Premeditate on encountering difficult people
We occasionally encounter people who are frustrating and difficult to deal with. This gets in the way of not only our own peace of mind, but also our ability to work well with and be kind to others. Mia has experienced this firsthand. Her sales job means she constantly has to communicate with current and potential clients, as well as collaborate with coworkers. She gets along with some of them fine, but many of them can be . . . difficult, to put it mildly. When someone raises her hackles, it can cost Mia both social capital and commissions. The Stoics used premeditatio malorum (premeditation of adversity), which you practiced in Week 6, to help work through dealing with others. Their view of the world helped them act with a sense of kindness and justice as well. But how did they put their theory into practice?
"When you wake, say to yourself: ‘Today I shall encounter meddling, ingratitude, violence, cunning, jealousy, self-seeking; all of them the results of men not knowing what is good and what is evil. But seeing that I have beheld the nature and nobility of good, and the nature and meanness of evil, and the nature of the sinner, who is my brother, participating not indeed in the same flesh and blood, but in the same mind and partnership with the divine, I cannot be injured by any of them; for no man can involve me in what demeans. Neither can I be angry with my brother, or quarrel with him; for we are made for cooperation, like the feet, the hands, the eyelids, the upper and the lower rows of teeth. To thwart one another is contrary to nature; and one form of thwarting is resentment and estrangement.’”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 2.1
This is one of our favorite pieces of advice from Marcus, and there is much to unpack. To begin with, notice that the emperor-philosopher is simply reminding himself of a fact of life: Some people are meddlers, ingrates, violent, cunning, jealous, and selfish. This is just the way things are, and to wish otherwise is to yearn for a fig in wintertime (to use one of Epictetus’s metaphors).1 Facing the facts instead of indulging in wishful thinking better prepares us for what is to come and how to handle it.
Marcus then reflects that he has developed a better understanding of the nature of good and evil, and in particular that he knows he cannot be injured by someone else’s words or behaviors. This will sound strange to a non-Stoic, but by now it should be a familiar concept, as it is also the focus of the Discipline of Desire: The only things that are truly good and evil are the ones we control, that is, our own judgments, values, and decisions. Other people’s judgments, values, and decisions are not under our control, so they are preferred (when they favor us) or dispreferred (when they disfavor us) indifferents. By truly internalizing this concept we cannot be hurt by what others say or do, because it is our decision to become involved or not in “what demeans.”
Likewise, it is unnatural to fight with others. This concept is also rooted in the Stoic ideas of cosmopolitanism and living according to (human) nature. What sort of beings are we? Highly social, and capable of reason. It follows that we are made (by natural selection, we would say today) to cooperate, because that’s the only way we survive and thrive. It also follows that our ability to reason reveals this truth and suggests that the best course of action is to help our brothers and sisters instead of quarreling with them.