Speak just the facts about others
A fundamental Stoic tenet is that most of the value judgments we make are false; assenting to them is what leads to passions, or unhealthy emotions. Many of our judgments are implicit but seep into our language nonetheless. This was Ajay’s experience when trying to be careful about what he called “good” and “bad” during the Discipline of Desire. He found that by changing his language, he changed his thinking. This powerful practice can be made more comprehensive in the Discipline of Assent. This week, you’ll try your hand at it.
"If a man wash quickly, do not say that he washes badly, but that he washes quickly. If a man drink much wine, do not say that he drinks badly, but that he drinks much. For until you have decided what judgment prompts him, how do you know that he acts badly? If you do as I say, you will assent to your apprehensive impressions and to none other.”
Epictetus, Enchiridion, 45
Epictetus reminds us that we often don’t know enough about other people’s motives—or their personal history—to arrive at reasonable judgments, and that we’re far too prone to judge people anyway. He offers both theoretical and practical advice to counter this tendency. From a theoretical perspective, sure, the guy who just cut in front of you on the highway may be a jerk, but perhaps he is running to the hospital because his wife is delivering a baby and he doesn’t want to miss out on such an important event in his life. Or maybe he really does feel entitled to cut ahead of others, but that’s a result of some serious issues he has been carrying around for decades and hasn’t yet resolved. In this case perhaps a better attitude toward him would be compassion. The point is, you just don’t know. Because there are so many factors in every situation that we can’t possibly know, the ethical thing to do is to simply suspend judgment. Critics of Stoicism often say that this sort of advice makes us into pushovers or losers. It does no such thing! If some injustice is being perpetrated, the Stoic virtues of courage and justice kick in, and we’re compelled to intervene. But if it’s simply a matter of taking a charitable view of others, how is that, exactly, going to harm you?
Epictetus’s practical advice is to rephrase your words in a neutral fashion. We have seen Marcus take this same approach in Week 44, when he wanted to remind himself that some things he badly craves are not, in reality, that important or attractive. We are now applying a similar idea with respect to our assessment of others and what they may be up to. The idea, as before, is to objectify our thoughts, to make them more neutral, and hence judgment-free. Remember the guy who cut you off on the highway? Instead of thinking, as comes naturally, That jerk cut me off, say something neutral along the lines of Someone is in a hurry to get somewhere. Applied to recurring situations in daily life, this exercise slowly becomes automatic, and reorients our immediate responses away from being judgmental, and toward being more charitable to others. As a result, we’ll get upset less often and experience more serenity.