I’m gonna talk with the Prince of Peace,
Down by the riverside …
The moment I heard about my Clarence, I knew I’d follow him to glory. Guilt played a role, but it was mostly Grief. Of course, you don’t lay a burden like that at your child’s feet. You carry it with you. A mama can’t just up and say, “I didn’t want to go on living without him.” That’s of no help. Not at first.
But you’re grown now, Zethray, and between you and me, that was the truth of it. Lord, I loved that man.
Then the second I saw myself lying in that river, I cried out. There ain’t no relief in leaving your baby behind. That’s disrespecting yourself ’cuz she’s a part of you. What’s done is done, but the knowledge sure weighs heavy.
I still don’t know how to make sense of it except to say Grief knew my ways. That trickster with his thorned teeth and burred eyeballs, he’d watched me over the years. He’d seen what I’d already given up for love. My joy of reading. My big laugh. My bigger opinions.
I once knew a man who told me I’d be beautiful if I just kept my stomach pulled in. That’s a thing that’s harder than it sounds. Takes some of your breath away, but you can get used to it. I did. Keep it up long enough, you come to think of it as breathing, in the same way you start believing sacrifice is love.
But then you meet a man like Clarence who asks your opinion and brings you books and kisses your soft belly. A man who prides himself on getting you to laugh so hard your sides start hurting. In the middle of all that, you forget you ever called anything else love.
So when Clarence died, Grief got right in my ear, reminding me what I’d given up for lesser men. Telling me how my husband deserved a far bigger sacrifice.
Then he showed me that bridge.
Now, Daughter, here’s what I want you to know. Grief will come calling. He always does, but if you hold on long enough, the sun will shine again. God set His bow in the clouds for a reason. That’s not to say Grief won’t keep after you. He will. Best to get ahead of him when you can. And when you can’t, sit with him a spell. Just, not too long. Set yourself on a hard chair and heed the discomfort when it comes. That’s how you find your way back to living.
The End