Twenty - Four

Betty hurriedly crunched and swallowed a thirty per cent less fat crisp and managed to answer the telephone by the third ring. ‘Good morning,’ she sang in a ridiculously exaggerated rising inflection. ‘Total Voice and Data. How may I help you?’

Nigel, who was on tenterhooks, waiting for the outcome of a recent tender, came tearing into the office. ‘Who is it?’ he whispered.

Betty covered the mouthpiece. ‘It’s your other half.’

‘Oh!’ Nigel found it difficult to disguise his disappointment. Besides, Jackie was the last person he wanted to speak to this morning. ‘All right! I’ll speak to her. Transfer it to my extension.’

Betty struggled with the buttons on her telephone as Nigel sat at his desk. The extension in the upstairs bedroom rang.

‘Blast! Press and hold twenty-one.’

Betty tried to suppress her irritation. ‘The last time I did that, I lost the call.’

Nigel tutted loudly. ‘Oh here! I’ll take it on your phone. The kettle’s just boiled. I wouldn’t mind an Earl Grey with two sugars.’

He leaned across Betty’s desk and picked up the phone, furiously punching buttons to retrieve the call. Betty got up, throwing her boss a contemptuous look. For someone who sold telephone systems, how come he could never get to grips with his own four extensions? No wonder, she decided, his business was in decline.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Nigel dropped his voice to speak to his fiancée. ‘Jackie, I have to be brief, I’m afraid. Got a busy day ahead of me.’

He heard Jackie snuffling. Was she getting a cold, or had she been crying?

‘I hate you,’ she said.

‘Sorry?’

‘It meant so much to me.’

‘What did? What are you talking about?’

‘You know very well. Last night you told the cast what you thought of them.’

‘Oh - I see. That’s what you’re upset about. Well, I’m sorry - I only gave them my honest opinion. It’s not my fault. That director chap asked me what I thought and I told him.

‘You could have been nice instead of horrid.’

Nigel glanced at his watch and gritted his teeth. ‘Lie, you mean.’

Jackie raised her voice. ‘You have to make allowances, Nigel. They’re not on the stage in the West End. They’re doing it for a bit of fun.’

‘They take themselves blooming seriously then.’

‘Well, of course they do. Otherwise there wouldn’t be much point in...’

Nigel interrupted, speaking hurriedly. ‘Look, Jackie, I haven’t got time to discuss this now. We’ll talk about it later.’

‘There won’t be a later.’

‘What d’you mean?’

‘I mean the wedding’s off.’

‘But it’s less than two weeks away.’

‘I don’t care,’ Jackie blubbered. ‘I never want to see you again.’

The line went dead. Stunned, Nigel replaced the receiver. Betty came into the room, carrying two mugs of tea.

‘Problem?’ she said.

Nigel nodded slowly, a dazed, faraway look in his eyes. ‘I’ve just had an argument with Jackie. The wedding’s off.’

Betty sat down and switched on the computer. ‘What again!’ she said.

***

‘I called at the shop and you weren’t there,’ said Bamber, lighting another cigarette from the end of the one he’d almost finished.

‘When was this?’ asked Donald, deliberately busying himself plumping up the cushions on the sofa, and avoiding Bamber’s probing eyes. Bamber could always tell when he was lying.

‘Don’t try to tell me you were out buying, because the Volvo’s been parked outside all morning. So where did you go?’

Donald waved his arms about wildly and coughed dramatically. ‘It’s a disgusting habit. I don’t care if you damage your own health, but why should I have to suffer?’

Watching his performance, Bamber smirked. ‘Don’t change the subject.’

‘I’ll answer you,’ yelled Donald, ‘when you put out that disgusting ... thing.’

‘And I’ll put it out when you tell me where you’ve been all day.’

‘This could go round in circles, you know.’

‘I know. So you first. Tell me where you’ve been and I’ll put it out.’

‘No, you put it out first, then I’ll tell you. See! I told you it would go round in circles.’

Bamber stuck the cigarette in his mouth and applauded Donald. Despite his uneasiness, Donald laughed.

‘OK, I’ll tell you on one condition. Promise me you’ll have another go at giving up. You can get little patches you stick on your arm. They’re supposed to be quite effective.’

‘You’re so transparent. Playing for time.’

‘All you have to do is promise, and I’ll tell you.’

Bamber shrugged. ‘I promise. Now tell me.’

Donald hesitated. He decided he would tell his partner about going round to see Marjorie, telling him it was today instead of yesterday. ‘I was at Ted’s house. And before you say anything, he wasn’t there. She’s thrown him out. I went there to plead his case. See if the bitch would take him back.’

Bamber inhaled deeply on his cigarette and eyed Donald shrewdly. ‘How did you know she’d thrown him out?’

‘He phoned me at the shop. He was in a terrible state. But she’s going to make it up with him. And you know why? Because she believes me about the occasional theatre visits.’

‘Huh! More fool her.’

‘It happens to be the truth. Ted and I are just good friends. It’s all perfectly innocent. I promise you.’

‘Yes,’ muttered Bamber, ‘and Elton John’s not gay.’

‘I wouldn’t expect you to understand. You can never raise your mind above the level of your navel. Ted and I,’ Donald stressed, ‘are friends. Nothing more.’

Bamber stared at his partner and gave him a masturbatory gesture. Donald giggled suddenly.

‘Well, that sort of thing does help to seal a friendship.’

Bamber frowned. ‘I hope you’re joking.’

‘And another thing,’ said Donald, starting to enjoy himself, because he knew he had the upper hand now. ‘When his baby’s born, I’m going to be the godfather. A very special uncle.’

Bamber looked pained. ‘Oh, purlease! I think I might puke.’

Donald laughed loudly. ‘We’re going to be one big happy family.’

Angrily, Bamber dropped his cigarette into his coffee mug, knowing it would infuriate Donald, and moved towards the door.

‘Where are you going?’

‘Thought I’d take a walk on the common.’

Donald ground his teeth. ‘Going cottaging, you mean.’

Bamber turned at the door, eyes glinting with minor triumph, knowing that the position of power had shifted again. ‘It’s all innocent. Like you and your theatre friend. You do believe me, don’t you?’

Donald could feel the blood boiling in his face. ‘I forbid you to go on the common.’

Grinning, Bamber came back and stood cockily in front of Donald. He took out his mobile and offered it to his partner.

‘Ring your friend, get him round here, and let’s all three of us have some fun.’

Donald went to take the mobile, then hesitated. ‘I don’t think he’ll play ball. After all, he was straight until recently.’

‘Was?’

Donald took the mobile and started to dial Ted’s number. ‘OK. But I don’t think he’ll like a heavy smoker any more than I do. Go and clean your teeth. And gargle with mouthwash. There’s a good boy.’