CHAPTER 2

The Dreamy Thing

When Crackersnacker came over for a sleepover, he liked to sleep on a mattress on the floor while Malcolm slept in his bed.

‘Do you ever get the Dreamy Thing?’ Malcolm said from his bed.

‘Yes,’ said Crackersnacker from his mattress on the floor.

There was a long, long, long pause.

‘Is your Dreamy Thing the same as my Dreamy Thing?’ Malcolm said.

‘I don’t know,’ said Crackersnacker.

There was a long, long, long pause.

‘It couldn’t be the same, very same, totally same, anyway,’ said Crackersnacker.

‘Oh,’ said Malcolm.

There was a long, long, long pause. (From now on, you’ll have to imagine these long, long, long pauses. They’ll be there, even if it doesn’t say, ‘long, long, long pause’. You’ll just have to think them.)

‘You see,’ said Crackersnacker, sitting up on his elbow, ‘yesterday I had a burger at Barbecue Bob’s Burger Bar and you didn’t. So you haven’t got what happened at Barbecue Bob’s Burger Bar yesterday in your head. I’ve got it in my head. You haven’t.’

‘What DID happen at Barbecue Bob’s Burger Bar yesterday?’ said Malcolm.

‘Nothing much,’ Crackersnacker said.

‘What’s your Dreamy Stuff like?’ Malcolm said.

‘Barbecue Bob’s burgers,’ said Crackersnacker.

‘My Dreamy Stuff is about this man,’ said Malcolm. ‘He says, “Hey Malky, buddy, don’t worry about it. Let’s go get something to eat.”’

‘You said that in American,’ Crackersnacker said.

‘That’s because he’s American,’ Malcolm said.

‘Is he?’ Crackersnacker said.

‘No,’ Malcolm said.

‘What it is, yeah …’ Malcolm said. ‘What it is, is … he’s my dad.’

‘Right,’ said Crackersnacker.

‘You know when Uncle Gobb does all that asking questions and telling us what to do stuff, and when he does all that roaring … ?’ Malcolm said.

Crackersnacker was still thinking about the fact that Malcolm had a dad.

‘Where is your dad?’ he said.

‘In America,’ Malcolm said.

‘Great,’ Crackersnacker said.

‘Do you think that if we went to America, we could get rid of Uncle Gobb forever?’ Malcolm said.

‘Yep,’ said Crackersnacker.

‘I don’t just mean bamboozle and confuzle him,’ Malcolm said. ‘I mean really get rid of him, like we said we would.’

‘Yep,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘We can do that.’

Malcolm suddenly felt good. ‘Go on,’ he said.

‘What do you mean?’ said Crackersnacker.

‘Like how will we get rid of him?’ said Malcolm.

‘We take him to America and then leave him there,’ said Crackersnacker.

Malcolm collapsed back down on to the bed. They couldn’t just leave him there. What? Go to America and say to Uncle Gobb, ‘We’re going back now. You’re not.’?

Or could they?

Maybe, they could go somewhere like the Grand Canyon and say, ‘Look Uncle Gobb, there’s the Grand Canyon,’ and then run away.

‘I was thinking,’ said Malcolm, ‘that my dad would do it. He could get rid of Uncle Gobb.’

‘Yeah,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘Your dad would have loads of candyfloss and he would cover Uncle Gobb in candyfloss. And that would, that would … er …’

‘They don’t call it candyfloss,’ said Malcolm. ‘They call it “cotton candy”.’

‘Do they?’ said Crackersnacker. ‘How do you know?’

‘Because when I was last there, I had cotton candy. My dad bought me some cotton candy.’

‘And it was the same, totally the same as candyfloss?’ said Crackersnacker.

‘Well,’ said Malcolm, ‘it can’t be the same, very same, totally the same, because the cotton candy didn’t go into Barbecue Bob’s Burger Bar.’

‘How are we going to get to America?’ Crackersnacker said.

‘By plane,’ said Malcolm.

‘Great,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘Vroooomm.’

‘I think you two need to get some sleep now, don’t you?’ Mum called out from outside.

‘Don’t ask them,’ the boys heard Uncle Gobb say. ‘Just tell them.’

‘I did,’ said Mum.

‘If you think that’s telling,’ said Uncle Gobb, ‘Barnacle Bill’s a sailor.’

‘Barnacle Bill IS a sailor,’ said Mum.

Malcolm and Crackersnacker heard the way Mum just sorted out Uncle Gobb with that Barnacle Bill fact. They waved to each other in the dark, doing long-distance, not-touching high fives.