It took the four of us to help Sumo to his feet and then steer him toward the public toilets.
I checked the cubicles. The least I could do was find him the cleanest one. The good news was that it had been cleaned recently.fn1
‘In here! This one is the best,’ I said.
Charlie and Johnny J led a blind and gasping Sumo inside. Walker waited outside.fn2 He couldn’t watch it. I don’t blame him. It was a hard thing to witness.
Sumo got on his knees. I lifted the toilet seat. He plunged his head down the toilet! He actually did it. I couldn’t believe it. He rose up, drenched to the skin.
‘Flush it,’ he said, and he shoved his head back into the loo and Johnny J flushed it over and over again until eventually Sumo re-emerged.
‘Enough,’ he said, and he leaned against the wall. His eyes were still burning, but at least he could open them and he could breathe freely, which was a big relief. Walker thought it best that Sumo got fresh air into his lungs.
Later, we sat around the picnic table staring at Sumo eating a Spam sandwich he kept in his inside pocket for emergencies.
‘I think that was the worst thing I’ve ever seen,’ Charlie said.
Everyone was feeling a little low. I needed to do something to regain some control, so I stood up and addressed them: ‘So the good news is the spray works. However, the bad news is we absolutely, definitely cannot and under no circumstances use it on Jim Roland’s granny.’
They all nodded in agreement.
‘So we absolutely, positively will only use it in emergencies and not on anyone over the age of sixty or under the age of ten,’ I said.
They nodded in agreement again.
‘We’re going to have to hope Mrs Roland nods off,’ I said.
‘But what if she doesn’t?’ Walker said.
The public poos had given me an idea. ‘She’ll go to the loo,’ I said. ‘All old people pee a lot. Everyone knows that.’
‘Fact,’ Walker mumbled.
‘So we stake the place out, and when Jim Roland’s granny either goes to the loo or falls asleep, Johnny J and I will take the cash from the till. Charlie, you grab the petty cash from the back. Walker, you’ll stay on lookout, and, Sumo, you’ll stand guard at the door.’
‘How do I alert you if someone is coming? Mind-melding?’ Walker asked.
He had a point.
‘What about our walkie-talkies?’ Johnny J said.
‘Perfect.’
‘Walkie-talkies?’ Walker said. ‘I love walkie-talkies.’
‘Great,’ I said, and things seemed to be looking up.
Sumo didn’t say much except for, ‘I smell wee,’ and then he warned us never, ever to tell anyone that he’d plunged his head into a public poo sixteen times in a row. We swore we wouldn’t, but we lied. Eventually we told everyone.
Johnny J and I walked Sumo home. It felt like the least we could do under the circumstances.
‘Thanks, Sumo,’ Johnny J said at Sumo’s front door.
Sumo hugged Johnny J, almost crushing him. ‘Any time,’ he said, even though he definitely didn’t mean it.
Charlie was sitting on Johnny J’s wall when we walked up the path.
‘I thought you’d gone home?’ She just wouldn’t go away!
‘Me ma is in there,’ she said.
‘Oh,’ I said.
Johnny J sat on the wall beside her. I just stood there.
‘She ate this morning,’ he said. He was talking about his mother.
‘That’s a good thing,’ she said.
‘Yeah.’
I felt awkward, like I shouldn’t be there, but Johnny J was my best friend, not hers.
‘I should get home,’ I said, but neither of them heard me because she was busy whispering in his ear. Stupid, rude, silly girl.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ I said, and I walked away, leaving Johnny J on his wall talking to Charlie about the things they talked about when I wasn’t around. She never talked to me like that, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to talk to her at all.
That night I lay in bed listening to Rich singing through the wall and worrying about the robbery. We only had two days to wait. After that, I told myself, it would all be over. Of course, in reality, the robbery was only the beginning.