Zia arrived at Clay’s to find him sprawled on the sectional overlooking the Hudson River, working on his laptop.
“Hey gorgeous.” He smiled. “How was the wedding?”
“Beautiful. Inspiring. The bride’s speech was so moving.” She plopped down next to him and kicked off her shoes. “I’m still kind of wired. Think we could sneak out to a bar or something?”
“There’s plenty of booze here.” He arched an eyebrow, half joking. “This way, I have you all to myself.”
It turned her cold. Her body and heart closed like an anemone.
“What? What’s wrong?”
Her first instinct was to leave. She met his concerned gaze. “Can we talk?”
Clay closed the computer. “Always.”
Zia took a few grounding breaths. She’d told the story many times, under many different circumstances. It got easier. But it never got easy. “Right after college, I met an amazing man who I thought I was going to marry. His name was Logan.”
She watched Clay absorb that, yes, this was the piece of her past that was missing. His gaze was entirely focused on her. “I’m listening.”
“He was successful, handsome, charming. I was waitressing—this was way before I started working for Global Care. Logan and his coworkers used to have lunch at a restaurant I worked at in the financial district. The first time I waited on him, he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no, and he said, ‘Now you do.’ ” Zia shook her head, still baffled by his confidence. “I kind of laughed it off, but he was persistent. He took me to Eleven Madison Park for our first date. I’d never been to a place like that. The food, the service. The bill. Which, of course, we didn’t split. I never paid for anything. He didn’t let me.”
Clay shifted, as if ready to hold her but careful to give her space.
“I was living with my sister and her kids,” Zia went on. “So when he said I should move in with him, y’know, it made sense. So I did. And that’s when things started to get bad.”
“Bad, how?”
“Logan was incredibly controlling,” Zia said. “What I wore, what I ate, how I spoke, who I spoke to. And he was incredibly jealous. He tracked my phone. If I was ever anywhere he didn’t know about, he’d get so mad. One time, I ran into a friend from my neighborhood and we grabbed lunch near his place. Afterward, it started to rain, so I ran up to get an umbrella from his apartment. Out of nowhere, Logan shows up and just starts laying into him.”
Clay looked horrified. “Jesus Christ.”
“It was a nightmare.” Zia rubbed her arms, her muscles tensing. “I knew I should leave him, but when you’re in an abusive relationship, you lose sight of what’s normal. You forget what’s normal. He kept telling me it was because he loved me, and I believed him. So when we’d fight and”—she drew in a shaky breath—“he’d hit me, again, I just thought that was normal. That love was complicated, relationships were hard, and it was my fault for setting him off.”
Clay made a noise: a low, pained sound.
“And so one night, I watched a documentary about people who volunteered at an elephant sanctuary in Thailand. New York was the only city I knew; I’d never even been to Boston. I suggested we take a trip together. Logan traveled for work all the time, and I’d always just be stuck in the apartment. He said no. But I couldn’t let it go. Logan knew all my passwords, so I started a secret email account on a laptop I bought myself. Researched tickets, hotels. I guess I was planning my escape.”
Clay looked like he was holding his breath. His entire body was taut.
Zia kept her voice even. “Logan found my laptop. He locked me in my walk-in closet. And left. I was in there for three days. My sister called the cops, thank God. When they found me, I was almost dead from dehydration. I never saw him again, except for in court.”
“Did he go to jail?”
Zia shook her head. “Suspended sentence.”
Clay’s voice was shaking. “He could’ve killed you.”
“He could’ve. But he didn’t.” Zia exhaled, letting the memory go. She was here, in New York, with a man who cared about her. “That was seven years ago. I’ve been to therapy; I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I don’t date assholes anymore. I know there are good guys in the world.” Her past had shown her a reservoir of strength she didn’t know she had. The ability to persevere. To survive. To forgive. And, to stand up for herself.
“You’re a good guy. But I can’t belong to you.” She touched Clay’s face, feeling the dark stubble shading his chin. “Baby, I don’t want to be a secret anymore. Being a secret makes me feel trapped. Like you’re not serious about me. But I’m serious about you. And if you don’t want that, that’s okay. Really. We’ve had a great time together, an amazing time. But if this isn’t serious for you, I gotta go.”
Clay nodded. His voice was quiet, his words measured. “When we met, I wasn’t ready to trust someone. I remember thinking that if I didn’t have someone, no one could betray me. But that’s no way to live. Relationships are a risk. Life is a risk. And there’s no one I’d rather do it with than you.” He shifted closer. “We’ve always been honest with each other. And what I’m honestly thinking right now is this: If I let you walk away, I’ll regret it every minute of every hour of every day for the rest of my life.” He sounded sincere and resolute, his gold eyes burning. “I feel what you feel. I’m in this. I’m with you.”
Zia’s heart was doubling, tripling in size. “That makes me so happy.”
“You make me happy, Zia. When I’m with you, I feel like myself, and it isn’t a bad thing.”
She smiled, and he pressed his forehead to hers.
“Goddamn,” he murmured. “How’d I end up with such a gorgeous girlfriend?”
Girlfriend. There it was, the first time. And even though it wasn’t a moniker Zia’d been especially fixated on, now that she had, she never wanted to give it back. She lifted her eyes to his, wanting to make sure he knew what he was saying.
His grin back was a little goofy. “Sorry it took so long.”
“No apology necessary.”
“Ah, my girlfriend is the coolest.”
“I think you’ll find that honor goes to my boyfriend,” she told him, feeling a bit goofy herself.
“Boyfriend,” he repeated. “I like the sound of that.”
So did she. So, so much.
Which meant it was time to tell her sister about Clay.