Focus on what is completely in your control
At some point in your life you’ve probably tried to prevent something from happening, but it happened anyway. Do you remember how upset you were by it? If you did everything within your power to prevent it, then why were you upset? This question haunted Suki after her annual physical. Although she’s always been the paragon of health, her doctor has referred her to a cardiologist after a dizzy spell she experienced at the gym, and she’s terrified. Let’s explore why Suki is upset and, more importantly, what can be done about it.
"Remember that following desire promises the attainment of that of which you are desirous; and aversion promises the avoiding that to which you are averse. However, he who fails to obtain the object of his desire is disappointed, and he who incurs the object of his aversion wretched. If, then, you confine your aversion to those objects only which are contrary to the natural use of your faculties, which you have in your own control, you will never incur anything to which you are averse. But if you are averse to sickness, or death, or poverty, you will be wretched. Remove aversion, then, from all things that are not in our control, and transfer it to things contrary to the nature of what is in our control.”
Epictetus, Enchiridion, 2.1–2
No matter how much we plan, worry, and attempt to prevent misfortunes from occurring, they sometimes do. People have very different reactions to similar misfortunes. Some shrug them off, some go numb, and some, like Suki, develop anxiety and fear. Why do we react in different ways? Epictetus suggests that those who fall into circumstances they wish to avoid are those who suffer misfortune, by which he means that much suffering comes from a disconnect between what you want to happen and what actually happens. Or, as the Stoics would say, what is in accordance to nature as opposed to contrary to nature.
Epictetus lists telling misfortunes: It is senseless to nurture aversion to poverty, illness, or death because these things are outside of our (complete) control. After all, illness and death are natural and unavoidable aspects of human existence, and while some people manage to avoid poverty, it, too, can strike at any moment independent of one’s efforts to avoid it. Similarly with desires. If we desire great wealth, perfect health, or a lasting reputation, we are striving for things that we cannot control (though we may influence them), which will inevitably make us unhappy.
You may have noticed that we’ve been focusing on aversion in the Discipline of Desire. That’s because aversion can be seen as a type of desire: the desire to avoid misfortune. We use the Discipline of Desire as shorthand for the Discipline of Desire and Aversion, the shortened name given to this discipline by French scholar Pierre Hadot.1 The crucial idea here is to redirect our aversion away from things that we dislike but are not in our power, and to transfer it to things that we can completely control. You have a list of such things from last week. Similarly, we need to stop desiring things that we cannot control and instead develop a desire for what we can be guaranteed to achieve.
Let’s look at an example: Suppose you are up for a possible promotion at your job. Your natural desire is to get the promotion, but this is not under your complete control. The promotion depends on possible competition from your colleagues, on the relationship you have developed with your boss, and even on random occurrences, such as your boss’s mood or the weather. However, what is in your power, and what you then should desire, is putting forward the best possible case for a promotion, based on your best efforts in recent months to do your job well.
If you have a strong aversion to failure you might be unhappy if you don’t get the promotion—as when trying to avoid poverty or sickness. But if your desire is directed properly, toward doing the best job you are capable of doing, then you cannot possibly fail. In fact, if you do the best job you can at every moment, you’ve already succeeded! Moreover, since there is, presumably, a correlation between doing a good job and getting a promotion, you will increase the chance that you will, in fact, be promoted. When your desires and aversions are “aligned with nature” (i.e., with what is in your complete control), you are guaranteed to not be unhappy regardless of the outcome.
There are countless other examples of this principle. You should not desire to be loved by your partner, but only to be the most lovable person you can be. You should not indulge an aversion to losing a match when you play a game or sport, but instead focus on playing to the best of your ability. Once you internalize the distinction between proper and improper desires and aversions, the world will look very different to you. You will find serenity that springs from a magnanimous attitude toward whatever the universe happens to throw your way.
Finally, notice that this resolves a problem we encountered last week: the apparent neglect, by the Stoics, of the large category of things we can influence but not completely control. That third category, in Stoic philosophy, is itself split into two: the part you cannot control but can influence (e.g., your boss’s decision, your partner’s love, your chances of winning a match) and the part you can control (e.g., working hard and well, being lovable, playing your best game), which may influence the final outcome.