that peach silk shirt for the party, I thought of a couple of things I might want to worry about even more. I mean, it is a party. I’ve never been in a really big group of people with Connor before, but I don’t have a good feeling about it. Everybody’s going to be shining like sparklers. Laughing. Dancing. Fooling around. Flirting. Even if they’re not really flirting they’ll look like they are. Connor says it doesn’t matter what I wear, but I BEG TO DIFFER. All the girls are going to be dressed up like birthday cakes. Only I can’t wear some filmy top or skimpy skirt like everybody else. Connor’ll think I’m trying to attract other boys. Especially if he sees anybody actually looking at me. And I can’t possibly talk to people. Not in a party kind of way. Especially not boy people. With boys I have to stick to hi. And I can’t look at them. Not for more than a second or two. But the place will be full of boys. How can I not look at them? How can I not talk to them? What am I going to do? Sit next to Connor wearing baggy jeans and a sweatshirt and looking at the floor? I can’t spend the night in the bathroom. Can I? Would that even be possible?

None of my party clothes are going to work. They’re either too short, too tight, too thin, or too little. Gus was going shopping so since Connor was busy I went with her. I figured that if Connor did see me out with my sister at least I had a good excuse. She acted like me going with her was the human equivalent of Halley’s Comet. Something you only see every 75 years if the visibility’s good. I said I didn’t know what she was making such a major musical production about. It’s not like I’ve never gone shopping with her before. She said this summer it is. She said she’s asked me tons of times and I always act like she’s trying to lure me into the forest to leave me there for wild animals to eat. Maybe I should go shopping with Gus more often. We had a really good time. She’s pretty much to fashion what Sherlock Holmes is to crime. She can tell you in half a second whether that top is going to make your neck look too long or whether that colour makes you look like you need a blood transfusion. She picked out a couple of things for me that I have to admit were immensely flattering and cool – a sundress, a blouse and a skirt – but I rejected them all. The dress and the skirt were too short. Gus said, “Too short for what? You’re not hiking through the tall grass in them. You’re going to a party.” Not in one of those. The blouse was too gauzy. “That’s why they invented the cami top, Hildy.” Right, one step up from a bra. Connor’d love that. But even though I vetoed all her suggestions, we were getting along so well that I asked her if she’d ever gone out with anyone who was jealous. She said, “Jealous?” like it was a word I just made up. I told her about the Countess and how gorgeous she was and what she’d said about her husband never getting jealous. I said I wondered if guys ever got jiggy about Gus because she looks like she does. Gus said just one guy gave her a hard time. Barry Lincoln. She said she ignored it at first because she didn’t see him that much and she had a brain-addling crush on him, but then one night they were at a party and he had a nervous breakdown because he found her talking to some other boy. Gus said it was monumental. Barry was yelling and screaming and shoving the other guy. And then he hauled him off to deck him. I said what did you do? Gus dumped a bowl of sour-cream dip over Barry’s head and went home. She never spoke to Barry again. He didn’t apologize? She said oh he apologized. But what did that do? If you wipe out an entire village and then say how sorry you are, those people are all still dead.

Went over to Connor’s and watched a disaster movie. Disaster movies are cool because if you get involved with kissing you never really feel like you missed anything.

Connor says there are going to be way over a hundred people at the party on Saturday. That seems a bit excessive. There aren’t a hundred people on the team. Not even close. But Coach Donnegal’s invited all the local players whether they’re Clashers or Timber Wolves or whatever.

I put orange juice on my cereal this morning. I nearly hit Green Pick-up Guy with a zucchini while Ely and I were showing him the double-turn cascade this afternoon. And Ely thinks I packed his sunglasses in with somebody’s vegetables. He said he knew I’d bite his head off for asking, but since he doesn’t want any more of his possessions to end up in someone’s soup were there storm clouds over Paradise or did Zelda whack me in the head with one of her larger dinosaurs again? I said the sun was shining on the garden of love and that Zelda’s been remarkably non-violent lately. Then I told him about the party. He said he’d never heard of anyone being worried about going to a party before. What’s to worry about? You go, you eat your weight in snacks, you dance, you argue with people about what music to play next, and you go home. I said oh you know. He said no he didn’t think he did. I muttered about meeting all these new people and how stressful it is. He said remember when you were a friendly, outgoing extrovert who enjoyed talking to everyone, no matter how bizarre or difficult they were? Was I?

Today was Connor’s last day at work so he picked me up from the stand. I should never have said anything about him not liking Ely because even though I still had twenty minutes left of my shift he wouldn’t get out of the car. I noticed Ely didn’t bother waving or anything either. Connor just sat there watching us. Like an FBI agent doing surveillance. Only we knew he was there of course. It made me feel really self-conscious. Ely said I could leave early. He said he felt like he was holding me against my will. Like he was Juliet’s father making her finish doing the dishes when poor Romeo was under the balcony waiting for her.

Went over to Connor’s. He was putting together a play list for the party on his iPod. There are a lot of songs the whole team likes. And then there are songs that different players like. And Coach Donnegal has a thing about Bruce Springsteen. Connor said the last big party he went to he was dating this girl who spent the whole night making eye contact with some guy from another team. Connor finally got so fed up that he dragged her across the room and shoved her at him. Then he went home. He hasn’t been to a party since. But he’s really looking forward to this one. Because of me. I feel like the Leader of the Free World. It’s a big responsibility. What if I accidentally lead the Free World into a nuclear war?

Migraine. I went. I saw. I vomited. Will write more if I survive.

I’m much better today, but last night I thought there were about five hundred very small devils with pitchforks and incredibly sharp hooves inside my head and they were all trying to stab and kick their way out. I wasn’t sick when we first got to the party. I had a little headache but I figured that was just nerves. Otherwise I was OK. Connor and I held hands. Every time he introduced me to someone I’d say, hi, nice to meet you, whatever, and then the guy would introduce his date and she’d say, hi, nice to meet you, and then the two of us would smile at each other while the boys talked about softball or whatever. If Connor introduced me to someone who wasn’t with a girl, I’d say, hi, nice to meet you, and then I’d look at Connor while the two of them talked about softball or whatever. I kept squeezing Connor’s hand so he’d glance over and see me looking at him. And then Albie and Genie came over. I guess it was such a relief to have somebody I could talk to without him getting mad at me that I got involved with Genie and forgot to keep looking at Connor, and when I did he wasn’t there. Genie thought he and Albie went for something to eat. She said it’s not like they’re going to get lost. They’ll be back. But I went to look for Connor anyway. Which was harder than you’d think. It was like trying to get through the woods without seeing any trees. People I knew and people I didn’t know kept trying to talk to me in a friendly, hey-it’s-a-party kind of way. I kept nodding and smiling and pushing past them. I was about a hundred miles out of the town of Nervous and steaming into the city of Panic. Every time someone said something to me I looked around to see if Connor was watching. Was this girl an obvious flirt? Was this guy putting the moves on me? And when some guy actually grabbed my hand and tried to dance, I pulled away so fast he ricocheted off the table behind him. It looked like it was snowing potato chips. I finally found Connor out on the deck, eating a hamburger and talking to Coach Donnegal and some of the other guys on the team. I slipped my arm through his and leaned against him. But by then the devils were already in my head. And the longer I stood there, smiling and looking at Connor, the more enthusiastic they got with hurling their pitchforks around and kick-boxing my eyeballs. It was like a really tiny devils’ jamboree. It was Coach Donnegal who noticed I’d turned green. He wanted to know if I was all right. Albie’s mother gets migraines so he’s something of an expert. He wanted to know if I was going to throw up. I could only nod. After I was sick Connor took me home. He was really worried. He kept patting my hand as he drove and telling me I was going to be all right. He went back to the party but he called my mother five times on the landline to make sure I was OK. That’s how worried he was. He said he’s never seen anybody actually turn green before. I was almost sorry I missed it.

I stayed in bed yesterday (even Zelda tiptoed around like she was impersonating a mouse, so I must’ve been sicker than I thought). I slept on and off the whole day. And I had a lot of weird dreams that I don’t really remember but they left me feeling kind of sad. Like I’d lost something but I didn’t know what. So even though I felt OK today I decided to take it really easy. Nomi came over and we sat out on the new really-a-deck-at-last and listened to music and talked. She said she didn’t know I got migraines. I said I didn’t. Not until Saturday. She said this really is a summer of firsts for you, isn’t it? First date. First kiss. First boyfriend. First killer headache from hell. I said don’t forget it’s also the first time I’ve dressed as a head of lettuce. Zelda came out and wanted to know what was so funny.

Connor came over tonight. He brought me a get-well present. It’s a necklace – a silver heart with our initials engraved on it. He said he was so worried about me yesterday that he went to the jewellery store at the mall during his lunch hour and bought it for me. (How ROMANTIC is that?) We sat out on the really-a-deck, which is much better than sitting on the porch because there’s nobody to see you kissing. Until Gus and Abe Zimmerman showed up. Gus said they had decided to officially open the new deck. Just in time for winter. They had a pack of those Chinese sky lanterns to send off into the night. You’re supposed to make a wish. So of course everybody came out to light a lantern and make a wish. My mom was afraid we were going to start a fire but even Zelda got her lantern in the air without torching Lebanon Road. When we were finally alone again Connor wanted to know what my wish was. I said you can’t tell your wish or it won’t come true. He said he bet it was the same thing he wished. Since anyone who isn’t me who so much as glances at this diary will immediately be struck down by a bolt of lightning I can say here that I doubt that. I wished I never have a migraine again. Ever. But I didn’t say that to Connor. I didn’t want to ruin the love mood. I said that wasn’t much of a bet. And then we melted into each other’s arms. Bliss.

Connor wanted to know what I’m going to do while he’s away. What I’m doing from Friday is staying with Nomi because there’s a big Labor Day old junk convention and her parents are leaving her alone again, and on Sunday the other girls are coming over for a pyjama party. Not that I told Connor any of that. I said, “Not much.” I said we’re having the inaugural barbecue on the new deck on Labor Day, but otherwise I’ll just be hanging around the house. Psyching myself up for going back to school. Missing him. Hoping he doesn’t fall in the river or get stabbed with a hook. Sending him texts and emails he won’t get until he gets back to civilization.

I told Connor what the Countess said about dancing on the silver clouds of love. He thought it was great. So he declared tonight Dancing On The Silver Clouds Of Love Night. Otherwise known as sitting on the deck watching YouTube videos. We were having such a good time that I forgot to be careful and said he had to see the one Louie and I did of Hitchcock and Scorsese arguing over who was going to sit in Mr Masiado’s chair. Connor checked the time. He said he had a lot to do tomorrow and he better get going. I felt like a little kid whose balloon suddenly popped.

Is it possible that love means always feeling like you’ve done something wrong?

Our LAST NIGHT TOGETHER of the summer. We went to his secret beach. Connor brought a picnic. He even brought candles! We wrote I LOVE YOU in the sand surrounded by a big heart. He’d put some of our favourite songs on his iPod and we sat listening to them while we watched the sun go down. The candles kept blowing out. And it started to rain. But we still had a great time.

Lovelovelove…

Ely wanted to know what was wrong with me today. I said, “Nothing.” And there wasn’t. I was in a really good mood. If I was corn I’d be popping. He said that was what he meant. I wasn’t jumpy. Or moody. Or quiet. Or preoccupied. Or acting like we’d never been introduced. I said probably I was in such a good mood because after this week I’ll only see him on Saturdays. That would put anybody’s spirits over the satellite dish. He threw a pattypan squash at me but I caught it and threw it back. Next thing you know we were walking around the table doing cascades and fountains. A couple of cars stopped to watch. Later Broccoli Man came by. But he left the car door open and while he was trying to pick out exactly one pound of carrots Monsanto the killer cat got in. Broccoli Man didn’t notice till he got in himself and started to pull out. I don’t know which of them screamed louder. He drove into the fence. Ely and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Went over to Louie’s tonight. He said to what do I owe this honour? If I’d thought about what to say before saying it, I would’ve said I’d decided to take pity on him. But I didn’t. I said I missed him. Which is true. When my head wasn’t hurting so much and I could actually think again, I’d been thinking about Louie a lot while I was recovering from the migraine. He said it’s not like he moved or anything. I said yeah, well, you know. He said yeah, he did know. He said he missed me, too.

It’s been all systems go since I got to Nomi’s. I had to come over at the crack of dawn for the big briefing because, since they’re not back till Monday night, Mr Slevka wanted to make really sure we knew what to do if there was a tornado or a wolf attack or something like that. He made a list of things we MUST DO before we leave the house or go to bed, and we’re supposed to check everything off on it each time. The good news is that he had an expert come and look at the alarm so at least we don’t have to worry about Mr Janofski making any sudden marine landings in the living room. Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Mrs S taped a sheet of emergency numbers on the door of the refrigerator. She said it’s the one place we’re guaranteed to see it. She has every number on it except the Pentagon’s. I swear. She even has my parents’ number on it. I said I’m not ET, I can manage to call home, Mrs Slevka. She said that’s what you say now. We slouched around most of the morning but then we went into town for lunch. It took us an hour and a half to leave the house because of Mr Slevka’s checklist. Nomi figures it’s easier to get out of a high-security prison. We were going to the diner but Cristina and Max were in the Bear Café so we went in there. Max had us falling off our chairs with his stories of camp life. I never knew how funny poison ivy can be! After lunch me and Nomi wandered around town. Ran into some kids from school who were wandering around too. Hung out with them for a while comparing rumours. (Did Ms Veber really marry a forest ranger and leave Redbank? Did Mr Donough become a monk? Are they going to make us wear uniforms?) Then we stopped by Maggie’s. Sara was there. She’d had a fight with Kruger so she was hiding out at the Pryces’. The four of us ended up playing a hysterical game of Pictionary. Mrs Pryce felt sorry for me and Nomi having to microwave our own meal so she asked us to stay for supper. There was no sign of Mr Pryce or the barbecue so we figured it was safe. It was late by the time we got back to the Casa Slevka. It wasn’t until I was brushing my teeth that I realized I don’t have my phone! It seems impossible but it’s true. I was in such a hurry this morning that I left it charging in my room. I haven’t thought of it all day. Or of Connor! How amazing is that?

It was really hot and muggy so we went to the mall with Cristina and Sara. Got things for school. Then Nomi and I picked up some stuff for tomorrow and went over to Casa D’Angelo for supper. My mom had made lasagne. You don’t want to miss my mom’s lasagne even if you’re living the dream with Nomi. And I wanted to pick up my phone. Of course. I’d promised Connor I’d text him even if he couldn’t get them till he was on his way back. Wound up playing cards for hours with the whole family. Including Gus and Abe. But my phone’s disappeared! How is that possible? I know exactly where I left it. It was right there, attached to the charger. Zelda swears she didn’t touch it. I said so who did? One of your dinosaurs? She wanted to know why she gets blamed for everything. Nobody else touched it either. (Of course.) Mom thinks I must’ve taken it off the charger and put it somewhere when I was rushing around so much. I said I don’t remember that. She said well that’s the point. I said well I guess it’s either that or the ghost. My dad drove us back to Nomi’s.

3 A.M.

Major thunderstorm, but that’s not what woke us. What woke us was the alarm. Nomi thinks somebody was trying to get in. You know, because Mr Slevka had the expert come and she said it’s working the way it’s supposed to. I said experts are wrong all the time. They’re so wrong it’s amazing anybody ever listens to them. And even if the expert was right, I figure the storm could’ve set it off. I mean it’s all electricity, isn’t it? But Nomi said she heard things. I said of course you hear things. It’s an old house and everything’s rattling because of the wind and the rain. You can’t walk across the bathroom without hearing the floorboards creak ten minutes later. She said she didn’t mean the rattling or the creaking. She meant an intruder. She wouldn’t stop till we had checked every window and door twice. Then she wanted to look in every closet and cupboard. I said it’s not like somebody’s going to hide behind the canned vegetables, Nomi. She said why not? Maybe it’s a trained robber monkey. Did I think of that? The weird thing is that by the time we’d checked out anything with hinges that opens (including the piano) I was as wound up as Nomi. A branch or something bounced off the window and I nearly went into cardiac arrest. I said it’s just like jealousy, isn’t it? Nomi wanted to know what was just like jealousy. I said thinking there’s an intruder. The more you think about it the more you convince yourself. It keeps building like a snowball till if you see a coin on the floor you think the burglar dropped it. Nomi asked how I knew that was just like being jealous. I said it’s called using your imagination. They are both about being paranoid. It’s not that big a leap. Nomi said, “Are we talking about Connor Bowden here?” I said that it’s not really jealousy with Connor. She said making you take pictures of yourself in closets? Checking up that you’re really where you said you’d be? That’s not jealousy? I said no. It may look like that, but it isn’t. She said what is it? I said love. But sometimes he gets a little carried away. Nomi said, “You’re wrong, Hildy. It isn’t love, it’s jealousy.”

Everybody else has finally crashed but I can’t sleep. It’s been the most incredible night. So incredible that I don’t even know where to start. So I guess I’ll start with Maggie, Cristina and Sara coming over. That was just before it began storming again. We decided to sleep in the family room in the basement because it was way hot and humid again today and it’s cooler down there. Plus there’s enough room for all the sleeping bags and for us to spread out. And there’s a bathroom and a mini fridge. So we don’t have to keep going upstairs or downstairs for stuff. We listened to music and played ping-pong. Then we played cards. Then we ordered pizza. After that we were ready to hunker down and watch a couple of movies. Maggie was doing Nomi’s nails. Cristina was crimping Sara’s hair. Typical slumber party. We were having so much fun that none of us could understand why it was the first time we’d done it all summer. (And now it was the last time we’d do it all summer.) Anyway, we were on our first intermission when Nomi thought she heard something. I said oh no, not again. She told me to shush. She turned down the music. We couldn’t hear anything but the storm really. At least Maggie, Cristina, Sara and I couldn’t hear anything. Cristina said anyway, old houses creak more than rusty swings. Nomi said it didn’t sound like her old house creaking, it sounded like someone trying to get in. Sara said so let them try. You have the alarm. Nomi and I looked at each other. It was one of those uh-oh looks. We hadn’t put the alarm on yet. The pizza man came and we ate. And then we were talking and recovering from pizza bloat. And then we started the DVD. So we hadn’t done the whole routine with the checklist and everything. You know, because it takes hours and we wanted to hang out, not lock up Fort Knox. We were going to do that later. I said maybe we should put it on now. Then it’ll be done. Nomi said what if there’s already somebody up there? I didn’t think there was. I said it’s not like we left the front door wide open. We locked it. We just didn’t put the alarm on. And everything else was locked. Nomi said was it? After we opened the living-room windows to get a breeze, did we lock them again? I couldn’t remember. But probably we did. It’s the kind of thing you do automatically. Turn off the stove. Turn off the iron. Lock the windows. I said you’re winding yourself up again. There isn’t anybody up there. I was sure of it. And then we heard what could definitely be somebody shutting the window they’d opened that we didn’t lock. Nomi turned the music off completely. Sara whispered that they were going up the stairs. Cris whispered that she didn’t hear anything. Maggie poked her to be quiet. That time, I did hear something that could’ve been someone – or someones – crossing the living room. The only light we’d left on was in the kitchen so they were going really slowly. And then we all heard someone trip over that extra step when you reach the hall. We didn’t know what to do. Go up after them? Flee? Maggie said we should lock the basement door and call the police. But the basement door doesn’t lock since the time Mrs Slevka got trapped when she was doing the laundry. So Nomi called the police. We couldn’t hear their side of the conversation but Nomi kept saying, “Well, no… Well, no, we—” and sighing and rolling her eyes, so we figured they weren’t going to send 16 squad cars with their sirens shrieking any time soon. I said we should go up and set off the alarm because that would freak them out and bring Mr Janofski running. Everybody thought that was a great idea. Sara thought we should have weapons. Some blunt, heavy objects. But Nomi said we wanted to surprise and disable whoever it was, not actually kill them. She dashed into the utility room and came back with a clutch of spray cans. Starch. Air freshener. Cleaners. Armed, we tiptoed up the stairs. Only when we got to the door that leads into the kitchen we could hear footsteps coming back downstairs. I guess because I’ve been lying so much that I’m used to thinking quickly when adrenalin is galloping through my blood system, I felt strangely calm. I told Nomi to go out the back and get Mr Janofski and his bare hands. The rest of us crept back to the basement. What were the chances they’d come down there? If they were smart, they were going to go through the living room and the study and grab cameras and laptops and stuff like that. And then they’d run. But just in case for some bizarre reason they figured the Slevkas kept their valuables in the cellar, we lined up on either side of the stairs, cans at the ready. It seemed like hours passed while we waited to be rescued by either the marine or the police. And then the door to the basement opened. We all stopped breathing. A lone figure stood on the top step for a minute or two. We couldn’t actually see him, but we could feel him. We had a light on so I guess he was listening for voices. I signalled to Sara and Maggie that we’d jump him on the count of three. He started down. I held up one finger. He reached the middle. Two. He stepped into the basement. Three! We jumped out spraying and screaming. Nomi and Mr Janofski must’ve been pretty close behind him because when he tried to run back up the stairs, he ran straight into Mr Janofski in his pyjamas and robe. Mr Janofski said, “Well, what do we have here?” And all of us answered at once, “It’s Connor!” As far as I can remember, we all sounded surprised.

I have to crash now. More tomorrow. When maybe it’ll all make more sense.

It doesn’t. Make more sense. Nomi, Maggie, Cristina, Sara and I all agree on that. When we woke up we all looked at each other and Sara said, “We didn’t have some communal nightmare, did we? It did really happen.” Nomi said as bright, creative and imaginative as we all are, we couldn’t have made up last night. And who could?

So back to what happened. The police arrived while I was still explaining to Mr Janofski that what we had there was my boyfriend, not an unknown intruder. Mr Janofski wasn’t too impressed. He didn’t let go of Connor. He said, “This is your boyfriend? Your boyfriend broke into your friend’s house?” He said it more than once. Then the police showed up. They were a lot less interested than Mr Janofski. They thought it was just teenagers fooling around and they gave us all a caution about wasting their time and left. But there was no way Mr Janofski was going to keep his mouth shut and we knew it. We knew it because he said, “I’ll have to tell your parents, Nomi. You know that, don’t you?” Nomi said, “Oh don’t worry, Mr Janofski. I’ll tell them myself.” She was glaring at Connor. I wondered if she’d always disliked him so much. After Mr Janofski marched back across the lawn, Nomi, Maggie, Cristina and Sara all went inside while Connor explained to me less vaguely than he had in front of the others what he was doing climbing in through the Slevkas’ window when he was supposed to be camping by a river. What happened was that the Bowden men came back early from their fishing trip because Connor’s granddad’s gout started acting up. Connor called me on the landline while he and his dad were driving back but of course I wasn’t there. Zelda answered. I figure he was already a little charged up because he expected to find all these messages from me when he could get a signal again and there wasn’t one. Zelda told him I was at a party at Nomi’s. If she said “pyjama party” he didn’t hear that part. But he definitely heard the “Nomi” and the “party” parts. He knew it! He’d been right all along. Women can’t be trusted. I told him I’d be sitting at home missing him, but the minute he turned his back I was partying with my friends. So he came right over. He wanted to catch me in the act. Not the act where I was dancing and eating pretzels without him. The act where I was with another guy. It didn’t discourage him for even a blink when he got to the Slevkas’ and there weren’t any signs of a party. He figured we were all making out in the dark. That’s why he broke in like that. I asked him if he realized how much he’d scared us? For all we knew he was armed and dangerous. We were terrified. He said he didn’t mean to scare us. How could he? He didn’t think we were there all by ourselves watching a movie. He thought we were having a party. With lots of boys. I said and did he realize how much he’d embarrassed me? Having your boyfriend break into your best friend’s house makes him look crazy and you look like a fool. He said he didn’t mean to embarrass me either. It was just that he was really worried. I said that if a person was so worried, he would knock on the door. He said not necessarily. I said and anyway he did mean to embarrass me. He thought he was going to make a big scene and humiliate me in front of EVERYBODY. Connor said, “Well, I was mad.” I said he wasn’t the only one. And I marched back into the house and slammed the door. Set off the alarm and it wasn’t even on.

Nomi said I should never have given Connor her address. I said I didn’t. She said, “Oh. You think Zelda did?” I said Zelda’s lucky to know her own address never mind somebody else’s.

My phone was exactly where I’d left it when I got home this morning. Nobody knows anything about where it was or how it managed to put itself back in my room and plug itself in. I believe that Zelda and my dad had nothing to do with it. Zelda would’ve destroyed it somehow if she’d taken it. And my dad wouldn’t interfere like that unless I was a car. That leaves my mom and Gus. They’re like Batman and Robin when it comes to interfering (only without the masks and the Batmobile). Which, considering how Connor acted, may not be such a bad thing.

So it was the big inaugural barbecue today. Everybody came. Gran said she heard what happened with Connor. I pretended to be shocked and astounded by this. She said she was glad to see I was taking it with my usual good humour. She said it sounded like we girls had been very brave and level-headed. That was just what Mr Janofski said. He said we should all consider joining the marines. Gran said you know it’s not healthy for either of you, when someone’s so possessive and controlling. I had to ask. I said, “Is that why you lied for me when I told him I was with you and I wasn’t?” Gran said yes. She said love is about trust, not fear. (My mom and Gus aren’t the only caped crusaders in the family.) Then she wanted to know what I’m going to do. I said you mean am I going to join the marines? She said no, Hildegard. About Connor. I said I didn’t know. Which is true. One minute I never want to speak to him again, and the next I’m remembering some sweet thing he did or funny thing he said and feeling bad. Should I follow my heart or my head? Sometimes I think heart, because the heart’s about feelings. Other times I think head, because it’s my feelings that got me into this mess. Gran said maybe I could follow both of them.

Needless to say, Gran wasn’t the only person who’d heard what happened. You can’t pull a stunt like that and think Nomi, Maggie, Sara and Cristina won’t tell everybody they ever met. I could tell all the guys knew because they were all super nice to me and goofing around trying to make me laugh. But only Ely and Louie came out and said anything. Ely said he’s still available if I want to talk. His office is open any hour of the day or night, and his services include juggling lessons and stupid jokes. I said thanks. Louie gave me a DVD he’d put together to cheer me up. He said, “Don’t worry, Hildy. My offer to marry you if we’re still single when we hit 40 is still on the table.” I said that made me feel a lot better.

Connor’s called and texted me 16 times today. He wants us to talk but I told him I need a few days chill time before I see him again. You don’t go on a diet and then walk straight into a bakery. Connor’s really really sorry. Really. Nomi says he should be. Connor says he knows what he did was really stupid (let’s not leave out illegal, too) but he only did it because he loves me so much. Does he? Is that what love means to Connor? Not the breaking and entering, the not trusting me to even cross the street without trying to betray him. If you follow that logic the next thing is to lock me up in a cage. Nomi’s wrong – electronic tagging wouldn’t be good enough. He’d know where I am, but he wouldn’t know what I’m doing. Or with who. It would make him go nuts.

Was feeling a little like you do after Christmas. All that build-up and excitement and running around and then you’re left with a pile of dead pine needles on the floor and a bag full of used wrapping paper. Couldn’t stop thinking about Connor. So I watched Louie’s DVD. It’s all clips of videos he made of the Mob over the last few years. The Christmas we all went to chop down our own trees. (And discovered that if the settling of America had depended on us, we’d still be living on ships in the harbour.) The Halloween party where everyone came as their favourite movie character and Scorsese came as the lion in The Wizard of Oz. (He ate his mane.) The time we went tubing. The time Ely’s pick-up set itself on fire. Nomi trying to carry her hundred-pound pumpkin. Grady asleep on the porch. Ely and me dressed as vegetables. All stuff like that. It definitely cheered me up.

I’m actually happy to be back at school. I think because it’s so normal. I almost feel like I’ve been in some bizarre country all summer eating crickets and riding around on wildebeests, where I didn’t really get the rules. And now I’m back in the land of pizza and automobiles and I know what to expect. So even though it’s boring and about as exotic as cornflakes, it’s kind of a relief.

Connor still texting. He says I owe it to him to give him another chance. So he did something stupid. Everybody makes mistakes. And of course that’s totally true. People do stupid things all the time. I’m surrounded by people who are always doing stupid things. I do stupid things. But what Connor did wasn’t in the same league as setting fire to something when you barbecue. Or dressing up like a carrot. Or backing into the mailbox. Or even putting all your dinosaurs in the washing machine. What Connor did was wrong. The really weird thing is I don’t feel that mad at him any more. Not that mad. I kind of feel more tired than angry. I told him I’ll meet him on Friday after school.

It’s not just the breaking and entering that was wrong. How can you love somebody if you can’t trust him? How can he love you if he doesn’t trust you?

Nomi says “love” is obviously one of those words that means different things to different people. Like “fun”. Or “important”. Maybe boys shouldn’t come with a manual. Maybe they should come with a dictionary.

Ten texts, five emails and a message on my Facebook page saying Please, please, please from Connor. I’m not answering, but not because I’m not tempted. I keep imagining him saying Please, please, please and the look on his face when I say I forgive him. That smile. Like just seeing me makes him happy. Only then I see that other look on his face. The one when he’s mad at me for nothing. And it’s like just seeing him makes me unhappy.

Part of me just wants to forget it all and go back to the way things were with Connor. Or at least the way I thought they were. But then I start thinking about the way things really were. Thinking’s like potato chips. The more you do of it, the more you want to do. When you open a bag of chips and you swear you’re only going to have a handful and instead you eat the whole thing. I can’t seem to stop. Thinking, not eating potato chips. So now even the things I thought were OK or pretty normal are starting to look not OK and nowhere near normal. Like the way Connor always checked to see if I was where I said I’d be. How he just popped up at pottery and yoga and Gran’s like that. People disappearing on me from Facebook. Connor having a pretty good working knowledge of my addresses and phone numbers. (He must’ve spent practically as much time on my phone and in my email account as I do.) And getting all warped if I saw my friends. I thought I understood about him being jiggy and everything but now I’m not sure I do. He’s the only person I know who acts like that. (Well, him and Barry Lincoln I guess.) I’m not saying there aren’t other people like that, just that I don’t know them. The Mob guys might get upset if you finished all the cookies, but not if you said hello to a kid in your art class. It’s embarrassing, Connor not wanting me to see my friends. Especially since I’m pretty sure they all knew. Comments have been made. And if they didn’t know before the break-in, they sure as sunset know now. I can’t decide which of us is the biggest dope. Connor or me. Do I really want to go back to that?

But it wasn’t all sulks and silence and me walking into things. What about all the good times we had? All the fun? We had a lot of fun. We had really good times. When I wasn’t bouncing up and down on the rusty trampoline of love, I was definitely dancing on its silver clouds. That’s my problem. I can’t forget all that. So one minute I feel like if I’d caught him coming in the Slevkas’ window I would’ve slammed it down on his fingers. The next minute all I can think of is when we fell in the lake. And our picnics at the secret beach. And how he carried me on his back when I hurt my ankle. And all the sweet or funny things he said and did. Maybe love doesn’t make you a better person. Maybe it does just make you nuts.

Connor sent me a text every hour today. I love you. Every hour. I do believe he thinks he loves me, but like Nomi said, you don’t really know what he means by that. I don’t remember anybody ever defining love as a burning desire to hunt down the other person like you’re an FBI agent and they’re a terrorist. And in all the really romantic scenes I can think of, the guy never says to the girl that now they’re in love she can’t go shopping with her friends or walk down the street with her eyes open any more. He never puts his arms around her and says, “Darling, now that you’re mine you can’t hang out with anybody else ever again. No, not even to go bowling.” Also, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of love giving you migraines.

Goodnight text from Connor. He was watching for falling stars. He said remember all the times we sat out watching them together? And what about all our plans? He misses me and he can’t wait to see me tomorrow. I texted back I miss you too. But I forced myself not to look for any stars dropping out of the sky. I thought I loved him. Do I? If I do love him, does that mean I’m not allowed to like anybody else?

We met in Shep’s Diner. At the back booth. Connor looked great. (Much better than the last time I saw him. Spray starch isn’t really a good look. Not even for someone as cute as he is.) My heart did a double cascade when I saw him. I was so happy that I forgot about being cool for a minute and ran up and kissed him. He kissed me back. I’d almost forgotten how good he smells. I felt like I could’ve stayed in that hug for ever. But we were blocking the aisle, so we had to sit down. Connor tried to pull me into the seat beside him, but I reminded him that we were supposed to be talking. Seriously. Not pretending nothing had happened. So he sat on one side and I sat on the other. He asked how I was and I asked how he was. How school was. All that kind of thing. Then we got down to business. He said again how sorry he is about what happened and how much he’s missed me and how he doesn’t know why he acted like such an idiot. He just can’t seem to help himself. He loves me so much. Sitting there with our feet kind of touching under the table and everything, it was just the way it used to be. I kept thinking that it wasn’t as if we hadn’t had fights before. And we’d always patched things up. Hadn’t we? Like people do. Only there was a difference this time. This time I didn’t feel guilty. Not even a tiny bit. This time I felt that I was completely in the right. I didn’t have any excuses for Connor left. Only Connor didn’t know that. He thought it really was the way it used to be. So after he’d said how sorry he was some more and we’d laughed about Mr Janofski in his pyjamas, I must’ve said I forgave him. Because then he said that none of this would’ve happened if I’d told him the truth about where I was going to be in the first place. He’d been rubbing his foot against mine. I pulled mine away. I said are you saying it was all my fault? Connor said what he was saying was that it wasn’t all his fault. I said I’m not the one who broke into somebody’s house, you know. He said but he wouldn’t have done that if I’d stayed at home like I said I was going to do. Instead of lying. What’s he supposed to do if I lie to him? I can’t really get mad at him for being upset about that. Only it looked like I could. I might have said I forgave him, but I could tell that I was still mad. More than still mad. Now I was mad for all the times that I didn’t get mad, too. All the times he wouldn’t talk to me or was angry over nothing and wouldn’t even tell me what it was. All the times he made me feel like I was a horrible person. It wasn’t just the Slevkas’ he broke into. He broke into my heart. I felt like somebody finally turned the lights on. So at last I could see that I wasn’t where I thought I was at all. I thought I was in some kind of paradise, but really I was in this tiny, dark cell. I didn’t yell or anything, though. Actually, I felt really calm. I said what difference does it make, Connor? I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was hanging out with my friends. What’d you think I was going to do all weekend? Sit in my room? He said yes. That’s what I’d said, and that’s what he thought I was going to do. Like that was perfectly reasonable. I said but if you didn’t get all wound up every time I wanted to hang out with my friends I would’ve told you. He said exactly. I didn’t tell him because if I did he would’ve been upset and then I would’ve stayed home like I should have. I know that puppets aren’t real, so this could never happen, but I felt like I was a puppet who suddenly looked up and noticed the strings and this dude standing over her making them move. And I knew exactly what I had to do. I said, “You know what, Connor? I’ve finally figured out what the difference between a car and a relationship is. Besides the seats and the engine and everything.” I stood up. I think he thought I was going to come around and sit with him because he moved over a little. And he kind of smiled like he thought I was teasing him. “OK, I give up, Hildy. What’s the difference between a car and a relationship?” So I told him. Only a car has a passenger. He wanted to know what that meant. I said it meant that in a relationship both of you are responsible for driving. So even though he acted like a jerk and pushed me around, I didn’t stop him. But I was stopping him now. “We’re done,” I said. “I’m going home. And if you’re interested, I’m spending the night with my friends.” I took the phone he bought me out of my bag and put it on the table. Don’t call me ’cause I won’t call you.

Stayed over at Nomi’s last night. We made chocolate cupcakes and talked till we couldn’t keep our eyes open any more. I said I figured I’d learned more about love from Connor in a couple of months than I’d learned from the whole world in 17 years. But I think I was right that love’s about everything not being mememe. It has to be a partnership. The problem with Connor was that it was all about him. What he wanted. How he felt. Never about me and what I wanted or how I felt. Nomi said, “Excuse me, Hildegard, but isn’t that what I said? That somebody was confusing love with a fascist dictatorship?” Nomi said that maybe in the future I should make all prospective boyfriends take a test before I go out with them. The Hidden Shallows And Murky Depths Test. I said you can’t ask someone if he’s insanely jealous and going to walk off a pier if he thinks you’re looking at some fisherman. She said no, but you could ask if he has a secret desire to wear a military uniform and have people salute him. How hilarious is that? There were a couple of hours after I left Connor in the diner when I thought I might never laugh again. At least not for a really long time. But even though I know I’m going to feel sad for a while, the laughing’s definitely not going to be a problem.