[“Compatibility” usually] means we are looking for a partner who accepts us just as we are. . . . The search for an ideal mate is a hopeless quest. . . . [T]his is a radically different approach. . . . If you don’t see your mate’s deep flaws and weaknesses and dependencies, you’re not even in the game. But if you don’t get excited about the person your spouse has already grown into and will become, you aren’t tapping into the power of marriage as spiritual friendship. (Hardcover, pp. 122–23; paperback, p. 134)
GROWTH AND THE GOSPEL. We might call the biblical approach “Marriage as a Vehicle for Sanctification,” the word “sanctification” meaning the process of becoming holy and Christlike (cf. 1 Thessalonians 4:3). It contrasts both with the attitude “Compatibility means don’t ask me to change,” or, at the other end of the spectrum, “You are a mess and you need me to save you.” The biblical way combines realism about our flaws with great hope for change through Christ’s means of grace. It recognizes that only Christ is savior, and your spouse is not. It is similar to the combined humility and confidence that the gospel brings when it tells you that, in Jesus, you are more sinful than you dared believe but more loved than you dared hope—at the same time.
Reflection: Think of how the gospel of salvation by grace helps us be both very realistic and strongly hopeful about change at the same time.
Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you remember that you are not your spouse’s savior, nor are you the Spirit of God in your spouse’s life. Confess to God the specific ways you have tried to take those roles and put your spouse into God’s hands.